Husband in need of advice

[PresentTense]

Hi everyone. Am looking for some female insight please. I’ll condense this as much as possible.

My wife and I have been married for just over a year and have been together for 8 years. We’ve always had a really good relationship, full of love and understanding, and still do. However, there have been outside problems that have seeped in and have caused a problem for us.

Just before we got married, my wife’s relationship with her Dad broke down and they are now no longer in each other’s lives. My wife has a complicated relationship with her Dad and she took a lot of the emotional slack for her family when she was a teenager and young adult. After the relationship with him ended, she was very depressed and I did my best to support her through it all. The grief she felt was huge and it really hit her hard.

She sought out some therapy and worked to get over it and get herself in a better place emotionally, and again, I was fully behind this.

The thing is my wife now feels as though she needs some time alone to grow. She wants to get happy in herself. She says she loves me and I’m everything she wants in a partner, but at the moment, she feels she needs some time alone to work out who she is and how she fits into the world.

She also feels like the sexual spark she held for me has disappeared and it’s not coming back easily at the moment. She says she wants to be with me but currently doesn’t feel she can work on herself and be living together at the same time.

We’ve been in couple’s therapy and she’s been staying at a friend’s place for a few weeks to get some of her own space. We’ve been seeing each other once a week in that time, and also at therapy sessions.

At the end of the day if she needs some space to grow, I support her in this, and it allows me to do the same. We both hope that some time living in separate spaces will help us as a partnership in the long run after some personal growth. But naturally I’m really concerned for the future and what will happen with us as a couple.

I’m mainly after some female perspective on this as I try and grapple with what’s happening with us. Has anyone been through anything similar?

[rookiemere]

You're her lifeboat, if her new life doesn't work out. Wouldn't you rather be someone's first choice ?

[Lweji]

I was also wondering about the friend she is staying with, and whether she is exploring same-sex attraction with that friend

Yes...
I didn't post it, but it did cross my mind too.
Never discount the female friends.

[eddielizzard]

sounds to me like ending her relationship with her dad has made her examine the rest of her life too. plus marriage does change your view of the relationship. i know it shouldn't, but it did for me. suddenly i'd taken these vows and that was it - for the rest of my life.

i don't necessarily think there's someone else, but i do think she's realised that your marriage isn't what she wants and she is trying to let you down gently.

[tralaaa]

I think you should say to her I will wait for you to find your self but I won't wait forever. If she asks how long just shake you head and say you will just know. Then try to leave her be. If she wants to be with you she will and if she doesn't she won't . Do you think you may have smothered her when trying to be supportive. In a way don't do the pick me dance

[wotoodoo]

You do NOT want to be sending your life married to or being with someone who says they have lost the sexual spark with you; as that isn't just tied to libido, it's tied to uattractiveness.

So how (utterly) insulting.

Libido in many women waxes and wanes but attractiveness for their partner never does in a healthy relationship.

You should be in your 'honeymoon' period after just a year of marriage and at it like rabbits!

That would mean children are off the cards in your marriage for starters.

Op, even if you have put on weight, grown a beard, got sick, or even had a minor personality change from.a car crash, your partner would at least be there for you and try to help to be supportive if they truly loved you.

Put yourself first for a change op. This relationship is insulting and humiliating for you and she doesn't deserve you.

[MargaretRiver]

I was also wondering about the friend she is staying with, and whether she is exploring same-sex attraction with that friend

[WombOfOnesOwn]

I would guess your wife is a lesbian. Many people wait to come out of the closet until a parent who loomed large over their thoughts has passed away.

[thefourgp]

I've known four couples go through something similar in the past few years (three wives and one husband claiming they 'needed space') and all four had a secret romantic interest in someone else they eventually left their partner for. They all denied, denied, denied there was someone else and eventually claimed the new relationship started later than it actually did. Don't let it drag on to the stage that all your self worth and confidence evaporates. She wants out but she doesn't want to be the bad guy. Just remember that no matter what difficulties she's had in her life, it's okay for you to say that you deserve to be loved and respected. Her feelings do not always come before yours. Xx

[SherlockStones]

Penny to a pound that during this "self discovery" she has sex with someone else.

Sorry to say but this is most likely the beginning of the end of your marriage.

[onanotherday]

...oh op please don't play this game. I speak from experience I did this I even Jan exh back twice...doh. there was another ow. I stick in because of his MH...in the end all l did is upset dcs and the pain has taken years to over come as I truely believed what he was saying. Needless to say he's off with new shiny life and we're picking up the pieces. Get tough at least. Good luck

[SnowCurl]

And just to add to my previous comment, if she is on a path of "self discovery", if she's not feeling sexual, it doesn't mean she is definitely seeing someone else. I don't want to give you false hope but sex was the last thing on my mind for a long time. As much as I loved (past) AND love (present) my husband, I couldn't look at him nor have him touch me during my darkest period. That doesn't make me a bad person. Things just became overwhelming. I do feel for you both OP. And you sound lovely for what its worth. Xxx

[Cary2012]

Excellent post by Dadaist

[SnowCurl]

Ok, do I haven't yet read all the comments on this thread (have come to the end of p.1). But I feel I should offer a different perspective. If there are others at force here, and you have mentioned that the break down of her relationship with her father has really affected her, then it could be that she has been depressed but unable to identify this. And, yes, this might sound unfeasable to the vast majority of you. However, I can in part empathise with this. Like your wife, I had a number of external and unrelated (to my marriage) factors, intervene in my life and a tumultuous period ended in a severe bout of depression. This affected me in many more ways than I could have imagined. I don't pretend to understand the reasons for various impulses, but I felt like I was treading water just trying to take a breath. It made me think about EVERY aspect of my life. It was exhausting. And yes, I would have loved to escape my home life. Have a break from my partner and kids. But in my case this was not possible. This will be hurtful and very difficult to understand for you of course, particularly if you have been supportive, as it sounds you have been. I think you do really need to have this "courageous" conversation to address where you stand. Whilst I do think it could help to give her space, she does also need to understand that it is unfair for her to expect you to just put up with it in silence without talking about it. And she needs to show you the consideration and respect you deserve for being supportive of her. Even if that does mean simply talking and keeping the lines of communication open xxx

