husband threatens divorce in arguments

[Footy1]

I don't know what to do as every big argument we have my husband threatens divorce. We had a big row (I'd like to think was a row but I hardly said anything) he shouted over me the whole time. He is such an angry man who loses his temper quickly. He hates being wrong, so if I point something out he shouts and swears at me to shut up, calls me unkind words and says no wonder he wants a divorce. He then storms off for a few hours sometimes a whole night to stay at his office.

I find this so hurtful and upsetting, I never get to finish what I was saying and he just swans back in the next day like nothing has happened. I feel bullied. Don't know how to handle it.??

For extra amusement, put the duvet on the step as well.

Get angry!

Stop talking to him. Ignore and blank him. He will get angry again and lose his temper. When he says he wants a divorce, look him directly in the eye and reply ... So I do. I gave you another chance but you haven't changed. Find yourself a couch for the night and figure out where you will be living while we go through the split.

Then stop talking again.

He will get a shock. He will beg and plead, etc. Tell him if he means it, then he will need to leave for a week because that is how long it will take YOU to calm down - you are that angry with HIM.

People who shout in arguements get very quiet when they are extremely angry. (And people who aren't shouty typically get very shouty when extremely angry.). So your extreme anger while not shouting will be recognisable to him but also bewildering.

Yvaine
As they are married, the OP's husband has home rights, which means that she needs to seek professional advice (from WA and/or a solicitor as I suggested) before she can change the locks.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/relationship-breakdown-and-housing/if-you-re-married-or-in-a-civil-partnership-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/if-you-re-married-or-in-a-civil-partnership-and-you-rent-your-home-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/relationship-breakdown-and-housing-rights-to-stay-if-your-spouse-or-civil-partner-rents-the-home/

A roll of binbags and a locksmith. Sorted.

Yes this. You could have it sown up by teatime and have yourself a lovely sleep tonight without the feeling in your stomach.

Fuck this shit - get rid. Take the upper hand and tell him he seemed so desperate for that divorce you have given him a helping hand by doing his packing for him. Oh and add a 'fuckity bye' at the end, always a great way to end a relationship.

Ah.

My mistake. In which case, make an appointment with a solicitor, OP.

Keep those kids in mind.

My EA ex only had a few items as well. I think it was to make it easy for himself to move out. From what I gather he did this to every partner and spent all his adult life having to move out of women's homes.

There are issues with changing the locks.
But, in the same situation, I was advised there aren't issues with putting an extra lock on.

So did your DC move schools for you to be nearer to him? Or isn't that applicable? People who threaten divorce like this actually think it's your worst fear. I honestly think you need to seperate and he needs to get it in his head, that you are capable, able and willing to live without him in your life.

He can only change if he really wants to. I think that temper is such a part of him, he can't shake it off without proper therapy. Even then it doesn't always work.

Yvaine

He won't ever change for real, only temporarily till he gets what he wants: you - back under his control.
Break free!

He sounds awful, his behaviour is not normal at all, and the moments of "good" behaviour don't make up for the nasty stuff!

I'd not go for the flouncy/confrontationsl route with an angry man.

I'd plot it quietly, until I had all my ducks in a row (solictor, paperwork, a separate bank account he cannot touch, friends/family on speed-dial, plan for back up (brothers? Friends? Cousins?) to be there when you ask/tell him to leave.

Plan plan plan

I'm with Baby. Plotting and ducks.

I'd not go for the flouncy/confrontationsl route with an angry man.
I agree. He's unpredictable. Say as little as possible. I would not recommend antagonising him at all, it could compromise your safety. He shows signs of being personality disordered and in that case, will not have the same, fairly predictable thought processes as the rest of us. Expect the unexpected from him.
Remember you need to be about actions not words.

Footy - I'm sorry you are in this horrible situation.

You said it your OP that he s a very angry man who loses his temper quickly. I'm wondering how he copes at work and socially . Does he often lose jobs because of his outbursts at work ? What happens when he shouts and threatens colleagues or his boss ?

