husband threatens divorce in arguments

[Footy1]

I don't know what to do as every big argument we have my husband threatens divorce. We had a big row (I'd like to think was a row but I hardly said anything) he shouted over me the whole time. He is such an angry man who loses his temper quickly. He hates being wrong, so if I point something out he shouts and swears at me to shut up, calls me unkind words and says no wonder he wants a divorce. He then storms off for a few hours sometimes a whole night to stay at his office.

I find this so hurtful and upsetting, I never get to finish what I was saying and he just swans back in the next day like nothing has happened. I feel bullied. Don't know how to handle it.??

What about his vows ? Do you think he is cherishing them ?

I'd call his bluff. Next time he says it, I'd pull a pre-prepared check list of things to be done out of a drawer and start talking through them.

I'd warn him that if he storms off he'd be returning home to packed bags.

Ha! x-post, AF

A husband should treat you as his queen, support, encourage and want to work through differences with love and respect. But more than anything the relationship should be unconditional. He should not use divorce as a means to control your feelings. This man doesn't deserve you. Get rid or give him a good talking to.

Would you die for him? Would he die for you? Do you feel that without question. If not then you have your answer.

You deserve to feel like you are his everything. It's certainly how my hubby makes me feel. After almost 12 yrs I'm more in love with him this second than I ever have been.

Eh?
I wouldn't die for my husband. I wouldn't want him to die for me.
I'd stay alive for my children and I'd expect him to do the same!

Another Emma, I do not have children. It's the most extreme form of love I could imagine to put as an example in my reply. I didn't intend for anyone to use it personally.

And yes, I'd die for my husband, before anyone asks.

I agree with everything AnotherEmma has posted.
There is EVERY CHANCE it will escalate and you will end up divorcing 10 years down the line instead. Do it now and you can have 10 happy years ahead instead. Feel lucky he is not your DC's father and you can get this abusive tosspot out of your life for good.
'Nice' H will be in evidence less and less and be replaced increasingly with nasty H. He has to be nice to you from time to time to keep your hopes up your relationship will get back to how it was in the beginning, when he calculatedly reeled you in.
It won't.

Be ready to tell him you're ready to sign the divorce papers the next time he says it- if you want to wait till then.

Don't have a man threaten you like this and don't tolerate him treating your kids like that either.

They will remember this as they grow up and see you as the mum who didn't protect them from his temper.

I think this is really a marriage that shouldn't have happened. The red flags were there.

Some really good solid points there. You ladies are strong and I'm hoping I'll be feeling that tomorrow.

Tonight he's sleeping downstairs as refuses to discuss it and wants his sleep. The anger is boiling in me already on this one. So I'm making notes on all these points so I can be strong and get my thoughts heard.

It is unacceptable! And I do know that. If any of you wrote the same I'd probably be saying the same but when u are in that moment the hurt and upset take over. I don't really have much support in an area I moved for him I only have playground friends and church friends. Family didn't agree with the marriage in first place (I wonder why?).

Truly fed up with his attitude. Thanks again..

"I'm making notes on all these points so I can be strong and get my thoughts heard."

If you're planning to tell him what for and hoping that he will listen to you and maybe even take on board what you're saying (as opposed to pissing all over it)... Can I gently suggest that you revise your expectations.

If you want someone to really hear you, you will need to talk to someone who isn't your abusive husband. Preferably one of those people I've already mentioned (Women's Aid, counsellor, friends, family).

Anyway, I'm glad you're taking the comments. But at some point - preferably sooner rather than later - you're going to have to stop trying to engage with him (which will be a backwards not a forwards step) and WALK AWAY. I mean mentally/emotionally and not just physically.

taking the comments on board

Forget wasting energy beating yourself up for marrying this man. Everyone makes mistakes, no-one leads a perfect life. What's important is to learn from it and to do what you need to do now. Knowing H will be nasty in a divorce is off-putting but only highlights the need to do it even more. Be strong for your DC, get support from friends and family. Don't be embarrassed to 'fess up and admit you made a mistake marrying him. Most people are probably ignorant of what emotional abuse means and I imagine will be surprised when you tell them it happened to you.

You won't get "heard" love

Are you still hoping you can convince him to treat you decently ?

Flogging.

Dead horse.

Footy it's very easy to read a post and reply with LTB, but the reality of actually doing that isn't easy. There are a few links on here that look helpful, but you sound like you already know deep down that things can't go on like this.

Do you have any contact at all with your family?

Yep, very likely a waste of time going through your reasons for feeling so unhappy with him. It will just give him ammunition when he denies everything and turns the blame on you.
Your mantra needs to be actions not words. Play your cards close to your chest. Only discuss your feelings with supportive people such as the ones suggested by AE.

May I ask why your family didn't think you should marry him?