[PresentTense]

I really appreciate everyone who's taken the time to give constructive feedback. I will be speaking with her soon about agreeing a way to move forward. To clarify, she hasn't moved out, she's just staying with a friend for a few days to give us both some air to breath a bit. It was a mutual agreement as the pressure on both of us needed some of the air letting out of it. She's back home in a couple of days. I feel the best thing I can do at the moment is assist and support her need for space, but ask her to organise it with me constructively with a view to resuscitating the relationship long term. I will just have to see how the conversations go.

[Lweji]

My feeling reading your OP was that she was considering someone else.
She might not be having an affair, but I'd guess she's looking elsewhere.

In any case, you need to do some soul searching and decide if you really want to be with someone who's not sure of your relationship.
It doesn't sound like you have children. Did you get together very young? Have you talked about children at any point?

[Crazeecurlee]

Hi OP. I am really sorry for what you are going through. You sound an amazing partner. I just wanted to say I can understand someone wanting time away to figure things out; some people are incredibly independent and need some alone time to figure things out, especially if it shakes up their sense of self.

However, that being said, you are her DP and I can understand this must be incredibly painful for you. I would also be worried that perhaps there are some underlying feelings that are not coming up (i.e. that she wants out of the marriage) that maybe she is not even ready to acknowledge herself, and that spending so much time apart would help these feelings along. You've mentioned wanting to take what she says at 'face - value' so I imagine you have had some of these thoughts yourself?

Additionally, her spending so much time alone with no boundaries could have a detrimental effect on your marriage.

I think that some of the other posters have suggested some good ways to strike a balance here between what you both want and actually offer what seems to me to be the best solution to saving your marriage. Yes, facilitate her having her own space, but let her know of your concerns, how much you love her and are willing to fight for the marriage and discuss / set parameters for the time away (i.e. how long it is going to go on for before a review, how often and when you will see each other, that you won't be seeing anybody else etc.) so there are clear boundaries and you do not end up feeling stung along or resentful. It also gives you a way to feel out what is going on, but also it gives you the best chance of saving your marriage. I cannot stress enough just how disordered thinking can get whilst depressed, and how important it is for your marriage that you do not let her drift away. If she is rebuilding herself, and you want to support it, that is great, but you MUST be a part of this rebuilding in a very intimate way. Perhaps you can arrange in advance to see her often outside of therapy and plan to do fun things together?

Good luck! Hope to hear good news from you in future.

[PsychedelicSheep]

This can often be a side effect of therapy, increased self awareness means you evaluate the relationships in your life and come to see them in a different way and realise maybe they're not right for who you are now. When I trained as a therapist hey gave us a 'health warning' at the start of the course, basically saying if you choose to go down the rabbit hole/take the red pill there's no going back and a lot of you will change your loves irrevocably/get divorced etc. We were all quite sceptical but of course a lot of us did exactly that!

By all means give her space but don't wait around endlessly, at the end of the day she'll respect you less. Sometimes the biggest motivator is the threat of loss, if she thinks she might lose you it might make her want to stay. However, this could also be a knee jerk response and she'll end up leaving again anyway down the road.

Sorry to be so negative. Support her if you want to but don't put her needs before your own forever.

[garlicandsapphire]

Dear OP. You sound like a good, kind, considerate partner. None of us are here to demean you or put you down. But honestly I agree that you wife is withdrawing from you and the relationship.

So maybe you now need to own what you need in a relationship and state that loud and clear. Otherwise you might be giving her carte blanche to either walk away or take you for granted - either way you will be diminished and neglected. What is it you need, how will you get it? It might not be from her and at some point telling her what you what and need to thrive might re-calibrate the conversation. You cant just keep giving and accommodating - you count too. Good luck! You deserve to be happy too.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I think she hasn't got anyone atm but she wants to have a look around and if she finds she cant find better she will go back to you.

[Optimist3]

It sounds like she's having a bit of a wobble and is reviewing things in order to make a decision one way or the other.

[bjrce]

Am sorry, but what is she doing all week if she is only seeing you once a week. Is she still capable to work?
If so, she really is spinning you a line. It's away from you she wants to find herself. No problem living with her friend. I hate to say this but I think it's obvious she's planning her exit and trying to make sure she takes as little Blame as possible , " we drifted apart!" You really need to wake up. Is she avoiding meeting up with your family also. If so she really is detaching from you and your life together. I am sorry.

[Backt0Black]

I'm sorry. I regurgitated similar psychobabble when I wanted 'out'. I really hope I'm wrong, you sound like a nice guy.

[Albadross]

To go against the grain - I can benefit greatly from alone time. Does she have any underlying MH issues?

[Fairylea]

I don't necessarily think there is someone else - I say that as someone who was left for someone else and didn't see it coming at all. Not everyone wants to leave a marriage for someone else, especially where stress and depression is involved.

I'm sorry op but it sounds like she has checked out of the relationship. If she isn't sexually attracted to you anymore and has had a ton of stress on top maybe she just feels she needs some time alone to work out how she feels. It's actually not that unusual. People do break up and get back together again but ultimately I wouldn't hold a candle for her. I'd prepare for life alone and let her go and see what happens.

[AnyFucker]

I think she is "finding herself" under another bloke.