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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No intimacy after 1st child and pain during sex

86 replies

privatedad1 · 12/10/2016 22:59

Hi,

As you probably guessed I am not Mum, but I am Dad. I have been with my wife for 12 years and married 5. We have a 2 year old (27 months). My wife - much to my disappointment has never had a good libido and we were generally intimate once a month before we had our daughter. We had a very difficult pregnancy and she had an even worse birth. LO was born blue and required resuscitation. She did have episiotomy...
We were not intimate until 11 months after LO and my wife was clearly uncomfortable and said sex felt very different. Since that we have been intimate probably 5 times. She suffers pain everytime even with plenty of WB lubricant, seeing her in pain obviously puts me off as I don't want to hurt her. She then suffers what she thought was thrush after each intercourse so has been to GP, I paid for her to see a private consultant to mention this and the pain. He said she was suffering BV and that this might be cause of pain. After being treated on the one occasion we were intimate she was in pain again. Doctor has now referred her to gynae again. We last had sex about 2 months ago and I said to her I think we should try again with her in charge to see if see can control angles & pain, she just got very upset and said she feels like she's a failure. What do I do? A man has needs.... and I've said even though she wants more children I am not just having sex with her for purely that reason as our relationship isn't as good as it has been and we need to work on that first. But having sex only 5-7 times since we conceived 35 months ago is killing me.

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 12/10/2016 23:45

Seeing as we're talking about 'needs' your wife needs for you not to suggest you try sex again. She needs to heal. She needs genuine love and intimacy, not the kind that hurts her and makes her feel a failure. She needs a partner who can accept that she may never have PIV sex again because delivering his child injured her so much.

NameChange30 · 12/10/2016 23:45

What do want for that, a fucking medal?!

You're not going to get any sympathy for calling anyone a "man hater" on here.

NameChange30 · 12/10/2016 23:46

Cross posts, my last post was obviously in reply to the OP!

TheSparrowhawk · 12/10/2016 23:51

You call putting your penis into a woman who is in pain 'getting lucky????' WTF??

Obsidian77 · 12/10/2016 23:51

Since I was in the middle of writing a long post, with the sincere intention of helping you, I didn't see your frankly unpleasant later points.
"Man hater"... jeez
and you are far "luckier" than you deserve.
I would have divorced DH if he behaved like you are doing. Thankfully he's a grown-up and a decent man.
Might I suggest you speak to a counsellor too? If you lash out at people like this you may benefit from it.

Original poster
privatedad1 · 12/10/2016 23:52

Another Emma,
Thanks for the advice
Pregnancy was difficult for us as we were told our child was disabled.
They offered to confirm this by carrying out certain tests that risked miscarriage.
I paid privately for a test that didn't risk miscarriage and had a long wait for results and were advised we had to have a decision ready re; termination. So yes the pregnancy was difficult for both of us.

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 12/10/2016 23:53

To reiterate, you did not ask how to help her, you asked 'what do I do?' which is not the same thing. Your OP is about your needs and how bad the lack of sex is for you.

NameChange30 · 12/10/2016 23:54

"I paid" again
Interesting

So do you think the pregnancy was equally difficult for both of you?

TheSparrowhawk · 12/10/2016 23:55

I notice that you said you paid for the gynaecologist and you paid for the test. Do you and your wife not share your money?

Original poster
privatedad1 · 12/10/2016 23:56

It may sound cold but it's KILLING ME as it's having a huge impact on my wife, how can I portray any further that it's not about me but her and our relationship.

OP posts:
SuckingEggs · 12/10/2016 23:57

I feel sorry for her.

Do you have any idea of how she feels? I bet it's killing her, too, cos she sure as hell can't be happy!

TheSparrowhawk · 12/10/2016 23:58

You said 'having sex only 5-7 times since we conceived 35 months ago is killing me' there is no mention of your wife or the impact on her.

NameChange30 · 12/10/2016 23:58

Bit of backtracking going on
"Oh but when I said I have needs I really meant how can I meet her needs"
"Oh but when I said it's killing me I really meant how can I help my wife"

NameChange30 · 12/10/2016 23:58

Oh dear, italics fail!

SuckingEggs · 12/10/2016 23:58

What exactly is upsetting you? Lack of sex? Or that she feels pain?

