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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does my fella need help or should I run for the hills?

80 replies

Francescabear22 · 08/10/2016 16:41

Hi everyone, I'm so confused and don't know what to do ! I've been with my husband for 7 years and married for just 2 of them . First 5 years was great he would do anything for me. We loved each other a lot although he told me one day that he had been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive personality disorder before we met but that he had taken prozac and received CBT for it and felt it was under control. He was rigid about time keeping cleaning and his career but was still very loving . However after our wedding 2 years ago he has left me 3 times for having a minor disagreement the 2nd time was over silly things like the dog having no water when he came home from work he said I was making him deeply unhappy and he left he got a flat . The night before the dog water incident he had asked where I fancied going for a nice weekend??? Then left the next day and actually got a flat 2 weeks later he asked could we work towards reconnecting and he would give up the flat if it worked I said yes . It was hard it would upset me when he went home and I would lie in my marital bed and cry ! My husband who I love so very much has got a flat !!!!!!! I couldn't understand why! If I got upset to him he would say you are making the chances of this working out very slim you need to stop it . So I would dry my eyes and shut up. Just 5 weeks ago we had a fabulous 2 weeks away on returning he texted me to say " hey sweetcheeks my sexy soul mate what do you want to do for your birthday " which was to be 3 days later. The next day we had a small row about the flat . He walked out of my house the next morning I received a text saying "you argued with me for 20 minutes last night and I fear you will just be the death of me this marriage is over don't contact me ever again and sure enough he would not take my calls. I've just received a letter in the post off him saying I'm so very sorry I do this to you all the time I do not know why I do it you are the best thing that's ever happened to me but I have this black and white thing going on that when it's good I'm great and then for the slightest reason I can't cope and it all feels so bad . I've not responded as I can't work out is this man unwell is this OCPD or narcissim or is he just a cheeky sod and I'm better off moving on .thanks so much if you reply with any advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
Francescabear22 · 08/10/2016 17:45

Thank you x

OP posts:
Storminateapot · 08/10/2016 17:58

Let him go and sort himself out. His need to control every aspect of his own life has spilled over into a need to control you. A 20 minute spat over something silly and it's over? He clearly doesn't value your marriage and has cried 'wolf' one too many times.

Gather up your dignity and self-respect and walk away.

Original poster
Francescabear22 · 08/10/2016 18:00

My thoughts exactly no value to our marriage which I actually cherished thank you x

OP posts:
garlicandsapphire · 08/10/2016 18:16

RUN. This man will drive you crazy and is not good for your son either.

Big hugs and support OP.

KEEP RUNNING....

keepingonrunning · 08/10/2016 22:54

For your own long term happiness and possibly your safety, I would end it. I'm very sorry. He clearly has mental health issues, perhaps borderline personality disorder (he mentioned black and white thinking). It doesn't matter what he's got. Don't make it your problem to fix. You can't.
Now check out my username. There's a reason I chose it and it's not because I'm into athletics.
Flowers

Original poster
Francescabear22 · 08/10/2016 23:00

You kept on running?? Hope you are OK now thank you so much your response makes so much sense.

OP posts:
keepingonrunning · 08/10/2016 23:51

Metaphorically still running, yes. I am no contact.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/10/2016 00:06

So what if it is DiagnosedThing?

That doesn't mean you have to accept being mistreated.

Understanding and accepting are different. You can do one without the other.

Original poster
Francescabear22 · 09/10/2016 00:34

Yes thank you makes sense . I was just thinking if it is a personality disorder would be cruel of me not to try and help him as our vows said in sickness and in health .

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 09/10/2016 01:04

Sickness and health is just that though...it doesn't include emotional abuse. The on again/off again dynamic is cruel emotional torture regardless of the source.
You have no obligation to put up with it.

LadyB49 · 09/10/2016 01:10

I spent 22 years like this with a man who was unstable. One night I quietly had a lightbulb moment and ended it there and then.
No row. Just - it's over, no more.
Don't do what I did.
You can't fix him.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/10/2016 01:27

I think you should read your post carefully, think about your life with him, and look for the 'withdrawal and reward' he's using to control you. You 'displease' him, he leaves/withdraws from you. You 'please' him and he 'rewards' you by coming back. He's training you to be solely concerned with pleasing him, with what he wants and to disregard your own needs and wants. It's abusive and it's insidious.

Run for the hills.

