Exdp is not going to pick DD up from school - WWYD?

[ListenToYourHeart]

Apologies in advance if this is long, but I'm really at a loss of what to do.

Will try get all the facts out there as to not drip feed etc.

Exdp and I have DD who is 6, we broke up when she was 3 due to him repeadetedly cheating, he was controlling, manipulating, emotionally and physically abusive. We had a very messy break up with police, solicitors and courts involved.

Eventually after a long battle he agreed to seeing DD 2 days a week, picking her up from school at 3:00pm and dropping her to my work at 6:00pm. The manipulating never stopped, and only got worse when he found out I was in a serious relationship, he has constantly tried to guilt trip me into getting back with him, he has put all the blame on me, won't accept he was physically abusive on more than one occasion and that I had the right to leave due to that alone.

Thanks to Mumsnet, friends, family and my wonderful DP, I have managed to realise I can ignore the maniupulating and emotionally abusive texts now but god it has been hard, and there is still probably around once a month when I crack and he gets to me.

Fast forward to now, I have a great relationship with current dp and currently 26 weeks pregnant.

Since exdp found out I was pregnant the nastiness has been ramped up, he then said last week that due to my actions (falling pregnant) I will have to suffer the consequences of him not seeing DD anymore, he told DD last Thursday that he will not be seeing her anymore once the baby is born because of Mummy. I explained to DD that it is not my fault, I wanted him to continue seeing her and have done nothing to stop that happening, and would never do anything to stop him picking her up from school on his 2 days. I don't think she fully understands that he plans to stop seeing her whenver he finds out the baby is born.

So anyway today is his usual day to pick her up, I work full time and the arrangement the past year and half has been he picks her up Tuesday and Thursday, and my mum picks her up Monday, Wednesday and Friday. There has been many days when he has texted last minute or the day before to say he can't have her, on these occasions my mum has stepped in and picked her up or I have had to leave work last minute, which is now starting to cost me my job as there has just been one too many times I've had to leave and apologise last minute, walk out on meetings/clients etc.

Over the weekend I had a chain of messages from him, all pointing out how I was ruining his life by having another baby, I had ruined our daughters life by leaving and not giving her a complete family. I ignored all these texts as I'm already stressed out and had been advised by my midwife to start taking it easy.

Now to yesterday, I recieve a text saying can my mum pick DD up on Tuesday as he can't do it now, I said I would ask. Asked my mum and she said she can't due to a appointment at 2:45pm, I said understood. I let exdp know straight away and said that if he called around child minders he may be able to find someone but it's very last minute and all the ones I know have no vacancies.

He replied and said he would sort it, but may be 45 minutes late to the school, I said I think it would be best he calls the school as I don't think they can just wait, he said not to worry he will sort it.

Then at 3:00am I recieve a text... About 6 pages long but basically saying how he can't live without me anymore and if I am choosing to live my life with someone else and start a new family then its best he says goodbye to me and DD now.

I replied when I woke up and said seriously just pick DD up at 3:00pm and stop messing around as there is no one else to get her at short notice, and that if he ain't there to pick her up then the school will be phoning him as they know Tuesday's is his day.

He has chose not to reply.

What do I do? I have asked everyone I can but no one can get there at short notice, if I leave work I will be leaving them in the shit as I work for a small company, the only other memeber of staff is off on holiday. I'm so worried if I have to leave early today I will lose my job which is depended on to help pay the bills.

But what else can I do? I'm not sure if I should leave work at 2:00pm so that I am at the school causing less distress for DD if he don't turn up, or if I should wait it out and see if the school call me to say no one has turned up for DD, but then I will have to leave work anyway and will take me around 45mins-1hour to get to the school.

I'm actually sat in work on the verge of tears which is probably hormonal but I just can't believe he would do this to DD.

Any advice at all would be appreciated, whether it be with the current situation with the school or with what I should tell DD about him stopping seeing her.

