No intimacy after 1st child and pain during sex

[privatedad1]

Hi,

As you probably guessed I am not Mum, but I am Dad. I have been with my wife for 12 years and married 5. We have a 2 year old (27 months). My wife - much to my disappointment has never had a good libido and we were generally intimate once a month before we had our daughter. We had a very difficult pregnancy and she had an even worse birth. LO was born blue and required resuscitation. She did have episiotomy...
We were not intimate until 11 months after LO and my wife was clearly uncomfortable and said sex felt very different. Since that we have been intimate probably 5 times. She suffers pain everytime even with plenty of WB lubricant, seeing her in pain obviously puts me off as I don't want to hurt her. She then suffers what she thought was thrush after each intercourse so has been to GP, I paid for her to see a private consultant to mention this and the pain. He said she was suffering BV and that this might be cause of pain. After being treated on the one occasion we were intimate she was in pain again. Doctor has now referred her to gynae again. We last had sex about 2 months ago and I said to her I think we should try again with her in charge to see if see can control angles & pain, she just got very upset and said she feels like she's a failure. What do I do? A man has needs.... and I've said even though she wants more children I am not just having sex with her for purely that reason as our relationship isn't as good as it has been and we need to work on that first. But having sex only 5-7 times since we conceived 35 months ago is killing me.

Very helpful crazydaisies - if women say something a man doesn't want to hear it must be because they're drunk?
op has made it clear he doesn't want the advice people have offered. I'm taking him at his word and leaving him to it.

OP clearly wanted us all to say that his DW is being unreasonable and that he would be justified in divorcing her. We didn't so now we are being unreasonable manhaters.

"A man has needs" ODFOD

Just hide the thread OP some posters have made a decision about you and will never change the opinions, only use everything you say to confirm it.

I cannot believe the bashing the OP is getting.
He is here, on MN ffs, asking women for advice. Surely that shows that however badly his OP was worded, he's come to the place where other women have probably suffered similar issues to his wife, and so are the best placed people to help him help his wife ?

Who cares who pairs for a private gynae visit? Or a less invasive test? Maybe she asked him to? Not every man is an abuser.

And I understand the "needs" bit. I need physical intimacy from my partner as that is how I feel close and connected to them. I know for a fact that (in my relationships) there are more arguments when there is less sex. And I'm a woman.

Munchkin, you haven't actually given the OP any advice. What should he do about this situation that's killing him, in your opinion?

The best way to get her wanting sex again is to take it completely off the picture. So cuddles but no sex.

Is it only PIV that hurts? If so, when her desire comes back and she starts initiating things, you can try to make her orgasm without PIV.

But yes, you do come accross as selfish, unable to listen and trying to gaslight people. This doesn't bode well.

crazy
"Come on girls, let's try to help this chap. OP, I think there's a fair bit of late-night-after-a-glass messages going on here."

How unbelievably patronising. Firstly, I'm not a "girl" (I doubt any of us are) and secondly, I wasn't drinking alcohol.
But any "girl" who dares challenge a rude man must be drunk, right?!

Think you have a point OP but, have worded it poorly. Sex 5-7 times in 3 years really is not right in a loving relationship. Think you should explore all options avaliable medically to help her. If she's unwilling, you're faced with two choices. A sexless frustrating marriage or to get on with the rest of your life without her.

Naze, have you also worded your post poorly?

There's another choice: to make the most of what you can do together sexually - maybe change some of your ideas about what you "need" to do in bed - and also wait and see if things get better over time and your wife can enjoy PIV sex in future. That option might also involve you learning new ways of getting her in the mood, turning her on and helping her enjoy herself.

Don't forget this is not just a physical problem but also a mental one. Your wife has been traumatised by her experiences of pain and does not associate PIV sex with anything enjoyable. Both of you need to learn how to make sex enjoyable again. (Or in her case maybe even for the first time?)

As an example, maybe your wife would feel sexy if she felt in control of her life. If she had either a satisfying job or a satisfying social life, had a body she felt happy with (e.g. had the time to go to the gym or get her hair cut), or felt like a highly appreciated wife and/or mum. Those kind of things make you feel sexy in my experience.

That doesn't mean that you should give her a gym membership for Christmas, though, or tell her to get a job so she can feel sexy and you can have sex. It means, for example, that you might make sure you get home from work on time every day so that she knows she can rely on you and make plans to go out if she wants. Or that you might say "Go out and enjoy yourself with your friends: you deserve it. I love to see you happy".

If you haven't done so already, I'd also (always) suggest seeing a therapist. They might be able to help you see sex in a new light - e.g. suggesting that you forget penetration altogether now and try something more imaginative - and understand your wife's point of view better. She is probably confused by the situation herself and could do with some help unravelling it.

This poor woman does not sound remotely "unwilling" to explore medical solutions to her physical problems. She has already undertaken unpleasant and invasive examinations and tests and likely to experience many more by seeing a specialist.

