Did anyone get woo-ed back by husband?

[JonWeaver]

We're midway through an in-house separation. 8yrs married. We have a 5yr old daughter. We've decided we will try again in a few weeks. I love her, and still fancy the knickers off of her. One of the reasons we separated was that she had been secretly texting another man behind my back. I'm very thankful it had not got too far. He had been pushing it, ending supposed innocent texts with 'xx'. She had stopped defending our marriage, lost love for me and should have nipped it in the bud. She'd changed his name in phone to cover it. When we move forward, I want a better, more alive relationship. Like the early days. I'm no supermodel, but not ugly. In fact I'm very much more attractive than 8yrs ago. I don't want a wife who sticks with me through obligation, or safety. I want her ovaries jangling when I walk into the club. I want to be her world once again, as she is mine. Did any ladies here re-fall in love again, and can you think what brought it about?

Haha Jon I don't think it's amazing at all, he must have the patience of a saint to put up with me a lot of the time. Really it simply comes down to the fact he's my best friend since I was 20 and I can't imagine life without him. I think sometimes you need to remember why you were first attracted to each other. I'm so pleased she wants things to work as much as you, that is a great starting point. Is your oh doing her best to reassure you after her EA? You shouldn't be doing all the work to get things back on track.

JonWeaver Have you had a real heart to heart or as near to that as you can manage to see what caused this txtin another man, there must have been a reason for it i may well be that there is something you don't give her or theirs something she perhaps doesn't like about you. In my experience women don't do that unless there's a good reason somewhere.

I do note that as others have said she ought to be the one coming running back to you but that's not happening is it?.

Why?.

Jon, I get this, I was like your wife, unhappy after years of failing to conceive again. We never considered separating but DH did make a massive effort to win my heart and ovaries back. He does lovely things to keep our marriage on track... Thoughtful cards, cooking meals, flowers, cups of tea, chocolate etc! He exercises and looks after himself. He sent me an email to tell me how much he loves me and regrets what happened as he finds it hard to talk about. I still read that email 4 years later if I feel down. He made me realise how wonderful he is without being cheesy. He talks about our future which we had to reassess coz we had planned for more kids who didn't arrive. Good luck wooing her and I hope she appreciates her. Send her texts during the day and phone her sometimes so she doesn't feel the need for attention from anyone else. Just love her loads.

theknackster thanks, I'm straight onto Amazon to get it. Happybunny19, Justaboy, no she isn't doing much grovelling/reassuring me thats true. She feels like it didn't go far and whilst she knows she shouldn't have let it happen she says the messages never got flirty. She says she liked the texts and liked the guy's friendliness and kindness. I caught one of his messages and it had "xx" on it, so not happy. She mostly isn't particularly repentant because she says it wouldn't have happened if my behaviours hadn't been making her unhappy. The deceit and repeated lies, weird phone hiding behaviour and paranoia I suffered had a far bigger impact on me than what she was actually doing.

I think as you both want to try then marriage counselling would be a good idea. My marriage wasn't great at one point. We didnt openly talk of seperation but it was on both our minds.

I wouldn't say I was wooed back, but I recognised there was fault on both sides and started developing a different approach. Through doing a lot of reading about relationships and seeing the male perspective, we became and are now very connected as we initially were.

'She mostly isn't particularly repentant because she says it wouldn't have happened if my behaviours hadn't been making her unhappy.'

Here's your problem. It can't and won't work unless she accepts responsibility for her actions. Until she does she is basically saying that every time you hit a blip in your marriage she reserves the right to behave badly and it will be your fault.

Unfortunately I agree with foxtrot here, she's absolving herself of all blame and putting it all back on you. If you read any thread on here where a cheating husband has acted similarly they are branded abusive. Have you challenged her about this diversion tactic? Also have you asked her how she would react should the roles be reversed?

She sounds so arrogant in her attitude. Do you think she takes it for granted that you will stay whatever she does, as it comes across that way.

That's probably because I've given her a very solid message that I can't bear breaking up our family, and also that I love her. She's basically calling all the shots, yes. I'm still very heartbroken and trying not to show it. I dont know what to do for the best but I can't think destroying my daughter's life with an out-of- house seperation will help at all. Im very confused. My mind ping-pongs between feeling dumped and forgetting anything is wrong. Maybe that's just the nature of in-house separation.

I think it's true that her heart isn't in it. I'm probably very much in denial. It's the love you but don't want to be with you syndrome. And yes I am desperate. (As someone further up the thread asked)

Ah, I'm sorry, what a horrible situation for you.

Can I ask why you are trying to hide your heartbreak? She is trying to minimise what she has done and you are letting her. She needs to wake up and realise how much she has hurt you and how much damage she has done.

Another useful read is Just Good Friends by Shirley Glass.

Jon,

He who cares the least has the most power. You've given her the power by caring too much and she doesn't seem bothered.

When one spouse knows the other is desperate to make it work, they get cocky and do what they want.

I'm not sure if you're a pushover or too nice and accommodating. You may want to read the book 'No more Mr. Nice Guy'. It's good for men who women trample over aand take advantage of.

Stop being a mug. She has emotionally cheated on you, its her that should be trying to mend your relationship.
Most likely you want her back because you are afraid of being alone.
But if you have career, solvent and are reasonably normal then trust me you will have no problem attracting women the older you get.

Enjoy your single years and forget about this cheater. You can do so much better than a life of second guessing what she is doing.

You might want to take a look at the Chump Lady website too. It's aimed at women, but the straight talking on there equally applies to anyone that is letting someone else fuck them over.

He who cares the least has the most power.

Hit the nail right| on the head there Sandy2K!

Thanks Justaboy.

