DP has depression

[TwllBach]

And I don't know what to do.

We've been together for two years and have a 4.5 month old DS.

Three weeks ago DP had a breakdown in tesco, crying (he's not a crier) and really struggled ever since. He's seen multiple counsellors and his GP. He can't sleep and has anxiety now. He cries at the drop of a hat. I was doing my best to support him and he swears blind he loves me and wants our little family.

He sent me and DS away three nights ago claiming he needed space.

Background - he's been on antidepressants for 12 years - paroxetine. Six weeks before his breakdown he stopped taking them. He has been cutting down for the last year because he wanted to come off them but knew it would be difficult. He is now on 40mg of paroxetine but we have been told it could take up to six weeks for it to kick back in.

He went to a counsellor on Wednesday after telling us to go on Tuesday and we met him back at the house and he said he wanted more space. So I cooked tea for him and his parents and then left with DS.

We met again yesterday and he says he loves us and wants us but still needs space.

Hes staying at his mums.

I don't know what to do. Our son isn't sleeping in this new house, I'm sick with worry about DP. I don't know whether I should be letting him push us away or refusing to do so and returning home. His mum says, and so does DP and I, that he doesn't know whether he's coming or going or what he wants for breakfast. She says he's latched onto me and the baby being the problem when we aren't and we are bearing the brunt of it.

I just want to take my son back to his home. I want my family back.

What do I do? I feel sick. I feel lost.

Thankfully she is aware then!

It's hard when your child is ill, you can start to blame others like your child is. I've watched my DGM do it with my father and tbh im sure she would do the same if I was like that.

Have a look a that downloadable book I suggest op it's really good.

TwllBach It does seem that MIL is in much the same boat as you are shes probably as scared upset and frightened as you are so do your best to try to get on and understand her.

I expect she too will say some things she doesn't really mean from time to time under such duress.

Its very easy to start a war with MIL but so much harder to win the peace.

Me and MIL have been communicating really well today after that haha. He's home now, and he appears to be staying the night. We've been out for tea with some friends and I've had a nice evening so I'm hoping he has too. Fingers crossed that he has a good night now!

This all sounds good - and can I add: take it easy, and take it one day at a time. Also, I'll send warmest wishes and

Hope you had a good night op

I've tried to not have deep and meaningful conversations with him today and just have a quiet day like we would have normally. I did say, though, that if he did want to go back to his mums to sleep or whatever then that is fine by me. I know it is a day by day thing... I even said to him last week that sometimes it will be an hour by hour thing, I'm just shocked at how it has affected me! I know that's selfish and I don't think I talk about it to DP, but it has crossed my mind over the last few days that I might need medical support as well during this. S few years ago I had anxiety attacks for a few months during a rough time and I can feel myself on the brink of those at the moment.

Well hang on in there you seem to be coping a bit better then what you have done:)

If you do think you need medic support go seek it:!

I wish this was easier he had a bad day yesterday, he didn't sleep well and was in tears most of the morning. I took him to his counselling session and then had to be quite firm with him to get him to the gym - he's an exercise enthusiast, does ironman competitions etc but as part of this his desire to exercise has disappeared. I also had to be firm in getting him to take his (prescribed/recommended) sleeping pills because he didn't want to.

That sounds like I'm drugging him but he needs a good nights sleep!

All the time I'm doing this, inthe back of my head I'm thinking 'he's blaming you for this breakdown so when he's better he's going to kick you out anyway' it's so difficult. I cling on to thinking that he was happy before this but I'm so scared he will forget.

The baby was up at 3, 6 and 8 this morning after going to bed at 9. I stayed up with DP for company until we went to bed at 11 but as a consequence I'm shattered ha. I've been going to bed at 9/10 because the baby has been sleeping badly, but I know at the moment DP counts is not spending time together as a tick in the lets split up column he appears to be accumulating since his breakdown

I wish I hadn't posted that actually. I know this is all much harder for him than it is for me.

op please don't change your routine or make yourself tired to try and smooth things over with your Dp. Nothing you do will fix this. I know that you want to wave a magic wand and he suddenly gets better and goes back to his old self - but that's not going to happen. This is going to be a long journey.

You will burn yourself out being Mary Poppins and trying to manage everything whilst bending over backwards to help some one that is actually accusing you of why he is feeling like this.

Be supportive but you have to protect yourself too. If you don't your anxiety will swallow you up too and that's not fair on your son. Both of my parents - even when they split up allowed their illness to swallow up everyone in the house. It was horrible. My lovely step mother is now on anti D because my dad brought her so low on a daily basis.

Please read depression fallout it's a very easy read and will give you a lot of light bulb moments and insight to how this illness affects families and coping strategies.

Don't feel bad for thinking of your own wellbeing, you have a new baby to look after during a truly awful situation. Please do seek help for yourself, I know I would never have got through similar without support from my ohs family and antidepressants.

You are suffering from shock, sleep deprivation and your hormones are still all over the place after baby. I think you said it's your first baby too, right? You are coping better than the majority would under the circumstances. Do you have support for you too?

It's going to continue being hard for a while yet. Don't worry about needing space and time away from caring for him or you'll end up exhausted.

I can remember feeling responsible for my ohs incident too, but he's never blamed me, so don't put extra pressure on yourself. He will only remember that you've been there for him and stuck by him. If not he's not worth being with.

Sending you the massive hug you sound like you need xx

It is my first baby. I've been happier and healthier than I can ever remember since having him and the last two months (pre breakdown) I thought we were all happy.