What about with his friends? Does he lose friends all the time because of his angry behaviour ? Does he have convictions for assault of breach of the peace? Is he in trouble with the police a lot ?

You say that he loses his temper if you say something wrong . What happens when a family member or someone in a shop /pub / restaurant says something that annoys him ? Does he yell abuse at them and get thrown out / the police are called ?

Or does he save it all for you, Footy?

I ask because you say that he's had counselling to help him manage his anger. So I'm guessing he's angry , threatening and verbally abusive in many situations and probably has a police record.

No he has no police record. He owns his business and yes seems to fall out with his employees. He does lose staff occasionally from difference of opinions.

He has never physically hurt me and I don't think he would either, he struggles with coping to control his temper as his mum is similar. He just has no skills to quickly turn a bad situation around. He hardly ever apologises although having said that it takes him time to say sorry for swearing and shouting. He never seems to take on board my feelings. Often blames me, and we go round in circles trying to get an agreement.

Oh and he doesn't have many friends. He's ex army.

Apparently I wind him up. He said that I drive him to insanity. ? I know he was just lashing out verbally. Idiot!

It's a bit of a messy situation, he has a son from prev relationship. So he's due to come here at weekend. I'm not going to play happy families and don't want to put on a false show either. Feel like something needs to b discussed b4 tomorrow.

This is a terrible situation for your children to live in. A man with an explosive temper, who often gets angry with them. How frightening for them.

I think you need to put them first and leave this man. This will damage your children and they will grow up knowing you didn't protect them.

I'm a bit confused why you say he struggle to control his temper. Yet he's never lost his temper with a client, or with any authority figure , such as his superior when he was in the army. Last time I checked you didn't get swear and shout at your commanding officer in the armed forces.

Maybe no one " wound him up " there, perhaps he never had to deal with any difficult situations, maybe no one ever disagreed with him and he always got his own way .

And in civilian life - he's never been arrested? So he's managed to control his temper with everyone he's ever dealt with in public for his whole life .

It seem to me as an outsider that he has NO trouble at all controlling his temper. When he wants to .

And when he's not getting his own ways he uses his anger to control other people . It he shouting , yelling and verbal abuse are behaviours that he can turn on and off again at will, to make sure he gets his own way .

That makes his a person with control issues, not anger issues.

Anger management cannot help someone like this. He doesn't need it, he's managing his anger just fine.

I know he's had difficult situations at work and lost temper there with his employees. One left as they were fed up of being spoken to rudely. His ex gf left him as he lost his temper with her (she did a runner whilst he was visiting fam). He openly told me about it.
He never chased her..

Then met me. I guess I thought he would change as he said he wanted to. He openly admits he has a temper/anger issue to me and that when he's annoyed he can't help but verbally lash out, storm off to calm down. His mum is always saying the same that he needs time to cool off.

I know what I was taking on, so I feel I've completely messed up. I do wind him up, I'm a hedgehog and he's a rhino. But doesn't matter if I was a rhino - he'd still do the same. Can't win. You are right - he likes to control everything to think his way.
He has got a soft part of him and that's what I fell in love with.

It's all such a mess. I've started the process.. Contacted CAB, and looked at lots of the links online. Feeling upset as u can imagine.

I don't feel at danger or anything, just hurt by his words and actions.

I'd not go for the flouncy/confrontationsl route with an angry man

I'd plot it quietly, until I had all my ducks in a row (solictor, paperwork, a separate bank account he cannot touch, friends/family on speed-dial, plan for back up (brothers? Friends? Cousins?) to be there when you ask/tell him to leave.

I'm another one with Baby. Start your planning OP and try not to feel sorry for him. He is busy destroying your happiness and doesn't feel any responsibility for the health of your marriage. He is the one destroying the marriage. Well done for contacting CAB etc. It's hard but you are absolutely doing the right thing for your dcs.

his last gf did a runner whilst he was visiting family

I wonder why that was?

One thing- you don't wind him up; he allows himself to be wound up. If he is serious about wanting to change it is up to him to get help to STOP himself getting wound up.