MIL is a narcissist and I have reached my limit

[5one5]

I am beginning to lose respect for DH because of what he lets MIL get away with. She has had a difficult life (extreme poverty, DV, lost youth) and it is used widely as an excuse in DH’s family for her incredibly rude and obnoxious behavior towards other people. She insults people to their faces – mostly women, because she’s a misogynist, but men get it as well. Because of her hard life she tends to think that she is entitled to luxury and special treatment, and DH and his siblings spend their time running around for her, buying her presents, plane tickets, holidays and going into debt paying for her extravagant life.

How does it affect me? She expects me to behave in the same way as DH: Cooking for her, cleaning for her, giving her the best of everything, telling her she’s beautiful, intelligent, well-loved. Nobody is allowed to tell a story at a family gathering unless she plays some starring role in it. She likes applause when she enters a room and toasts to her during meals. She likes to repeat stories of her youth where she was deemed “exceptionally beautiful” and things that were apparently said to her and fights that were apparently had over her. DH and her other children pretend they pander to her in a tongue-in-cheek way, but I can see that they all take it deadly seriously and that they all become like little minions when she is around. They are afraid of her.

DH excuses his and his siblings’ behavior around her by portraying her as a comical narcissist, as if everybody is in on the joke that she thinks very highly of herself, including her - but it really isn’t like that. There is no irony. She is a bona fide narcissist.

Our wedding day was about her. Our DC’s birthdays become about her. Christmas is about her Or she sits in a corner and sulks until enough people come up to her and ask if she is okay, at which point she will launch a scathing attack on the event, how it doesn’t cater to her at all, and her children including DH will spend the rest of the time with their tails between their legs, not enjoying themselves. Dh and his siblings are performing marionettes who will willingly make her the centre of anything and are constantly leaping around to measure the emotional barometer of the room she is in to avoid upsetting her.

She tries to teach her GC including our DC lines to recite like “I love you Grandma,” and “You are beautiful Grandma.” Sometimes they say it because she repeats it so much (so she likes these GC ) but the ones who won’t repeat it get the cold shoulder.

Anyway it’s all come to a head for me over something on facebook and I can’t look Dh in the eye anymore I am so angry:

There is a close friend of mine who doesn’t buy the applause and the toasting and the everything relating back to MIL, so MIL uniformly hates her. Today this friend looked after one of our DC and posted some pics of DC doing an activity on facebook with my permission. She tagged me in them, so the photos appeared on my timeline. MIL saw the pictures and wrote in a comment underneath how dare my friend have her DGC without her (MIL’s) permission and a series of other comments criticizing my friend and the activity she was doing with my DC. Criticisms completely unfounded and quite insulting.

Next thing I know DH has jumped on the comments tab too and has piled on with MIL against my friend., telling my friend that MIL is right, he agrees and she should be ashamed of herself. I was absolutely shocked

When I got home (an hour after this all happened on facebook) DH was waiting at the door with a guilty face on, ready to “manage” the situation. I was fuming. Dh went into full damage limitation, said he had texted MIL and told her not to post comments like that in the future, and proceeded to beg me to not post anything on facebook and not tell MIL off. He was like a desperate child.

I asked him why he posted in support of such a stupid comment from MIL and he said he wanted to “protect” her. I told him it was MIL attacking other people that was the problem. He said that he thought that MIL was provoking my friend by attacking her, and so he wanted to shut down any potential counterattack on MIL before there was one…

We were supposed to go out for dinner together tonight, the first night we haven’t had the DC for 9 months, but I have come home because I cannot sit across a table from him. I can’t even look him in the eye. He was sheepishly trying to get me to hug him and kiss him but I cannot even touch him for being such a fucking coward.

My life cannot be like this forever, but I don’t know what to do. (And yes I have spoken to my friend and apologized for MIL’s comments.) I am still considering commenting on the status but DH is begging me not to.

Unfortunately your DH is in the 'FOG' and he's not likely to come out any time soon.
So it really depends on what you are prepared to put up with.
As we always say, you have a DH problem here.

Get THIS BOOK for your DH and see where it takes you.

This will absolutely be your life until MIL passes away.
Unless you change it.
I would go NC with her personally.
Leave them all to it but you don't need to be involved with it all.
She's not your DM.
You owe here absolutely nothing at all!

