Husband and best friend

[LoisEinhorn]

So saturday night I caught my husband and best friend having a fumble. To me its just as bad as full sex, they've betrayed me big time. I'm not sure I can forgive my husband, we've had such a close marriage (almost 19 years) we have 4 kids.
Ive told him its over, I can't see a way back. I'm heartbroken. I know its a cliche but its really not like him to do this. Lots of alcohol was involved but that's no excuse.
He's on the sofa, we haven't said anything to the kids except the oldest who is an adult.
Ex friend didn't even remember it happening. That makes it worse in a way.
Just feeling numb and in limbo

I've also been on the receiving end of my best friend's husband's drunken attempts at a grope. It means absolutely nothing and in fact my friend and I laugh about it in a rolling eyes here he goes again way. We've all been friends for 25 years

Fuck me. You cannot be serious? I suspect that deep down, your friend is dying a death by a thousand cuts. How on earth is this funny? He regularly tries to grope you, and it's eye roll funny? What does your DH do, when he is grabbing at your tits (or worse)? My DH would go ape shit if someone groped me.

I doubt this is the first "fumble" he's had over the years. My ExH enjoyed regular fumbles, all very well hidden. Tried to woo every female in my life (Mum, sister, every single friend). Most declined. My best friend in the whole world slept with him. It's shit and I wouldn't stand for it.

Remarried now, and I could be falling down drunk, and it would never cross my mind to have a fumble with anyone that wasn't my DH. And if he had a fumble, that would be the end. I'll never stand for that shit, ever again.

Hate to say it but drunken fumbles and/or come on's and propositions are not that uncommon when people are pissed out their heads, not excusing it at all, but it does go on, it's not a rare occurrence.

Some folk do excuse it and do laugh it off, we are all different and have different reactions.

Husky I think it's because we're both in very secure relationships, are comfortable in our own skin. My friend I assure you couldn't care less - her husband adores her, but she fully accepts he's not blind and will sometimes be attracted to other people, as will my husband, and she and indeed I. We're not so insecure that that's a threat. It isn't. Add alcohol to a solid friendship and there's some furtive groping on occasion. It's just laughed off and means nothing. Both relationships are over 30+ faithful years, both sides since teenagers.

Having said that the OP has yet to clarify what she means by fumble.

fbreading - what's furtive groping ?, what acts are you referring to ?, that are all ok, because you are " both in very secure relationships and comfortable in your own skin".

I realise that I am somewhat of a cynic, given my experiences with ExH, however, if a DH is doing this in full view of his wife :

Add alcohol to a solid friendship and there's some furtive groping on occasion

then the DH boundaries are very skewed. I would fully expect, that when he is out without you (lads night out/weekend away/stag weekend), furtive groping with a reciprocating woman would have led to full infidelity on many occasions.

Unfortunately, as you have had so few partners, you probably can't see the wood for the trees.

A common theme among my friends, is that men who marry their first GF, often cheat as they get older, and wonder what they are missing. Again, just my experience, but NOT ONE was faithful. Husbands who have been around the block before marrying, lots of sex with a variety of women before they settle down - so far no infidelity.

That you know of Husky! Men who have had lots of experience are also usually very streetwise!

it wouldn't necessarily be the end of a marriage for me but I would be fuming with this.

Sorry he came home early so haven't had a chance to get back.

Sofa is fine, there isn't really anywhere else for him to go.
To me he's ruined our vows. Even if I did take him back I couldn't wear that ring again it means nothing. I trusted him completely, he used to do odd jobs for her and walk her home.

Not to make excuses but she's been on a self destruct path for a while. Lost her mum in June and doesn't have any proper family around her. He ex is a narc and is turning her boys against her and even put glass in her food years before I met her. She's been drinking loads lately, I introduced her to an old friend last week, thinking they might hit it off.
Hours later she was in my downstairs loo giving him oral.

She does drink a lot and quite often has blackouts so I'm not surprised but yes she could be claiming she doesn't when she does.

Its not happened before, I'm confident in that, but he's said since that she's tried to kiss him before only when she's had a drink. He didn't say anything because he didn't want to spoil our friendship. He's such a dick!

She was aware and not taken advantage of.
So what happened was - haven't got the energy to keep explaining so will copy and paste.

He walks her home so off they went. I went to bed, this was about 3.45. I wake up about 6.20. No hubby so I get up. She's laid out on the floor. No idea where exactly he was but he had no trousers on.
OK so I made a comment and went back upstairs (I know!!) that's how much I trusted him Thinking he would follow. Nothing. Probably for about 20 mins. Get up again and she's laid on her back on the floor and he's sat on the floor next to her head. I told him it's over, he's denying anything happened. Yeah right! Wanker

When I went in the lounge and saw them I said to him he can get out and that why was didn't he have any trousers on. She sat up acting shocked and said 'you've got no trousers on Jon'
I've got his phone with me but I can't remember his code. But I will hear if he gets a message. He's still denying it, told him he should have done something as I couldn't trust him now and it was over. Hope he's crapping himself. Is her silence something to be read into? If it was me I'd be devastated that I might have broken up a marriage when nothing happened

Yes he had his boxers on. He said his trousers were wet but they weren't. He says she was upset about her mum and he was consoling her. I couldn't hear anything like that, I stood at the top of the stairs for a bit.

