Did anyone get woo-ed back by husband?

[JonWeaver]

We're midway through an in-house separation. 8yrs married. We have a 5yr old daughter. We've decided we will try again in a few weeks. I love her, and still fancy the knickers off of her. One of the reasons we separated was that she had been secretly texting another man behind my back. I'm very thankful it had not got too far. He had been pushing it, ending supposed innocent texts with 'xx'. She had stopped defending our marriage, lost love for me and should have nipped it in the bud. She'd changed his name in phone to cover it. When we move forward, I want a better, more alive relationship. Like the early days. I'm no supermodel, but not ugly. In fact I'm very much more attractive than 8yrs ago. I don't want a wife who sticks with me through obligation, or safety. I want her ovaries jangling when I walk into the club. I want to be her world once again, as she is mine. Did any ladies here re-fall in love again, and can you think what brought it about?

I was. I left. He fought for me. I didn't expect him to. He was persistent and changed some fairly firmly set ideas he had. He changed too - we'd barely seen each other with work and his weekend commitments. We made more of an effort with each other and I swore to myself when I went back that this was it and I couldn't leave again. 4 years and a set of twins later and he's back to how he was. But I promised I wouldn't go again so here I am. I know it's very hard to change people innately, often impossible, and neither of us probably make the effort we should. I can't remember the last time we had sex. So be careful about the promises you make.

I don't like the fact that you are bending over backwards to make things right. She had the emotional affair. It wasn't your fault she chose to do that. What is she doing to regain your trust and win you back?

Google the Pick Me Dance.

Bad idea.

She did, yes. But I believe she let it slip from innocent enough stuff, one small mistake after another. Like a frog in hot water who doesn't see the temperature rise until it's too late. I'm more bothered about all the lies. Anyway, it's something I want to move on from and not dwell on. She knows it was wrong and stupid. She knows she needs to be more guarded in the future.Trust will come back with time. But I don't want a mediocre relationship. I dont want her to just "make do" with me. If she was proper "into me" like before, this parasite would never have got his toe in the door in the first place.

I wonder what she wants. Do you?

MrsBertBibby yes of course! But Id be surprised if she truly knows herself. I came here looking for a women's perspective from someone that had had a true change of heart.

"I want her overrides jangling when I walk into the club"
Do you say things like that to her?
Does she like that kind of phrase?

She's in the wrong here.
But your post sounds (to me, I may be misinterpreting it) as very physical. About you being physically attractive, about you "fancying the knickers off her". There is a lot more to a good relationship than physical attraction and sex (though they're fundamental) so I'd say from the tone of your post, be careful not to focus on that to the exclusion of other things.

I wonder what she wants. Do you?

^ This ^

Oh and "a better, more alive relationship, like the early days".
What does that actually mean?

Because it sounds like it means you want sex as often as new couples have it.

I am really really pro sex and I think it can be the cornerstone of many relationships. But my woman's perspective from MN and my own experience and that of friends, is that fixing a relationship is often about giving each other more support (emotionally and practically), more attention, more affection, more time... Not simply more sex.

She's been texting another bloke, changing his name in her phone and you want her back??? Just walk, she doesn't deserve you.

Cabrinha - Its just humour to pick myself up a bit. And no, im not focussing on sex, (physical stuff) you've got the wrong end of the stick. What I'm talking about is love, but not just the "friend zone" type. I'm talking about desire, attractiveness etc. I want her to go back to yearning for a deeper connection.

What is the ovaries jangling comment about?

Communicate with your wife and keep communicating before deciding whether to remain in this relationship

I think once you've fallen out of love with someone, that's it. The writings on the wall op. Be really honest with yourself here. You sound very desperate..

To answer your question, no I didnt 'refall in love' when my exh decided he wanted to try again. It was too late. He did try, I'll give him that, but it was over the top eg presents, flowers in a way he had never been before. He wouldn't give me space and kept wanting to analyze everything. The attraction did not come back no matter what he did.

if he had said he wanted my ovaries jangling when he walked in the club I would have really hated it.

Right, but you e just told me you don't mean the physical stuff, but followed up by explaining that you mean desire and attractiveness?!
Can you see why I have the end of the stick that I have?

The reason I'm telling you this is not to berate you - afterall, as I said, she's in the wrong! But if it also comes across to her that your idea of fixing it, wooing her, is to make her want more sex with you... then it might not help!

I am hugely physically attracted to my partner. But what stops me cheating is my commitment and love and respect for him - which comes from his kindness, our shared interests and values, nurturing time together. I guarantee I could fancy an ex, easily, if I allowed myself to flirt. Sexual attraction isn't exclusive, love is - well, for me.

