Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is he sex obsessed?

88 replies

DonnaD7 · 13/10/2016 22:12

Why are men so obsessed with sex? I just don't get it!
My husband is always making suggestive comments or jokes and lately has seemed to be trying it on most nights. I know it is become worse lately because I'm going away for a week and he wants sex before I leave but it's so annoying.
He just doesn't seem to get that I've got a lot to do to get ready and my mind is on other things, plus we've had sex fairly recently.
This time of year is also irritating because he keeps suggesting "sexy" Halloween costumes for me which he knows really aren't my thing. (I've not got the body for them for a start)
It's getting unbearable, to the point that I don't even want to shower when he is in the house because I know he'll make some comment about wanting to join me. (We did it once when we first got together and it was a disaster but he won't stop suggesting we do it again.)

Sorry all,
I just need a rant.

OP posts:
Original poster
DonnaD7 · 14/10/2016 00:29

Affection is OK, BeMorePanda.
My OH has just gone to bed knowing I'm going to be some time yet. His goodnight kiss lingered and his hands managed to stroke my hips and waist but I'm not sure if that was a come on or just general affection. I think he has a hard time separating the two...

OP posts:
Original poster
DonnaD7 · 14/10/2016 00:43

Thanks PaperdollCartoon. Your situation sounds so similar to ours.

We've not spoken much about it. Every now and then he'll start to talk but seems to get offended or go in a huff if I criticise him at all. It's like he takes my not wanting to have sex as a personal insult. As though it means I don't love him.
I try to be available for other, no sexual contact but sometimes, but literally, feel him getting turned on which really puts me off.
I really want to work towards a solution but I can't see what there is to do. It wouldn't be fair on either of us if we had sex when I didn't really feel like it and I don't often really feel like it. :(

OP posts:
user1471470055 · 14/10/2016 01:00

Oh dear - well if you are having sex less than once a month that is what most relationship therapists classify as in the throes of a sexless marriage. (Less than ten times a year).
Pretty obviously your DH wants to improve things and is unfortunately not as emotionally intelligent as he could be. The absolutely worst thing for your low libido OP - is an ever ready DH constantly waiting to pounce on any opportunity and desperately looking for a way in.
People saying that no one should have sex if they don't want to are absolutely right. But to think that a monogamous faithful sexual relationship can survive when one person no longer wants sex is also emotionally unintelligent just as stupid than 'sex pest' antics.
I'm afraid that unless your DH can divide himself from you, stop making things worse, concentrate on being a desirable attractive man in his own right and decide for himself whether he really wants to continue in a sexless marriage then there is only worse to come. He will feel rejected, unattractive, unappreciated and unloved and that invariably leads to moodiness, pent up anger, depression, resentment. All these things will just make him even less attractive. At the moment he's skating over these feelings by trying to make a 'joke' out of things - pitifully unaware of how desperate it looks and how repellent it makes you feel.
He has absolutely NO right to expect sex from you if you don't want to. But he has every right to desire sex in his life, in a mutual sexual relationship. It's his life, and it's hardly an unreasonable wish.
So I don't think he's 'sex obsessed' because he's a man, he's coming across as obsessed because he feels deprived, and trying to communicate (very badly)
But equally, you have the right to throw it onto him as his obsessive problem when the actual problem is you no longer find him attractive - and his pathetic attempts to change things are making it worse. I'd advise him to step back, focus on himself, get in shape, rediscover his pride and that he can be attractive and desirable without your interest in him. And then he will be free to decide whether his desire for a mutual sexual relationship is worth sacrificing to stay in a (virtually) sexless marriage. Perhaps you could help him become that better man too?

DadWasHere · 14/10/2016 04:27

As though it means I don't love him.

There are people in my life I love very much, yet I feel no desire for them at all, or they for me. I have trouble wrapping my head around it sometimes, its almost as if love and desire are two entirety separate emotions that can be either inclusive or exclusive of one another, where one cannot be traded for the other.

An intimate partner, more commonly, does not actually 'want sex', at least not in the sense of wanting it for free compared to popping down the road and buying it after lunch. Some people will do that, certainly, but more commonly what partners actually want is for sex to arise because they are personally desired.

