Married sex life or lack of it

[victoriafalls555]

With so much cheating and divorces going on, I want to ask you all: How do you keep your sex life alive in a marriage with kids? Is it alive? Are you happy with it? Is your DP happy with it? How do you know?

If you're not very active, do you think your DP is fine with that, what do you do together instead? It seems to me this is a big problem in many marriages, I'm definitely struggling with loss of libido in mine. A happy sex life makes a happy marriage. Isn't it so?

Victoria im also smelling an agenda here. There are plenty of couples where its the other way round too but i suspect the DM wouldnt be interested in that unless they can twist it around to blame it on the woman when its the other way around as well.

It's not dead, just sleeping.

Occasionally wakes up and has a riot, then goes to sleep, again.

It's one aspect of what makes you more than just friends.

Oh my! I'm actually a bit offended that you guys think I'm not a real person. Or should I be flattered? Can't decide.

Victoria, are you on the pill? I was on a mini pill up until last year that killed my sex drive. It's certainly worth exploring if there's a physical cause if it's affecting your relationship. I probably wouldn't recommend the approach I took, which was to come off said pill and leave things to chance. My gorgeous 5 month old dd is the result of that decision (no regrets though obviously). You can give my method a go, it's not as difficult as you think. It seems the more often we do it the more we want it. Go on give it a go

Small houses have a lot to answer for too! Difficult to get some private space without being overheard or interrupted and as the kids get older it is really hard not to fall asleep before they do!

No, I'm not on the pill, so not excuses there. maybe just plain old laziness :-( We do live in a very small house. The kids are light sleepers and climb into our bed pretty much as soon as we go to bed.They are still very small, so I'm not ready to tackle that. We are actually going through as bit of a rough patch anyway, and need to sort a few things out before I can concentrate on the bedroom stuff, but I'm trying to figure it all out, and maybe this has contributed to our troubles (too many and too trivial to list here). I've been reading a lot of posts here and was struck by one thread especially. It was 'How do you know your DH loves you?' or something like that, and whilst a really sweet thread, there was no mention of sex in all the replies. Have we all completely taken our eye off the ball! Could it be so simple. More sex, happy marriage?!

We are actually going through as bit of a rough patch anyway, and need to sort a few things out before I can concentrate on the bedroom stuff

This is key. IME. Women and men tend to experience sex drive differently and one thing which is huge for most women (NB; it isn't exactly split down gendered lines; this is a simplification, but it does work for most) is feeling safe and secure. If you don't feel safe and secure within the relationship the desire for sex just won't be there. And unfortunately any kind of pressure for sex is actually counterproductive. You can't improve a marriage by throwing sex at it. Sex is kind of like a barometer, really. How good it is and how much you're enjoying it and how much you want it is all related to how you feel about the relationship in general and how much you've got going on in your lives.

Do you feel supported by your DH? If you don't feel supported you're likely to either be overstretched which leads to a lowered sex drive, or feel resentful, which makes you less likely to want to be intimate (not just sexually) with him.

Do you feel like an equal? If you don't then it can be the case that sex (subconsciously) starts to feel overbearing, not in a good way.

Do you enjoy it when you get into it or do you also not find it that great unless you've initiated? It can be a huge problem when sex becomes a chore, it kills your ability to find the fun and excitement in it.

You seem to be very focused on frequency where IME this is not really relevant. In marriages with a healthy sexual relationship there is ebb and flow and often a pattern where some weeks/months sex will be every day or every couple of days and sometimes weeks without any sex at all and this is a fairly normal pattern, similar to any other activity you might do for fun. Sometimes you have the mental space and the desire for it and at other times it doesn't really appeal to you as much. Most things we do would become boring if we decided that we had to do it at least once a week no matter what.

BTW, many "trivial seeming" troubles can be how we tend to experience an unequal marriage or one where emotional abuse is present. It might be worth exploring (privately) if you think this might be the case. Certainly before you try "more sex" as a solution, but better communication and just general caring for each other tends to lead to a better marriage and by extension, better/more sex.

No! Not necessarily. Everybody is different as the replies to this thread illustrate. Happy bunny -I do, but he has to accept that Sex is not important to me. I've warned him what will happen if he strays! And I'm certainly not attacking you, I'm simply putting my point on my view that we should nt always acquiesce because men want something, in answer to the Op's invitation to comment on Happy sex life-happy marriage. In mine its happy without . So the difference is, I don't open my legs go 'ooh ooh that's good 'or similar while planning next days shop!- Im honest and tell him no at the outset.

Logistics has a part to play. With very small infants and toddlers, parents working etc, tiredness plays a large part. However, they go to bed early so there is some opportunities to be alone together.
When the kids start become teens, they start staying up later, so there is less time alone when kids will be asleep. If the kids weren't in the house we'd do it once a week. It's the lack of being free to choose the time and place that ends up highlighting the 'we are not doing it often enough'. Because when you feel like doing it you can't, and when an opportunity arises to do it you have to make yourself do it.
I'd prefer to go without for weeks and have a decent session than have to 'endure' some 5min passionless, no-noise quick ones where I have to listen for footsteps near the door. But I find myself doing the latter more often because it's 5 mins out of my life every two weeks to keep our marriage going. So I lie back and think of Brexit. I used to think of Brad Pitt but since the menopause I find my mind on other things truth be told.

