Did anyone get woo-ed back by husband?

[JonWeaver]

We're midway through an in-house separation. 8yrs married. We have a 5yr old daughter. We've decided we will try again in a few weeks. I love her, and still fancy the knickers off of her. One of the reasons we separated was that she had been secretly texting another man behind my back. I'm very thankful it had not got too far. He had been pushing it, ending supposed innocent texts with 'xx'. She had stopped defending our marriage, lost love for me and should have nipped it in the bud. She'd changed his name in phone to cover it. When we move forward, I want a better, more alive relationship. Like the early days. I'm no supermodel, but not ugly. In fact I'm very much more attractive than 8yrs ago. I don't want a wife who sticks with me through obligation, or safety. I want her ovaries jangling when I walk into the club. I want to be her world once again, as she is mine. Did any ladies here re-fall in love again, and can you think what brought it about?

No. I'm not advising he make all the effort. Only he and his partner can know why this happened. I know infidelity is an extremely emotive subject, as such can only advise from my experience. It may be she can't come to terms with what happened as it's early days. Just playing devils advocate here. OP want's to be with her. As did mine. I made NO effort in the early days. To be blunt, I was very fucked up! I would never condone any form of cheating. For me, I had an EA without being 'aware' I was having one, and had to come to terms with my own thoughts and feelings before I could process my Dp's. It wasn't that I wasn't 'working' or wanting to 'make an effort' on building bridges. Simply, I was physically unable to as I was a mess. Counselling is a good idea. Forget mind games ect. What's the point? Talk. Be honest. It's ok to feel every emotion under the sun, and it's ok not to feel a thing and be numb or in shock. When I look back now, I am horrified as I am sure the OP's wife will to one day.

I'm sorry but the blameshifting is a cop out.

I'll tell you that knowing your spouse is fearful gives power and leads to abuse.

My ex SIL knew my DB didn't want divorce, yet she wouldn't change her crapie behaviour because in her mind he was staying put. When he would talk about the situation she'd say .."Oh well. That's me. Take me as you see me or we can get divorced"

So he would keep quiet. Scrared of the marriage breaking down. Until she just got worse .... because in her mind he wouldn't leave. That's until he did leave. She was banking on his fear of divorce. When he moved out she was a mess. She promised to change .... but years of it had made him angry and resentful and the love he once had for her was gone.

She admitted to me she never thought he'd leave because of the kids. She knew he was miserable for years, but couldn't really care less.

He's remarried and is happy. She's jumping from man to man. His only regret is not leaving sooner.

Once he told her he wanted a divorce she was in shock.

By all means you can grovel and try to nice her back. In fact one marriage website advocates it. It's called marriage builders founded by Dr. William Harley.

I think it's humiliating TBH, but some say even as their wife was crying for her affair partner, they were planning date nights, buying flowers and the like. That even when the wife pushes you away (after her cheating), you should persist in winning her back.

It's like rewarding bad behaviour in my opinion, but Google it and have a look.

Thank-you Sandy, some sanity!

Songforsal, you are in control of your actions aren't you? I think it's absolute rubbish that you're not aware your entering an emotional affair, you only need to think how you would feel if your oh saw your communications that I'm sure you hid from him at the time, or thought how you'd feel on the receiving end. If you were unhappy in your marriage you could have suggested separation, I don't think an affair is a legitimate way of fixing things. FYI I cheated many times before my current relationship and at no point was I unaware it was wrong, I was young and stupid but conscious of my actions.

Well I certainly don't want to humiliate myself, but I do want to improve things greatly. As for her EA, I don't know how angry is a rational amount! (I tend to overreact at stuff so I'm trying to keep myself in check). She had a secret "friendship" with a man. Kept it from me. It hadn't got to the point where it was flirty (apparently) but was affectionate. Texts being sent with kisses on the end. It churns me up but I'm a very jealous person. The lies hurt a lot. Changing his name in get phone bites at me a lot. I'm trying not to think about it but when I do I feel like you going on a rampage.

