Help! Scaring boyfriend away with marriage talk!

[Mopsy]

This is so embarrassing! I can't confess this to my 'real' friends so I need mumsnetters to come to the rescue please!

Here I am, self-sufficient, happy, stable, independent single mum of two, about to get her act together and go to uni at last. I've had a somewhat chequered relationship history (few relationships but intense and usually long term) and have been seeing a completely wonderful guy for a year. For the first time ever, I feel completely right with him and want so much to commit to spending the rest of my life with him.

He was very hurt when his first marriage ended and says he has built up walls in defence that he may never be able to break down. Before we started seeing eachother he did ask me what I felt about marriage; I replied that I hoped that one day I'd feel right about doing it with someone, but if that person never came along no problems.

So I certainly didn't start out hunting for a husband!

However, since about three months into the relationship I've been convinced that I want to marry him.....and yes I've committed the ultimate 'Rules' sin and have actually asked him(about 3 times!). He's been fairly good natured and brushed it off lightly but it's started to cause problems, for me at least.

I'm starting to feel used, and hurt that he doesn't feel the same as me, and he admits that because of past pain he finds it difficult even to discuss. He's been frightened that I'll leave him to find someone who'll give me what I want, although I've assured him that it's him I want, as dh or dp! But I still can't seem to stop going on about it. I don't care about any details such as dresses or ceremony, I just crave the commitment from him and to be able to proudly say 'this is my dh...'

Am I being a pathetic romantic fantasist? What were your experiences of knowing you'd found 'the one'? Please, any suggestions on how to calm down and preserve my otherwise happy relationship very welcome.

many thanks, Mopsy

Sorry Jasper, my message was a reply to your earlier post about Divorce, not your recent posts.

Oh god I'm sure I'm boring everyone completely rigid with all this, BUT can you help? I think I've 'found' the reason behind my insecurity and fear - when dp met me last year, he was in a relationship which I did not know about. He ended it six weeks after meeting me (before anything at all had happened between us). For the next 3 months we both suffered as his ex-girlfriend inflicted her rage/jealousy on us; turning up at the local making sarcastic comments, phoning his friends that she'd been introduced to ask what I was like.........

He has told me that they weren't serious, and that fundamentally he never loved her and never told her he did. But, like me, he introduced her quickly to his friends and his dd, and made some plans (eg they split in Aug, were due to go on holiday in Oct) so she must've thought they were reasonably stable.

So you see why I'm worrying! I guess I'm looking for him to prove to me that I'm different from her. Do you think I should explain this to him?

in a word, yes!

If he is 'the one' you must communicate your worries, no matter how silly they might be. That is the reason for most problems in relationships, lack of communication.

Simonhoward, a quick (but late) response to an earlier post to me. The need for someone to make me feel 'worthwhile' is a deep seated insecurity of mine. In my head I don't need someone else to prove I'm a great person, but illogically sometimes I do. What I mean is that when I am feeling down (not often, but sometimes) I look at my DH and think that if someone so wonderful loves me, than I must be OK!! Also having a sense of security gives me the strength of belief in myself to go out and acheive things that I might have been wary to try. If that makes sense. For me (and my DH) we can be a bit insecure and unhappy with ourselves, but we have found since getting married that 1 + 1 = 3 (or more!). And it was the actual act of marriage that has made the difference. I can't explain why, I just know the night of our wedding we looked at each other and said 'yes, we are different, and better'. This was with the man I knew I would marry the night we met!

Dp turned up wild-haired on the doorstep yesterday sunburned, smelly and with a week's growth on his chin (mmm yum), took me in his arms and said 'you don't know how much I've missed you'...bit of an emotional reunion I guess.

I must not mention the m-word
I must not mention the m-word
I must not mention the m-word

Thanks for all your sage advice everyone. It has really helped me to at least attempt to get a grip and recover a little self-control! Mopsy xx

Mopsy, NO YOU MUST NOT!!! Well done. Keep it up. Remember - you'll have to confess here if you do

Resist at all costs Mopsy!

Glad you had a lovely reunion - he sounds delicious! Good luck, Salalex xx

I also love the facial growth they get after about a week... just love that stubble. Can't understand women that don't like it!!! Anyway glad it went well for you Mopsy.

LiamsMum

As a long term stubble grower I can honestly say you are in a minority.

The amount of female friends that have tried to get me to start shaving over the last decade is great.

For some reason they always said that they hated the stubble burn it gave. I wouldn't have minded if I had ever manged to give any of them stubble burn but alas it was not to be.

I loathe stubble as I always think it goes hand in hand with unbrushed teeth( which of course is not necessarily true). Yeuch!

Lol Simonhoward... can't say I've ever worried TOO much about stubble burn, you just have to try to avoid it somehow. Jasper I must admit I don't like it when it's gone too far, like after a couple of weeks when it starts to look like a scruffy attempt at growing a beard. I just like the first week when it's only stubble. Think it looks very masculine and appealing - I know my dh looks much better with a bit of stubble. (Sorry Mopsy we've gone off track a bit here!!!!)

Simon

All my female friends admit to finding a few day's stubble very attractive, masculine and sexy. But it doesn't suit everyone - maybe your friends are just telling you that you look better clean-shaven?

Jasper

Know what you mean, luckily dp's personal hygiene is excellent! He's an all-organic vegetarian, so unlike me, he doesn't even get smelly breath in the morning!

Liamsmum

In the dim and distant past I have had horrendous cases of stubble rash on my face and worse (sorry too much information) but dp's is very soft even when just a day or two's worth so no problem.

mopsy - Just joined this discussion - There's a book you might like to read. 'The Cinderella Complex' by Colette Dowling. It might be out of a print now, but I'm sure you can order a second-hand copy from albris?? books on the web. Or does amazon do second hand books?

You might find it useful.

Mopsy

Most of them seemed to have this terror of any facial hair on a man as well as the stubble burn problem so I just put it down to that.

I do try to keep my stubble shorter than my hair though so it doesn't look too bad (dw likes it so I'm not gonna rock the boat).

The only problem with it all is that it sometimes acts like one side of velcro when there are fluffy things around.