DP has depression

[TwllBach]

And I don't know what to do.

We've been together for two years and have a 4.5 month old DS.

Three weeks ago DP had a breakdown in tesco, crying (he's not a crier) and really struggled ever since. He's seen multiple counsellors and his GP. He can't sleep and has anxiety now. He cries at the drop of a hat. I was doing my best to support him and he swears blind he loves me and wants our little family.

He sent me and DS away three nights ago claiming he needed space.

Background - he's been on antidepressants for 12 years - paroxetine. Six weeks before his breakdown he stopped taking them. He has been cutting down for the last year because he wanted to come off them but knew it would be difficult. He is now on 40mg of paroxetine but we have been told it could take up to six weeks for it to kick back in.

He went to a counsellor on Wednesday after telling us to go on Tuesday and we met him back at the house and he said he wanted more space. So I cooked tea for him and his parents and then left with DS.

We met again yesterday and he says he loves us and wants us but still needs space.

Hes staying at his mums.

I don't know what to do. Our son isn't sleeping in this new house, I'm sick with worry about DP. I don't know whether I should be letting him push us away or refusing to do so and returning home. His mum says, and so does DP and I, that he doesn't know whether he's coming or going or what he wants for breakfast. She says he's latched onto me and the baby being the problem when we aren't and we are bearing the brunt of it.

I just want to take my son back to his home. I want my family back.

What do I do? I feel sick. I feel lost.

Spoke to soon haha I've just fed him but he's gone straight back to sleep.

I do feel like I'm going crazy though.

Do you think I should ask to read his diary? He's been keeping one since he fell ill. Maybe it would help me understand him better?

twllbach you poor thing . What an awful thing to be going through. As if life isn't tough enough with a new baby. Having to cope with your dp's depression on top is so tough. It sounds like you're doing a great job. You really do need to focus on you and your baby though as you have no idea how long your dp's depression will last and it could go on for months.

I went through similar with my exdp. He came off his meds and within weeks had a break down. He never really recovered though and has stayed in his depression for over 18 months now. I couldn't cope and we ended up splitting up. We too have a dc together. We sold the family home and have now moved into separate homes.

I couldn't believe how selfish his depression made him. His personality completely changed and I no longer recognised the once wonderful, caring compassionate man he was. His world became all about him and how no one understood him. His relationships with everyone around him has changed and not for the better. I still look at him and think 'who the hell are you' it's like his body has been taken over by someone else.

I hope your dp is able to work through it. It's good that he's seeking the right help. Hopefully his meds will kick in soon and get his mind functioning properly again. In the meantime all you can do is hang on in there. You do need to be home with your baby though rather than moving around to give him peace. The baby has to come first whether your dp likes it or not.

Hugs to you.

I'm so sorry that happened to you, that's awful. Has he not got better at all?

I've woken up feeling sick. My mind is racing with what happens if DP comes to see us today and tells us to leave. I do feel a bit like I'm clinging on to my own sanity here.

dS is still asleep though which is such a massive turnaround from the last few days!

He has some good days but then goes back to being depressed again. He'd had bouts of depression before and eventually bounced back but this one he struggled with and never really came out of it. We don't talk much now as he says it's too difficult for him. It's such a shame as our relationship was really good before the depression hit and we were together a long time.

How did you cope with that?

Mental illness is a tough one because the sufferer struggles and those around them can suffer too. It is very hard for you and there is not a great deal you can do because it is up to the one suffering to try to get it sorted out. You just need to be there and offer your love and support.

There are things you can do to help when suffering and these include taking lots of exercise even if just walking, cutting out alcohol completely and eating foods that help. Sometimes depression actually make you want to do the exact opposite, drink more, eat crap and sit around all day but you can help yourself by working against these thought. CBT therapy is useful, especially for the anxiety.

As for your worries, I was tought in CBT that you should only worry about something that you actually know is going to happen and anything else should be parked until it actually happens. An example of this is you have a job interview tomorrow. You know this is happening and it is normal to feel a little bit anxious about it. You may also think that the interviewer is going to be horrid and give you a tough time and become anxious at the thought. This is not a current worry as you don't know this is going to happen.

