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Original poster

Why is he sex obsessed?

88 replies

DonnaD7 · 13/10/2016 22:12

Why are men so obsessed with sex? I just don't get it!
My husband is always making suggestive comments or jokes and lately has seemed to be trying it on most nights. I know it is become worse lately because I'm going away for a week and he wants sex before I leave but it's so annoying.
He just doesn't seem to get that I've got a lot to do to get ready and my mind is on other things, plus we've had sex fairly recently.
This time of year is also irritating because he keeps suggesting "sexy" Halloween costumes for me which he knows really aren't my thing. (I've not got the body for them for a start)
It's getting unbearable, to the point that I don't even want to shower when he is in the house because I know he'll make some comment about wanting to join me. (We did it once when we first got together and it was a disaster but he won't stop suggesting we do it again.)

Sorry all,
I just need a rant.

OP posts:
HarmlessChap · 14/10/2016 14:08

If the number of times you DTD is close to single figures a year then he's hardly obsessed or he would have left you by now.

I'm in a similar relationship albeit 10 years older/further on and it is basically causing me huge self esteem issues as I feel constantly rejected, undesired and undesirable.

Mysterycat23 · 14/10/2016 14:13

OP you said you enjoy sex when it does happen. Is it a mismatch of length of time or time of day rather than not wanting to at all? Could the both of you not do massages or foreplay together at a time that suits you ? I think it's pretty normal for a woman not to get instantly turned on, particularly in a LTR when the newness has worn off, from my experience quite often I need a little bit of time and attention to get in to the mood.

PsychedelicSheep · 14/10/2016 14:43

The being slow to finish, has that always been the case or only since he started taking meds? Technically there aren't really any 'anti anxiety' mess except for benzodiazepines (and maybe propranolol), but these aren't supposed to be for daily use. Mostly medications prescribed for anxiety are anti depressants, which notoriously cause anorgasmia. Do you know what it is he takes? Has he sought any therapy for his anxiety? Meds shouldn't really be the only answer.

I could be barking up the wrong tree of course. It's just that if it didn't go on so long you might be more inclined to start!

boredstiffkent · 14/10/2016 16:22

What HuskyLover1 said..........

I avoided my ex like the plague........we didn't DTD for a whole year once....

With my DH of 6 years, we DTD 4/5 times a week.....

Quite clearly I love sex, just not with my ex Sad

adora1 · 14/10/2016 16:32

Sex once a month for a couple who only want it then is fine, I don't get all these posts saying it's not enough, says who? If it's mutually agreeable then when you have sex is up to the couple, even if it's once every 3 months, the timescale doesn't matter, it's not just sex that distinguishes a relationship from being just friends, you also have companionship, sexual innuendos, flirting, affectionate cuddles etc, it's not just about dtd.

But, the OPs OH obviously wants it more than her, that's the issue, and yes compromise seems to be the key, I hate reading about women lying back whilst he hurries up, how bloody awful and where is the mutual enjoyment in that; don't have sex just to please your partner but yes, I do think a bit of effort can make all the difference but you both have to be enjoying it.

HermioneJeanGranger · 14/10/2016 16:35

I can really see both sides.

For me, sex once a month would not be enough (barring illness, small DC and pregnancy). As a one-off, sure, it happens, but I think if we reguarly went a month without sex, I would start to feel pretty unnatractive and unloved.

But I've also been in relationships where sex was the last thing on my mind, and the more my partner mentioned it, the less I wanted it. BUT there was a reason for it - things weren't good between us emotionally and the lack of sex reflected it.

How are things between you otherwise?

adora1 · 14/10/2016 16:42

Good point, you can't have good sex with any partner unless you feel content and satisfied with them, any resentment or anger will soon kill any libido.

Original poster
DonnaD7 · 14/10/2016 18:52

It is an antidepressant he's taking. Citalopram. Him being slow to finish doesn't always happen. Just sometimes.
I think his anxiety is getting a lot better. Last year he had a hard time and was getting very worried about our relationship but that seems to be fine now. I honestly don't think I could deal emotionally if he did have another wobble though.

I'm attracted to him more than I am to anyone else. I've never looked at him or anyone gone, "Oh, they're sexy". If I ever do think about sex it is always with him. We both used to joke about a threesome but, honestly, now the idea sort of turns my stomach.

We're OK otherwise. We're not as connected as we used to be. Not saying we're drifting apart but we each have our own hobbies and neither of us are interested in the other's. He did try to come along to a few of my things and claimed he had fun but I know he didn't really and, I don't want to sound awful, but it was always better without him here because I can just be me and not have to worry about him being bored.

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 14/10/2016 19:04

It doesn't sound as though you like him very much Sad

madgingermunchkin · 14/10/2016 19:16

It actually sounds like you tolerate him as a roommate. Not even a friend, let alone a partner.

Maybe he's realised how distant you are and is trying to make an effort, just not in the "right" way.

PsychedelicSheep · 14/10/2016 19:31

It doesn't sound as though he's very secure in your relationship 😕 which is possibly the source of his anxiety? I don't know how much the lack of sex is maintaining the insecurity but I imagine quite a bit.

TBH if this was a bloke rejecting his partner sexually constantly and making her anxious and insecure I think the general responses would be in the way of him going to the docs for hormone checks, or psychosexual therapy, or exercising more, basically trying things to improve the situation in some way for them.

Have you considered trying to see if you can increase your libido? Or, do you feel like the marriage has just gone stale?

user1474217141 · 14/10/2016 19:43

That sounds awful, it's so unreasonable that he's attracted to you.

