Married sex life or lack of it

[victoriafalls555]

With so much cheating and divorces going on, I want to ask you all: How do you keep your sex life alive in a marriage with kids? Is it alive? Are you happy with it? Is your DP happy with it? How do you know?

If you're not very active, do you think your DP is fine with that, what do you do together instead? It seems to me this is a big problem in many marriages, I'm definitely struggling with loss of libido in mine. A happy sex life makes a happy marriage. Isn't it so?

Harmlesschap I think a divorce is looking like your only option, very sad for you, but at least you can't say you didn't try, it has to be a partnership, I really don't know how people stay in a sex less marriage, simply because one person has decided. So this means your sexually life is being dictated to you. And they seem to want to justify it. It's outrageous. Stop wasting your time with her. She sound incredibly selfish. You deserve better. Good luck.

Harmless- clearly there's far more at odds than simple lack of sex. I do feel sorry for you.
Leave- This whole modern(I am ageing!) sex obsession thing is ,I feel due to the endless use of it in advertising, newspapers, TV etcetc. its created this problem. You can have a perfectly affectionate life with someone without sex. You just have to think outside the box, as it were.:)

user while i completely agree no one has an automatic right to sex OR to coerce anyone into sex they dont want I really cant see why you then place such importance on him being faithful.

Arent you cherry picking the vows you want to keep and ignoring the ones you dont?

There are a hell of a lot more vows than "forsaking all others"
Its a bit "i dont want you but i dont want anyone else to have you"

Autism would explain a lot, but I've lost hope that anything will improve.

In all honesty I'm just trying to survive another 4 years until the kids have both gone to Uni then it will be crunch time.

In answer to an earlier question, my wife used to be more physical in holding hands, touching and sex which makes me think we have simply lost the way with the disruption of kids or that we have not taken the time for us. Either way we are working through that and hoping to work through any cause and reignite the spark

Reading your comments Harmless I am so sorry you have reached this point. If I'm honest your situation seems more dire than mine and in your place I don't think I could stay in that environment for more years, it would only grow resentment.

DH and I have zero sex life. We have been married for 13 years and have 2 children together. Our sex life waned 4 years ago when our second child was born and has never recovered. In 2016, we have probably had sex 3 or 4 times maximum. I am happy with that - I don't particularly enjoy sex and never have. DH is not happy with the arrangement though.

I think it's not a case of a good sex life makes happy marriage it's more a case of matched sex drives. If there is a difference then it won't be good in the main. Problem is you often don't see this until you are already married and kids come along.

To be honest I find sex with the same person week after week, year after year very dull. I would prefer an open relationship to be honest.

I'm not in a relationship at the moment and find some responses on here very harsh. I can understand women being all touched out when they've got a new baby, but there are some responses (user, I'm looking at you!) where I wonder how the marriage lasts, when there's such blatant disregard for their partner's sex life.

I've known quite a few men who've said their wives have unilaterally decided there's to be no more sex but who would go crazy if their husbands had an affair. Can anyone who's denying their partner a sex life explain why that is?

Is it perhaps we subconsciously use sex to get a man? To get children?
Is it natures way? There are so many questions, so many broken relationships and families.
Are our hormones simply incompatible once we reproduce?

user that is a huge assumption. It is insinuating that women dont like sex which is absolute rubbish.

Childfree by choice women have sex for pleasure not to reproduce.

How can it be natures way for women to be like this when its women who have a sex organ that only has one function and thats to give sexual pleasure?

What if it's the other way? I've tried and tried but but he's not interested. How long do I wait? He's good otherwise but...

I don't think it's different either way. You need to talk about it and understand if it's something you both want to change, be honest with each other and the go from there. Ultimately it will mean you find a solution, accept it will not change, or separate.

It's bloody scary but that's the journey we are on currently

Absolutely, some of us do, all our lives.
Perhaps its simply that children are usually borne through long term relationships and the desire wears off naturally, in spite of children?

Thank you lostatsea it's totally scary and in some ways feels such a selfish thing to change everyone's lives for, if we split over it. He's a great dad but just not husband, seierate rooms even, at his choice.
On the other hand, he doesn't want to change and it's lonely.

I could have almost wrote that myself but about my wife. However, she does want to work on it, as I do. My worry though is that we will never be able to get to a place we are both happy with

I'm not sure we can fix things either. Or that he wants to. Counselling was mentioned but nothing since. I'm worried it might confirm what I'm thinking but not ready to face quite yet. I hope things work out for you both lostatsea

I don't recall the last time I had sex, probably some point last year. I'm in my mid 30s with a 2yrs old kid, my husband has a crazy city job so we hardly see each other. I have lived to accept our sex life is non existence. My libido has definitely gone down the drain since giving birth but also with age. His libido has gone down cus of work stress pressure. So the last thing in his mind is sex. If he feels the urge then he rather go for a run. I know that we are both still very attracted to one another, we compliment each other all the time and says how much we love each other. I have been thinking about baby no2 but my husband is right - how can we have another one when we don't have time for oneself or each other. Having a 2nd kid will probably kill us. It's very easy for us to stray but there is more important thing to life than sex.

I live in a sexless/affectionless marriage - my husband is not interested. I hate it but cannot leave at present due to the dc.

Hi crossroads3 I was thinking the same to stay out but for how long. My dc misses nothing surely they'll pick up on the mood anyway? Or just convincing myself it's ok to consider breaking things up? Awful decision.

Stay 'PUT' that should say

Are our hormones simply incompatible once we reproduce

What a nonsense generalisation. I simply cannot relate to a word you have written user and a handmaiden I ain't.