TheSparrowhawk · 13/10/2016 00:01

And you very clearly said 'a MAN has needs.' Unless your wife is a man, or you consider your relationship to be a man, you were very definitely talking about yourself.

SuckingEggs · 13/10/2016 00:04

And you've also mentioned your "disappointment" at your wife's lack of libido...

She's not thick; she'll know you feel that way. It's not an aphrodisiac, seriously.

TheSparrowhawk · 13/10/2016 00:07

BTW that tactic of saying something then trying to convince people you said something completely different is called gaslighting (look it up). It's a tactic commonly used by abusers to make their victim feel uncertain and wrong footed. Here's the kicker for you though : it doesn't work when you write things down

Original poster
privatedad1 · 13/10/2016 00:49

So basically I'm a t**t, who should just divorce my wife. Thanks for your help ladies. I'm sure that's what will please her, would do just wonders for her emotionally.... can't believe I didn't just think of that on my own. Should have known better than to ask for advice.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 13/10/2016 00:52

Yep that's exactly what we all said Hmm
I hope you're better at listening to your wife!

Obsidian77 · 13/10/2016 01:08

I didn't say you should divorce your wife, nor that you're a twat.
By any chance do you have a younger replacement in mind, since your disappointing sex life is KILLING you?
I wonder if you want a handy crib sheet of things you can say you tried, but unfortunately your wife just couldn't service your needs.
Since the consensus is that you need to be less selfish and your wife needs emotional support I don't see why anyone who genuinely wanted to help his wife would be so huffy instead of you know, like, listening?

crazydaisies · 13/10/2016 01:24

Come on girls, let's try to help this chap. OP, I think there's a fair bit of late-night-after-a-glass messages going on here.
It's difficult getting a post to read exactly as one intends. I'm a little sleepy too right now so this might sound a bit of a ramble:
I agree with the post that you should say to your wife 'it wouldn't matter if we never had sex again... I will always love you... I only want what's best for you...' etc. Those kind of things will help her relax and perhaps take the psychological pressure off if there is one. And yes, plenty of non-sexual intimacy. Has she suggested herself that she should get further help about this? Is she just knackered? Maybe she feels like her body and sense of personal space and 'me-time' is limited, with demands from a young child and then husband too. I, personally, find that I'm more up for dtd after having a chat about any elephant in the room is sorted (my dh refer to 'elephants in the room' as 'Barbar' or 'Dumbo- helps to break the ice sometimes in delicate situations Smile).

EBearhug · 13/10/2016 02:21

You do not have needs, you have desires. Needs are for air, water, food and shelter. Living without sex does not kill anyone, not even you, despite what you say.

I agree that relationships have needs, but that still doesn't mean it's all about sex. Do you ever show her love and affection without creating an expectation that it could lead to sex? If you go on about men having needs in the way you have in this thread, I suspect you are creating implicit expectations, whatever you may say out loud. That will be off-putting.

Do you really listen to her? Judging by the way you've responded on this thread, I think listening may not be your strongest suit. Do you know what active listening is? It might be worth trying.

Were you expecting a load of posts telling you how wonderful you are to be thinking about your wife? I think you've had quite a bit of advice, but it's just not what you wanted to hear.

Applesauce29 · 13/10/2016 02:26

I had similar issues after a difficult (physically and emotionally traumatic birth). Needed steroid injections into scar tissue to stop it hurting. Sex wasn't enjoyable until around six months after. I hated when my husband pressurised me for sex during this recovery time - we argued a lot and I really questioned whether we should get divorced due to his lack of compassion. What helped was removing full sex off the table for a few months and focusing on intimacy - hugs etc that you know don't have to lead anywhere, and date nights away from baby.

Get your wife to see GP for referral to gynaecologist and woman's health physiotherapist.

Secretsandlies222 · 13/10/2016 06:17

What unnecessarily unpleasant responses (some of them, anyway). So the OP has used some terminology that may not be the best but look at the sentiments behind it. The fact that he has expressed concern for his sexual needs (and I do consider it a need ) does not mean that he's claiming that the relationship is all about sex or that he doesn't care about his wife. I know that personally, I would struggle without intimacy for that long. That others may not be that bothered about sex doesn't mean that he's in the wrong. Such a binary judgement of him really is unhelpful.