Desire is an odd thing money cant buy and its often one of those vital things that is easily overlooked, like a heartbeat, until its no longer there (or realised it was never there) and only then does it becomes a disaster.

intheBondiBubble · 14/10/2016 05:17

I'm a sex pest too Grin
If it drops to less that 3/4 times a week I feel rejected and needy for the intimacy, I would really struggle with once a month, can you muster some enthusiasm and get creative in the bedroom maybe finding some really enjoyable aspects?
As pp have suggested he sounds like he is trying (rather clumsily) to remind you that he wants the intimacy of sex with you which is completely normal btw.
I do think that sex is important and you obviously have wildly differing libido so I would be thinking what can be done to compromise and bring more mutual satisfaction to the marriage

graphista · 14/10/2016 05:31

What user...055 said

No nobody should have sex when they really don't want to but also it IS a normal healthy part of a romantic relationship. Even Freud said something like the only abnormal sexuality is no desire at all!

It's the main big difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship, it's not just about desire, being sexually satisfied it's also about intimacy and feeling attractive to your partner. That is why several posters have thought you no longer want to be With him and to be honest lack of sexual desire towards my ex is how I knew I was no longer in love.

There also seems to be poor communication between you, he's not saying well how he feels (likely unattractive, undesirable, unloved, lonely, worried about your relationship) you're not saying how you feel (under pressure, objectified, smothered).

I'd also be interested in your age/health, could declining hormones/menopause be an issue? Other gynae issues?

Or is it resentment for other reasons, does he pull his weight? Do you feel loved, admired, respected, supported?

flapjackfairy · 14/10/2016 06:21

I do not get this argument that you should never have sex to please your partner when you are not totally up for it. I am not suggesting that you should do it at every whim of your partner but what is wrong with a bit of compromise?
After all sometimes i sit and watch a film that i am less than interested in because it pleases my dh just as sometimes he trundles round a garden centre with me because he likes to make me happy!

I thought that was the basis of a good relationship! Yet it seems that if we please our partners by meeting their sexual needs even when we are not desperate to dtd ourselves we are married to a sex pest or rapist.

P.S. please just hang fire whilst i adjust hard hat and prepare for onslaught!

PsychedelicSheep · 14/10/2016 06:26

I wouldn't be happy with once a month ether, or even once a week.

OP you mention 'not having the body' for 'sexy' outfits (neither have I!). Do you think lack of body confidence is affecting your libido? It is hard to feel sexy if you're worrying about all the lumps and bumps, it sounds as thought your partner certainly doesn't care though! It's important to own your sexuality and be comfortable in your body to feel desired, whatever it looks like.

Also, when you do have sex is it good? Does he make sure he gives you an orgasm? Do you know how your body works and what you like and dislike? If he's a two pump wonder again this would have an effect on how much you can be bothered to shag him. But it's something that can be worked on together to make sex more worthwhile and satisfying for you both.

Shannaratiger · 14/10/2016 06:29

OP my DH is just the same!
I just annoy him by ignoring himGrin

PsychedelicSheep · 14/10/2016 06:32

flapjackfairy - in a mutually respectful, non abusive relationship situation i agree with you, I guess the problem is it's hard to generalise because there are many men who don't give a shit about their partners wants and needs unfortunately. But yeah, in a 'normal' healthy relationship I agree that it shouldn't be only the higher libido partner who has to make compromises.

flapjackfairy · 14/10/2016 07:31

AbsolutelyPsychedelic some women are in relationships with sex pests , rapists ,abusive men etc and i am not suggesting that is the same situation at all. It should never be tolerated and i wasnt meaning to suggest a blanket policy . I just think that a lot of people(male and female) would be a bit obsessed with sex if they hadnt had it for a month.

TheNaze73 · 14/10/2016 07:50

He needs to make a choice here, it does sound like a sexless marriage as user said. Sex is the only differentiator between being great friends & being lovers. You need to communicate, as I can only see this coming to a tipping point. You're going to get ever more resentful of his advances & he'll just see the constant rejection & think what's the point

Gentleman99 · 14/10/2016 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Joysmum · 14/10/2016 08:08

Wtf haven't you talked to him about it?

ShatnersWig · 14/10/2016 08:10

Speak for yourself, there Gentleman. You certainly don't speak for this man.

madgingermunchkin · 14/10/2016 08:18

My ex and I went through a phase when all he did was say no to me. I took it really very personally and it started to affect my confidence. I felt like he no longer found me attractive or loved me. I would explode with frustration if I had to sleep next to the man I love every night but only had sex once a month. Especially if every time I tried to show affection he took it as me "trying it on".
For some people (men and women), physical intimacy is a way they feel connected to their partners. This is your DH's clumsy attempt at showing you he still finds you attractive and desires you. You say you don't have the body for sexy outfits; he obviously doesn't agree.