'lie back and think of Brexit' argghhh! That's exactly what I mean. I'm sure your partner can tell, so why not be honest? No thanks. We have the children now. If he pushes then its coercion.

I think at this point my partner is glad to any I let him have to be honest! We have had our fair share of dry spells due to babies, me having other childbirth injuries etc. Sex is important to him, it's not so important to me anymore. I see it as a chore most times, unless we are alone in the house or on away or something. It's like you take exercise because it's good for you, and sometimes the daily walk is nice and pleasant and you look forward to it, other times it's raining and windy and a pain in the ass but you still do it.
My DH never 'pushes it' or would never demand it or would never take a refusal badly or anything. If we did things my way we'd probably have sex twice a year. There is a difficulty around expectations relating to sex, men have a consistent sex drive during their lives, women have a much more fluctuating libido and physical changes, based on hormonal influences, pregancy, childbirth, demands on their time, getting up at night, then menopause etc. There is a lifespan mismatch there, but if a man was told on his wedding day that sex would stop after his wife had kids (as you say 'no thanks, we have the kids now'), I think most of us wouldn't have kids or a partner.

....chore? Well, taking your last suggestion,we wouldn't have to have sexual partners with the attendant risk, hassle and mess!. The idea- in my case- was to be honest and build a life around other things than sex. As you read elsewhere on MN, Men wont explode if they don't have sex, its not a given right . Perhaps, if we were more honest with them, they would lose this dreadful expectation they all seem to have-access to their very own sex doll.:)

It is perfectly easy to understand that infidelity is a betrayal but what I find very hard to understand is those who fail to see that unilaterally taking the decision that their partner's sex life is over isn't also a betrayal.

HarmlessChap - Unilaterally taking that decision isn't necessarily that simple. Lack of libido can simply be just that, it seems to be that it isn't often a "choice" in the way that infidelity is. So comparing the two I don't think is accurate enough.

For what it's worth, I'm going through similar to you. God knows people are probably bored of me wingeing about it on here! I've tried to speak to DW about it all... ..just doesn't seem to work, so I've had to accept that.

I know that our marriage will probably fail, but it's a choice (and in this case it is a choice) between leaving now, finding a bedsit/shared house and spending very little of my time with DCs, making DW a lone parent effectively (and all the attendant additional work) and my own selfish guilt at making that decision and the knock on effects. Or, living the next few years (15 or so) of my life until DCs move out fulfilling the responsibilities I have as a parent and trying to fulfil the promises I made when we got married. Albeit not very happily! Hobson's choice really, particularly as I'm living in the knowledge that we are very likely to split, whereas DW may well be under the impression that I have becoming accepting of the situation.

I don't think User147 is DW, but I'm having slightly paranoid thoughts now...

I do not have an expectation that I have access to my very own sex doll. The thought of that is dreadful.

If my partner does not enjoy it, want to be intimate or have sex then the thought of her going along with it for my sake is a turn off in itself.

That said, I believe that everyone is different and for me the shows of affection from holding hands through to sex is important, not every day but important nonetheless

For me it IS a key anchor of a relationship. I do understand that others may feel differently but speaking for myself, if all other reasons are discounted as to the cause (i.e. Tiredness, stress, medication, feeling of being taken for granted etc), then the outcome is two different people with different needs. For me that is not the foundation of a solid relationship.

As part of our counselling we were encouraged to look here www.5lovelanguages.com to see how we compare. It will be of no surprise which one I fit in as a primary need

I think if one person is being rejected all the time then it can be a problem. If neither of you are that bothered about sex and are good friends, partners and have a laugh then it doesn't matter, and it's none of anyone else's business.

Because when you feel like doing it you can't, and when an opportunity arises to do it you have to make yourself do it.

Spot on. The difference is though that neither of us feel like it when we have time to, so we don't make ourselves in order to fulfil some kind of relationship "quota".

I'm morbidly curious about the dynamics of these sorts of relationships.

One partner decides the physical side of things is over.

Is this a unilateral decision?

How do sleeping arrangements change? Do people still sleep in the same 5ft bed? Get dressed, etc in front of the other partner?

If my partner took that sort of decision, it would generate feelings of deep seated frustration and resentment and I'd see it as the other partner checking out of the marriage.

I've had a look at that website and TBH its not good reading. :(

Harmless- Betrayal....?? Sorry ,this implies a lacking appreciation of relationships........
Lost- agree with your first paras....but not
Asics- I can only speak for ours but we still share a bed ,usual things you mention- there is just no sexual dynamic(thankfully)

It kind of brings home what is lacking in all areas

Words only ever said in reply, I don't recall a single time in the last decade when she has said I love you rather than I love you too, or of course I love you, what a silly thing to ask.
Gifts are rarely received (Xmas birthday) but she;s clear that we shouldn't do cards or gifts for valentines or anniversaries and if I do I'm chastised as it makes her feel guilty.
Quality time, we do make some effort here but more than half the time she cancels planned date nights then proceeds to catch up with TV that she knows I dislike and/or plays candy crush. If I do spontaneous things like booking a meal as she doesn't like it as she hates having things sprung on her.

Physical touches are never volunteered, no hand put to be held, no stroke of the arm, nothing the most I can hope for is not to be pushed away if I do.
The only area there is anything positive is acts of service, we live under the same roof and do things for each other that is it.

Not a great deal that's good to focus on :(