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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does my fella need help or should I run for the hills?

80 replies

Francescabear22 · 08/10/2016 16:41

Hi everyone, I'm so confused and don't know what to do ! I've been with my husband for 7 years and married for just 2 of them . First 5 years was great he would do anything for me. We loved each other a lot although he told me one day that he had been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive personality disorder before we met but that he had taken prozac and received CBT for it and felt it was under control. He was rigid about time keeping cleaning and his career but was still very loving . However after our wedding 2 years ago he has left me 3 times for having a minor disagreement the 2nd time was over silly things like the dog having no water when he came home from work he said I was making him deeply unhappy and he left he got a flat . The night before the dog water incident he had asked where I fancied going for a nice weekend??? Then left the next day and actually got a flat 2 weeks later he asked could we work towards reconnecting and he would give up the flat if it worked I said yes . It was hard it would upset me when he went home and I would lie in my marital bed and cry ! My husband who I love so very much has got a flat !!!!!!! I couldn't understand why! If I got upset to him he would say you are making the chances of this working out very slim you need to stop it . So I would dry my eyes and shut up. Just 5 weeks ago we had a fabulous 2 weeks away on returning he texted me to say " hey sweetcheeks my sexy soul mate what do you want to do for your birthday " which was to be 3 days later. The next day we had a small row about the flat . He walked out of my house the next morning I received a text saying "you argued with me for 20 minutes last night and I fear you will just be the death of me this marriage is over don't contact me ever again and sure enough he would not take my calls. I've just received a letter in the post off him saying I'm so very sorry I do this to you all the time I do not know why I do it you are the best thing that's ever happened to me but I have this black and white thing going on that when it's good I'm great and then for the slightest reason I can't cope and it all feels so bad . I've not responded as I can't work out is this man unwell is this OCPD or narcissim or is he just a cheeky sod and I'm better off moving on .thanks so much if you reply with any advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
Francescabear22 · 09/10/2016 12:35

No friends one sister one nephew has cut them both out of his life . But very very close to his mother . They are like Norma and Norman Bates .

OP posts:
LIZS · 09/10/2016 12:44

It could be both, they aren't mutually exclusive. Your 7 year relationship doesn't seem to have resolved his underlying MH issues and I wonder how conditioned you have become to accept them in the meantime, skewing your perspective. Is it your house or jointly owned?

Original poster
Francescabear22 · 09/10/2016 12:49

Hi ya x it's my house I bought it 15 years before we met . Our first 5 years were so lovely but from the moment we married this all started to go bad the black and white thinking just escalated x

OP posts:
sadnortherner · 09/10/2016 12:56

PsychedelicSheep - Not always the case with all personality disorders - with NPD for example, they are very adept at putting on a social mask to show that everything is absolutely fine in their world. It's only in private that the mask comes off.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/10/2016 13:18

OK, now that you've taken a deep breath and opened your eyes wide you need to consider how you want to proceed.

Since you are married, you need to see a solicitor. Doing so doesn't commit you to anything, it just educates you to your legal standing. I'm not in the UK so I'm not sure, but IIRC marriage might convey some rights to him with regards to your house, even if it's in your sole name. At least, that's the impression I've gotten from some threads.

Just remember that although he may have some type of mental health problem it is not your responsibility to cure it or accommodate it. That's for the professionals (and him) to do. Your responsibility is to your own well-being and that of your son.

Original poster
Francescabear22 · 09/10/2016 13:28

Thank you my works union gives you a free consultation with their own solicitor so I have that appointment next Thursday. Many thanks x

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 09/10/2016 13:33

Best of luck to you.

HuskyLover1 · 09/10/2016 13:50

Whatever "label" you want to put on it, whether he indeed has a condition, or is just an arse hole, the crux of the matter, is that he is behaving terribly by continually picking you up, and then dropping you on a whim.

To carry on living like this, would be madness. And it can't be good for your son either. Too much instability.

Do not take him back.

Original poster
Francescabear22 · 09/10/2016 14:17

Thank you x would anybody know why for the 5 years before marriage he was lovely x I don't want to do him an injustice on here either he was really lovely before we married x

OP posts:
LIZS · 09/10/2016 14:39

Were you living together in those 5 years? Has he changed or stopped taking medication?

Original poster
Francescabear22 · 09/10/2016 14:49

Yes we lived together and yes he stopped the Meds I just never took all this diagnosis that serious until just recently when I've thought oh my word maybe just maybe this isn't me after all and that diagnosis was only in remission not gone x I'm so sorry if I sound uneducated in this area I should never of took it that it wouldn't come back its not like he told me he had chicken pox x

OP posts:
NettleTea · 09/10/2016 14:54

Maybe his ideas about 'dating' are very different to his ideas about 'marriage' could be as simple as that.
Personality disorders are VERY difficult to treat - they have their basis most often in childhood abuse and trauma. It takes alot of commitment and a hugely experienced therapist to help. You are not his therapist, you lack the psychological expertise and are also emotionally involved, so you are so far from being able to fix him that you will do yourself harm to even try.
Plus the dynamic that would be set up would have a very detrimental effect on your child as well.
His mother probably places him at the centre of his world - hence the close relationship. Siblings are competition for attention.

