Married sex life or lack of it

[victoriafalls555]

With so much cheating and divorces going on, I want to ask you all: How do you keep your sex life alive in a marriage with kids? Is it alive? Are you happy with it? Is your DP happy with it? How do you know?

If you're not very active, do you think your DP is fine with that, what do you do together instead? It seems to me this is a big problem in many marriages, I'm definitely struggling with loss of libido in mine. A happy sex life makes a happy marriage. Isn't it so?

User..the most disturbing thing I find in your thinking is that if you ever feel like having sex you'll 'take care of yourself'. Why would you do that? For the rare occasion you feel like it, why not do it with your husband? And despite whatever you say, I find it hard to imagine him being ok with it, since he tries sometimes.. It does sound like you two don't love each other. Whatever brought you together in the first place?

Cazz that just sounds like you and your DH are time poor but the willingness is still there.

That is not the same thing as what others are going through.

I'm guessing on the occasions that User takes matters into her own hands (pun intended) she's fantasising about someone who isn't her husband, certainly that's one of the hardest things I find to reconcile. My DW will read erotic fiction and toys in preference to having an intimate relationship with me.

Your post comes across as an interview rather than a question - where are all these answers going?

..too many user names!- but that was me up thread. Yes,I have an urge every now and then. People think the male has these selfish orgasms- isn't that the phrase?- Well suspect both sexs do. Even when we were having sex,I was always focussed on me.So I do 'take care' occasionally. As Im sure he does. As with Harmless's DW. Maybe Im being harsh, but stop obsessing with sex and get some hobbies/interests you can both share..

For Pete's sake everyone,I'm NOT researching for an article! And I'm NOT a journalist. Last time I'm going to address this.
I didn't want to start a very personal thread with 'my husband wants more sex than me and is threatening to walk out'! I have seen how these kind of threads can turn into men-bashing in the vein of how dare he,he must have ow etc.. I also don't need lame generalisations like buy some sexy underwear,put music on wine etc.. I think those things are try-hard and not a permanent solution. I really feel for anyone who's in this situation,on either side of the coin as changing the way you relate to each other after many many years is not easy. Not sure what I am going to do about it personally, but talking about it now is helping to see the full picture,not just my own point of view.

Maybe Im being harsh, but stop obsessing with sex and get some hobbies/interests you can both share

If that works for you and your DH then that's fine but it sounds more like friendship/housemates rather than a marriage to me. I share a hobby with an OAP down the road but I don't want to grow old with him.

For me its not the act of sex itself its that she no longer seems to find me attractive or desirable, it plays havoc with ones self esteem.

As I have stated I'm not prepared to stay like this forever, I have a time-scale of waiting until the kids are both at Uni because I am committed to being the most hands dad I can be (that's as much for me as them). but I am resigned to the likelihood that things won't improve.

Despite having gone over the issues on plenty of occasions I suspect it will be a massive shock to her when the time comes, I hope the future doesn't any shocks for you.

oops that should read hands on dad

Chap i suspect she wont mind . Because you can bet that if a partner does leave someone like User they would be very quick to paint themselves as the victim and feign ignorance as to why their partner left.

I used to have a high sex drive before children. My husband used to complain about it. Now, after two kids my sex drive has completely disappeared, which worries me (does it ever come back?). We have sex probably once or twice a month, which is a bit rubbish.
My husband has never really been one to instigate it often, so it's always been me, and now I feel like I'm coaxing myself into it!
I think the world of him though, we are still in love. Think childbirth just messes your body up.

Indeed and I expect that outcome myself.

Another rationale for waiting until the kids are older and somewhat more mature and independent is the hope that it will prevent/ease the need for them to pick sides or attribute blame.

Oh God HarmlessChap, I hate the thought that my husband knows that he will be leaving me in the future and is just sitting it out waiting for the kids to grow up before dropping the bomb.

By the time that time comes I will be older, less attractive, less employable and less able to support myself. It would feel quite cruel if he'd known all along for years. I'd definitely be living my life differently now, for instance, getting money, resources and future plans together for myself to prepare for being left.

Are the kids really happier with you staying together? They pick up on underlying tensions and staleness. I presume you have not told your wife that you'll be leaving because she will then want to split up earlier rather than waiting? I wouldn't blame her.

User147 - you sound a delight - you don't want to have sex with your husband, but he's not allowed to have sex with anyone else either?

HarmlessChap - a friend of mine is in your situation and is having a very discreet affair (helped by the fact that her DH works abroad a lot). Apart from the sex, it gives her some "me" time - someone who is affectionate, who talks to her and listens to her.

Harmless, I really couldn't see how hanging around for the kids to leave education etc will help. Like it or not it will create a tension and only grow your own resentment at having to put your life on hold.

As much as I hate the thought, I know that leaving now rather than hanging around will ultimately be the best for all if we can work the problems through to having a good life together.

I wish you luck but think you are hanging around in the hope it will lessen the blow on your kids whereas I suspect the reality is that they will pick up on the tension and wonder why you didn't leave sooner

I'm involved in the kids daily life at the moment, if I leave then I'll be in a 1 bed or studio flat so won't be able to share residency unless I force the sale of the matrimonial home, not something I would want to do before they leave home. At the moment I do the school run, I cook with them I shout at them to stop hogging the shower or laughing with them about things posted on FB etc. I'm not ready to step away from that aspect of my life quite yet.

OP (and others), I found it helped when I started to be selfish and figure out what I liked about sex. Not sure if that makes me sound a bit heartless but once I focused on the benefits of sex for me I wanted to do it a lot more! I'm sure hormones or something similar helped too though. Keep waiting for my sex drive to go away again .

Also, almost more importantly, I think I needed some free time for myself just to feel like me again in daily life. Circumstances might not allow this of course.

Harmless - I think a lot of people male and female are in our position and are waiting until the kids leave home to initiate a split. The change in societies view of marriage and the subsequent increase in divorce rate in the demographic of empty-nesters seems to bare this out. It isn't really surprising when it is so expensive to operate two households.

Lostatsea2 - I'm not convinced that the resentment and tension will overspill. Is it worse to be in a marriage as friends and parents, living together purely to raise children compared to effectively having a lone parent arrangement with the NRP being on the fringes of DCs life as they grow up?

I don't know the answer, but I figure the status quo is better than rocking the boat or splitting the family up, especially at young ages when two parents can spread the workload better and the financial aspects are so much better in a single household.

I'm feeling very guilty about the "ticking bomb" that may well go off in 10+ years though...

Keepithidden, part of me agrees to leave things alone but equally I think it's only short term. If nothing changes (and I don't expect it to) I think I'll have to announce things are over. Working up to it though.