Husband in need of advice

[PresentTense]

Hi everyone. Am looking for some female insight please. I’ll condense this as much as possible.

My wife and I have been married for just over a year and have been together for 8 years. We’ve always had a really good relationship, full of love and understanding, and still do. However, there have been outside problems that have seeped in and have caused a problem for us.

Just before we got married, my wife’s relationship with her Dad broke down and they are now no longer in each other’s lives. My wife has a complicated relationship with her Dad and she took a lot of the emotional slack for her family when she was a teenager and young adult. After the relationship with him ended, she was very depressed and I did my best to support her through it all. The grief she felt was huge and it really hit her hard.

She sought out some therapy and worked to get over it and get herself in a better place emotionally, and again, I was fully behind this.

The thing is my wife now feels as though she needs some time alone to grow. She wants to get happy in herself. She says she loves me and I’m everything she wants in a partner, but at the moment, she feels she needs some time alone to work out who she is and how she fits into the world.

She also feels like the sexual spark she held for me has disappeared and it’s not coming back easily at the moment. She says she wants to be with me but currently doesn’t feel she can work on herself and be living together at the same time.

We’ve been in couple’s therapy and she’s been staying at a friend’s place for a few weeks to get some of her own space. We’ve been seeing each other once a week in that time, and also at therapy sessions.

At the end of the day if she needs some space to grow, I support her in this, and it allows me to do the same. We both hope that some time living in separate spaces will help us as a partnership in the long run after some personal growth. But naturally I’m really concerned for the future and what will happen with us as a couple.

I’m mainly after some female perspective on this as I try and grapple with what’s happening with us. Has anyone been through anything similar?

Op my guess is was with you and leaned on you for support when she was going through and coming to terms with all the family difficulties. You were her safe place.
Now she has come through the other side she no longer needs you, and is trying to let you down gently.
One of my adult Ds's experienced something similar with a girlfriend who lived with an alcoholic mother and grandmother, all the love and support meant nothing after he had financially and practically assisted her getting away from them, and she realised what life could be like.

Look after yourself, you deserve better

Reading your OP I took it that she does love you and value you, but it is as a brother rather than a husband and she can't admit to herself yet. I am so sorry. I think that she is in denial herself about why she is asking you to be apart.

Well PresentTense - a guy here - but I don't think there's a great deal of femimine intuition required for your story...and I think you were hoping that there is something you aren't seeing. As posters have already said, it sounds as though she is letting you down gently.
So you've been together for eight years, and what has recently changed in that time is that you've got married. It's very difficult to understand the intricacies of any relationship from the outside - the little things only you will know and see. But sometimes the complexity of the little things stops you seeing the obvious that anyone outside would pick up on. And in what you've said, I think it's quite likely that there is someone else on the scene - OR - that getting married to you has made her question whether she has done the right thing. Sexual attraction can wane, and familiarity can of course lead to a loss of spontaneity after eight years together. But your DW hasn't just honestly expressed these feelings with a desire to change things - she's moved out, you see each other once a week and for therapy which clearly isn't working. Generally when counselling points to issues that need resolving and one of you is not even trying in changing their behaviour - they are set on checking out.
I'm so sorry because you sound like a genuinely good caring supportive and helpful husband. I don't know if that is where your problems lie (by being too much of a reed in the wind when she needs you to be firm and not put up with her 'needs' to mend and finfpd herself) but it's not attracting her to you.
I'd say you need to actually stop indulging her and going along with her gradual checking out of the relationship for fear of losing her altogether. From what you've said I think your only chance is to lay your marriage on the line - you are clearly in so much pain as you try to support and understand a woman who is uncoupling from you and who knows she is causing you pain. Your statement that the separation to find herself "allows you to do the same" is the key here. You don't really mean it and you don't really feel it and you are trying to find a positive as this knife is plunged deeper. From a guy perspective (and women - feel free to correct me) there is nothing less attractive or desirable than a DH who won't stick up for his needs, but instead go along with things that are damaging, painful or detrimental. It works for her because she feels she can gain your consent and understanding - but ultimately she is turning your passivity into your downfall. She's ending things and saying don't struggle, don't fight - understand my needs, perhaps it will work out at some mythical point in the future.
So stop. Confront her about her need to extricate herself from your relationship - about what the actual f* is driving this? Is it someone else that's turned her head, is it that she's panicked and got cold feet now that you are married? Refuse to be pitied and refuse to be indulged - get some straight answers and move on. I think your only chance is to find some strength - and demonstrate it. It may not win her back, but she will at least have more respect for you than the doormat death alternative.
I'm sorry to sound harsh OP - you sound like one of the good guys - but it's not all about her and she is not going to return to a doormat. Good luck and do let us know?