If I were you I'd be going NC with MIL immediately and seriously re-evaluating relationship with your DH. He needs to realise just how seriously skewed his perspective is and that if he doesn't extricate himself he will lose you. Also wouldn't be letting her see the children in case she messes them up in the same way she has her own children.

There is no way I would not comment - my friends are precious to me and an attack on them by my DP for no good reason would be a non starter. He needs to publically apologise to your friend.

Your MIL clearly has some MH issues for which i am sorry, but the answer is not to try and change the world so she doesn't have to address them! Your problem, as you know, is your DH and his siblings enabling this insane behaviour

I wouldn't start an argument on FB with MIL. It would play right into her hands and she would play the victim. I agree with your DH on one point, your MIL posted what she did to provoke an argument, it's what people like her do.

Delete her comments and block her from commenting further. I would be having a word with her face to face.

Your DH needs to on side with you.

I would be so upset if I was your friend. Is she OK? You have to post in her defence. Then block the MIL. Unbelievable, hideous behaviour. I couldn't live with it.

I'd have lost respect a long time before you. You've done well to get this far.

Do you really want you dc emulating her or afraid of her that theyll stoop to dh's level. If not then it's time for radio silence. Your DH does not need to choose between you but he does need to respect your decision on this. Currently he is showing you he doesn't respect you at all.

I agree with PP you should comment gushing how much of a fab time the DCs had, indirectly counter every point MIL made ignoring what she put. This sort of thing INFURIATES people like her. Then block her.

I also agree that your DH needs counselling, she's got a massive hold over him.

You have got to support your friend publicly AND your DH needs to apologise to her. All of your friend's friends and family will have potentially seen the comments. Your MIL's comments are one thing but your DH jumping on and attacking your friend is just shocking.

Block MIL. Completely.

And I would be going NC. You and th children. DH will probably need longer but he needs to man the fuck up.

Wow definitely delete block and go Nc with mil. I'd raise hell on Facebook and off it. Someone needs to put an end to the idiocy.

joshlymanlover

Same with my mam - my dad's mother made her life a living hell, she was so narcissistic and controlling and played one off against another their whole lives. She outlived both of her children and my mother and was universally hated by her grandchildren but continued to pull the strings of the ones she could manipulate (I wasn't one of them - she hated me and DH because we stepped back out if it I saw what she had done to my parents marriage and she wasn't doing it to mine!). She was spiteful, vindictive and physically and emotionally abusive. None of us have missed her one iota.

Josh is right. This does not get better, it gets worse and worse because they get away with it. I would be tempted to respond to the FB thing - not be nasty as that will play into her hands, but defend your friend and thank her for everything she does for you.

Let this mad old cow see that she can't manipulate you, even if everyone else is sh!t-scared of upsetting her. She won't be your friend (ever) but you will not end up despising yourself for kowtowing to her.

They are a completely dysfunctional family, its not cute, its not funny and theres nothing nice or loving about any of it.
Your MIL is playing 'us and them', and your DH is choosing to side with her. Its unhealthy.
She has no excuse for her behaviour. Most people go through a bad childhood and come out with some empathy and a wish not to pass the pain on to others.

I would give him an ultimatum. His wife and kids, or his abusive mother.

My grandmother was like this. She made my mum's life a misery. It was one long game of cat and mouse. Even when my DG was being nice there was an underlying current of "how long will this last?". Its all very well for people to tell your DH to "man up" but when you have grown up in that enviroment I think its very hard to see a way out of it.

You wont get your MIL to therapy - sorry, it's just not going to happen. And you can only encourage and support your DH to see whats happening and respond.
The rest will be down to you and your determination to keep her at arms length.

Its all very well for people to tell your DH to "man up" but when you have grown up in that enviroment I think its very hard to see a way out of it

This is the tragic truth. It's a sort of learned helplessness, and very hard for the people involved to see let alone break away fro.

In their minds the Horrible Parent is still the person they need to placate to (quite literally sometimes) survive. Getting out of that mode is VVVV difficult.

OP - you will never get your cowboy MIL to therapy, but would your DH consider it? It might help him to get an adult perspective on the relationship (which is poisonous) and then he could learn to step back from it.