Stevefromstevenage · 14/10/2016 20:12

This is a toughie. We have gone through fits of this in our relationship. DH absolutely pulls his weight and we are very much 50/50 so I cannot ascribe it to that.

2 things helped to move us past that phase. 1. I told him that he could never, ever expect sex from the everyday intimate encounters. So that meant we could do those all the time without me second guessing his motivations. The increase in everyday intimacy is lovely. Plus also I gave him very clear guidance on what constitutes being a teeny bit sleazy versus what constitutes being complementary. Mind you I am capable of being a bit sleazy with him and he doesn't mind. His extremely cute ass is never safe from a grope if he is standing in front of me. But he likes that, I don't.

Finally I was like you I enjoyed sex when it was happening so I decided to push myself outside of my comfort zone and have sex when I could have left it. Actually counter intuitively I found the more I have the more I want.

cheapskatemum · 14/10/2016 21:39

Following with interest as this describes my friends' marriage. I can see both sides and it's very tricky. I think user1471's advice is balanced and useful.

Original poster
DonnaD7 · 14/10/2016 22:06

Hi Hermione and MadGingerMunchkin,
I really love my husband so much. He's a wonderful partner and father and it its only really these few issues that we have between us.

User147... Thanks for your input.

Stevefromstevenage that sounds like a great idea and I might have to try it. He already knows, or at least should realise, that we aren't going to have sex during the day. He knows I'm a lights off sort of girl Blush So I don't think that is a problem. Whether he thinks this protracted foreplay will get me in the mood for activities later, I don't know.

OP posts:
cheapskatemum · 14/10/2016 22:49

Are you now going to ask him?

Original poster
DonnaD7 · 14/10/2016 23:51

I'm thinking about it. I'm really worried that he's going to take it personally and act as though it's because I don't love him.
I really don't want to leave him in a state and spend the whole time worrying that he's miserable.

OP posts:
Dadaist · 15/10/2016 00:47

I really don't think you need to put him on the defensive in talking about things. If he thinks that you are wanting to rediscover sexual desire I'm sure he will want to listen to every word. The affection without escalation to sex is a really important first step. Then perhaps agree to try moving to sleeping naked and feeling comfortable again, without moving to DTD. Keep talking and exploring. From where you started you sounded as if you were pretty repulsed by your DH and most posters saw that as a total relationship death red flag- and that you were wanting him to just leave you alone and expect everything else to continue. From what you have said since it sounds as though you may have some body confidence issues, that you stil love him and want to be with him, but that you've got into a vicious circle in which he advances, you retreat, he tries harder and you feel desperate to get away… so yes, he needs to step back and look at non-sexual connection and intimacy as a first step to improvement. But you also need to advance from being left alone to seeking some mutual physical connection and intimacy. I hope it works out, and that you can readjust your thinking so that it's not just about his rather pathetic behaviour and endless suggestive innuendo - but the dynamic between you and your role in having stopped feeling any desire for him and how that is as important as your initial complaint about his behaviour - which is a symptom of what's happening (and not happening) in your relationship. But you do have to address this, and soon. Good luck!

TheStoic · 15/10/2016 02:41

Hi Hermione and MadGingerMunchkin,
I really love my husband so much. He's a wonderful partner and father and it its only really these few issues that we have between us

That comment is different to literally everything else you've said about your husband. So much so that it doesn't ring true at all. I can understand you want to believe it, though.

You don't want to have sex with him. You see him as a sex pest. He annoys you when he's around your 'hobbies'. You are frustrated when he's anxious about your relationship.

Even your reluctance to talk to him about it is about you, because you don't want to have to 'worry about him'.

I agree with other posters. You don't like him, and he knows it.

Dadaist · 15/10/2016 11:15

I actually agree with TheStoic too - my advice still applies, depending on the important question posed here: the heart of the question is your feelings toward him - not his behaviour toward you. What do you think OP?

Original poster
DonnaD7 · 15/10/2016 17:06

Thestoic it is true that there are there are things about my husband that I don't like, just as there are things about me he would probably change. But we're human and different people.
I do love him and I do love being with him but I don't want him to go to things he does really like just because he want to spend time with me.
I also don't think it is unreasonable to not want to be the subject of constant sexual "joking" or be expected to put off what I planning to do because he is Hornby.

Dadaist thanks for your comment. You're right about my tone changing and I admit that my first post was while I was feeling particularly annoyed about things. I do have issues myself and maybe if I did look and feel like I did when we were first together I'd be happier to act that way but he doesn't understand that and expects things to be like they were back then.
We do have a kisses and cuddles that don't lead to sex and, honestly, I'm satisfied with that.

OP posts:
RainbowBriteRules · 15/10/2016 19:03

Do you two ever talk about sex / the amount of sex?

Original poster
DonnaD7 · 15/10/2016 20:02

Do you two ever talk about sex / the amount of sex?

Not really. He's brought it up before but seems to get huffy and defensive about everything. When it comes to sex I could take it or leave it so I've never really felt the need to talk about it.

OP posts:
RainbowBriteRules · 15/10/2016 20:03

Just wondering if it might diffuse things a bit? It might not of course

madgingermunchkin · 15/10/2016 20:20

Well you obviously need to talk about it. It's causing a massive issue in your relationship.

Just because you can "take it or leave it" doesn't mean you can ignore the giant elephant in the room. You need to compromise. The only way to do that is by talking.