Is it the lack of sex? Is it me? Was I in the right or he?

[thewomanwiththepearlearring]

This is going to be a long one, so here it goes.

I was with DS dad for a very long time. We did live together, but I couldn't stand his controlling ways, constant nagging for sex, unpredictable temper and I didn't want DS to be brought up in that sort of environment, so I left and I now live with my parents.

Here's the issue, when I was with DS dad, the lack of sex was an issue. He has a very high sex drive; I don't have a high sex drive at all. But when I was living with DS dad, I would give him sex constantly just so that he can stop whining as he will get very angry and accuse me of all sorts. Also, DS dad was very unhelpful around the house, he hardly took me out anywhere, we hardly did things as a family, but he was very good with DS. But I started to feel used, horrible feeling, and after a while, on top of other things that I mentioned above, it was too much and I left.

When I went to live at my parents house, things started to change (we were still together at this point-- but I went to live at my parents house for that break ifyswim). DS dad had hardly been to take out DS anywhere, doesn't give me money to support his DS (well he has no job but gets benefits), he doesn't like going out to social places, so he would hardly take me out anywhere, but he would constantly tell me to go to his flat to have sex. When we did go out, it was like DS dad expected sex in return. Almost like a reward when he took me out. It got to a point that I was worried to invite DS dad to parents evenings, events, days out etc incase he did come and expected sex in return. If I refused, DS dad would go into a fit in public.

I hated it, I felt used. I didn't feel like we were in a relationship. He wasn't providing my emotional needs, as well as DS! I felt like he hardly did anything for his DS despite the fact that our DS has special needs. So I was doing all his care. So I thought, why do I need to give this man sex, when he doesn't do anything really to contribute to the relationship...relationships are suppose to be equal, balancing out each others emotional and physical needs right?

I had enough, so all in all, I decided that until DS dad supports his son (emotionally, financially etc) and supports me (emotionally etc), I would refuse giving him sex and end the relationship with him. Which I did, it has been 8 months now.

Just today, DS dad called me and we had a discussion about the issues in our past relationship. DS dad wants to get back with me, but he quickly (sigh) started to ask me if I can come back to his to have sex. As I have filed for child maintenance, which is £7.00 a week as his on benefits. DS dad said he has "changed" that he has done everything that I have asked him to do..regarding supporting DS financially through child maintenance (he see's DS now and again) and that I expect him to give me all my wants, but I wouldn't give him anything in return (sex). I told DS dad, that despite what CM say, £7.00 a week is not enough, that I struggle daily to provide for DS and his needs (he has severe allergies as well as SEN) and that he should be ashamed of giving DS so little. He even gloatly told me that his actually working in a bar and gets cash in hand .

He then began to say that he still loves me , and wants me back. I then said ok, but can we take things slow, like go on dates, go out to public places . He then replied that I know he hates going out socially, he has no money and that we can go to the park and go to his after (sigh-again). I told him no, that this is why I dumped you in the first place, that until he starts providing for DS, emotionally supporting me and DS, being more their for us as a family, then I will get back with you. He got miffed and hanged up.

Oh..he even told me that even though he and I aren't together, that if I find a new boyfriend, he will leave DS and I for good .

I think I'm wasting my time .

OP - you do not have to GIVE him sex just because he has done something HE deems is for you.

You don't have to give him anything, in return for £7 a week - which is for your/his ds, not you.

Do you want him back? Is that why you keep saying he has to change and support you emotionally first? Because he won't change. Your body is his for the taking, in his mind.

He's sexually abusive, he refuses to properly care for his child, he's using your child to emotionally blackmail you into staying single. What do you like about this guy?
Btw when he coerces you into sex by demanding it in return for going to parents night, or when you give in to his pestering to avoid a row, that's rape.

Why on earth would you even contemplate getting back together with someone so inadequate? Especially when it's not even that he actually likes, loves or cares about you or your DS, but instead just wants to get his end away?

The problem is you have been treated so appallingly for so long that it seems normal to you.

This guy is the lowest piece of slime in the pond.

His behaviour is bullying, manipulative and abusive. Once you've met a few more normal people you will be in a better position to see him for what he is, a total inadequate, in every respect.

Do not even consider getting back with him, or even ever ever ever going back to his place again, ever, for anything.

Lets get one thing straight. You have had sex with him for the last time ever, it is never happening again.

You are moving forward in your life, and your DS has you. This "Dad" is just a dead weight, who will never do anything other than drag you backwards.

I hope he disappears in a puff of smoke, and is never heard of again.

Why does he claim benefits? If he can earn cash in hand at the pub he can get off his backside, get a job and provide for his child regardless of whether you are together or not.

Add to that the way he treats you grab your trainers and run for the hills OP. I understand you have been with him for a long time BUT that's even more of a reason not to waste another second. Run...

He's abusive. And I'm sorry but even a prostitute earns more that £7 a week. Which is basically what he's treating you like.

This is not love. This is all about control. You've got out now stay out.

Can I suggest you look at the freedom programme. It would help you to get balance and see that this behaviour is not normal.

Also no man worth his salt expects sex in exchange for supporting his child. That's just disgusting.

For heaven's sake don't start thinking you have to give him sex so he will stay in DS's life. If he doesn't care enough about his son to see him unless he is paid in sex then he doesn't care enough to be a real dad at all.

Whatever I say about my ex - and I frequently do - he would crawl over broken glass to see his children, because he loves them. He has hardly any money so I didn't get maintenance, but he takes them out to lunch, gives them pocket money and buys treats for them because giving stuff to them makes him happy. That's what being a dad is about. Caring about your children. Not using them as a bargaining chip.

OP, if you had a DD and she came to you with your story. What would YOU tell her to do.?

Mum my boyfriend demands sex after making tiny half arsed gestures he should do in everyday life anyway. ....

