Exdp is not going to pick DD up from school - WWYD?

[ListenToYourHeart]

Apologies in advance if this is long, but I'm really at a loss of what to do.

Will try get all the facts out there as to not drip feed etc.

Exdp and I have DD who is 6, we broke up when she was 3 due to him repeadetedly cheating, he was controlling, manipulating, emotionally and physically abusive. We had a very messy break up with police, solicitors and courts involved.

Eventually after a long battle he agreed to seeing DD 2 days a week, picking her up from school at 3:00pm and dropping her to my work at 6:00pm. The manipulating never stopped, and only got worse when he found out I was in a serious relationship, he has constantly tried to guilt trip me into getting back with him, he has put all the blame on me, won't accept he was physically abusive on more than one occasion and that I had the right to leave due to that alone.

Thanks to Mumsnet, friends, family and my wonderful DP, I have managed to realise I can ignore the maniupulating and emotionally abusive texts now but god it has been hard, and there is still probably around once a month when I crack and he gets to me.

Fast forward to now, I have a great relationship with current dp and currently 26 weeks pregnant.

Since exdp found out I was pregnant the nastiness has been ramped up, he then said last week that due to my actions (falling pregnant) I will have to suffer the consequences of him not seeing DD anymore, he told DD last Thursday that he will not be seeing her anymore once the baby is born because of Mummy. I explained to DD that it is not my fault, I wanted him to continue seeing her and have done nothing to stop that happening, and would never do anything to stop him picking her up from school on his 2 days. I don't think she fully understands that he plans to stop seeing her whenver he finds out the baby is born.

So anyway today is his usual day to pick her up, I work full time and the arrangement the past year and half has been he picks her up Tuesday and Thursday, and my mum picks her up Monday, Wednesday and Friday. There has been many days when he has texted last minute or the day before to say he can't have her, on these occasions my mum has stepped in and picked her up or I have had to leave work last minute, which is now starting to cost me my job as there has just been one too many times I've had to leave and apologise last minute, walk out on meetings/clients etc.

Over the weekend I had a chain of messages from him, all pointing out how I was ruining his life by having another baby, I had ruined our daughters life by leaving and not giving her a complete family. I ignored all these texts as I'm already stressed out and had been advised by my midwife to start taking it easy.

Now to yesterday, I recieve a text saying can my mum pick DD up on Tuesday as he can't do it now, I said I would ask. Asked my mum and she said she can't due to a appointment at 2:45pm, I said understood. I let exdp know straight away and said that if he called around child minders he may be able to find someone but it's very last minute and all the ones I know have no vacancies.

He replied and said he would sort it, but may be 45 minutes late to the school, I said I think it would be best he calls the school as I don't think they can just wait, he said not to worry he will sort it.

Then at 3:00am I recieve a text... About 6 pages long but basically saying how he can't live without me anymore and if I am choosing to live my life with someone else and start a new family then its best he says goodbye to me and DD now.

I replied when I woke up and said seriously just pick DD up at 3:00pm and stop messing around as there is no one else to get her at short notice, and that if he ain't there to pick her up then the school will be phoning him as they know Tuesday's is his day.

He has chose not to reply.

What do I do? I have asked everyone I can but no one can get there at short notice, if I leave work I will be leaving them in the shit as I work for a small company, the only other memeber of staff is off on holiday. I'm so worried if I have to leave early today I will lose my job which is depended on to help pay the bills.

But what else can I do? I'm not sure if I should leave work at 2:00pm so that I am at the school causing less distress for DD if he don't turn up, or if I should wait it out and see if the school call me to say no one has turned up for DD, but then I will have to leave work anyway and will take me around 45mins-1hour to get to the school.

I'm actually sat in work on the verge of tears which is probably hormonal but I just can't believe he would do this to DD.

Any advice at all would be appreciated, whether it be with the current situation with the school or with what I should tell DD about him stopping seeing her.

Lonny summed it up well. He is using DD to control you. Never let him do it again. If he crawls back and wants to see DD again in the future and you allow it, it should only be at times when if he backs out at the last minute it won't make any difference or cause you any inconvenience. (ie on a weekend afternoon when you weren't planning to go out anyway. ) He sounds no loss to your daughter and his malign presence is likely to cause her more upset in future when she is old enough to realise he doesn't really care about her, just to use as a pawn to hurt you.

You say you had court involvement, is there an order setting out these arrangements (by consent or otherwise) or is it just what you agreed between yourselves?

Keep every single one of his messages. Stop contact now and block him. Ask your mum to help just for a few weeks until you can sort out another arrangement.

Your poor dd but she's better off not having poison dropped in her little ears twice a week.

Inform school that as of now he is not collecting dd any more.

This is such a shitty situation, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

If your job is really at risk I'd just beg everyone to pick her up today, tell the school that the 'dad' is not to pick her up and arrange something from now on.