My FIL almost certainly has a personality disorder. It has near destroyed my MIL, who is realising too late that there is something very wrong with him. She is now in hospital, quite seriously ill, and we are in a position that we are scared to let her home because he is jealous of the attention she is getting, and only wants her back so she can get on with being a wife and look after him. He begrudges and throws a wobbler if asked to help her at all. dont let this be you

AcrossthePond55 · 09/10/2016 15:03

My ex never laid a hand on me nor even raised his voice to me until after we were married. We dated for 2 years, but I'd known him for a total of 6 and never saw a temper. The abuse started almost immediately after he put that ring on my finger.

I think it's because he (and your H) were on their 'best behaviour' before marriage, when their temper/behaviour would have made us end the relationship, and ending it would have been easy back then . Marriage seems to convey to them some sort of 'ownership' or perhaps they understand that the level of commitment we would feel upon marriage would make us try and try and try to 'make it work'.

But, as I've said on other threads, the 'why' doesn't really matter. 'Why' isn't worth the time and effort. It is what it is, you make your decision on what is best for you right now, not on 'why' he behaved the way he did in the past.

KickAssAngel · 09/10/2016 15:32

The fact that he won't contribute financially, and that he changed after you got married, and that he can control his behavior around other people all point to abuse rather than mental health. Yes, people with depression can, to a certain extent, hold it together when at work etc, but not consistently all the time. The illness is always there and shows through.

Abusers choose their victim, and deem that person not worthy of them, so the abuse all heads towards that one person. They can also choose when to let it show - usually after marriage or when their partner is pregnant, as it means they can't just walk away, so the abuse escalates. It also crosses over into other aspects of life, such as money. Of course he should be contributing to the household, and you should be able to discuss that without him turning it around and blaming you for nagging.

The more you write, the more this sounds like abuse rather than mental health problems.

Original poster
Francescabear22 · 09/10/2016 15:47

So so grateful to you all I really am. When he got this flat in April I left it a whole 3 months before I said I'm a bit worried about how much I've put on my credit card since you went he answered I can't help you while I'm running a flat it's impossible to do both can you not understand that . I remember that conversation because we were sitting in the car and I just smacked my head on the steering wheel to try and stop the emotional pain and replace it with a physical pain ... he told me to go gp and tell him I was depressed and acting strange ... don't try this anyone because I just ended up with a massive forehead lump as well as emotional pain . Durrr!!!

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 09/10/2016 17:41

It may be that he sees 'wife' as needing to behave differently from 'girlfriend.' Perhaps, in his head, he could 'cut girlfriend some slack' but as a wife he expects you to conform to some mystical standard that only he is aware of.

Don't forget that the vows you made were also made by him...

keepingonrunning · 09/10/2016 18:11

"In sickness and in health"
Think about your health and wellbeing.
From everything I have read personality disorders, if that is what it is, are not mental illnesses, they are mental disorders. That person is perfectly capable of getting what they want out of other people, to their detriment if necessary.
Marriage is not about signing up to be a doormat or a counsellor. His wellbeing is his responsibility. Yours and DS's wellbeing is your responsibility - make it your priority.

keepingonrunning · 09/10/2016 18:14

People with NPD tend to create three phases in their romantic relationships: idealise - devalue - discard. This is a possibly explanation how everything was so rosy in the beginning, if you were in the phase where he idealised you. (not to be confused with idolised you)

Original poster
Francescabear22 · 09/10/2016 18:17

That's exactly what he's done those 3 phases oh my word that makes so much sense thank you

OP posts:
Zeeandra · 09/10/2016 18:26

Something has clearly changed in his mind since you got married. I think due to how he is reacting to minor things he needs to sort out his issues before you even contemplate him coming back. You can't live with someone who breaks your heart over a minor disagreement or your mental health will end up damaged as well.

He chose to leave and get a flat, let him stay there and sort himself out. If you want to support him encourage him to get help ASAP. You don't have to make yourself a slave to his condition.

If you BOTH want to save your marriage he needs to sort out his issues FIRST then
Look at the marriage afterwards.

Zeeandra · 09/10/2016 18:33

I'm not saying go back I'm saying whatever you do he needs to sort himself out FIRST. He was the one who stopped taking his
Meds and started acting weird. He knows he is doing it but isn't seeking help. He walked out. All those things are his choice.

Original poster
Francescabear22 · 09/10/2016 22:20

Thank you its all brilliant advice x I'm going to keep a dignified silence and spend time with my friends sisters and my boy and take the advice on board it's him that needs to realise he needs help again with or without out a marriage xx

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PsychedelicSheep · 09/10/2016 23:31

Sadnorthener - 'it's not personality disorder unless someone's difficulties are persistent, pervasive and problematic'. From emergence.org.uk, the PD charity I do some work for. Although I agree with what you say about NPD, I would argue that having to keep up the false self image is still a big part of the dysfunction.

keepingonrunning · 10/10/2016 11:24

Getting a flat and constantly flitting in and out of your life might be because he is juggling other relationship options, I'm sorry to say.

RestlessTraveller · 10/10/2016 11:51

Been there. Done that. Gather ye skirts up and run for the hills. Don't look back and don't get sucked back in.