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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My boyfriend's 'friend'.

98 replies

notenoughbottle · 16/10/2016 22:41

I met my boyfriend five months ago on a dating website. He has lots of friends that are women, some a fair bit older and over the last few months I have got to know them really well and would now class them as my friends too as we speak outside of my relationship. He has this one friend though that is about five years younger than him. She has a boyfriend but is constantly texting him/snap chatting etc At times he has described her to me as being 'needy'. Time of the night etc doesn't matter, she'll just contact him. So... I've been a bit suspicious and about two months ago read his messages which proved to me they've had an ongoing sexual relationship for around three years - ending roughly before I met him. I know I shouldn't have read anything and that day I completely went off the wall - I'm on anti-depressants already. I didn't tell him what I knew just that I wasn't happy with them having any kind of relationship. He maintained throughout the conversation that they hadn't had this kind of relationship and I couldn't tell him that I knew. He says he won't choose which I know I shouldn't expect him to but I feel he should if I'm honest. About a month before this he had gone out with her and not find home till nearly 2am... Anyway fast forward to last night... I've been told by a few of his other friends to 'watch my back' with her, despite them all being a bit two faced. She came out last night on our group night out. She'd barely make an effort with me, just smiled and laughed with everyone else the whole night. The atmosphere was very sharp. She was quite flirty with my other half who in turn was an awfully lot more touchy feeling with me than he usually is in public. She did a couple of things like pretend stuff has spilt on her too and wiped her boob right in front of him, followed him nearly every time he went to the toilet and tried to be as close as possible to him. He on the other hand was a bit off towards her, I thought, although in a friendly way. One of his friends whose birthday it was commented that she didn't even know why she had come out and could see everything that I could. I'm totally in love with my boyfriend, he makes me feel amazing, he looks after me and had generally made such a positive impact on my life. We've booked two hols together, one with our kids, and he moved in with me about a month ago. I can totally see us having a future together, something I could never see happening after I divorced my EA exh nearly five years ago. We are really involved in each other's lives from family and friends to study and work and it's all good - but then there's this. Her. I don't know what to do - it's killing me every day but I want this to work so badly but she just feels like a shadow over it. I can't tell him I've read his messages or that would most definitely be 'it'. How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
everythingis · 18/10/2016 14:27

Hope you are ok op. Sadly checking out a blokes social life is just something you have to do before deciding to get serious.

notenoughbottle · 18/10/2016 21:18

Thanks for all replies. Ive taken everything on board, including comments about my 'awful' parenting... No I haven't done the Freedom programme despite it being recommended to me many times. I suppose I got 'lost in the system' in relation to that. I genuinely don't think that he's in this to cause trouble for me. I do believe he loves me - we clicked as soon as we met. I think the truth is though he's actually had relationships before where ex girlfriends have checked his phone etc and I said I wouldn't do that. I just want him to cut this woman out of his life and don't know how to say it as I'm pretty sure if he finds out I know he'll end our relationship.

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 18/10/2016 21:23
Confused I don't really know how to reply to your post.

Ok so you want to work out a way of getting rid of this woman secretly as to not upset him because he has already told you that other women going through his phone is an issue for him, although he has something to hide from you and it's not out of the realms of possibility he was hiding something from them too

So main objective is:
Not upset him
Avoid thinking about whether he is a good person for you
The woman is the problem and once she is gone everything will be fine and trust magically reappears

AyeAmarok · 18/10/2016 21:24

I just want him to cut this woman out of his life and don't know how to say it as I'm pretty sure if he finds out I know he'll end our relationship.

You can't decide to cut someone out of his life, you've been his girlfriend for about 5 minutes! And he obviously wants her in it or he'd do it himself.