She wants out

You need to look after yourself since she's only thinking of her own needs. Set a time limit on her deciding what she wants. It does sound very much like she's backing out so don't allow too much time before you let her go.

Very sad for you because it sounds as if you've been endlessly supportive and haven't been particularly well treated in return.

I totally agree with Dada, he's made very good points. You sound like a lovely person and a decent loyal husband but, I'm sorry to say a bit of a doormat for allowing her to do whatever she feels and not taking your feelings, your life into consideration. I understand she needs a bit of timeout, but for how long? Why does she need time out away from you? Why isn't she working out her own issues with you by her side.

I have been with my husband for 20 years, married for 12, I do feel down in the dumps at times, we have our ups and downs but I cannot imagine a day without him. He is my soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life. Ideally that's what you would want her to feel for you as you clearly feel this for her.

Are you really just confused? You must be hurting too. To care for her through all she has been through - to live it with her - and then to have her move out a year after you marry. It has got to be emotionally traumatic for you too.

Taking things at face value, she has been through a tough time and she may well need some space. But, she has gone about it in a very thoughtless way. My DH is estranged from his family. I have been his rock, but he is also equally devoted to me. He has never felt a need to find himself, but if he did want time out, it would be with me.

For some reason you sound quite young and I think I am right in assuming you don't have children. So, you have time on your side. Take that time for yourself too. Think about what you want out of marriage in the medium and long term. Perhaps use your couples counselling sessions to talk about this and see if it is compatible. Think about how long you are prepared to wait - and be selfish in this because this is your life to and it is important you don't have to live with the pause button pressed for an indefinite period of time. It might be that, despite loving her, your marriage is not meant to be.

She is evaluating her own life. It would be improbable to think that a life without you is not among the possible futures she is weighing up. You need to do the same. It will help prepare you if things don't work out. There are many lovely young women out there who deserve such a kind and considerate young man.

I too have been through very very difficult times, that needed thinking through and that ultimately changed me as a person to some extent. I was sometimes lonely, depressed, anxious and sad.

I did however always know that I was loved. Even if I couldn't talk to him, even if I thought he didn't understand or that he didn't listen to me, I know my husband loved me. What would I have gained by being alone? Nothing .... Unless I didn't want to be married or I had someone else.

She is not being fair or honest with you friend.

I hope I'm wrong for your sake OP as you sound lovely, but it sounds to me like she wants out and is trying to let you down gently. A man has done exactly this to me before, and it turned out he wanted out (and there was an OW too I'm afraid).

Well, I actually disagree with most posters.

We've been together ten years. I've been through 'stuff' too, and had periods where I'd wished he would move back in with his mother for a while, precisely to let me figure myself out.

Some of us who are quite independent find that we subconsciously change what we do/think/say when in a long term relationship. Not a bad thing, just a fact. I'm a deferent person when alone, in a lot of ways.

At no point did I want to split up, I just needed some breathing room to remind me of who I was underneath.

Sorry you're going through this x

I think she is "finding herself" under another bloke.

I don't necessarily think there is someone else - I say that as someone who was left for someone else and didn't see it coming at all. Not everyone wants to leave a marriage for someone else, especially where stress and depression is involved.

I'm sorry op but it sounds like she has checked out of the relationship. If she isn't sexually attracted to you anymore and has had a ton of stress on top maybe she just feels she needs some time alone to work out how she feels. It's actually not that unusual. People do break up and get back together again but ultimately I wouldn't hold a candle for her. I'd prepare for life alone and let her go and see what happens.

To go against the grain - I can benefit greatly from alone time. Does she have any underlying MH issues?

I'm sorry. I regurgitated similar psychobabble when I wanted 'out'. I really hope I'm wrong, you sound like a nice guy.

Am sorry, but what is she doing all week if she is only seeing you once a week. Is she still capable to work?
If so, she really is spinning you a line. It's away from you she wants to find herself. No problem living with her friend. I hate to say this but I think it's obvious she's planning her exit and trying to make sure she takes as little Blame as possible , " we drifted apart!" You really need to wake up. Is she avoiding meeting up with your family also. If so she really is detaching from you and your life together. I am sorry.

It sounds like she's having a bit of a wobble and is reviewing things in order to make a decision one way or the other.

I think she hasn't got anyone atm but she wants to have a look around and if she finds she cant find better she will go back to you.

Dear OP. You sound like a good, kind, considerate partner. None of us are here to demean you or put you down. But honestly I agree that you wife is withdrawing from you and the relationship.

So maybe you now need to own what you need in a relationship and state that loud and clear. Otherwise you might be giving her carte blanche to either walk away or take you for granted - either way you will be diminished and neglected. What is it you need, how will you get it? It might not be from her and at some point telling her what you what and need to thrive might re-calibrate the conversation. You cant just keep giving and accommodating - you count too. Good luck! You deserve to be happy too.