I'd take the power away from him and get proper childcare sorted for after school. It won't be long until you are on Mat leave and won't have to have this stress.
He sounds a manipulative prat-well fine for getting away from him. A wise choice.

Fucking hell he's crazy
he told DD last Thursday that he will not be seeing her anymore once the baby is born because of Mummy based on that alone I would be happy with no contact. So shocking sorry you have to deal with this

Phone the police and send them round to him, pick up your daughter and never let him near her again.

all of you saying cut contact - it's not that easy, is it?
You can't just cut someone off if they have parental rights, you'd have to get a non-molestation or occupation order, which can be done quickly in an emergency, but you still have to go through the process.

Also, the school cannot stop your DD being picked up by her father if he has parental rights.

Thankfully I've sorted childcare for this afternoon and also have someone to do Thursday as well, as I don't think I can handle the stress of the current contact arrangement anymore.

I agree I think he is trying to use DD to hurt me, when contact started he seemed like he was making a big effort to be a good dad but over the last year it all seems like it's just for controlling purposes.

I think I need to make the decision to withdraw contact completely as what everyone has said here makes a lot of sense. I guess it's just taking that step now, and explaining it to DD.

In regards to court, before back in 2013 I had a prohibited steps order, and then solicitor advised we sorted contact ourselves first of possible.

I can't remember all the ins and outs of the prohibited steps order but will dig it out tonight and have a good read.

Thank you so much for all the replies

FV45 - you've just reminded me of that actually, as I remember before the nursery advising me about that when she first started and contact was rocky.

For now I think I'm just going to explain to him that after school pick ups don't work and he needs to see her either Saturday or Sunday. If he wants to take me to court id be happy to as I'd much rather have a formal arrangement in place. I have every text from him from the past year so I have plenty of evidence that he isn't reliable when it comes to pick ups from school.

Contact a nanny agency, it will cost you an arm and a leg, but they can get you emergency childcare sorted whilst you are hunting for a proper solution.

The message he sent earlier reads like a suicide threat. Ok, so you know perhaps he doesn't mean it, but how can you take the risk of leaving your DD with someone so unstable How about a solicitor's letter stating that due to his repeated cockwombling existence mental fragility and poor grasp on reality impulse control that until he has organised supervised contact that you will not be making your DD available for contact.

I took that step just this w/end OP...sat DS down explained what options we had and he, bless him, made the decision for himself ... everything in the hands of the Sols now.

Quick post just going out..

You cannot stop collection from school if he has parental responsibility..They will though delay it at our school for my Ds..

You do need to read through the documentation..

You need to reply..Ok I have now arranged childcare as you no longer plan to see her. .quote.. what he has said.

I was advised by my sols when my ex wasn't seeing my DS don't comment the space of time between contact puts you in a better position..

This isn't contact with a dad .. this is someone using time with your dd against you.

Since my last post he has texted and said he will pick DD up Thursday and continue to pick her up every Tuesday and Thursday until I leave work for maternity leave. So guess his decided no point waiting till the baby is actually born.

Someone up thread mentioned about replying saying thank you for letting me know you'll be stopping contact. And then blocking his number.

I've replied and said thank you for letting me know you'll be stopping contact, I leave work on xxx date.

I'll be changing my number in November as will be taking out a new contract when this one is up then.

His now saying how his gunna buy DD a phone to call her on once contact stops, I'm not even gunna waste time explaining to him that I'm not letting my 6 year old have her own phone.

Thanks Mum4Fergus, I'm going to sit DD tonight and explain as much as I can. I think with the way he is acting it will benefit her greatly to have either a formal agreement or him not see her.

Ohhh, your poor wee girl. I feel so bad for her. And for you too OP. What a stressful situation, especially when pregnant.

You can contact the police and tell them your concerned about his mental state? He might be thinking of harming himself? Can't hurt to get it in writing?

I think having as much of a paper trail as possible in these situations is a good thing, so pls tell your midwife at your next appointment and get it all on record too.

I'd have your mum on standby till mat leave too because I would bet my hat he'll try the same trick at least once before you go off. He's on a total power trip.

If you have a prohibited steps order still in force it may well prevent him removing her from school without your consent. Take a proper look, and get to the solicitor to talk the whole thing through.

I imagine the 'until maternity leave" is because he realises that his after school contact thereafter has no purpose as he can't use it to yank your chain, and will need to think of a new game.

Thank you Dieu - it really has been stressful, but I'm so grateful for the advice I've got here and for thankfully having a few people around me to fall back on.

Thank you Dieu - it really has been stressful, but I'm so grateful for the advice I've got here and for thankfully having a few people around me to fall back on.

MrsBert - you are spot on there, he knows once I'm on maternity leave it won't matter if he don't turn up, it won't stress me out or cause hassle as I live a 5 min walk from the school so if he didn't turn up id be there.