Attempts to talk always end like this!

[brightnearly]

It's happened so many times before, and it happened again this morning:

I did something DH didn't like (in this case, being a little alarmed and apologetic that our letters are on my writing desk - they don't belong there, and the desk was a mess) - he berated me ('It's not necessary to react like this, all I said was that I'm going to sort out the letters, and you shoot up immediately and get all alarmed etc) - I tried to explain myself ('I felt really bad about the messy desk and the fact the letters weren't in the right place") - I'm being told I'm unreasonable.

Then I try to explain that if every reaction of mine needs to be the 'right' one, and correspond to his intentions (and not my perception of the situation), life is difficult for me (and it is, I feel at least as if I'm forever being told of for reacting in the wrong way). I didn't mean any harm by my reaction, at all.

Then he sighs and declares that I don't understand him, that this conversation is going nowhere, that we are just not on the same page, we just don't get on, and that's that. That I wasn't listening to him at all and not taking in his point of view. I then said that I was very interested in his point of view and would like to understand it - but he just dismissed me, saying no, I wasn't!
When I asked him where he wanted to go from here, he said 'that is my decision'.

I cannot say how sad, frustrated, dismayed and horrified I feel; and I wanted to ask: Does anyone have an idea of how to get someone to have a full conversation with you? Any techniques on how to ease someone into taking in another's point of view? In 8 years of marriage I cannot recall a single conversation where my point of view was taken into account properly.
Quite often, attempts at conversations end even more dramatically, with him shouting at me and hiding in the bathroom.

You didn't mention shouting expletives. That's inappropriate.

If he's shouting at you then there's very little hope IMO.

If he simply won't address the issue then how can it be resolved?

Yes, Sparrowhead, that's kind of the problem.

i dont think i explained that well..but an example is that i was really annoyed about someone having a go at me in the street. i was looking for reassurance from my partner for how i felt and instead they said that they were sorry for not helping the situation, so then when i was feeling overwhelmed i then had to make a choice either to supress my feelings to then address my partners feelings about whether they had done the right thing or not, or to carry on feeling overwhelmed myself knowing that my partner was thinking only about how the situation affected them and how their involvement affected my view of them iyswim

Interesting, scaryclown!

That could have been me, and the idea behind that is that I see you're upset and I feel with you and wish I could have helped you!

In the car - I tried to direct him to me, I saw he was upset and knew he'd had a tricky and annoying time, so I expressed my regrets about that.

That's probably why then. Expressing regrets about how you made it happen adds a 'thought' layer to the feelings ..just deal with the feelings. eg if a child falls over and is upset the last thing they want is a hand-wringing 'mummy is a bad mummy' ..they just want a hug whilst their feelings normalise...

If this is an ongoing problem that he refuses to talk to you about, and you feel abused because of it, then the only way to deal with it is by ending the marriage. You have no other options.

I think I get that ... sort of.

But why am I expected to help digest legitimate emotions and at the same time accept that my emotions are unreasonable and should be suppressed?

Sparrowhawk so I have no other options, do I. It's all black or white.

With my MIL the apologising thing isn't what I would consider to be a reasonable reaction to what I've said. I should be able to make an observation without her ramping up the emotion and trying to get me to forgive her for something I haven't accused her of.

Do you think your husband feels the same way?

What options do you think you have bright?

This reminds me of my exh, and I've got to say, they sort of "train" you to think everything is your fault, which also leads you to believe that if only you could do things "the right way" they'd be nice. And as their behaviour is so odd, you think "if only I could get him to see its not normal, he'd be nice".

Well, I know your behaviour is not causing his, and I am also fairly sure that he does not have the emotional intelligence to grasp his part in this.

My exh used to get flooded too, and he'd hide - in the bathroom, in the pub, at the bottom of a glass of beer. He was emotionally abusive, and he got less and less able to express any empathy (though expects floods of it from others).

I am well rid. I also have ptsd from pretty severe emotional abuse. I wish I'd gotten out earlier, to save me and the kids the stress of living w someone like that. Financially it hasn't been easy, but as he's a spendthrift it's actually turned out to be easier as there's no-one tearing through the grocery money or money needed for the gas bill etc.

Unless he's wiling to go to counselling (but even then ...) the sooner you start your life the better.

And yes, take photos of all financial records. Email them to an account he can't access.

Sparrow you realise that you are taking it upon yourself to determine what is unreasonable and what isn't?

And you imply that your notion of what's (un)reasonable trumps that of your MIL.

You have no compassion with her? And you feel that you cannot be expected, really, to show any tolerance.

That is, frankly, entitled.

Fair enough. But the issue at hand isn't me and my MIL it's you and your DH.

You drew the parallel.

And it's correct insofar as your thinking and my DH's seem congruent.

Ok so what do you think your options are?

I think that's for another thread.

Ok