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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why is he sex obsessed?

88 replies

DonnaD7 · 13/10/2016 22:12

Why are men so obsessed with sex? I just don't get it!
My husband is always making suggestive comments or jokes and lately has seemed to be trying it on most nights. I know it is become worse lately because I'm going away for a week and he wants sex before I leave but it's so annoying.
He just doesn't seem to get that I've got a lot to do to get ready and my mind is on other things, plus we've had sex fairly recently.
This time of year is also irritating because he keeps suggesting "sexy" Halloween costumes for me which he knows really aren't my thing. (I've not got the body for them for a start)
It's getting unbearable, to the point that I don't even want to shower when he is in the house because I know he'll make some comment about wanting to join me. (We did it once when we first got together and it was a disaster but he won't stop suggesting we do it again.)

Sorry all,
I just need a rant.

OP posts:

timelytess · 15/10/2016 20:49

timelytess no, just no. No person should have to have sex they don't want
I'm right with you there. But sex with the person you love and want, why leave it more than three days? Daily, at least.
And if you don't love and want them, why are you there?

Cupcake5526 · 15/10/2016 21:13

My hubby is the same, we've got 2 young kids who are quiet a handful anyway and I honestly don't have the energy. He gropes, makes sexual comments constantly and would have sex every day, and when I won't he goes in a major huff and gets angry at me. Its really crap. Sorry not much help, but thought I'd share.

cheapskatemum · 15/10/2016 21:19

"Do you two ever talk about sex / the amount of sex?

Not really. He's brought it up before but seems to get huffy and defensive about everything. When it comes to sex I could take it or leave it so I've never really felt the need to talk about it."

If he's brought up the subject of sex (or lack of it, presumably) and then gets huffy and defensive, what sort of responses are you giving him? I'm not blaming either of you, but from what I've read on this thread, it sounds like the 2 of you have chronically mismatched libidos, along with an inability to communicate effectively with each other. Does your DH know that you are not that keen on him accompanying you to your hobbies?

TheStoic · 15/10/2016 22:13

If you have no intention of talking about it properly with your husband, the 'sex pestering' is only going to continue.

Until he finally understands you are genuinely not interested, and he gives up. That could take years. Or he might be almost at that stage now.

Even though that possibly sounds ideal to you now, it's really not a good sign for your relationship.

Even if you personally can 'take it or leave it', if you actually care for your husband as you say you do, you'll face the problem and talk about it for his sake, if not yours.

PickAChew · 15/10/2016 22:20

Timely, loving someone is not the same as wanting to have sex with them frequently. Neither DH nor I have a high libido but that's nothing to do with a lack of love.

And a truly loving partner would not want their SO to lie back and think of England, just so they get a regular orgasm, whether that be every 3 days (hell, even when DH and I were at the new and actualy quite horny stage, 3 days or more without was not uncommon and I'm sure we're not alone, there) or every Saturday night, or once a month.

madgingermunchkin · 15/10/2016 22:35

Even if you personally can 'take it or leave it', if you actually care for your husband as you say you do, you'll face the problem and talk about it for his sake, if not yours.

This. ^

graphista · 16/10/2016 01:16

Seems to me there are several issues

1 You don't see why it's an issue ,because you're not that fussed by sex.

There could be a lot of reasons for this, medical (more on that later), psychological (have you ever been the victim of assault or harassment?), Physical (to be blunt is he crap in bed? Are you making an effort? It does sound a bit like he's 'pumping away' and you're just lying there)

Well as I said in my earlier reply and several others have said - because sex and sexual intimacy, even the different way we kiss sexual partners is how romantic relationships are maintained!

2 poor communication - he's trying to tell you there's a lack of intimacy in your relationship yet expressing that poorly. You're not hardly saying anything to him about it at all!

3 couple things you've said make me think it's quite possible there may be a medical issue, I'm thinking hypothyroidism. Which can lead to difficulty losing weight, depression (which can lower libido), tiredness, irritability. Could also be undiagnosed pnd as you say things haven't been quite the same since you had your child 10 years ago. Couldn't hurt to have a check up at drs, it might be something as basic as anaemia!

I'd recommend you do 4 things

1 drs for some blood tests
2 read women are from Venus... or something very similar which explains a man's perspective on relationships.
3 go to relate or similar, they'll facilitate communication
4 'date night's are frowned upon in the UK for some reason but you need to do SOMETHING that's just the 2 of you, that's not sex related

graphista · 16/10/2016 01:18

As for sorting this, it's not just important for you and your husband it's important for your child too, to show a healthy relationship and to keep your family together.

timelytess · 16/10/2016 11:23

Timely, loving someone is not the same as wanting to have sex with them frequently. Neither DH nor I have a high libido but that's nothing to do with a lack of love.
That might be the case for you. All sorts make a world.

Original poster

DonnaD7 · 16/10/2016 14:12

Thanks Graphista, I'm away for the week now so will talk to him when I get home.
He's mentioned hypothyroidism to me before but I think it's more likely I give up on diets too easily or let the house get a mess which depresses me.

OP posts:

madgingermunchkin · 16/10/2016 14:42

Don't try diets. They are unsustainable and leave you feeling worse.

Try to just to eat more healthily, you can rope the whole family in.

YetAnotherGuy · 16/10/2016 21:00

Very sorry OP, but

once a month = Bye!

in my book, and I Iove my DW very much. She would probably allow me to go elsewhere if it got that bad. I can understand that you might not feel like it, but I genuinely believe that it should be recognised as a major problem if one of you is unhappy with this state of affairs

I'm Mr Average, mid 60s, been married for decades

Yes I may be a sex pest at times. I paw her inappropriately. Stare at her boobs or her bum

But as Oscar Wilde might have said, there's only one thing worse than having your DH lusting after you, and that's not having him lust after you

timelytess · 16/10/2016 21:55

timelytess Seriously!?
Definitely.

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