Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So Angry right now.

56 replies

Emprexia · 08/02/2007 16:58

DS annoyed me earlier, screaming in my ear while having a tantrum, so as not to lose my temper with him i put him down somewhere safe and left him to it for a bit.

DH comes in and picks him up to give me a break, calms him down and then tries to get him to go to sleep, DS starts crying as soon as he sits down and then quickly goes back to screaming.

I tell Dh to give him back to me as i've chilled out a little bit, and DS is actually now upset and not just having a tantrum, and ignores me.

Then HE gets annoyed, stands up and literally dumps our son in his bouncer then storms away, pausing to THROW a toy at him!!

WTF?!? He just Threw a toy with hard plastic bits at my sons head/face and then walked into the bathroom without checking if he was ok.. and its been 30 mins and he hasn't even apologised for it.

I'm just so ANGRY with him and at a loss of quite what to do.

OP posts:
LIZS · 08/02/2007 17:05

deos he do this often and how old is ds if he is still in a bouncer?

Glassofwine · 08/02/2007 17:06

Ok, he WAS wrong, but children are very testing - sometimes, as you did you loose your temper. He's probably feeling awful too. He tried to do the right thing, tried to help you and then gets it in the neck for not being able to read your mind. I'd be irritated too, but I've found that the best thing is to try to work together and be understanding - you know he didn't want to hurt your ds.

How about something along the lines of 'I know it's bloody hard sometimes - I lost it too - lets try not to feel too bad and work out a better way of us both handling it next time'

Original poster
Emprexia · 08/02/2007 17:25

He's 5 months old, and its the first time Dh has done it where i've seen it.

And i didn't lose my temper, i put him down safely where i could see him to finish his tantrum before i got to that point.(which is something i was taught to do during my Nursery Nurse courses)

There is no point losing your temper with a young baby, they don't understand what they've done, and there is no excuse for what DH just did.

And where did i say DH had to read my mind? What part of "I tell DH to give him to me....and he ignored me" hints at him needing to read my mind??

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 08/02/2007 17:29

Everyone gets stressed out by their children sometimes.
Cue the 'putting the child down safely and leaving the room for a while' routine that you carried out yourself.
Throwing a toy at a baby, however, is unacceptable, and you need to have a very serious conversation with your DH about it.

Perigrine · 08/02/2007 17:30

Sorry, but I think that you were a bit unreasonable demanding the baby back, if you never let DH deal with a tantrum, in a couple of years you will be complaining that he doesn't help with discipline.

He WAS wrong throwing a toy, but you are not the only parent in the house and you cannot demand your baby back when it suits you, you need to let him also try and calm and soothe your child.

I think you both need to apologise and learn from what happened, ultimately the baby wasn't hurt, but you can both learn from what happened.

nadinebagott · 08/02/2007 17:31

can i just add that 5 month olds don't have tantrums. they cry because it is theri only means of communication and they are trying to tell you something.

LIZS · 08/02/2007 17:37

Sorry but babies that age don't have tantrums, he didn't set out to annoy you personally - they might get overtired, overhungry , overstimulated and furstrated so yell but that is so not a tantrum. Is your ds often "upset" and so inconsolable. Yes it may annoy you and you did right to put him down while you collected yourself but both you and dh need to work out how to cope better as your ds will become more difficult, even deliberately so, as he becomes a toddler. Are you angry at dh for taking over and ignoring you or venting his frustration and recklessly throwing something at your baby in rage?

Original poster
Emprexia · 08/02/2007 17:45

It might not be the same as a toddler tantrum, but having worked with babies under 6 months for 6 years before becoming a parent, i know that 5 months old can have a tantrum.

They are capable at that age of wanting something and getting annoyed when they dont get it, hence "tantrum", and i'm able to recongise the difference between "upset" and "annoyed"

As for ordering DH to give him to me. DH has a very short temper, and i often (but not always) have to intervene and demand son back because Dh gets annoyed, then angry and refuses to hand him over and frightens DS into such a state of distress that it takes me a long time to soothe him again.

We've discovered that DH isn't baby friendly since DS was born, but i never thought he'd actually go so far as to throw something at our Son in annoyance.

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 08/02/2007 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Emprexia · 08/02/2007 18:03

Lizs, i'm annoyed because he threw the toy, and threw it quite hard, straight at DS's Head.

Ds has had colic so i'm used to him screaming, i can count on one hand the amount of times i've got to the point i've had to physically put him down and leave him for a couple of minutes.

OP posts:
Tinkerbel5 · 08/02/2007 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Glassofwine · 08/02/2007 18:57

As a mother of three children I would never agree that a 5 month old baby has tantrums - as others have said they aren't old enough. They do however, as I said earlier test your patience and you are absolutely right that putting the baby somewhere safe and going in another room to let off steam is the way to go.

