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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So Angry right now.

56 replies

Emprexia · 08/02/2007 16:58

DS annoyed me earlier, screaming in my ear while having a tantrum, so as not to lose my temper with him i put him down somewhere safe and left him to it for a bit.

DH comes in and picks him up to give me a break, calms him down and then tries to get him to go to sleep, DS starts crying as soon as he sits down and then quickly goes back to screaming.

I tell Dh to give him back to me as i've chilled out a little bit, and DS is actually now upset and not just having a tantrum, and ignores me.

Then HE gets annoyed, stands up and literally dumps our son in his bouncer then storms away, pausing to THROW a toy at him!!

WTF?!? He just Threw a toy with hard plastic bits at my sons head/face and then walked into the bathroom without checking if he was ok.. and its been 30 mins and he hasn't even apologised for it.

I'm just so ANGRY with him and at a loss of quite what to do.

OP posts:
tubismybub · 08/02/2007 21:33

OK, i see that you didn't mean a tantrum as such and i was probably a little harsh.

Have you spoken to your DH yet? Was it your DS that got him angry or was it because he felt you weren't giving him a chance calm DS? Did he feel that you were in someway undermining him? (either way throwing a toy at a baby is unaceptable) but you need to understand who he was angry with so you can work out how to deal with this.

I know you've said that you have agreed that DH is to hand DS back to you if he isn't coping and this is a good idea but maybe in future you shouldn't step in until DH asks you to or unless DH is acting impatiently towards your DS?

Soapbox · 08/02/2007 21:59

I really can't beleive the responses on this thread.

The majority of posters wading in over the use of the word tantrum, rather than expressing any view on the fact that a grown man threw a toy with some force at teh head of a 5 mo baby!

How ridiculous is that?

Kaishay, once your DS is in bed, can you talk this through with DH. As you say, in your original post,it isn't acceptable for him to do this with a small baby.

Why do you think DH hangs onto the baby when he is getting really irritated. Do you think you could start with setting out some rules as to how he and you should react if he is starting to get irritated?

It is always best to set these rules out when you are not in the middle of a situation, so if you can do it when you are both calm and have time to talk then that would be better.

It might be an idea for your DH to try and get some anger management courses too! He can talk to his GP about this.

Original poster
Emprexia · 08/02/2007 22:04

Jimjam, its purely because DH has no patience, and has v. old fashioned view on raising children - as in seen and not heard, even babies. He's 39 and was raised as part of a big family with an elderly mother (she would be 78 now), so his parenting ideas are very outdated and strict.

For instance I'm very much an attachment parenting/kangaroo care advocate and had to fight DH all the way because he thinks you can spoil a baby by holding and carrying them all the time.

He feels DS should be quiet and understand when he's being silly, i spend a lot of time reminding him that DS doesnt understand him.

OP posts:
colditz · 08/02/2007 22:07

Kaishay, your dh sounds like he is going to be a fucking awful father.

sexkittyinwaiting · 08/02/2007 22:12

Kaishay, I seriously think you need to look to protecting your son from this man. If he cannot control himself to the extent that he throws something at a small baby then what on earth is going to happen as your son gets older? The possibilities are not nice. Your job is to protect your son.

Jimjams2 · 08/02/2007 22:12

gosh that sounds very difficult kaishay. Would he attend a parenting class (they can be good and there are couples ones). It might make him see that there are other, more effective ways.

Original poster
Emprexia · 08/02/2007 22:16

He's wonderful with my stepdaughter, he just doesnt seem to have baby patience.

Dont get me wrong, it isnt all bad, when things are ok, its fantastic ans DS loves him, he just needs to get his temper sorted and his brain in the 21st century.

OP posts:
Dinosaur · 08/02/2007 22:17

Kaishay, how old is step-d?

It sounds as if you are going to have your work cut out for you .

Original poster
Emprexia · 08/02/2007 22:25

She's 13,but i've been on the scene since she was 6, and DH has babysat for her 4yr old half-sister.

OP posts:
NENEandLEXI · 08/02/2007 22:28

soapbox

i think everyone is a little hung-up on the tantrum thing but for the simple fact that as a parent you would deal with a child having a tantrum differently than an infant with colic or who is crying (perhaps even screaming?). a parent may find disciplining a child who is having a tantrum quite reasonable, but disciplining an infant is totally ineffective and cruel if you think about it. an infant doesnt have the reasoning skills to have a tantrum or understand punishment.

well, i cant speak for everyone, but that was my big issue.

Soapbox · 08/02/2007 22:30

But it doesn't matter what the cause was - there is never a good reason to throw something at a child.

It almost reads as if, if the child was old enough and having a proper tantrum, then throwing the toy at them would be okay!

I just don't seee how the description of his crying makes any difference to how awful the act was.