Worrying about him leaving you is not a real worry yet

I've accepted it now as we're a year on since the break up. I struggled really badly with the break up at first even though it was me who initiated it. I was hoping he'd somehow come out of the depression and we could start again. He had bouts of sounding really cocky and it was as though he thought he could come back any time he wanted. Then he told me he'd asked someone else out and it became clear we were going in different directions. My heart was broken at the time but I feel so much better now.

It is so true when people say the only one who can help a depressed person is themselves. He wouldn't do excercise, or change his medication. He was too scared to try. The alternative was for him to watch everything else fall away from him as nobody could cope with his behaviour. It really was all such a sorry mess.

This is terrifying.

Don't be terrified. Every situation is different and hopefully your outcome won't be anything like mine. I don't think my dp was honest with me. I think he struggled with becoming a parent as that's when a lot of the problems started. He seems to be having some sort of midlife crisis and I do believe he thought the grass would be greener once he left.

I do wander now how much he really wanted out anyway and if I was the cause of his depression, had he just had enough of the relationship? Either way it doesn't matter now as time has moved us both on. He spends lots of time with his dc and their relationship is strong and that's all that matters now.

What concerns me is that he was happy to throw his partner and baby out for his "space", when he could apparently have just taken himself off to his parents. Depression does awful things to people but that is particularly callous and selfish.

Depressed people need support but they do also need to take responsibility for their mental health, as a pp said.

op please read depression fall out it's a fantastic book about families dealing with some one with depression. You can download it on iPhone ect..

I've grew up with my mother having depression who still has it and then my father now has it.

I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug because this road your ok is going to be a very very long one.

From bitter experience op you need to protect you and your ds. DO NOT rely on your dp for anything, nothing financial, nothing to do with your home life.

Depression is fucking awful and robs family members.

Good luck love

There are loads of websites with information and also forums with people going through the same thing. I found them helpful when I was dealing with exdp's depression. Hope the links work.

www.mypartnerisdepressed.com/forum/

www.storiedmind.com

Thank you all so much. I cried down the phone at MIL this morning because she said he had a bad night last night when he'd had a good night the night before... I feel like I'm his head that will be proof that it's me that is the problem because we are back in his house and stuff. But then logically we saw him both days so it probably isn't us.

I'll have a look at all those websites thank you. I don't really have RL support and this means a lot.

It's very common for people to blame partners, jobs, where they live, their family.. Anything for their depression as they feel so bad they need something to blame. There is a reason for his depression and it's that he came off his meds. If he was well on them when you met him and throughout the pregnancy l would be hopeful he will be well again. My dh suffers from depression and this is my advice for now. Trust me l have a lot of experience with this. My advice is look after yourself and your baby.. Try to continue as much as possible with your own routine. Go to mom and toddlers, see friends, watch movies, read books just try and mind yourself. You are not responsible for his depression. He was depressed before he ever met you. He needs time now.. Depression takes time. Step back a little bit. Don't let your mind go into overdrive. And if you feel this relationship is not for you you aren't a bad person to end it..

TwllBach Just a question if I may please.
When he was on Paroxetine/ Seroxat what was he like can you say?, stable OK liveable with or not?.

Also why did he come off that?, and when he came of that was it tapered that's to say the dose was slowly reduced or did he just stop taking it?.

Finally was he offered any other antidepressants ?.

If you know any of the above that is at the moment!.

As to;

Thank you all so much. I cried down the phone at MIL this morning because she said he had a bad night last night when he'd had a good night the night before... I feel like I'm his head that will be proof that it's me that is the problem because we are back in his house and stuff. But then logically we saw him both days so it probably isn't us.

Err No, it isnt you, his moods will alter quite a bit, nature of the illness.

One thing your MIL can do is make sure he does take any prescribed meds MH patients are notorious for not doing so! she ought ot see that he actually takes them. If he disagrees with taking anything then please get his GP or HM consultant informed that is important.

