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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My boyfriend's 'friend'.

98 replies

notenoughbottle · 16/10/2016 22:41

I met my boyfriend five months ago on a dating website. He has lots of friends that are women, some a fair bit older and over the last few months I have got to know them really well and would now class them as my friends too as we speak outside of my relationship. He has this one friend though that is about five years younger than him. She has a boyfriend but is constantly texting him/snap chatting etc At times he has described her to me as being 'needy'. Time of the night etc doesn't matter, she'll just contact him. So... I've been a bit suspicious and about two months ago read his messages which proved to me they've had an ongoing sexual relationship for around three years - ending roughly before I met him. I know I shouldn't have read anything and that day I completely went off the wall - I'm on anti-depressants already. I didn't tell him what I knew just that I wasn't happy with them having any kind of relationship. He maintained throughout the conversation that they hadn't had this kind of relationship and I couldn't tell him that I knew. He says he won't choose which I know I shouldn't expect him to but I feel he should if I'm honest. About a month before this he had gone out with her and not find home till nearly 2am... Anyway fast forward to last night... I've been told by a few of his other friends to 'watch my back' with her, despite them all being a bit two faced. She came out last night on our group night out. She'd barely make an effort with me, just smiled and laughed with everyone else the whole night. The atmosphere was very sharp. She was quite flirty with my other half who in turn was an awfully lot more touchy feeling with me than he usually is in public. She did a couple of things like pretend stuff has spilt on her too and wiped her boob right in front of him, followed him nearly every time he went to the toilet and tried to be as close as possible to him. He on the other hand was a bit off towards her, I thought, although in a friendly way. One of his friends whose birthday it was commented that she didn't even know why she had come out and could see everything that I could. I'm totally in love with my boyfriend, he makes me feel amazing, he looks after me and had generally made such a positive impact on my life. We've booked two hols together, one with our kids, and he moved in with me about a month ago. I can totally see us having a future together, something I could never see happening after I divorced my EA exh nearly five years ago. We are really involved in each other's lives from family and friends to study and work and it's all good - but then there's this. Her. I don't know what to do - it's killing me every day but I want this to work so badly but she just feels like a shadow over it. I can't tell him I've read his messages or that would most definitely be 'it'. How do I deal with this?

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 16/10/2016 23:40

You're ignoring red flags because you want the relationship so badly. It won't end well

Men like that aren't worth the hassle. They're a nuisance as a life partner, give you far too much to think about. Far better to cut ties now its only early days whats the point of man-stress in this one life we have? All the unhappiness over one man

I've probably painted him as being really bad - he's not at all

Well then if the other nice things about him cancel out the fact that he's a liar and dubiously has loads of womenfriends +1 who is clearly too close, then whats the issue? You know who and what he is, if you're staying its best to find a way to put up with it, he is who he is and won't change

CalleighDoodle · 16/10/2016 23:46

Why did he agree to move in with you so soon? Especually since he has kids and theyll need somewhere to sleep. Where was he living before?

MsMims · 16/10/2016 23:52

You'd known him for 4 months before moving him in, and you have children too? What are you thinking?!

Now he's lying to you and clearly carries a torch for another woman. Get him out your house and run for the hills would be my advice. This is all so ridiculous in such a new relationship, and harmful for the children involved.

Liiinoo · 16/10/2016 23:59

Nip the relationship in the bud right now. If you don't you will be back on here in 9/12/19/36 months asking how to ditch this serial cheater whose child you have had/are carrying.

You know this - that's why you posted. Listen to everyone.

Rockingaround · 17/10/2016 00:01

What's the freedom programme? I agree it's all too soon, but it is what it is. His friend is jealous that he's now committed to you, he probably feels it's none of your business what happened before he got together with you. If you feel confident he's not interested in her in that way you need to try and drop it. Ignore when she calls or gets in touch, rise above it and let things be. If he is going to be unfaithful he will and no amount of suspicion or badgering will make him do otherwise. Unfortunately this where you have to trust him... If you can't then spare yourself, cancel the holls and tell him you're not ready, and you've made a mistake about living together. If you can trust him then you'll just have to wait and see ... But at what cost? (to you and your kids)

tipsytrifle · 17/10/2016 00:08

How did his moving in with you come about so fast? Who instigated what must be a momentous change for the dc, yours and his?