OP, I agree with the PPs saying you need to take penetrative sex completely off the agenda, and tell your wife so, until she is healed physically and mentally. Find other ways to be intimate for your relationship and for the pleasure that it brings both of you.

I had a straightforward pregnancy and birth with DC1, and yet sex is still painful three years later. I don't know why. GPs are incredibly unhelpful, it's a very difficult topic to discuss and they have all been dismissive of my concerns. So far I've been unable to get help and we have therefore had PIV sex twice in three years (to conceive DC2, needs must). It doesn't mean we're not close and it doesn't mean we're not intimate. If DH was moaning to me (or to anonymous strangers) about his "needs" I would lose a lot of respect for him, as they are wants not needs. No one has ever died for lack of sex.

Also, for what it's worth, I am the sole breadwinner in our family and I would NEVER say "I paid for...". It completely dismisses DH's contribution to the family - him working at home to look after DC1 means I can be out of the house earning what I do. It's OUR money, and WE pay for things. He would be very hurt and feel rightly threatened if I described it as my money.

It's quite likely I (female) will never have PIV sex ever again. I can count on two hands the amount of times we've had sex in the last FOUR years due to damage during childbirth and subsequent surgery.

We have a very happy marriage, pain aside. We realised there was more to life. DH hasn't expired due to lack of sex .

You may feel different. But then I would question your commitment towards in sickness and in health.

Having never been through birth, I'm not sure I could offer valid advice on how to move forward from here.

Although he did state in a subsequent post that the last time they tried it was his wife that pushed towards trying sex, not him.

I just think that maybe the guy could be given the benefit of the doubt (innocent until proven guilty no?) about how he has worded things, and given support, so that he can help his wife.

AnotherEmma and Obsidian
Ok. I'm sorry I suggested the wine thing and sorry I called you a 'girl' (figure of speech). I just wanted to give the OP some compassion rather than rant at how he is being so selfish like a lot of you are. But go ahead and analyse every detail. I've got better things to do. Geez.

If you love your wife, then please take Ifounddory's advice.

Your wife is in pain; she needs your support and comfort, but clearly does not need you poking at the source of the pain. You have said you do not want to cause her pain. You need to stand back and put the control into her hands. She is the one in pain so she must say what and when is possible for her.

In the meantime she needs the best possible medical advice and care, and she also needs your physical care in the form of hugs and compliments and encouragement.

If the situation were reversed I am sure she simply show her affection and encourage the proper medical treatment. That is what you must do.

I realise that it is very hard for men to understand how delicate vulval tissues are but please just love her - that is the way forward.

That sounds really difficult for both of you OP. I haven't read the whole thread as some of the replies pissed me right off. Sex is a very important part of a relationship imo and I don't think you are being selfish in asking how to improve things.

I had a bad birth with my first and found sex very painful afterwards. It took nearly a year to physically recover and DH just had to be patient and keep helping me try. I think the worst part is the anticipation of pain which made me tense up which made it even worse. Plus the anticipation of pain reduced..em..natural lubrication. Things got back to normal (and then some) after the first year.

I agree with PPs re increasing intimacy without sex to help your wife relax more and reconnect with you. Your wife probably also needs a GP referral to see a specialist. I know that isn't anything that other posters haven't said already but I didn't want to read and run.

This is a difficult one. I'm not sure that sex is a vital ingredient in a relationship so long as its mutual, obviously that's not the case here.

What sort of pain does she have, is it deeper in the pelvis or only around the vagina? I know someone who spent years suffering and seeing gynaecologists for pain during intercourse and periods, to later find it was actually her bladder.

I agree with other posters who suggest for now concentrate on a different level of intimacy, do romantic things without expecting anything, and when you are intimate then just do other stuff.

Bit confused with the BV, didn't think that caused pain but I maybe wrong.

I don't intend to scary you op but you would have to consider another option
Your wife maybe NEVER be able to be the woman who she was before

Yet another man putting his 'needs' NEEDS? before his partners. OP,you will not explode. You have a child to raise, a partner to support. Get on with it.

There are other things you can do other than piv to increase your intimacy. Work on that. It's not unusual for sex to be uncomfortable for a year or so post baby - always worth a physical check with the doctor, but a lot is mental and time spent doing other things with 0 pressure really can help.

If you have needs, deal with them, but don't stress your wife about it!

...and as someone said up thread, just because society is pressurising women to have sex after children- in fact every moment - its not necessary or required. Placatory sympathetic handmaidens take note please. your perpetuating mens abuse.

I note that this very unpleasant sounding man also mentioned that their child is disabled.
So, even more anguish and stress for his poor wife.
This sorry tale gets worse and worse doesn't it?

OP, you really are getting a bashing, some of justified, a lot just an excuse for bitter people to have a go at yet another man, so boring.

Take the good advice you have been offered, sex is not always about penetrative sex and definitely intimacy can be helped by pure kindness and thoughtfulness, you sound like you both love each other and both want a fulfilling sex life so your wife is doing the right thing, you just need to support her and accept it might a long road to recovery.