Relationships are about compromise, but at the moment, you only have sex on your terms. It doesn't sound like there's much compromising, which isn't very fair.

Gentleman99 · 14/10/2016 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PastoralCare · 14/10/2016 08:22

First a scene from a Woody Allen film: he and his wife are at therapy and are asked "how often to you do have sex?".

He: hardly ever, 3 times a week

She: constantly, 3 times a week.

When you see your DP is a pest it sounds as though he wakes up in the morning and thinks: "there are many things I could say and do, but I will explicitly chose something I'm not interested in but I know will bother her".

If this is what you really believe, then maybe you shouldn't be with him or reframe your relationship as room mates.

As people have commented above, it's more likely that you have different sex drives, neither one is trying to be a pest and neither is more in the right than the other.

You need to talk things through if you both want to be happy long term. If not, it will lead to resentment on both sides.

ShatnersWig · 14/10/2016 08:34

Gentleman Just read your other thread about about your "cow" of a mother in law and "the gf" and your general ridiculous attitude towards men and women in relationships I'm now not surprised by your two comments on this thread. You are anything but a gentleman, and I say that as a man myself.

Happybunny19 · 14/10/2016 09:40

If I was only intimate with do once a month I would definitely be a sex pest too.

As others have said wtf haven't you talked about it? If you carry on ignoring the issue and rejecting him your marriage is going to suffer. It sounds like you pull away even giving him affection just in case he gets aroused, this must be devastating him. Has your relationship always been like this?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/10/2016 10:12

Donna, I really don't think your DH, is a sex pest.
I think he is just handling his lack of affection, badly.
Your libido's seem to differ greatly, it's no ones fault.
You need to talk it through, or seek counselling.
This isn't going to go away !

Gymnopedies · 14/10/2016 10:21

I think PsychedelicSheep's first post is spot on.
Does he do his fair share of work so you aren't left exhausted and have some time for yourself?
Is he "generous" in bed and listens to what you like?

doji · 14/10/2016 10:40

I have a high sex drive, but having been in a relationship with someone that was always making crude jokes or lewd suggestions and would randomly paw at me at inappropriate moments, I have never felt less like having sex. In fact i found the idea of having sex with him completely repugnant. I'm no prude, but it's impossible to describe how much of a turnoff it is to be objectified and treated like that.

With my kind, respectful, loving DP, i now can't get enough. It also helps that he'sjust as concerned with my enjoyment as his own, unlike my ex.

Sadly I dont know how to get the former to change to the latter.

Original poster
DonnaD7 · 14/10/2016 13:33

Sorry it's been a while. Work...

User...055 Thanks for your comment. I think you've got a lot of good points. My DH does sometimes suffer from anxiety and is taking medication for it. He has been working to improve himself and has taken up a lot more athletic activities in an effort to, as he once put it, try and look sexy for me. It's sort of having the oppisite effect for me though because he's doing so well at losing weight and improving his fitness (he wasn't exactly fat to start with) but I've been at the same weight for months now and don't seem to be making any headway.

Graphista - We are both early 30s and don't have any health issues other than his anxiety, which for the most part is under control. My sex drive sort of lowered after our first child 10 years ago but his, if anything, has seemed to increase over the years.
He does more around the house than a lot of husbands do but there's always more to do. The house is a near constant state and we never seem to be able to get, let alone keep, on top of it.

Psycedelicsheep - Sex is pretty good when we have it. He's attentive and if anything goes on too long. Sometimes i'm happily finished and just staring at the ceiling and trying to hurry him along :/

Thanks to everyone else who has commented too.

Just an added note, I left a To Do list in front of the computer before going to bed last night and when I looked at it again after he'd gone to work I see he's written "Have an 'early night' ;) " on to it. Angry

OP posts:
HuskyLover1 · 14/10/2016 13:48

It's all about perspective....you said you'd had sex recently....then you said it was 2 weeks ago Confused Sex 2 weeks ago, would not feel recent to me AT ALL. And sex once a month is (to me) a dire amount.

Do you fancy him? Is there any spark? If my DH gave me a lingering kiss and caressed my hips, that would be enough to get me in to bed. I can't stress enough, that I was not like this with my ExH. So, maybe he's not the one for you?