BTW its OK to cry down the phone to MIL or anyone else, its just fine. Your putting up with a lot there and guess what?, I've cried too, buckets many years ago when I was going through the same that you are!.

He's been absolutely fine for the 12 years he was on the pills, but he's wanted to come off them for a couple of years and put it off because he was starting a business, working for qualifications, lazy, having a baby etc.

He has been tapering down for about a year in the view to applying for a volunteer position where you have to declare antids. He came off them so he didn't have to lie about them but he was already down to a very small dose. Six weeks in he did a week of training for this volunteer position and it raised lots of moral questions for him. I'm glad you asked that actually because I'm still busy thinking I'm the trigger but actually, we did decide it was this training.

I just want to say something about the particular anti depressant he is on . Parotextine is really hard to come off especially if you have been taking it for some time . It can be as hard to come off as heroin if you research it . I think it is not the depression coming back as regards to what is going on his life but the change in brain chemistry coming off the drugs . I have recent experience of this myself and have never got into such a state before in my life . Was he taking that higher dose originally . It seems very high to me . I really think this drug should be banned . Doctors are far to quick to prescribe these drugs which I think should only be used as a last resort . I have a lot of sympathy for you both .

Sorry just seen your last post and that makes sense that he was coming off the drugs at a stressful time( training course) so that is similar to me . What dose did he get down to ?

You're right, this particular drug is a bitch. I know the doctor has put him on 40mg to get him through this... How did you get through your experience if you don't mind me asking?

Oh he was down to 10mg every couple of days before he stopped them completely

I took seroaxt for stress when I was 30 and it had a wonder effect on me and I managed to come off it completely fine because I was only on it for six months . I started taking it at a very low dose for anxiety think to do with the peri menopause as it was worse at certain times . I decided I wanted to come off it as didn't feel it was helping and had been very slowly coming off it and was down to about o.3 ml in liquid form ! However I did something I was really anxious about . Flying to Italy . Worked myself up and next day felt physically ill . Triggered a panic attack and then a continuous agitated feeling that lasted three days . We had to get emerg doctor out who gave me a Valium ! That did the trick and I was able to enjoy the rest of the holiday to some extent and took another one to fly home . Now I am on 2.5 but I really want to get off this drug . Doctors have refereed me to healthy minds so I can have cbt and I still have my pack off Ativan which I will take if I get in a state again . Doctors won't prescribe tranquilizers long term but these anti depressants are just as bad in my opinion.

op you are not the trigger, honestly your not. Even if he says you are. The illness blames every fucker apart from itself.

I'd be supportive but try not to call his mum so much as you need to focus on making sure you and your son is ok, because your son is your priority - just like your dp is at his mothers being looked after.

About six months ago My father walked out on his amazing wife (DSM) walked out of his job, took hundreds of pounds out of the bank, went missing, got absolutly wasted then turned up at my DGM. How my DSM scrapped together the strength to then to go pick him up and take him to GP and support him while he still blames her work, his BIL, the car, every fucking thing - I don't know. She deserves better.

I genuinly believe that long term depression can actually change a persons personality. It's really hard to fix as if it was a broken arm you could put a plaster on it or if it was an infection take tablets till you can see it's gone.

But with MH it's invisable do a lot of the time the sufferer thinks that actually they are ok and come off the tablets (my mothers trick) to which then a black cloud would creep over the house and suffocate us all - resulting in various suiside attempts and hospital admissions.

In all honesty after what me and my brother put up with and seen, if my now DH started with recurring depression id leave and take the DC, hardh I know.

Once again good luck and do your best to protect yourself - NONE of this is your fault no matter what he says - or his mother.

I agree you are definitely not the trigger . My DP has been incredibly supportive . The brain chemistry will be affecting his thoughts and feelings so try not to take anything personally . All I can say is I really appreciate my DP for his support when I really struggled . I am going to back out of this thread now though as I realise it is relationships and not the mental health threads.

MIL called me because she knows I worry. She called me to say he'd had a bad night etc... She then rang back a few hours later because she realised what she had said sounded like she was blaming me!