I don't think after a very few months of meeting his friends you can call them your friends. How often do you meet them? if once a week, say, then that's not long enough just to define a friend. never mind a partner.

How do you both arrange finances now that he's moved in? Is it on the basis of a family unit?

Obviously you aren't obliged to answer any questions at all, I'm just really surprised that you're living together sooner than the time it takes to actually recognise a date from the crowd without them wearing a flower in their lapel ... Does that sound harsh? I don't mean it to - truly I don't. I'm not for a moment saying he's bad (though he's a player) just that - where did you shelve your independence as a single parent recovering from shit relationships? This relationship may seem better than the past but that doesn't mean it is, unproven as it is. Possibly dis-proven, actually.

tipsytrifle · 17/10/2016 00:14

I suppose I'm actually thinking if you'd consider moving the relationship back to a dating format. He lives somewhere else and you still meet, with a view to what you know is already happening in the ether, if not between some sheets somewhere or other - but without involving dc lives in it all. Which might give you space to breathe and see clearly what's going on. And who with.

Marbleheadjohnson · 17/10/2016 00:17

If you accept such a big lie at the start of your relationship it's only going to get worse.

tipsytrifle · 17/10/2016 00:34

I know it's all too soon. You said this. If you were still just dating and discovered all this stuff what would you do?

Saracen · 17/10/2016 00:42

On top of everything else, I'm concerned that you say his other friends are "all a bit two-faced". I think it's rare for a decent person to tolerate a whole set of bitchy friends. You can learn a lot about someone by the company he keeps.

Why does he put up with this lot? Does he have such low self-esteem that he doesn't think he deserves proper friends - in which case his poor self-worth may lead him into various problems such as not sticking up for you if his friends are nasty to you? Or is he perhaps just as two-faced as they are, only you are too infatuated to see it in him?

StrawberryLime · 17/10/2016 00:56

So... I've been a bit suspicious and about two months ago read his messages which proved to me they've had an ongoing sexual relationship for around three years - ending roughly before I met him

He maintained throughout the conversation that they hadn't had this kind of relationship
Even though you knew he had.

About a month before this he had gone out with her and not find home till nearly 2am...
with someone he'd previously had a relationship with and then outright lied to your face about.

She was quite flirty with my other half who in turn was an awfully lot more touchy feeling with me than he usually is in public

She was flirty with someone who has a girlfriend, and is there in front of her to boot. Lovely.

She was quite flirty with my other half who in turn was an awfully lot more touchy feeling with me than he usually is in public. She did a couple of things like pretend stuff has spilt on her too and wiped her boob right in front of him, followed him nearly every time he went to the toilet and tried to be as close as possible to him. He on the other hand was a bit off towards her, I thought, although in a friendly way
Sounds to me like he would be a bit off with her wouldn't he? Hardly going to be flirting back right under your nose and showing you're right all along.
Sorry, I don't usually comment on this type of post but this post is screaming trust your instincts.
I have male friends, and I've gone to the pub before without husband with one of them. That's because they're a friend though. Love lots, but purely platonic.
Touchy feely with them? Just no.
Not right. Not normal.
Your situation is screaming anything but friend to me.

Only1scoop · 17/10/2016 01:12

There's a reason he's lied

Slow down for goodness sake

StrawberryLime · 17/10/2016 01:29

I think you've moved the whole relationship on too fast, at 5 months you should still be at the dating and getting to know him stage. But you're already at the living together and worrying about him lying to you stage!!!

That's a good point - bloody hell, at 5 months living together would have had me screaming and running away!
Get to know them first!!!
Now DH after 5 months if you'd have said to move in with each other it would have been far too soon. (Moved in after several years, married a few years after that and been together for approx. 20 years!)
5 months you should be getting to know each other. Not moving in.