I'm aware he blames me every now and then because I read bits of his diary in the beginning. St the very beginning he talked about suicide and would go for long walks and u was terrified he wouldn't come home, I I read the diary he started keeping. The obsessive/negative thoughts he had were based around our relationship and the longevity. On a good day I can brush this off. On a bad day it plays on my mind. I stopped reading his diary though as it felt wrong and what he wrote was the complete opposite to what he says.

Do stop reading his diary, it won't help you and he will probably be mortified if he knows you've read it. He's probably been very anxious about the responsibility of fatherhood and worried that you won't stay with him. I know you must be really hurt but he needs reassurance at the moment and isn't really capable of reciprocating.

It must be awful for you that it's happening now when you should all be the happiest and it's perfectly acceptable for you to feel sad. Have you got someone close, other than his mother, to provide you with the support you need?

Is he still at home with you or back at his mums house?

He came home to us of his own accord I don't really have anyone to confide in over this as such. I'm 300 miles from my family and although I do have good friends I'm a bit loath to share this properly as it isn't my problem as such, if that makes sense? It's DPs health, not mine.

Yes but it will affect you greatly normally and this early stage with your first baby is the time when you would usually be receiving support. You obviously can't get that support from your oh at the moment, so please confide in someone in RL and take any offers of help available too.

If you don't have anymore close get in touch with a charity such as Mind. Loving and caring for someone with acute mh issues is hard work in many ways and no one receives a medal for soldiering on.

Yes MIND, good idea that:)

here you go!.

www.mind.org.uk/

Hi ive had depression in the past and my husband was wonderfully supportive. In answer to your question it's very common for people to say 'I hate my job' 'I hate my life' and question their relationships but try to remember this is the depression talking not them, it's an illness. Tell him you love him ( that's if you do) and that you'll be there for him, he may want to stay with his parents as he doesn't wNt you to see him like this. I was petrified my husband would leave as I didn't like myself so couldn't understand why he would, I wanted to hide away until I was back to normal but he didn't bat an eye lid kept telling me I was strong and the feelings would pass, he gave me hope. Look after your child and focus on being strong for all of you, give him space if that's what he is asking for but let him know you are not going anywhere and are there for him. Husband came to appointments with me and it helped, my mum wanted to but she smothered me and I felt like a child going with her so told her I didn't need her there - but that's just me. I got over it in a few months so there is light- he will go back to being the man you know when the meds kick in but it may take a while for his self esteem to come back x

Don't read his diary again tho, better to ask him how he is feeling Id be really humiliated if someone did that x

TwllBach How are you getting on can you say?

We both had a bad day yesterday... But ended on a good night thankfully. I was at the end of my tether sleep wise and DP just didn't have a good day. At the moment he seems not to be blaming me though. So I'm grateful for that.

I'm having to be quite strict about him getting our of bed, leaving the house etc so the line between sympathising and being brusque is difficult!!

TwllBach Well this sort of illness does have bad and better times I take it the babe is sleeping alight?.

I fear that without some kind of support yourself, you'll get burntout.

You have an infant and a partner with depression. That's a lot to deal with.

I think keeping a journal for yourself would be a good idea. Write your thoughts/feelings/fears and be honest about it all.

Being a new mum is a very challenging and difficult time, where you actually need a support system for yourself. Instead you have no support, but have the additional stress of your partner.

Please look after yourself.

Join a parent and baby group.

Do something for yourself if you can.

Hi Op I just wanted to say that my oh suffers with depression and has been very ill in the last few years. We have 2 dcs (can't imagine coping with a baby - You're doing so well) . I have found it so so hard to cope with because it is. Other posters are spot on when they say look after yourself and don't feel bad about asking for help. As a result of a very very difficult 5 yrs I now see a counsellor and am on anti -ds too but don't feel bad about either. It will get better but it's a long road. Take care and very best wishes.

Baby isn't sleeping at all he's got a rotten cold and is teething. DP is taking sleeping pills, which is both a good and a bad thing. Good because I can come and go from the bed without worrying about disturbing him but bad because it means I have to get up every single time the baby cries, even though sometimes it's because his dummy falls out (I'm breastfeeding.)

I don't know who to ask for support. His MIL isn't that interested in me feeling bad which is understandable because it's her son that is poorly... And actually I didn't like his parents a lot of the time before DP was poorly, and hat is another thing that is really fuxking grating on me and wearing me down. DP loves his DM obviously and leans on her for support too, which objectively is brilliant, but I've spent a lot of time there recently and I can't bear it.

I'm just so miserable and because DP is poorly I find myself messing with the baby's routine to accommodate DP and I really feel like that is impacting on him. We had a good routine and he slept through and was happy but now he doesn't sleep and has struggled to go down the last three nights, which is genuinely NEVER happened before.

Can you get away and stay with family for a little while? It's a lot on you. When I had my first DC, I was married, my DH wasn't unwell and I still needed support, because it's really hard adjusting fro not being a mum, to being a mum.

I honestly can't imagine how you are coping. He has his mum for support and you have to be there for DC 24/7 and you're now sleep deprived on top of everything else.

Why don't you make an appointment with your GP and see what support you can get. If nothing else, you can run the idea of getting away for a bit past your GP, then tell DP that your GP has said in the interest of you the mother needing support and some sleep, that getting away would be a good idea.

I'm worried you'll end up with PND if you don't have a break and some sleep.