Save any texts, emails, etc as evidence.

I saw on a tv police programme the other night thag controlling and coercive behaviour is now a criminal offence. I would be tempted to talk to an officer who specialises in domestic problems and see if this is right?

Just stop contact now. Don't let him piss you about.

What an absolute waste of a life that 'man' is. Unfortunately people like him don't have the guts to follow out their threats of suicide. Seriously let him say his last good byes and protect your daughter from the piece of shit that is her father. I'm furious on your behalf op.
Stop contact and keep everything.

What a fuckwit! Take back control of your life and leave himno further room for his cruel coercive control. Exclude him from any respmsibility which he has now demonstrated he is not capaable of and i s a truly cruel father to this to his own child. Call and log his behaviours to the police then request a non-mol. Regardless of any reaction u get from police just make sure it isnrecorded.

I think school cannotndo anything to prevent him having acess from school if he has PR which he will due to child ag. But report his actions to them anyway so they are very clear about his cruelty to both of you

I'm afraid its likely to worse the closer to the birth you get so bettter act swiftly andnstrongly now to nail down his possibilities.

Also as he's behaved so erratically and cruelly withdraw any contactbexcept
Through a third party like your parent /sibling /close friend. Copy texts/email for evidence and pass a
Book via tp instead

Hope you can get this stamped on quickly. Like many in this situatiln realising they are bad fathers is one of the last things to be realised. He'sbunhinged and potentially dangerous. Report his threat to police and tell them ofbyour intentions to stop him as this will tell them things are likely to escalate. They could put a flag on your number

Do make sure all this is documented with the Midwife...

Also assuming he won't stop contact when you go on ML as it seems he threatens for a response..Have you considered where she will be dropped after contact.. I would be very concerned as pregnancy goes on you meeting him on your own and actually him dropping off at the house if you are there alone.could he drop at your mums.

I also agree.. It is worth logging this stuff with the police as he may get more desperate and stupid..

Thanks for all the advice.

As someone has mentioned he does have PR so I don't think the school can refuse him having her, so in the mean time I won't say anything to him that he can't see her on his Tuesday & Thursday. However I will make the school aware of the comments his made and let them know his plans to stop contact.

In the mean time, my mum has said she understands and will be on standbye for the next few weeks till my Mat leave, she would have been there today if it wasn't for her own appointment.

DP has also spoke to his boss and his boss said his happy if he ever needs to leave for a emergency pick up.

I've also taken the advice and spoke to my mum about her being there for DD to be dropped off to if he does continue to see her once I got on Mat leave, so that's a relief.

I'm going to find all the old court & solicitor letters and have a good read over the next few days, if needed I think I will also get some advice from a solicitor.

My next concern is ensuring DD understands the situation, and to try prepare her for the future if he does stop seeing her.
Personally though I think even if he continues to see her there needs to be a more formal arrangement after all the recent stress. Even if maybe it's just a solicitors letter if possible out lining the days he has her and that his not to contact me (not sure if it's possible to get that done) ideally I'd rather he no longer had to contact me, my mum is available to discuss anything or act as mediator etc.

And again many many thanks for the support and advice! Even just venting on mumsnet at the beginning of the day helped massively

This is great already what you have managed to put in place. Thank goodness you have supportive dp and dm. Makes all the difference to protecting you both.

I would caution to not under-estimate the risk to you both now he has 'come out' as it were. He has less to lose now andi I wouldnt risk leaving your dc unsupervised with him any more . If there are further court battles you be under pressure to explain what measures you took to protect your dd with the knpwledge you know have. Dont rely on him to be reliable anymore he's clearly highly abusive and currently too unstable to ne alone with her as hes considering suicide. these are massive red flags that need always to be takem seriously. Yiu can stop contact at any point you want and he will have to do the chasing for contact.