Your dh either needs to have some help to deal with his frustration and anger. Or he's so fed up with being told that you know best, that you have 6 years experience that he's getting totally fed up. You are comming across as a bit sanctamonious (sp) it's not uncommon in first time mothers - perhaps a sign of how much you love your baby. But he is the babies father and needs to be helped and encouraged to be a great dad.

tubismybub · 08/02/2007 19:12

Clearly your DH is an arse for throwing something at a baby and he needs to deal with how he reacts to a child being upset, but then again if your telling "Oh it's a tantrum" then how's he supposed to learn that he should be soothing the baby not frightening the poor thing half to death.

I to would not want someone with your opinions looking after mt child. Sorry to be harsh but you need to stop and think about the way you are as well as yur DH.

tubismybub · 08/02/2007 19:16

Awful spelling in last post and probably didn't make much sense.

My DH struggled at first not to get annoyed when DS was inconsolable at a young age and i spent a long time explaining that little babies don't have tantrums and aren't trying to be naughty or manipulate you.

DH worked really hard to develop patience and now that DS is entering 'real' tantrum age he's able to deal with it so much better, better than me actually

Original poster
Emprexia · 08/02/2007 19:54

ok, just to make it clear, the reason i mentioned tantrums was to explain that DS wasn't in distress when i put him down.

He was fed, changed, warm, burped and happy, right up until i stopped playing with him for 10 seconds and put him down while i tied my hair out of the way of grabby little fingers.. then he started screaming at me.

Maybe tantrum isn't the right word, annoyance/frustration, maybe.. but it wasn't upset.. which he was when DH had him.

DH isn't a first time dad, he's done this before with my SD

and if i'm coming across as "sanctimonious" i apologise, i'm Autistic and my communication skills aren't great.

For the record, DH wasn't annoyed at me, he was annoyed because DS wouldn't stop screaming at him, and rather than do what we've arranged between the two of us when he feels he can't cope - which is to hand him back to me - DH dropped him in the bouncer and threw the toy.

OP posts:
bumblebeee · 08/02/2007 20:08

Having a baby can be extremely fraustrating all round. If your dh has temper problems and is capable of doing this I would really be questioning that he should seek help before anything worse happens.

Jimjams2 · 08/02/2007 20:17

Have a word with him when he's calmed down kaishay- but try to do it in a non-accusatory way- kind of "next time you feel your temper rising put him down and get out of the room, throwing a toy at him is not acceptable". He probably knows that anyway. Does he find crying harder to deal with than you? My dh finds it quite difficult when one of the kids is screaming and starts shouting himself.

NENEandLEXI · 08/02/2007 20:24

babies can be trying...

maybe your dh was fustrated with you standing over his shoulders and judging how he handles situations involving your child? and i am not judging you, i think i may do the same thing! even when i am stressed out i would rather take care of my dd than hand her off...i am afraid that if i have lost patience with her, and i love her soooo much, how in the world is anyone else going to be able to keep it together? so i can understand to a point why you would want to monitor.

i just want to point out that it would appear your dh was having a tantrum, rather than your 5 month old.

sexkittyinwaiting · 08/02/2007 20:26

Bloody hell, don't mean to upset but honestly do you seriously think a 5 month old baby has tantrums!!!!!!??????. Poor little mite has almost no control over anything he does yet. As for your dh, ok kids can wind you up but to do that to a little defencless baby is truly horrifying. I would be worried if i were you, seriously I would.

PanicPants · 08/02/2007 20:29

Have to agree with others on here. No way can a five month old have tantrums. Poor poor wee man

Jimjams2 · 08/02/2007 20:33

she's explained what she meant by tantrum- read the 19:54 post.

NENEandLEXI · 08/02/2007 20:41

well, we all seem to agree about the whole tantrum thing....

maybe you two are being stretched too thin. are you a stay @ home, or do you work outside the home? in no way is it acceptable behavior for dh to throw anything at your son. immature and wrong, no matter if you were standing beside him nit-picking his parenting style or calling his mum names.

good job in knowing your own boiling point and stepping away.

divastrop · 08/02/2007 20:44

it sounds to me like you could both do with some parenting classes tbh.IME 5 month olds dont scream for no reason,yes they may get a bit whingey if they are bored but a baby isnt capable of having a tantrum,and even when they get to toddler age and do start having tantrums,its only because they cant tell you what they want and are getting frustrated.

having been in relationships with men who had 'a temper' i can understand you wanting to take your ds off your dh as oyu are obviously scared of what he could do.if he wants to be a dad then he should get help controlling his anger or f**k off and leave you to it.

NENEandLEXI · 08/02/2007 20:45

and read the post 17:45.

Jimjams2 · 08/02/2007 20:50

kaishay you said "We've discovered that DH isn't baby friendly since DS was born"- is that because of the noise? Does your dh have an ASD as well?