Marbleheadjohnson · 18/10/2016 21:27

He has a funny way of loving someone if he is going to lie such a big lie. It's either unnecessary because nothing is going on, in which case why is he lying? Or, he is lying because he has something to hide. He doesn't sound good for you, knowing that he is a liar is going to leave you ill at ease, paranoid and unhappy. How you came to find out that he is a liar is not really important. Five months should short enough for a split to be relatively is, and you can find someone who does not lie to you with such ease.

Have you looked at the Freedom Programme online? It's an online course book that's only about £10, I found it really helpful personally, as I wasn't keen on going to a group. It's short, it's blunt, it puts in black and white the shitty behaviour you need not put up with and might help you put boundaries in place in future relationships.

Marbleheadjohnson · 18/10/2016 21:28

And if you get rid of this woman, he will probably find others to inflate his ego, so the problem won't go away

WhoKnewSeamus · 18/10/2016 21:33

So main objective is:
Not upset him
Avoid thinking about whether he is a good person for you
The woman is the problem and once she is gone everything will be fine and trust magically reappears

That really does sum it up very well Myuser

OP why??! Why are you doing it to yourself?

Starryeyed16 · 18/10/2016 21:45

This relationship has disaster written all over op I don't mean to sound harsh. You haven't allowed for a natural progression and still in the honeymoon stage although you've got trust issues. You have a history of failed relationships, what about the impact of different men in your DC lives?

AnyFucker · 18/10/2016 21:46

you have ^taken everything on board" ?

You really haven't

Wadingthroughsoup · 18/10/2016 21:48

I'm afraid I agree with the consensus OP. You sound incredibly vulnerable and naïve. Do you have some friends of your own? Family? Aren't they a bit worried about this new relationship? I'm amazed you invited him to move in with you after such a short time. That really is not a great thing for your children, honestly. I get that you think it's all 'perfect' at the moment- but that's completely normal for a 5 month old relationship- it's still very much the honeymoon period and often continues to be so for quite some time, which is why moving in together so quickly is usually not a brilliant idea- but especially if you have children, and if you've already had damaging relationships in the past.

I implore you to tell him that you feel things are going too fast and you want him to move out. Then you could continue to see each other but just take things at a much slower pace! Good luck.

pinkyredrose · 18/10/2016 22:01

How and why did he move in after 4 months? Also how old are your DC?

Cabrinha · 18/10/2016 22:02

Well, your kids are grown up right - no longer living at home?
Because what kind of bad parenting decision would that be, to move a boyfriend of 4 months in with them?
For fucksake.

How do you sort this out? (the ex girlfriend that he was shagging 16 weeks before moving in with you)

You tell him. You tell him you looked at his phone and that you were right to because he is a liar. Or now that you're BFFs with all his mates, just tell him - you were told to watch you back with her because he has history with her.

Now you say you can't tell him that because he'd end it. Good. Because then he's not the man for you. If your relationship is strong enough for you to bring him into your children's home (so it is - right? Hmm) then it's strong enough for you both to get through that.

Of course you shouldn't be trying to work it out because he is a liar. Nice, letting you make friends with his friends knowing they all know she's his ex shag Hmm

Lost in the system re Freedom Programme? Don't talk shite. You can do it online and you chose not to.

Wish is fine, carry on making shit decisions for yourself, but maybe consider whether a good parent would inflict those bad decisions on their children?

pinkyredrose · 18/10/2016 22:18

OP a quick AS tells me you have sons of 7 and 9 and a toddler daughter. I'm guessing it feels good to have a guy around again, maybe create a new family? I don't want to upset you but it does seem you've moved unhealthily fast especially considering the ages of the DC. Did you invite him to move in or was he 'between places'? It just seems so unwise to be living together and you seem afraid to tell him what's really on your mind. Could he move out even if just a few days to give you breathing space?

magoria · 18/10/2016 22:56

He lied to you and told you he has never had a sexual relationship with her.

He sods off on nights out with her.

If he cared for you this wouldn't be happening. He is happy to have her attitude towards you yet still go out with her.

You moved him in after 4 months!

