Husband and best friend

[LoisEinhorn]

So saturday night I caught my husband and best friend having a fumble. To me its just as bad as full sex, they've betrayed me big time. I'm not sure I can forgive my husband, we've had such a close marriage (almost 19 years) we have 4 kids.
Ive told him its over, I can't see a way back. I'm heartbroken. I know its a cliche but its really not like him to do this. Lots of alcohol was involved but that's no excuse.
He's on the sofa, we haven't said anything to the kids except the oldest who is an adult.
Ex friend didn't even remember it happening. That makes it worse in a way.
Just feeling numb and in limbo

I too cannot understand why he would suggest coming back to your house it's all so odd and almost ridiculous, what on earth was he thinking?
His gigantic lapse in judgement is just devastating for you, I feel so bad for you. It's one thing finding out and another seeing it in your own house with your own eyes.

I don't know what to advise, I think time will make your head clearer over whether you can forgive hmm

It's torture not knowing the full details.

I live fairly close to ex friend but not that we'd cross paths. We have quite a few mutual friends too.

I know couples get through much worse but how do they get past the anger and hurt.
I never ever thought he would hurt me

And still people are asking "do you think you could get past this ?"

Mind boggling

I think to "move past this" it would take incredible and continuous contrition from the DH, including going teetotal, and a hell of a lot of counselling.

But, even after all that, he'd still be the guy who took advantage of the first easy situation to have a fumble that presented itself.

I'd strongly suggest to the OP that he isn't worth it, and that the notion that 'all men are like this' is very mistaken.

I'm so sorry for you op, what a rotten thing to happen. Somehow I just can't see him making the kind of effort required to turn this around. You'd forever be looking at him sideways, checking. You sound like a strong, positive and intelligent person op. Gather your strength & boot him out.

I think it's part of the process, you have to know if you have ruled out that option of getting past it once the initial shock has passed you. No one is telling OP to actually do it

When I saw this thread title I half expected it to be about inappropriate texts or something. Didn't want to read and run. Just to say so sorry you're having to deal with this OP. Way more than just a fumble. Your "D"H sounds like a dirty bastard (as does the so called friend) and it must be awful for you. Would suggest he gives you some space while you have a serious think. Hope you are OK.

They have both taken you for a fool. It won't be the first time they've been sexual with each other it's just that you caught them this time.

My biggest problem with this man is that he sounds like a sexual opportunist. Taking advantage of a vulnerable woman right under the nose of his partner.

Despicable. There is no amount of "contrition" that could fix that for me. This is who he is.

Right from the start I was going to say that a "fumble" is very minimising language for whatever happened. Even if it was a snog calling it a "fumble" sounds very safe and innocent in comparison.

What you have described is intentional sexual stimulation.

It would be over for me.

I can't believe that some people on here accept furtive groping from friends husbands??!!??? Maybe that's what happens when you establish relationships at a young age before you have established any personal boundaries

Couples get past affairs, ONS, this is no different, in fact I don't think it's quite as bad as a full on affair, I think they have both made a massive arse out of themselves and broke your heart in the process, she has to go but perhaps in time you can rebuild something back with him, 20 years of good stuff is worth holding on to if you feel this was and will be a one off due to too much alcohol consumption, yes, I know it's not an excuse but it happens, more than people realise I think.

Does your ex friends dh know? If so, what does he say?

Sorry for not coming back sooner. Ex friend is single.

adora yes totally

We are back together, he is devastated at what he did. He was smashed and didn't really know what he was doing. He's cried more than me over this.

He really isn't the type to do this, he really inst. Another friend took me out and we had a chat. She pointed out the fact he was so smashed that seeing me the first time wasn't enough to shock him into realising what he was doing. He doesn't remember seeing me.

Ex friend was the instigator of it, he remembers that. I do believe that. She's been sending him flirty txts which he ignored. And the week before was giving oral to another friend in our downstairs toilet.
I went away overnight to clear my head and her cousin rang me. She wanted to hear my side and said that she'd done similar to her and her then boyfriend.

I'm not making excuses for my husband, he knows he's done wrong and is doing his hardest to make it up to me. I don't want to throw away almost 20 years over too much alcohol.

Thanks for listening and the advice, its much appreciated :)

Hopefully it's shocked him into never doing anything like this again.
Hopefully your 'friend' is now a very EX-friend.
Take your time.
Remember you don't have to keep trying if you don't want to.
Hopefully it will all work out for you though.
Good luck OP.