I am in a similar-ish situation to you with my ex-h. I have stopped contact between him and my DS for a long list of reasons. I expect we will end up in court as that is going to be the only way forward and I expect him to lose or have limited/supervised contact only. He is similarly guilty of coercive abuse and this has been sustained for 3 years since he left (and before I have now realised). You could consider a non-mol (if your prohibited steps is no longer valid and you do know that you can just get that extended if you wish), either step will narrow down his contact to what is acceptable for you and indeed what contact YOU have to have with him. However, it is clear there are too many red flags here and I would consider carefully allowing contact to continue under these circumstances. I would just stop it and let him take you to court (which is unlikely). I would also consider taking some advice from Women's Aid, they are fantastic with coercive control issues which is exactly what you are experiencing. In terms of the school, as he has PR, they can't stop him going there, however, in my case I know the school would inform me if my ex tried to remove my DS although they can't physically intervene. Again, a prohibited steps order is the way forward with this. Speak to your GP, midwife, get your ducks in a row. Document everything, keep a diary of incidents. This thread will be useful as you have clearly summarised events in your OP. I would also speak to your local police station. I have done all of this and found every agency extremely helpful and willing to support and advise. However, it is now very very important that you are the protective parent, that you take steps to ensure your child is safe and from what you have described, I don't think she is. He is clearly unstable and clearly a threat to her welfare and wellbeing...and yours too. I do realise how very stressful this is but as long as you have the support network you describe, you will manage until you get to maternity leave. Just don't let him have her...it's not worth the risk. Good luck!

Don't pander to him. Tell him you will make/have made arrangements for a childminder to pick your DD up and will inform the school. Don't respond to all the other shite.

Thank you for all the advice.

I've told him I'm not getting into any more discussions as he has since started texting about taking her abroad right at the time my baby is due conveniently, and saying he will be buying her a phone for him to call her on. (she's 6 FFS?!).

I also received a chain of messages how he wants me to get him taken off her birth certificate. I think he thinks if he could be taken off her birth certificate then he wouldn't have to pay maintenance.

I don't know the ins and outs of things but legally I don't even think you can remove yourself from a birth certificate can you? He 100% is her dad not like he can dispute that, well he could if he wanted I'd be happy for a paternity test to be done! Jeez.

Anyway I've texted him and said I'm not getting into anymore discussions, if he has anything he wants to discuss he can get a solicitor to write to me, as I will not give permission for her to be taken out of the country and I don't want her having a phone at 6 as it will obviously just be my responsibility, he would also buy her something like an iPhone so it would be something I would end up having to ensure has parental controls set up and most of all I just don't agree a 6 year old needs a phone. In the past year his never called my phone or my mums to speak with her, his literally done the bare minimum in terms of contact.

I have also booked a midwife and gp appointment to look the stress, as I feel awful, I can't focus at work, I just feel genuinely worn down by it all now.

No more contact OP. Nothing. Absolutely do not allow any further contact. Talking about taking her out of the country is a huge red flag. Does she have a passport in your possession? If not, has HE applied for one? Because he can. I would revisit your prohibited steps and have this included.

No, she doesn't need a phone, that is ludicrous.

No he can't have his name taken off the birth certificate. That can only happen if he can prove through a court ordered DNA test that he is not her father.

Good news about GP and midwife, you need that support. I really would consider a non-mol now. They are free to apply for and in situations such as this, where he is clearly threatening you and your child and indeed your unborn child, you'd get it.

Bloody hell!! Have you stopped him doing after school pickups now. He sounds like he's fill her head with all sorts of rubbish.

Suggesting he gets a solicitor to communicate all his nonsense is a very good move OP.

Try not to let him stress you out. He's just having a tantrum and trying every trick in the book to get to you.

I think he's already well into the realms of criminal activity and its not going to be possible for you to assert any control sadly. He clearly ramping up and not something you can be expectes in any way other than removing any but supervises contact and letting police know this.

Act as soon aa you can to take the stress of your shoulders and get police to deal with him

Ebey stregth to you separating yourself from this and focussing on your fmaily and your life

So he wants to be taken off the birth certificate but also take her abroad? What an idiot.