This is a car crash waiting to happen.

sleepyowl12 · 18/10/2016 23:39

You say everything is wonderful but he has lied to you - that doesn't sound like wonderful to me.

Creampastry · 19/10/2016 06:37

You met him online 5 months ago and he's already living with you?? Wtf? As you have kids you should be more responsible.

BeMorePanda · 19/10/2016 07:09

Why do you think his ex-girlfriends checked his phone? And why do you think it's an issue for him? Because they uncovered his lies and cheating - just like you have done.

You seem determined to do yourself and your DC a massive disservice by actively pursuing this relationship and wilfully ignoring Big flashing warning signs.

Lessthanaballpark · 19/10/2016 07:17

I think you juat need to be honest about the messages and tell him you know.

She's obviously still in love with him and even if he isn't still sleeping with her he's acted badly towards her by leading G her on for 3 years, dumping her then parading his new girlfriend in front of her.

I think you need to try to look at it from her point of view.

corythatwas · 19/10/2016 08:14

notenoughbottle Sun 16-Oct-16 23:04:53
"I know it's all too soon. But I've had some really bloody awful relationships and everything else is just going wonderfully."

You need to think this over carefully and work out the implications.

You have had some bloody awful relationships - so your standards are likely to be very low.

You have had some bloody awful relationships- so your children really, really don't need more shit in their lives.

You have had some bloody awful relationships- so all evidence suggests that you are precisely the kind of woman abusive or cheating men are drawn to.

This should make you more careful, not less.

PaulDacresConscience · 19/10/2016 08:59

He's not a wonderful bloke if he's lying to you, is he?

You need to give your head a wobble love, and you need to remember that it's not just about what makes you happy - it's about what's best for your kids and their stability. You moved him in 4 months after you met him and if he knew you'd checked his phone then you think he'd end the relationship. Does any of that sound stable to you?

Offred · 19/10/2016 09:03

Eesh, you have got a pasting! I understand why because people are thinking about your children in this who don't have any control over the environment you create for them.

I doubt shouting at someone who clearly has been through abusive relationships, and likely has low self esteem as a result, that they are a bad mother, will help.

You've made some poor choices for understandable if not sensible reasons OP, I know you must be thinking that the pull of a little happiness is great and the difficulty of undoing things is too big a mountain to climb but I really really think that's because your past relationships have conditioned you into a state of panic where the short term is all you can see.

It will be much much more difficult if you carry on living with him, he's been staying there only a short time, the difficulty for your children will not be so great if you get him out of the house again at this point.

Please at least say to him moving in was too soon and you want to go back to dating but I think it would be better if you just went your separate ways.

RiceCrispieTreats · 19/10/2016 09:39

"I just want him to cut this woman out of his life"

Only he can do that.
And he doesn't want to.

notenoughbottle · 19/10/2016 10:08

So I've talked to him. I haven't told him I've read his messages but I've told him that I don't want him near her, that our night out was very awkward and that she was a bitch towards me, which she was. I tried really hard with her and she kind of tried to pretend I wasn't there. He's asked me if I'm asking him to choose. I've said yes. He's still here. He knows the options now and he's decided. He swears that he would never cheat on me. I do believe him. After all this happened before we met so I suppose I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. If it fails it does but no I won't be back on here crying about it.

OP posts:
Offred · 19/10/2016 10:13

Confused no you really don't need to give a man you have only known for 5 months 'the benefit of the doubt'...

He is going to be one of those guys who feels he is entitled to do whatever he wants short of actually putting his cock in her and probably at some point thinks putting his cock in her is not so bad because he has done it before and you have driven him to it by being so controlling over his 'friendships'...

She is not his friend. She is his FWB. Have you not wondered at all why he didn't just stop speaking to her entirely as soon as he got with you?

And he is still living with you... which is bad for reasons related and unrelated to this drama.

magoria · 19/10/2016 10:13

Five months.

He's lying to you.

You are lying to him.

This is not a wonderful relationship.