*COWBAG MIL, not cowboy.

(clenches teeth at autocorrect)

I echo what almost all the other posters have said about you MIL...block and delete

I probably would comment (though I dont like FB wars) as your MIL is so out of order. How did your friend take it ? My DB posted a rather spiteful meme on Mothers Day and my first reaction was just to be mortified that it could be seen by my 'friends' on FB. Now I'm just so disappointed that someone who I feel I have done no harm and have actually helped a lot could kick me in the teeth. People seem to be brave posting things on FB they they wouldn't say outloud to a room of your friends

I would seriously look toward protecting your DC's from MIL's crazy ways before they become as brainwashed as you DH

I have to admit, I snorted out loud when I got to "Grandma you are beautiful".

Then I read the rest of your post and it stopped being even remotely funny.

I wish you all the best, because you're gonna need it. Your MIL is off her rocker and beyond hope, but as others have observed, your real problem is your H. The only thing you can do is set and communicate your own boundaries, and I would most certainly (as others suggest) go NC with MIL, not to mention make it clear to everyone concerned that her behaviour was totally unacceptable. Your H desperately needs therapy, but I doubt he will go unless/until you make it clear that your marriage hangs in the balance, which I think it probably does - and even then he may simply not be able to extricate himself in time.

Your MIL thinks she has more rights over your children than you do - in fact, she thinks they are merely objects which exist to bolster her own sense of self, not humans - and your husband will do literally anything to support her worldview, including attacking others. That will eventually include you, if it hasn't already. That is chilling.

Please update us when you can.

My mum is a massive narcissist, although not anywhere near as bad as this. I'm the only one who stands up to her and I end up looking like the bad one because everyone else panders to her. But your DH has massively crossed a line publicly embarrassing/insulting your friend who was only doing the two of you a favour. He needs to delete his comment, give your friend a big apology in private and I also think you need to comment sticking up for your friend.
Your DH needs to realise his mother's behaviour is not harmless and amusing when other people end up being verbally attacked.

I had a certain amount of sympathy for your DH being under MILs spell until I read the bit where he commented on facebook. He KNEW what he was doing was wrong but he still did it. He needs to give your friend a grovelling apology.

I wish your luck OP between them both you have your work cut out :(

There is no way I would not comment

^^^^^
I don't think I could stop myself from commenting either.

If it were me, my DH would have to move mountains to earn my respect after his behaviour.

He attacked your friend for helping you out. So now your friend not only thinks MIL is a loony, she thinks that your DH is one as well.

He prefers to attack your innocent friend, in favour of his crazy mother.

I honestly don't know how you've put up with this for so long.

Perhaps your DH truly thinking you're done will wake him up. You all know MIL is off the crazy, but he should have known much better than that.

You need to support your friend. Doing nothing is equivalent to throwing her under the bus, in just the same way that your husband is doing to you and DC.

Don't react on FB to hers and your DH's twattery , though. Instead, react to the original post: your friend's photos, with something like: "What a wonderful time DC had, and thank you so much DFriend for doing this for them!"

Then inform your DH that neither you or your DC will have any more contact with the madwoman, in order to save yourselves from her toxicity. What he does is his own affair, but you suggest he looks into how he might protect his marriage.

What did you decide to do OP?

You have to comment, for your friends sake

I would go with the jokey "Have you been on the Gin again MIL & have you been sneaking it in DHs drinks too"

Then delete & block her. My own DM could be similar & I could never have her on my FB as a result, it just isn't worth the agro.

Your DH does need to grow a pair though & counselling would an excellent idea. Maybe use this incident to push him into that path

Good luck

Was the activity getting ears pierced or getting V long hair cut short?
Just trying to understand why she was upset.

Meeep - IME people like the MIL in question don't actually need a rational reason to be upset. It is probably that the activity did not involve her, or that she was not informed about the activity that is the 'reason' for the upset.

OP I really feel for you. Your DH publicly threw your helpful friend to the wolves and sided with his mad mother, where everyone you know could see. I would find it very hard to get over. His hold on reality and what is appropriate behaviour is so very warped.

If you don't post a response or delete/block her, you're pandering to her (just like your dh).