He can't get his name off. But is there scope for your husband to adopt dd if exh wants to relinquish rights and responsibilities?

She doesn't have a passport at the moment, it is something that I need to get her asap from the sounds of it though, if to only stop him getting one for her.

He jumps from one extreme to the other, one minute he's wanting to take her on holiday when he's not even had her over night once in the last year or so, then next he ants to be taken off the birth certificate.

Since all last texts I've simply replied saying nothing it up for discussion anymore, please get a solicitor and get them to contact me, he replied with see you in court.

Which to be honest I think would be less stressful, I'd rather there be a court arrangement or something official, but I reckon he just won't both coming to see DD anymore, I have other pick ups for her arranged for what used to be his days.

I'm going to go up in the loft at the weekend and dig through all the old court stuff and find the prohibited steps order, as the school have said as long as this is still in place I can take a copy in there and they will be able to advise further on in whether they will be able to stop him from picking her up.

Since taking the advice of not engaging with him anymore I feel a lot better, I've ignored any texts his sent.

What a nightmare op, so sorry for you.

You really do need to avoid court, the stress is just awful and is the last thing you need with your new baby on the way.

You need to keep a list of contact times and dates he has missed as well as keeping the lunatic texts he sends.

The problem you will have is that even if he gets contact via the court, and the courts want dads to have contact, that you are ordered to make your child available but he is not ordered or compelled to turn up.

I have this problem with the CMS at the moment. GS's dad has sent in a court order relating to his contact. Problem is he does not turn up for it and has used it to reduce his payments as he insists he does. You couldn't make it up.

if he has anything he wants to discuss he can get a solicitor to write to me

Unfortunately you can't insist someone gets a solicitor.

Elsie - that does sound really stressful, I've always thought that was the problem with CMS.

I've just had enough of it now, that's why I think court would be simpler obviously I can imagine it's awfully stressful, but I've had so much verbal abuse from him I don't know how much more I could handle.

It's like I can't win, I was happy with him seeing DD twice a week, I've not asked for more, I've not asked for overnights etc. But I've still had to put up with his behaviour, and then when he found out I was pregnant his behaviour has got worse. It's like he's not actually bothered about seeing DD (as he says about stopping contact when my baby is born, and has requested being taken off the birth certificate) he just wants to be able to manipulate/control me. I say okay stop seeing her, I get abuse from him, but then if I say that's unfair on DD I still get abuse.

Just feeling very like its a lose/lose situation.

Piglet - I agree, but I can't engage in discussions with him anymore as they ain't sensible discussions they are chains of abusive messages.

Obviously I can't force him to get a solicitor but I can't speak with him anymore, I've tried for 3 years and it's progressively got worse, I feel now I'm at a point where I'm better off ignoring him and if he does want to have a serious discussion with me I will only do it through a solicitor or mediator.

I don't want contact to stop, as I don't want DD to be without a dad but I don't feel like I'm mentally well enough to be part of the contact arrangement as I don't wanna engage in conversation with him anymore simply cause he can't keep it civil.

If he could just pick DD up, spend time with her being a dad etc and leave me to get on with my life then perfect, but I guess life isn't that easy.

I think ignoring texts that have no relevance is definitively the way forward. Ignore all his requests to go abroad.

I did get a passport for my DS to ensure Ex couldn't get one.

I can only tell you my experience.. My ex threatened to take me to court in the days when he could get legal aid.. He went through mediation.. got a court date but never actually followed through. I let the lack of maintenance go by until he wanted contact. I stopped been bothered. I had my facts together..

It is even though he has PR do let the school know what is going on..They can delay him collecting her if necessary.. Do log anything with police.. so any firther incidents will be art of a picture.

Any chance of having communication with him go via a third party? A friend or relative?

The other person could pass along any relevant information and shield you from the bullshit and abuse.