I've been here, it's awful and you feel weak and powerless but you need to take back your power and leave him. Then be prepared for him to try and win you back as he doesn't actually want a divorce he just wants to shut you up and have everything his way. I remember trying to explain over and over and he wouldn't listen to me. He was also horrible to my 2 kids from a previous relationship but because there were nice times I mistakenly thought maybe we could fix things. I left him on my 3rd attempt (I kept crumbling) and wish I'd done it sooner. My children were noticeably happier within days of moving out and I've slowly regained some confidence and happiness again. Leave his bullying ass!!

My thread if you want a look: (I got really good advice)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2134477-how-to-deal-with-someone-who-threatens-to-end-relationship-but-never-does?pg=1&order=

Sending waves of strength to you-take back your power and your children's happiness. X

Be prepared for him to question your mental health. You must be crazy to want to leave a catch like him, right?
It happens all the time.

This man is not 'working on your relationship'. He is doing nothing to repair the damage and he is abusing you. Oh, and he's not sorry - he expects you to go back to normal every time after he has pressed the nuclear button.

Well OP, you will do well if you only stay in this marriage a year. And yes, next time he threatens divorce I would take him up on it. Although, as you say, he doesn't actually want to up and leave - no! he would want to make life as difficult as possible for you. Properly leaving and slamming the door behind him would be far too neat.

This used to happen to me with my EA XH. He would escalate the argument and finish it off with threatening divorce or saying 'let's split up then'. This was an effective way of getting me to back down. I would be virtually grovelling in despair to make it better. The start of the disagreement might be trivial - ludicrously trivial, like, how best to cook fishfingers - but it would end with him threatening divorce and me going 'No please don't say that!' and crying because it was so sodding hurtful.

That is exactly the effect your H wants to have, just as my XH did. Horrible, cruel and unforgiveable. He doesn't love you. I thought I could repair the marriage too. I was misguided. I thought he loved me, but it took a long time to realise (duh!) that someone who could treat me with such contempt had no love for me. He would also confuse me by sometimes saying he did love me, and then starve me of affection and any kindness.

You need to get your ducks in a row. This nasty man won't make it easy for you. Get support from your family - they obviously want you away from this man. And get the number of a good family lawyer - specifically ask if they have experience of abusive spouses.

If you need him to move out, I suspect he won't go if he thinks that you actually want him to go. So you need to be subtle. Perhaps he might 'decide' that he needs some space... let him go, agree reluctantly that he might be right etc.

You will be far better off without him. Have no doubt that he is horribly abusive and that you need to get you and your dcs out of his orbit. Good luck.

How are you doing this morning OP? How are things?

Thanks everyone.

Nothing much has happened since last night (apart from a sleepless night for me) as I said he refused to talk to me as he wanted to sleep downstairs on sofa. I was dismissed.

He's left for work and didn't come upstairs at all. No goodbye or anything.
So another day with this sick feeling..
I'm the sort of person who likes to know where I stand so the anxiety is eating me up inside.

Zumber & hillfarmer that's exactly it. He's not going to make it easy at all.
Before we got married we split up for this very reason so when my family knew we were getting married they had their doubts. I was a mess before from the emotional rollercoaster and he acted terribly. Kept turning up for a row and waiting outside til I opened the door. I missed him (the good times). We didn't live together then. He did get counselling for his anger and we did a marriage course. I thought he changed. He made promises to me and yes I felt like a queen and loved. As pressure built up (not only in relationship) but in work he becomes angry and I get the brunt of it.

The row we had to start this is embarrassing to say but was about the duvet. He kept saying I was pulling the duvet and too far on his side. Ridiculous I know! In defence I said it was him and then he called me this and that and lost it.

I like the comment keeping things close and not try to reason with him now. He's made it clear what he wants as far as I'm concerned.
The rental property is in my name with everything in it. He only has clothes and books so I don't want to move. He can..

"The rental property is in my name with everything in it. He only has clothes and books so I don't want to move. He can."

I'm glad the flat's in your name, that's good, but he probably won't go willingly. You will need advice from Women's Aid and probably a solicitor (you could ring the free Rights of Women helpline) on practical and legal ways to make him leave. And crucially staying safe in the process.

No need to feel sick - you know exactly where you stand with him. Somewhere between 'people I have contempt for' and 'the shit on my shoe.'

So, don't waste your day waiting for His Lordship to lower himself to speak to you and make you feel like you're worth something.

Use it to make some plans to get the hell out of there - if you're so ground down by the pompous little wanker that you can't do it for your own sake, do it for your children.

Get them away from the arsehole.

I know just what you mean about that anxious feeling. But surely you don't want to be like this in another year. I don't know what his problem is, but he is not treating you well. It is indeed time for him to go and stay elsewhere. Please don't worry about what family and friends think, that's the least important thing. And anyway they will respect you more for not allowing you and your kids' lives to become so unpleasant.

He only has his clothes and books and everything is in your name?

Oh, this is grand. You can sort everything out by lunchtime.

A roll of binbags and a locksmith. Sorted.

I wish I could be there to see the dickhead's face.