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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My boyfriend's 'friend'.

98 replies

notenoughbottle · 16/10/2016 22:41

I met my boyfriend five months ago on a dating website. He has lots of friends that are women, some a fair bit older and over the last few months I have got to know them really well and would now class them as my friends too as we speak outside of my relationship. He has this one friend though that is about five years younger than him. She has a boyfriend but is constantly texting him/snap chatting etc At times he has described her to me as being 'needy'. Time of the night etc doesn't matter, she'll just contact him. So... I've been a bit suspicious and about two months ago read his messages which proved to me they've had an ongoing sexual relationship for around three years - ending roughly before I met him. I know I shouldn't have read anything and that day I completely went off the wall - I'm on anti-depressants already. I didn't tell him what I knew just that I wasn't happy with them having any kind of relationship. He maintained throughout the conversation that they hadn't had this kind of relationship and I couldn't tell him that I knew. He says he won't choose which I know I shouldn't expect him to but I feel he should if I'm honest. About a month before this he had gone out with her and not find home till nearly 2am... Anyway fast forward to last night... I've been told by a few of his other friends to 'watch my back' with her, despite them all being a bit two faced. She came out last night on our group night out. She'd barely make an effort with me, just smiled and laughed with everyone else the whole night. The atmosphere was very sharp. She was quite flirty with my other half who in turn was an awfully lot more touchy feeling with me than he usually is in public. She did a couple of things like pretend stuff has spilt on her too and wiped her boob right in front of him, followed him nearly every time he went to the toilet and tried to be as close as possible to him. He on the other hand was a bit off towards her, I thought, although in a friendly way. One of his friends whose birthday it was commented that she didn't even know why she had come out and could see everything that I could. I'm totally in love with my boyfriend, he makes me feel amazing, he looks after me and had generally made such a positive impact on my life. We've booked two hols together, one with our kids, and he moved in with me about a month ago. I can totally see us having a future together, something I could never see happening after I divorced my EA exh nearly five years ago. We are really involved in each other's lives from family and friends to study and work and it's all good - but then there's this. Her. I don't know what to do - it's killing me every day but I want this to work so badly but she just feels like a shadow over it. I can't tell him I've read his messages or that would most definitely be 'it'. How do I deal with this?

OP posts:

cbigs · 19/10/2016 10:21

Sounds like she doesn't like him having someone else op. Probably he didn't say he was involved because he didn't want it to be a thing but I'd tell him you know and felt uncomfortable with her behaviour maybe say others have warned you and you want to know why.
I'm sorry everyone else is judging you about your decisions other than this question, it's just mumsnet I'm afraid. But I would just ask him he might be glad to get it out in the open. It certainly sound like it's not reciprocated from him anymore so that's really positive.

RiceCrispieTreats · 19/10/2016 10:33

Does this relationship seem healthy to you, OP?

Lies, anxiety, and ultimatums?

You say you "clicked" so I get that it has that all-encompassing intensity, that feels so compelling. But honestly, can you say that it is healthy?

Kidnapped · 19/10/2016 10:42

"I think the truth is though he's actually had relationships before where ex girlfriends have checked his phone etc and I said I wouldn't do that."

Why do you think several of his ex-girlfriends have gone through his phone? Were they all paranoid and unstable, and if so, why did he choose to be with these women?

Or were they just ordinary women and he cheated on all of them, they got suspicious and went through his phone?

Which explanation is more likely? Given that he lied to you about his relationship with this woman?

GipsyDanger · 19/10/2016 10:44

Well op he's not exactly going to say, "aye hen, I'm going to shag anything that's got a fanny and a pulse"

loobyloo1234 · 19/10/2016 11:27

OP – are you going to answer anyone who has asked why you thought it would be a good idea to move a man into your family home, with your children, when he has lied to you and you have lied to him?

pandapandipando · 19/10/2016 11:39

You do know that you are worth better than this right? You do know that it actually is OKAY to be alone right? More importantly you do know that your children deserve better than this and you are leading by example as you are their only constant and role model in life right? Don't confuse toxic infactuation with love. Don't settle for less for yourself and your children, it's not worth it.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 19/10/2016 12:10

You sound like me two years ago.