It's something I always tell the single OW They're tying themselves in knots about 'will MM leave her'. 'When will he leave her'. 'I love him. My soulmate blah blah blah.'

He's not leaving in most cases and he just wants a wife and a side piece.

OP
Never makes someone a priority, when you are just an option to them.

I have awful rejection anxiety, so yes it's tough for me, but also this is my second marriage. When my first marriage failed my two daughters lost out on a full time dad. I've never forgiven myself for letting them experience that. Deja vu second time around, so yes maybe I'm a mug but I truly want my family to stay together, and would rather do the work needed to fix.

**But if you have career, solvent and are reasonably normal then trust me you will have no problem attracting women the older you get.
Yes I do, I earn 42k in my career, and 3days into our separation I dusted myself off held my head up and got proper checked out my a hot 20-something girl (who obviously liked the stubble i had going on). I chuckled to myself because it gave me a confidence boost while I was feeling crap. But I don't want a new love. I want my old love to check me out!

I do not agree with the majority of these comments saying the wife should grovel ect. I have been in the exact same situation as your wife. The simple reality is it takes 2 people to make a relationship work. For me, at the time my Dp was behaving terribly towards me. Of course I am not insinuating there are any parallels between our circumstances. This is just insight from a woman who found herself in a similar situation. After what we went through, every behaviour had to change. Starting with his towards me. This including over-hauling our 'routine' from domestic tasks, to spending time together. Even switching off social media and going into another room when children in bed, sharing a bottle of wine and listening to music and talking about anything like who we are now, where we want to go in our lives, even bloody news topics. Just talk. Communicate. Sexual relations, or forcing them should be put on a back burner unless it happens naturally.Hold her in bed, tell her you love her, get a babysitter and go out, take it day by day. From experience, you will both be feeling hurt. To this day I am even more hurt over my behaviour than my Dp is, but also cross with him that his behaviour at the time most definitely led me away. (And before I get slayed for that sentence, whenever we talk about my affair, he will wince at the man he was at that time) I certainly wasn't thinking clearly, and like your wife, became embroiled before I registered what was happening. I felt flattered, noticed, appreciated but when all is said and done, it was a distraction from a bigger issue, and a huge wake-up call. It can work, give it time, and don't give up on her, yourself, or your family.

SongforSal thank you so much. That gives me real hope.

Jon you have hope but not when it involves only you making the effort. Songforsal is advising you what extra effort you need to make but that needs to come from your wife too equally, so I disagree. If it's only you trying she is completely taking advantage. Has she actually genuinely apologized yet? Don't misunderstand me I don't think you should end your marriage and of course appreciate you need to keep your family together, but as you've described things it's all on you to fix things and change your behaviour. She IS responsible for her actions, she's a grown woman.

I feel angered that you're advised to make a massive effort to woo a cheater back, this advice would not be given to a female poster.

Therapy, I really feel you both need open communication facilitated by therapy. Work through what was wrong before that needs your wife felt justified her EA? How can you be helped to get over the hurt of all her deceit?

We have been up and down over our 18 years together. Work stress, house moving/renovation, unemployment and mile depression have been the biggest threats to our happiness and I can certainly say that I have come pretty close to leaving at one point.

But not now, and what has brought us back has simply been his consistent and prolonged efforts to be kind and good humoured. And not lazy. Really that is it, and from that fun and intimacy will come. No flowers, gifts or big gestures of romance. But that may just be me.

HappyBunny. Life is not so black and white. As a relationship progresses it changes over time. I can only offer advise from a perspective I have experience in. For me, I went into shock over my actions. I couldn't/wouldn't talk. I had to process what happened and it took a long time. For the first time in my life I experienced panic attacks and anxiety. I could no more understand my feelings let alone my Dp's. We have been together almost 20yrs now. It is natural there will be good and bad times. Just like the OP has said, he want's to make it work. As did my Dp, even when I cried, pushed him away, yelled. I felt then (as most people do) that infidelity is the worst that can happen in a relationship, that it breaks trust. However, these things aren't unsurmountable. So many people give up to easily without realising when you hit rock bottom the only way is back up. Relationships are HARD WORK. No-one see's what goes on behind closed doors, and so many judge a cheater without their perspective or knowledge of the intricacies of what led them there. I would proffer the same advice to a female. And in RL i have. What happened to me has made both myself and Dp stronger. He used to be bad tempered/jealous/angry and verbally abusive (mainly on alcohol). In the aftermath, he changed to. Infidelity made my Dp address his behaviour, it made me come to terms with what I did and why. A few years on we are happy and have a solid relationship, better than before. As I said. It takes time and effort. I look back and appreciate my Dp worked for me and didn't give up. There is no reason OP can't have a happy ending.

Happybunny19 Thanks. Yes it is unfair. I don't see that I have much of an option though, if I'm to get what I want (or think I want) and to get the best result for my family. However part of the advice I've been given here is to care less - and maybe by that I will gain more. I don't want to get into any childish mind games, but I do see the value in what some people here have said, that maybe part of attracting her back will be about being more independent and aloof at times? I'm looking forward to when Amazon gets that "I love you but.." book to me.

SongforSal thanks, it isn't easy to be so honest in a public forum about your own mistakes. I really appreciate it.

Songforsal, I've been with my dp for 22 years and am well aware that to maintain our relationship takes hard work. It has been far from hearts and flowers in all that time. However you sound as if you're advising Jon to carry on making all the effort and sympathise with his wife who shows no remorse for HER mistake, which I completely disagree with. He needs the reassurance here after her EA.

Jon, I really do understand you feel you don't have many options if you want to stay together and, although I strongly disagree with silly mind games, think there's an element of truth in not looking too keen. There's nothing more unattractive as desperation. Do you think that's what's happening with you?

Do you think your wife would be willing to try counselling together?