He's said that nothing happened before but last night she kissed him and touched him. It only stopped because I came down I bet. Fucking wanker lots of kissing her wanking him and him touching her breasts

To some people it might not mean much but to me its a massive betrayal. My first husband had an affair so I've been through this before but I would never ever think he would hurt me like this. I've told some friends and they are just as shocked.

He can't believe he did it, its worse that he doesn't even fancy her! He's risked all this for nothing.

The ex friend isn't in a relationship. Yes we are in our own home but that would have to be sold if we split. He's self employed and wouldn't be able to keep two homes. Our youngest is almost 10 and needs driving to school so I can't work full time at the mo.

I'm so sorry OP. All I would be thinking about is what happened in those 3ish hours. They can my have passed out immediately?!

I completely understand how you feel. We all have a line and once it's crossed, it's ruined.

I hope you get some answers for your own piece of mind x

*can't have passed out

Stupid autocorrect!

Oh god, it's worse than I thought, when you said fumble I thought maybe fully clothes but no, it's bad, really bad and I feel really sorry for you, that is devastating.

A desperate unhinged single friend who is gagging on some affection and a drunk husband in the mix - he should have told her to fuck off, unfortunately he's as bad as her.

I get that these things can happen but to do it right under your nose too is unbelievably cruel.

I don't understand why he did it, I get her, she's wanting to hurt anyone but for him to do that - shocked, don't quite know what to advise you now.

how can you ever trust him again?

Oh that is so much more than a fumble!

It's more then a fumble yes.

That's a really shitty thing to happen. Do you know if it was a mutual fumble? I ask because once we were at my BIL's house and went upstairs to use the loo, when I came out of the bathroom he was waiting and grabbed me and stuck his tongue down my throat. It took all my strength to push him away and threaten him I would tell DH and SIL if he came near me again.

(I didn't tell my DH until years later because BIL had had an affair with DH's first wife and could possibly be DSS1's father, so didn't want to cause drama or have DH thinking I had instigated in any way).

I'm so sorry for you, you've got a complete fucker for a ex friend. Why the fuck would she look for a man of her own when she can come round yours and give someone she's just met a blow job in your bathroom, and them move on to fumble with your husband. Are you completely sure that when he was doing these odd jobs for her that they weren't up to something then. She's capable by the looks of it. She has no standards. Good job your children didn't catch them at it. I can't imagine what your going to do with him, he's far from blameless, under your own roof, what a liberty. It's up to you. But I don't know how you can fix this. You've done nothing wrong except trust these two. Big mistake.

That's not a fumble, that's a dealbreaker OP
I know I wouldn't be able to forgive either of them.
Feel so sorry for you.

There's bits of this I don't understand. They set off for the walk home. Why did they come back? If they wanted a shag, her house is presumably empty and therefore a safer bet than yours? Why was he sat next to her head? So you didn't see the kissing or touching, that's just his story? And she looked shocked? She sat up and said "you've got no trousers on, Jon" in a questioning way. Could he be lying and actually she was passed out, and he was being a creep. Could explain the silence from her?

fwiw, I know how you must be feeling, it's the same old crap I put up with for years. Almost seeing something, but not quite. Red flags I could never prove. It's awful.

That's sort of what I was getting at asking if it was mutual, Husky. She sounds quite vulnerable.

Not much of that makes sense and the bits that do sound really sinister on your husband's part .

No that's not what I call a fumble. Sounds like you interrupted full sex, before or after, I'm not sure.

Also it may well have not been a one off if he's been walking her home and doing odd jobs. Sorry.

Sorry it was what I copied the day after.
She was very much aware of what was going on.
Apparently it was pissing when they left. They sheltered and then he suggested going back to ours. He doesn't know why, I said he had full intentions of doing something. She has 2 staffies and he hates dogs but he says no he didn't know why he suggested that.
I think there might have been more or there would have done had I not come down but he's saying he doesn't remember or he wouldn't have gone that far.

Problem is- they've crossed that boundary now and if there was a sexual attraction there, they may attempt a fumble again; this time sober. If you do decide to try to forgive your partner, then you need to cut your friend off.

Friend is gone and I've let everyone know what they've done.
Might not be dignified but they are the ones that should be shamed.

What do you want to happen now regarding your dh? Do you think you can get past this?

Do you live near the friend, is there a chance your paths will cross frequently?