NENEandLEXI · 08/02/2007 22:31

kaishay

is there anyone besides your dh that you can turn to if you need a break. maybe he is a little jealous of the baby

NENEandLEXI · 08/02/2007 22:37

no your not getting it...i am NOT excusing dh or describing his behavior as punishment at all...he acted like an idiot! i was just saying that in regards to kaishay's remarks. maybe explaining the difference to her dh would make him less fustrated?

themildmanneredjanitor · 08/02/2007 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edam · 08/02/2007 22:42

Kaishay, I would be seriously worried about having someone with a temper like that taking responsibility for a baby. The way your dh behaved was dangerous. Can you show him your Red Book - the health record your HV gave you? It has a page in there about handling crisis points. Gives the same advice you followed about putting baby down somewhere safe and walking away temporarily to regain your composure. Maybe your dh would take it better from a written source than from you, if he's a rules is rules kind of man.

You do need to sort out his anger problems before another flash point arises. Which I imagine might be tough if you have autism. I'm no expert on autism but it makes it hard to understand other people's emotions, I believe? So it might be more difficult for you to handle/anticpate your dh's temper than for someone who doesn't have that extrahurdle, I imagine. Maybe it would be worth calling the National Autism Society for some confidential advice. Or speaking to your HV if you have a decent one.

controlfreakyandroses · 08/02/2007 22:48

this needs addressing. as things stand you could never leave ds alone with his father safely... what would happen if he had a "tantrum" when he was caring for him on his own?? if you dont address the underlying problem now (his lack of self control / his anger problems) and leave ds in his care you will be failing to protect your baby. this is serious stuff.

colditz · 08/02/2007 22:53

Could I just point out that he could have broken the baby's nose?

What a dilemma. Do you tell the truth in hospital, which would definately lead to SS turning up, or do you lie? Do you protect the husband to the detriment of the child, or the child to the detriment of the husband?

This could so easily have been your dilemma tonight.

Jimjams2 · 08/02/2007 23:34

I don't think the NAS will be much use for this sort of situation (and edam some people with autism are far more sensitiive to other people's moods than people without autism, I wouldn't assume anything, it will be individual). There are quite a few mothers with AS who post on mumsnet though kaishay (they tend to be quite active in the SN section so you could easily track them down on there). Alternatively I know the Aut-UK email list always used to have a number of parents on the spectrum who posted.

In this case though as your dh isn't on the spectrum that's kind of by the by anyway. Has he spoken to you now? babies always go back to screaming once you sit down don;t they? DS3 does it still and he's 2 now. It is frustrating. I hope your dh is remorseful and recognises that he was totally in the wrong. Do you think it would work if your dh agreed not to even try and deal with your son when he's crying? That would be a lot of pressure on you though (although it sounds like you don't exactly get a break when he has him anyway if you're worried about him exploding).

Jimjams2 · 08/02/2007 23:43

edam sory btw if my post to you there sounded a bit curt- I'm tired and it's hard to summarise. It's just something that someone wiith autism once advised me - that some people with autism will pick up on erratic emotions big time- far more than normal. Always individual.

mummytosteven · 08/02/2007 23:45

I agree with jimjams, I think that the OP being on the spectrum is irrelevant; whether or not the OP's behaviour irritates him, her DH should not be throwing anything at a baby. It sounds like her DH is very frustrated by the baby crying and needs to develop more constructive responses to this, as others have said. I wonder if he might find it useful to talk to/look at this organsation -

www.cry-sis.org.uk/

ThisValenTime · 09/02/2007 00:45

Have you actualy spoken to him about it yet?

MassiveBoobs · 09/02/2007 01:07

I think my DH is pretty much had the same. When DS goes to him he screams more than when he's with me and I know thats because DH gets angry with him. I take him and then DH gets angry with me for taking him. Theare not abusive - DH had admitted that he is used to getting his own way which you can't with a baby. Also DS is 5 months and has been awful all day. If tantrums mean geting frustrated because they can't crawl then DS definately has those.

lazymoo · 09/02/2007 01:22

"He's 39 and was raised as part of a big family with an elderly mother (she would be 78 now), so his parenting ideas are very outdated and strict." So your Dh and Ds have the same age gap as you Dh and his mother. Do you consider your husband Elderly!

You know maybe everyone needs to take a deep breath, and when you and Dh are both calm, you maybe say how suprised that your Dh reacted in such a way, and has it upset him the same way it has upset you.

Or, you could offer to throw the TV at your SD when you next see her as retribution!! Lol

Original poster
Emprexia · 09/02/2007 05:05

Lol, i'm only 25, so 78 is the age my grandparents are, thats what i was getting at. So no, i dont think DH is elderly, but he's no spring chicken,lol.

I know he feels bad, he just offered to get up and do this night feed,something he has never done - i exclusively deal with ds overnight.

It'll get spoken about after DH has hada good nights sleep and is in a good mood.

OP posts:
controlfreakyandroses · 09/02/2007 11:50

and if ds is difficult to feed / crying afterwards / having a tantrum?