This relationship is only going to grind you down. He has lied from the start, he will continue to do so. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he probably does but you need to realise that even though he does, he's not good for you.

malphale · 19/10/2016 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Costacoffeeplease · 19/10/2016 12:41

Spinsters? Nice

Offred · 19/10/2016 12:44

No, he has lied about information that is relevant to the op's decision to be with him or not. He did it because he doesn't have respect for her sufficient to allow her to make her own informed choices for herself. He is selfish and he doesn't see anything wrong with this kind of behaviour, yes, neither do a number of 'blokes' - fact remains that ppl who are selfish and disrespectful like this do not usually turn out to be good partners. They have founded the relationship on a lie.

Offred · 19/10/2016 12:47

and that post completely ignores the horrendous sexism in that post which basically says "men treat you badly because that's what they do, if you want to keep a man you need to give him special treatment and allow these kinds of disrespectful behaviours. We all know it is important because otherwise you will end up without a man and therefore be even lesser than you are already"

Kidnapped · 19/10/2016 12:51

Bang on, Offred.

Offred · 19/10/2016 12:59

I mean come on only someone completely mad/sad would willingly walk into a relationship where there is clear unfinished business like this; if it finished at all it finished right at the time they started, she wants to continue and he hasn't put appropriate boundaries in place.

Of course it is relevant to their relationship and of course he has lied so he can have them both to restrict the OP's choices.

Arfarfanarf · 19/10/2016 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

graphista · 19/10/2016 13:18

Malphale you're a man yes? What's YOUR relationship status??

Offred · 19/10/2016 13:25

Meh it is only women that benefit in terms of status by having a man remember... Men get higher status if they are able 'get' lots of women, preferably at the same time...

Offred · 19/10/2016 13:26

The man who stays faithful to a single woman for a long time is compromising himself and therefore the woman should never forget that and try her very best to keep him happy...

TheFullMinty · 19/10/2016 21:36

No I suppose you won't be back when it falls apart because you clearly won't listen to any of the good advice given here or pay any attention to the alternative perspectives on the dreadful decisions you insist on making.

For what it's worth the freedom programme might help you start putting your children ahead of your own neediness should you chose to.

TheNaze73 · 19/10/2016 22:03

Op, there is some fabulous advice being recommended to you here, please take it on board & stop blaming the ow.
Imagine you were reading this, as opposed to the OP?
You'd be worried for the children

tipsytrifle · 20/10/2016 00:19

So it seems you're leaving this thread, OP?

Just idly contemplating - 5mths is (as far as i know) quarter the time it takes for a newly qualified driver to get out of the probationary period. In the meantime their insurance premiums are sky high.

TheVeryHungryDieter · 20/10/2016 08:11

Look, just ask to see his phone.

You "I don't trust her. Are you sure nothing went on with you two?"

Him "Look, I've told you a million times. I dunno what she's playing at."

You "Ok, then you won't mind me having a look at your phone to see if I can work out what's going on?"

Him "WTF No, don't you trust me?!"

You "well, you have to admit the whole thing is a bit shady.."

Him "I can't believe you don't trust me!!"

You "fine, I believe you, you're not hiding anything. So if you've nothing to hide..."
/hold out hand

There you go. Instant grounds for breaking up because he's going to look dodgy as fuck either way.

PaulDacresConscience · 20/10/2016 19:43

OP, you asked for advice, you got advice. The issue that you have is that it wasn't the advice that you were expecting. You thought you were going to get some supportive hand-holding and instead you've been given a firm no-nonsense push.

I sincerely hope your relationship works out. I really do. But if it doesn't then I can promise you that if you turn to MN for support, nobody will crow and say 'I told you so'. The reason why people are being firm with you - me included - is because they are trying to help you avoid a situation where you are back on here in 6 months time, upset because things have gone wrong.

His language is interesting: You're asking me to choose?

What choice is there? He only has one girlfriend and if he's living with you then it's supposed to be a serious relationship. Why on earth would you carry on doing something that upset your partner so much - it wouldn't even be a choice? It sounds to me as if he knows fine well that various female friends have softer feelings for him - and it sounds as if he is quite comfortable with that.

He's not a prize to be won. Where is your self-respect love? Come on!

Atenco · 21/10/2016 04:29

I sincerely hope your relationship works out. I really do. But if it doesn't then I can promise you that if you turn to MN for support, nobody will crow and say 'I told you so'.

This. People are pointing out where you've gone wrong OP, but so what, we all go wrong at times. Keep on posting whenever you have problems, there will always be good advice and you can take it or leave it.

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