All that said, she's the one that disrespected you. What has she said about why it happened and how she wants to fix it?

Agree you should google the pick me dance.

And if you can't answer why she says it happened and what are her thoughts on fixing it, you haven't had enough talking with her! Or she hasn't bothered to talk to you. Both are more important that jangling ovaries.

Like I said, it's not about more sex, it's about desire. Why does desire have to be about sex?? Why does attraction mean physical?? A pretty girl can be in the same room as me but if she is bland and thick I won't have any proper attraction to that person. I'm not shallow. I desire and fancy the pants off my wife because she has great qualities, not because of her shape.

You don't sound as if you have much respect for her. You've called her stupid, pronounced she probably doesn't know her own mind, and gone on about the "friend zone" and jangling ovaries, which suggests you've been reading some MRA type bullshit. You ask for "a woman's perspective" which gives the impression you think women are a vast homogenous puzzle you need to get what you want from, rather than a bunch of individuals with wildly differing views, desires and experiences, just like men. And then you tell the women who give you their perspective that they are wrong.

Do you like women very much?

For me it's all the cheesy stuff. Think about when you were young and unburdened by mortgage, children etc. Going to the cinema, cheesy movies, holidays, eating chocolate in bed, drinking too much etc. This is what I would like but my husband doesn't get it... what were you guys into when you first got together? Walking in the woods holding hands? Listening to music?
I think you can do it if you want to but a said by others you need to be sure what's going through her mind...

It takes 2 to want a relationship to work. Before you start with the wooing, determine if she wants it too. If the answer is she doesn't know, then I suggest marriage counselling or go ahead with the seperation.

MrsBertBibby - I haven't name-called her at all. I don't know what MRA stands for. I don't want A womans perspective, id like lots of different womans perspectives thanks. Please don't project your misandry onto me. As for the "ovaries jangling" comment earlier, I have already explained it was humour. In fact I think the wife and I were watching "live at the apollo" and some comedienne made the joke that some fella was so hot her ovaries jangled and she was already naming her kids. We both laughed. I suppose I meant is a metaphor for my wife wanting a proper future with me again (and another child). We had in fact been trying for 4 years to have a second child, but this year she told me she wasn't sure she any longer wanted to do that. Reflecting on that, it seems likely that she was no longer certain we had a future. Anyway, I am off topic. In case anyone missed it, we ARE seperated, and have both decided we are going to try again with our relationship. Some comments have been "she emotionally cheated, move on" - but I am prepared to work through that. I cheated in a previous relationship, so I can hardly start throwing mud around, and I remember how it happened because I let things slip, and allowed someone to slowly creep in. I don't think it would have happened if I was truly happy with my relationship at the time. With my wife, she is a good person and I want to believe that it would not have happened if she were truly happy in our marriage. I don't know exactly what she wants, but I know she does want to move on and try again. As do I. What I really want for her, is to be fully happy, and to have a rich and amazing life. It won't do either of us any good if either of us "settle" for the person we are with. When we got together, I was her world, as she was mine. I posted here to hear from women who's story is "yeah at one point we couldnt stand each other for ages, but now oh my god I cherish our relationship" - and to hear any tips and advice!

She may never desire you the way you want her too. What's the plan if she doesn't?

Let's not beat about the bush though it is her that is in the wrong and should be her doing the hard yards to put this right. If she isn't, it suggests her heart isn't really in it.

Wow op I think you've received some really harsh comments here. I understand exactly what you mean about desire unrelated to sex, it's about feeling truly wanted and loved, as opposed to the desire to actually get physical. In answer to your original question, yes I do think it's possible to get that spark back if she wants to. I'm in a 20 plus year relationship and, in all honesty, the spark has fluctuated many times over the years. Your oh was certainly wrong to participate in the messages, but was she perhaps seeking the excitement that's lacking at home? Please do not misunderstand this as justification but if that's the case I think it gives you both a good starting point to build things back up. Have you discussed things with her and does she want to try again?

Happybunny19 Thank you so much for your kind input! Yes she does want to try again. We've used many of the guidelines in the "controlled seperation, how it can save your marriage" book, and its helped. We're due to end the separation just over a week from now. We've talked about stuff, but it's not going to be plain sailing when I dwell from time to time on all the deceit and lies. Can you tell me what it is that has been successful along the way in re-igniting the flame in your amazing 20year+ relationship?

nat73 - thanks. Defo would benefit from some care-free time. We've just moved house and I'm only just recovered from a major operation so stress free life seems a distant memory!

You (and your DP) might like to look at 'I Love You But I'm Not in Love with You' by Andrew G. Marshall...if it resonates with both of you and you are both keen to see if your relationship can be rebuilt there may be a future.