This can often be a side effect of therapy, increased self awareness means you evaluate the relationships in your life and come to see them in a different way and realise maybe they're not right for who you are now. When I trained as a therapist hey gave us a 'health warning' at the start of the course, basically saying if you choose to go down the rabbit hole/take the red pill there's no going back and a lot of you will change your loves irrevocably/get divorced etc. We were all quite sceptical but of course a lot of us did exactly that!

By all means give her space but don't wait around endlessly, at the end of the day she'll respect you less. Sometimes the biggest motivator is the threat of loss, if she thinks she might lose you it might make her want to stay. However, this could also be a knee jerk response and she'll end up leaving again anyway down the road.

Sorry to be so negative. Support her if you want to but don't put her needs before your own forever.

Hi OP. I am really sorry for what you are going through. You sound an amazing partner. I just wanted to say I can understand someone wanting time away to figure things out; some people are incredibly independent and need some alone time to figure things out, especially if it shakes up their sense of self.

However, that being said, you are her DP and I can understand this must be incredibly painful for you. I would also be worried that perhaps there are some underlying feelings that are not coming up (i.e. that she wants out of the marriage) that maybe she is not even ready to acknowledge herself, and that spending so much time apart would help these feelings along. You've mentioned wanting to take what she says at 'face - value' so I imagine you have had some of these thoughts yourself?

Additionally, her spending so much time alone with no boundaries could have a detrimental effect on your marriage.

I think that some of the other posters have suggested some good ways to strike a balance here between what you both want and actually offer what seems to me to be the best solution to saving your marriage. Yes, facilitate her having her own space, but let her know of your concerns, how much you love her and are willing to fight for the marriage and discuss / set parameters for the time away (i.e. how long it is going to go on for before a review, how often and when you will see each other, that you won't be seeing anybody else etc.) so there are clear boundaries and you do not end up feeling stung along or resentful. It also gives you a way to feel out what is going on, but also it gives you the best chance of saving your marriage. I cannot stress enough just how disordered thinking can get whilst depressed, and how important it is for your marriage that you do not let her drift away. If she is rebuilding herself, and you want to support it, that is great, but you MUST be a part of this rebuilding in a very intimate way. Perhaps you can arrange in advance to see her often outside of therapy and plan to do fun things together?

Good luck! Hope to hear good news from you in future.

My feeling reading your OP was that she was considering someone else.
She might not be having an affair, but I'd guess she's looking elsewhere.

In any case, you need to do some soul searching and decide if you really want to be with someone who's not sure of your relationship.
It doesn't sound like you have children. Did you get together very young? Have you talked about children at any point?

I really appreciate everyone who's taken the time to give constructive feedback. I will be speaking with her soon about agreeing a way to move forward. To clarify, she hasn't moved out, she's just staying with a friend for a few days to give us both some air to breath a bit. It was a mutual agreement as the pressure on both of us needed some of the air letting out of it. She's back home in a couple of days. I feel the best thing I can do at the moment is assist and support her need for space, but ask her to organise it with me constructively with a view to resuscitating the relationship long term. I will just have to see how the conversations go.

Ok, do I haven't yet read all the comments on this thread (have come to the end of p.1). But I feel I should offer a different perspective. If there are others at force here, and you have mentioned that the break down of her relationship with her father has really affected her, then it could be that she has been depressed but unable to identify this. And, yes, this might sound unfeasable to the vast majority of you. However, I can in part empathise with this. Like your wife, I had a number of external and unrelated (to my marriage) factors, intervene in my life and a tumultuous period ended in a severe bout of depression. This affected me in many more ways than I could have imagined. I don't pretend to understand the reasons for various impulses, but I felt like I was treading water just trying to take a breath. It made me think about EVERY aspect of my life. It was exhausting. And yes, I would have loved to escape my home life. Have a break from my partner and kids. But in my case this was not possible. This will be hurtful and very difficult to understand for you of course, particularly if you have been supportive, as it sounds you have been. I think you do really need to have this "courageous" conversation to address where you stand. Whilst I do think it could help to give her space, she does also need to understand that it is unfair for her to expect you to just put up with it in silence without talking about it. And she needs to show you the consideration and respect you deserve for being supportive of her. Even if that does mean simply talking and keeping the lines of communication open xxx

Excellent post by Dadaist

And just to add to my previous comment, if she is on a path of "self discovery", if she's not feeling sexual, it doesn't mean she is definitely seeing someone else. I don't want to give you false hope but sex was the last thing on my mind for a long time. As much as I loved (past) AND love (present) my husband, I couldn't look at him nor have him touch me during my darkest period. That doesn't make me a bad person. Things just became overwhelming. I do feel for you both OP. And you sound lovely for what its worth. Xxx