I'm a bit uncomfortable with some of the comments on here that suggest that either she wasn't getting what she wanted or certain behaviours must have driven her to it. She alone is responsible for her decision to cheat.

Op your wife does not sound at all sorry. Have you independently verified that they are no longer in contact ?

No, but her behaviour seems more normal. So I do believe her.

Chances are she's just got sneakier at contacting him.
There's been countless threads on here when a wife has discovered weeks/months/years later that the cheater had promised he'd changed and broken contact, and yet hadnt.

Tbh OP, unless your wife actually actively wants and tries to make an effort, you're just wasting your time. It's the sunk cost fallacy.

You haven't thrown away your marriage, your wife has. You won't be responsible for depriving her child of a full time father, your wife will be.

Quite frankly, you need to find some self respect. Your wife is banking on you just putting up with it to "save your marriage". Back off, show her that you're not going to beg, chase and humiliate yourself just to stay together. If she wants you, she needs to meet you half way.
Which should involve counselling. Both together and for yourself.

So, did she have an affair? You say there was no flirting, just affection in the texts? I send kisses on the end of texts to some of my close male friends.

I say that because in that instance, the line hasn't been crossed IMO. Yes, she should be recognising the potential of the circumstance, and wanting to make amends, but I don't agree that she should be grovelling. Is there anything to indicate that the friendship would have deepend, or was she just hiding the friendship because you were paranoid about male friendships having been a cheater once yourself? I would be taking this as a signpost, telling you both that the relationship needs work.

What does she want?

She DID cross the line in my opinion, because she did all this text "friendship" stuff after this guy had made a pass at her in a club. She let me and my family down. A close male friend that she may have had for years, prior to knowing me- well I'd probably be ok with a single x on her texts. A new fella that she has just met, that she knows wants more? It's not on at all.

You sound loony to me OP. I don't know why all these posters are dogpiling on your wife. There was no flirting, just a friendship you didn't like. You're mad because this guy made a pass at her years ago?

You would tolerate a single x from a man she knew well? Big of you. You've got a nerve imo.

She probably changed the name in her phone because she expected your irrational jealousy.

You sound really controlling to me.

oh, I see I misread, you don't say how long ago he made the pass.

I still think you're on shaky ground here.

That's so obviously crossing the line, thanks for clarifying as I had also questioned just ending the messages with a x but to someone who had tried to pull her in a club and she actually gave him her number, wow she's brazen. Is she still struggling to see why you're reacting like this?

And I'm afraid madgingermunchkin is spot on in how you need to behave.

kitsa, have you rtft?

I do have issues with jealousy kitsa, but yes you did misread, she just met him.
Happybunny19 coucilling / work needed on both sides yes. But how to woo or Internet her without being a pandering fool? That book that was recommended arrived today, hopefully it has some ideas.

Interest her, not internet her! Stupid autocorrect.

dontpoke, I never comment without rtft.

You can't woo or interest her if she doesn't want to be.

Back off, stop running after her. Maybe she'll come running back if she thinks you've lost interest, maybe she won't. But she'll need to miss you before she realises what she's lost.

You're playing the "pick me dance" and it never works. Do your own thing, get counselling sorted for yourself. Chances are, right now she sees you as a sad, clingy, desperate man. And who would find that attractive?

Although I would like it noted that I'm giving this advice while still believing that you should just walk away. You deserve better, and your child does not deserve to grow up in a home where it has been tainted by an affair and one parent is jealous, suspicious and paranoid.

If there was nothing apart from a X at the end of a text, why was his number changed in her phone?

Of course it was an EA. Before I even thought of reconciling, I'd expect to see remorse from my spouse. Nothing you've said suggests your wife is remorseful and is taking full responsibility for her EA.

madgingermunchkin thank you. I appreciate you giving me both the advice to help me with what I want as well as advice from your own 'best advice' thoughts. I appreciate both.

HappyB

Thank-you Sandy, some sanity!

Thanks for that.