KoalaDownUnder · 17/10/2016 01:39

If you accept such a big lie at the start of your relationship it's only going to get worse.

This this this.

They're either still shagging each other, or it's only a matter of time.

And the lying is unforgivable. Run a mile. (I know you won't. )

SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys · 17/10/2016 02:25

5 months together, two holidays booked involving your kids and he moved in with you a month ago. For someone who makes you feel anxious, insecure and unsure of yourself and him AND he's a proven liar about who he's had sex with, sounds like you need to be more choosy. You deserve much better.

graphista · 17/10/2016 02:31

What's the longest you've gone without dating? I think you need counselling to understand why you're so desperate for a serious relationship.

Pipthedog · 17/10/2016 02:46

Putting the other side......

He should of been honest about sleeping with her, however it appears that he hasn't whilst being with you.

On the night out he was more interested in you and she kept coming onto him? It sounds as though maybe he was trying to sent her the message that he's not interested.

Myusernameismyusername · 17/10/2016 07:26

I can't understand how you found the texts 2 months ago but still let him move in 1 month ago.

Nothing really makes good sense here. What's the rush?

He doesn't want to rock the boat with honesty but now you are paranoid and suspicious and that's not how it should be after 5 months of dating.

TheNaze73 · 17/10/2016 07:44

5 months and this? Its insane

DoinItFine · 17/10/2016 07:44

There is a reason you have a history of bad relationships, and it is related to the fact that you let your proven liar of a new boyfriend move into your children's home after 4 months.

You really need to take control of your life and take responsibility for your children's welfare.

You have moved a stranger into their home to benefit your sex life.

That is awful parenting.

Awful.

Offred · 17/10/2016 08:14

So his behaviour with women made you feel insecure to the point that you snooped and that made you feel even more insecure so you moved him in but that hasn't solved the problem because you feel insecure because of how he is behaving and now there is so much more to lose you are going to feel worse and worse.

The best thing to do would be to end this now and spend some time getting properly over the crap relationships you have had in the past.

RiceCrispieTreats · 17/10/2016 08:28

He enjoys having this woman all over him. He enjoys that she is off with you, as it makes him feel good to have women fighting over him. He doesn't put proper distance with her because he places his ego being stroked ahead of the welfare of your relationship.

Make no mistake: when he says that "he won't choose" between you, he's really saying that he'd rather throw you under the bus.

I'm afraid that your standards in men and your self-esteem are still too low. A man who nurtures an OW's unhealthy sexual possessiveness, at your expense, is a man who doesn't have your best interests at heart.

He is therefore not partner material.

merville · 17/10/2016 23:30

A sexual relationship for nearly 3 yrs, ending just before you met him; and she has a bf?How long has she had the bf? Cause if it's not only been since they stopped sleeping together then she/they were cheating .. which also shows you what kind of person he is.

The not being honest about the true nature of their relationship is a pretty big red flag. Out til 2am together? Says he won't choose? Seems like he doesn't want a real relationship with her but doesn't want to lose her as a 'special' friend either.

So his relationship with you is serious enough for you to be living together and combining your families; yet he can't 'choose' you over a (former?) FWB?!! (A fwb who's acting inappropriately and making you uncomfortable into the bargain).

I wonder how he would feel in reverse circumstances.

Isetan · 18/10/2016 06:01

Given your relationship history it makes no sense why you haven't been more cautious than you have been.

Your issues are greater than your lying bf, sort yourself out before your children are damaged by your poor decision making.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 18/10/2016 08:30

After 5 months all you really know about this man is that he's a liar.

The fact you have already moved him in with your children shows an astonishing lack of foresight on your part. If you don't learn to put appropriate boundaries in place, you will continue to have shitty relationships.

With regards reading his messages, you simply have to tell him that you knew something wasn't adding up about this friend, so you read his messages, you now know the truth.

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