Do you want to have sex.....?

No, sometimes I have to lie and say I'm on my period.

I'd likely hold an intervention if she thought of doing anything other than binning him. This is abuse for gods sake.

This is not your fault. No-one feels like having sex with someone that nags and pesters them for it constantly - it's a horrible way to live. You know that he hasn't changed, as the first thing he did was pester you to have sex again.
He is fundamentally an awful person, he will not change, whatever he says (and he isn't even sounding that convincing is he?).

Women's aid do a program called the freedom program - I strongly suggest you do it, as it will help you see his behaviour for what it is, and avoid men like this in future.

He sounds horrible and manipulative and selfish.
Get rid.

Why do you think this bloke is worth a moment of your time? He is awful. Awful.

Don't take him back. Don't let him have sex on you. Work on building yourself up and finding a new future.

Good on you for ending it OP. I fully understand that it can take some time to reach that point, especially when you've been together for a long time and you forget what's normal/acceptable. Any security that you ever felt with him is false, and would be whipped away if you didn't play ball. That's not love. Please stay strong and all the very best

Thank you all for your replies. I cried reading them because it was so true.

I though my low sex drive was the problem. On the phone also, he told me that he has been sleeping with other women, but doesn't care about them, but would like to have sex with me as he prefers to have sex with someone who he cares about.

His even said that where is working that so many women find him attractive . I felt upset when he said that as people would point out that they couldn't understand what a good looking guy like DS dad would go out with someone ugly like me. A lot of people told me and him that and people always looked shocked when they knew DS dad was going out with me.

I even wanted DS to have a sibling now as I was worried that DS would end up being alone. I felt like I needed his dad because I didn't want to bring up DS on my own (ironic as that's what I'm exactly doing).

To the poster who said that their DCs dad would go over broken glass and that his not earning a lot and still takes their kids out. I wish DS dad was like that . I've spent so much money on DS private therapy (I'm not working, atm I'm doing my Masters) to the point that I was struggling, but I do it because I love DS and I know what's best for him.

All of my friends are getting married; I feel a pang in my heart when I see women my age (early 20s) getting married, marrying their partners, expanding their families. While I'm here, struggling with DS alone.

DS dad is the only man I've been with, so I've never experienced what it's like to be in a normal relationship.

Oh the reason why I kept saying that I wanted DS dad to provide for me emotionally, was cause he kept asking me to get back with him.

I'm at lost.

He sounds like an absolute scumbag who likes to throw all the guilt on your plate , he doesn't love you or care about you or his child . I have joint custody of my children with my exw and would definitely walk over broken glass for them , you are young enough to start again and meet someone who will love and respect you without using sex as a bargaining tool .

Finish it with this disgusting man get him to take some financial responsibility for his own child and concentrate on getting your life back for YOU ....well done with the Masters ...

Do you Mumsnetters think that he doesn't love DS because of his SEN? Though, he was like this... But a bit better... Before we found out DS had SEN.

Darling, you could second guess him until the cows come home, but who knows with someone like that. Next time he crows on about his looks or how others find him attractive, put him in his place and tell him it's the only thing he's got going for him! You have more intelligence and integrity in your little finger than him. If he lets down your son, it's gonna happen, so let it. You can't control it. If he wants to be a good dad, he'll be there regardless of whether you and he are together. Also, you are in your early 20s!! I know it seems a bit daunting now, but you really do have your whole life ahead of you, and every chance in the world of making a go of it with someone else … in future. Please consider counselling to build up your self-esteem and enable you to move on. In a few years' time, you will be wondering what you ever saw in this loser.

I don't think this man is capable of loving anyone but himself.

The reason why his abuse of you has got worse is because he is abusive and you keep going back for more. Stop this cycle now. You can do it.

You made the right decision to leave him . Well done! That cant have been easy. Don't go back to him. He sounds absolutely horrible. You will be a much better person and a much better mum without him.
(By the way your sex drive is probably perfectly normal. He was just demanding sex in a weird controlling way. If you doubt yourself I think the Freedom programme would be a good idea.) Good luck to you. You have got yourself and your son out of a nasty abusive situation. Don't be tempted back.

It's nothing to do with your DS SEN, it's all about the ex being an arsehole.

OP I'm so angry on your behalf, he is vile and abusive. As he is your first relationship you don't know any better but he is using you for sex and is abusing you. I've heard this before in RL were men are calling their partners names and then expect then to have sex with them, why do some men just expect women to do this! Also people saying you are ugly and he is such a good catch then why don't they go out with him, he is so generous with his 7 pound a week contribution! Also claiming benefits whilst working, a call to benefits hotline will sort that out. Agree with pp, he is not a good dad, doesnt matter if your child has SEN, it must be so hard for you, probably you and DS would be better off without him. You are obviously intelligent, well done on your masters, you can do so much better and don't let anyone tell you that you are "lucky" to have him, he is a complete waste of oxygen. You are young, I didn't meet DH until I was 31. I'm ranting now but so angry he thinks he can treat you like this, don't put up with it. Good luck OP x

He won't change unfortunately. You are better off without him. You did great in leaving with your DS.
It doesn't matter how pretty or charming he is. He is ugly inside.
for you.

Thanks all.

So how can I maintain a healthy distance, whilst still facilitating a relationship between DS dad and DS?

As an example, DS dad birthday is coming up and I was thinking for DS to send him a card. But then I thought, why should I make DS do this when he hardly sees his dad ( been 8 months too).

Also, I feel DS dad calls me to check what I'm doing. When he calls, is it best to ignore it. Or should I now start telling him to text me instead no voice calls, as this is when DS dad goes on about abracadabra, tells me he wants to see me and so forth.

Why was trace post deleted? I didn't even read it.