KickAssAngel · 09/10/2016 01:33

IF it's genuinely an illness then he needs to get help, not take it out on you. When he's like this you're not helping him at all by accepting him back - you're just making his crazy behavior seem OK. After all, if you take him back he must be OK, so he doesn't need to go to the doctor, does he?

IF he's genuinely ill, gets help, and stays stable, then you could see if there's a relationship to be had, but until then, you need to stay away for his sake, yours, and your son's.

SandyY2K · 09/10/2016 07:49

He may well be ill, but his treatment towards you will make you ill too. You can't speak your mind for fear of him ending the marriage, because of his threats.

You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and toe the line like this.

So if it was me, I'd tell him to get help, because you are not prepared to continue like this and you don't want him to come back until such a time as he will not treat you this way.

Well done for changing your phone number and keep up with being strong. His behaviour must feel abusive.

gratesnakes · 09/10/2016 08:11

You've had good advice here. Please don't get back with this hurtful man. It will destroy your self esteem and your son's.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/10/2016 08:47

Acrossthepond had it.
It's abuse.
Don't put up with it.
Just stay no contact and get on with your life.

GrumpusLumpus · 09/10/2016 08:55

Walk away for you. Walk away for your child. And then get help figuring out why you were attracted to someone who treats you in this way as it's wholly unacceptable. You cannot change him. You deserve a partner not an emotional DIY project.

Graceflorrick · 09/10/2016 08:57

Do not have children with this man. Move on.

PsychedelicSheep · 09/10/2016 09:44

In answer to your questions, both are true. OCPD is not the same as OCD, although there are overlaps. It's actually the most common type of personality disorder there is. The extreme inflexibility and inability to tolerate any sort of 'wrongdoing' obviously makes him a very difficult person to live with. He can't tolerate people being 'human' you have to be perfect or nothing. Impossible to live up to.

He at least has some awareness into his problems but is a long way off from changing. Antibiotics are not recommended in the NICE guidelines as an effective treatment of personality disorders, and regular CBT will not be enough. He needs Schema Therapy or Cognitive Analytical Therapy for this issue. The first is generally longer term and he'll have to pay privately, the second is available through some NHS mental health services but it depends where you live. Personality Disorders are treatable, but it's a long, hard slog I'm not gonna lie.

I personally could not be in a relationship like this one but good luck to you whatever you decide.

PsychedelicSheep · 09/10/2016 09:48

Sorry, I mean both questions in your thread title, as in yes he needs help and yes you should run for the hills.

sadnortherner · 09/10/2016 09:54

Had a very long thread a few months ago about being in a very similar situation - only difference for me is that there is a child involved which makes it even more complicated

There will be a thousand more incidents like the dog having no water.

Please get out now while you can - the situation will never change, it will always be your fault in his eyes and it will destroy your mental health and well being.

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 09/10/2016 09:58

Please leave. Help he may need but it is not your job to fix him. I'm speaking from experience only he had me so scared to leave that I never did. I tried and tried to help him, he was completely confusing. Alternated between making me feel it was all my fault and periods of utter self loathing, apologies and promises to get help. He left for someone else 12 years later and then went on to do the same to her. Protect yourself and your son. Don't let this man back in.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/10/2016 10:00

It's the abuse that Across pointed out that you should focus on. He doesn't just leave because it doesn't seem good anymore. He leaves to punish you and he threatens to leave to make you behave the way he wants you too...

Original poster
Francescabear22 · 09/10/2016 11:35

I can't thank you all enough you know !! His behaviour has totally sent me round the bend months of counselling and anti depressants and weight loss thinking it was me that didn't understand the ways of marriage I thought I was reading it wrong I thought I was a total pain in the arse wife !! How dare I want him to share the same house how dare I expect him to share the bills! And for complaining I felt like a nag!! Now listening to all this advice I can see it more clearly . It's not normal it's not acceptable and I think now it's half and half I think he does have a mild personality disorder but also took full of advantage of me being vulnerable and naieve and used it to suit his needs .I have so many lovely friends and I have fabulous sisters and we'll my boy I can't even begin to describe what a beautiful soul he is 💙 but also thank you all so much this thread has been invaluable xx

OP posts:
PsychedelicSheep · 09/10/2016 12:26

Is he like it with other people? Personality disorders are pervasive, which means they impact all areas of a person's life. 2% of the population have OCPD (the majority of them men) so it's fairly common but I sure as hell couldn't live with one!

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