No intimacy after 1st child and pain during sex

[privatedad1]

Hi,

As you probably guessed I am not Mum, but I am Dad. I have been with my wife for 12 years and married 5. We have a 2 year old (27 months). My wife - much to my disappointment has never had a good libido and we were generally intimate once a month before we had our daughter. We had a very difficult pregnancy and she had an even worse birth. LO was born blue and required resuscitation. She did have episiotomy...
We were not intimate until 11 months after LO and my wife was clearly uncomfortable and said sex felt very different. Since that we have been intimate probably 5 times. She suffers pain everytime even with plenty of WB lubricant, seeing her in pain obviously puts me off as I don't want to hurt her. She then suffers what she thought was thrush after each intercourse so has been to GP, I paid for her to see a private consultant to mention this and the pain. He said she was suffering BV and that this might be cause of pain. After being treated on the one occasion we were intimate she was in pain again. Doctor has now referred her to gynae again. We last had sex about 2 months ago and I said to her I think we should try again with her in charge to see if see can control angles & pain, she just got very upset and said she feels like she's a failure. What do I do? A man has needs.... and I've said even though she wants more children I am not just having sex with her for purely that reason as our relationship isn't as good as it has been and we need to work on that first. But having sex only 5-7 times since we conceived 35 months ago is killing me.

OP, you married a woman who already had a very low libido. Surely you didn't expect it to improve after having children?

You need to face facts: you may well never have sex with your wife again. (I'd suggest non-penetrative sex as PPs have done, but since she disliked sex in the first place this seems pretty pointless.)

So first of all, support her through the medical tests and possible treatments.

I'm assuming you were okay with only having sex once a month prior to kids. Are you going to be content with that forever, or were you already seeking other outlets?

I suppose what I'm saying is do you want to stay in this marriage in which it seems you'll always have less sex than you want. Do you look to split up, or do you look to open the relationship - whether with full disclosure or on a "don't ask don't tell" basis.

Only you and your wife can decide these things.

Unfortunately MN tends to be a bit sex negative IME and you will not find much understanding here that sex in a relationship is a need, yes - just like compassion, love, teamwork and respect.

OP you are getting a proper good old fashioned MN style beating up aren't you ! Some of the women on here are hostile and bitter and yes I agree, they do come across as man haters, or as you've been 'told off' about using that term perhaps use 'misandrist' next time !

Sex and intimacy is extremely important in a relationship and I applaud you for being brave enough to broach it here. Sadly MN has become a place where some people relish the opportunity to belligerently jump all over men (and women) who have different opinions to their own. Yes some of your wording was clumsy but anyone with half a brain cell can get past that and glean that essentially what you are trying to achieve is to improve your relationship.

Hopefully some of the more sensible, measured and calm posters have helped with their v sage advice.

Good luck

sex in a relationship is a need, yes - just like compassion, love, teamwork and respect

Sex is a little different to the other things on this list. On the whole it takes no more than effort to provide compassion, love, teamwork and respect. But it takes more than that to be able to engage in sex. OP's wife is not withholding sex because she is a bitch; she is currently unable to have sex with him. If OP wants to leave because he wants a partner who is able to have sex with him right now, that's his decision, nothing to do with his wife.

Also note that having a low libido does not equal not liking sex. It means not wanting a lot of sex. Only the OP's wife knows how much she enjoys sex, and even she may not know how much she might potentially enjoy sex, e.g. with a different partner or in different circumstances.

....'hostile and bitter' women? Possibly. There's a fair number of apologists here, certainly..

I am always astounded at threads like this. Are there really so many couples that don't have sex? How utterly grim. I am a woman, and if I'd only had sex 5 times in 3 years, I would be climbing the walls. And yes, I have had children.

The Op came on here for advice, thinking that perhaps other women had suffered the same condition as his wife, and could offer helpful advice, and all he got was (mainly) a bashing from women with low/no sex drives. He isn't running off and shagging OW, he's trying to get his sexual relationship with his wife back on track. Hardly the crime of the century.

Op, you seem to be going down the right channels, seeing a professional. I think it's just going to take time. However, if your wife only wanted sex once a month before giving birth, I suspect it's never going to get any better than that....can you live like that forever? I know I couldn't.

Sex doesn't have to be penetrative. What about oral sex? Maybe you could discuss that with your wife. Would you be happy if she touched and was intimate with you in that way instead?

Taking penetrative sex (which is painful for her) off the table until the medical problems are explored and hopefully resolved may help her feel a lot more sexy and a lot more interested in being intimate in other ways (which don't need to leave you unsatisfied unless you have a very narrow and in my opinion unreasonable definition of sex). Being in pain is unbelievably unsexy. Try jabbing a razor blade into your private parts every time you get aroused - then see how sexy you feel.

He's already stated in a previous post that the last time they were sexually intimate, he was happy not to attempt PIV sex, but that she pushed for it.

So to all those telling him that it doesn't have to be PIV, how do you advise him to proceed with that, if he's not the one pushing for it?

I had similar problems after my DC. After the first DC we could not have penetrative sex for about 14 months and it got worse with the second DC when it took us two years to have penetrative sex again. Both births were ELCS and my gynaecologist kept saying the pain was psychological in origin. I can assure you it was not. I was attracted to my DH, wanted to have sex but penetration felt like a ring of fire and was impossible to achieve.

To cut a long story short, after numerous visits of looking at me doe--eyed my gynaecologist finally came out with the idea that this may be a side-effect of the contraceptive pill I was on. I had stopped the pill at 14 months after the birth of DC1 to try for DC2 but hadn't clocked the link at the time. Two weeks after I stopped the pill I could have penetrative sex again. I have also read on the internet that breastfeeding can reduce oestrogen which leads to vaginal dryness so this may have been exacerbating my problems.

It is a huge issue that affects both people and the quality of the relationship. If you can afford a private appointment ask your wife if she would be willing to see a gynaecologist who specialises in sexual dysfunction. There may well be an underlying physical cause to the problem which can be resolved if correctly treated.

By talking to his wife and convincing her that he really doesn't need penetrative sex and that he would rather just do something they both can enjoy. She probably feels under pressure to have PIV sex (it's clear from the first post that he feels this situation is 'killing him')

He doesn't have to lie - he can say that once the medical issues are resolved and she is feeling happier of course they can try again that way, but until then he wants them both to still be able to be intimate in a way which won't make her cry or feel scared (scared of failing or disappointing him & scared of the pain and/or infections).

Another factor here may be that she wants more children - but even this is possible without PIV sex. Even suggesting assisted conception will probably make her relax and that her needs are really being considered. I don't know what the situation here is - how urgent it is to have more children if you want to - but if she is older she is probably feeling pressure from this side of things too.

Privatedad i have to say that your posts have not come across to me as being all about you and your needs at all if that helps!
I also think you have to look at non penatrative forms of sex whilst the medical profession (hopefully) find a way to help your wife.

I hope you and your wife find the help you need. Good luck.

Okay, OP, this isn't coming across very well but I do feel slightly sorry for you, mainly because it doesn't seem to have occurred to you that not everyone would find it obvious that 'a man has needs', or that the life experiences of some women - particularly where childbirth is concerned - would lead them to feel that this particular wording implies that it is your wife's role to service your 'needs' irrespective of her own physical pain. But you do know this now. If you really want to sort things with your wife, what you need to do is to let her know that sex can take place or not take place, and you will love her and support her either way. You need to let things happen at her pace, not yours. You need to provide love and affection and see this as intimacy, because I am fairly sure that her idea of intimacy is broader than just sex.

If you can't do all this, there's nothing down for this relationship, because you will only succeed in driving her away.