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Original poster

We are on holiday in the Caribbean

129 replies

Namechangerooni · 27/09/2016 04:12

Lovely 5 star hotel. We are in our early 30s, been together for 3 years, haven't had sex for almost 12 months. Been here 8 days, still no sex. I've tried to initiate it but got absolutely nothing back, it's humiliating. Anyway, tonight we went for dinner, on the way out and on the way to another bar (we are in a resort) I suggest we stop in another bar on the way. Dp then states that I'm "erratic" for wanting to go to other bar on the way. He then accuses me (it definitely felt like an accusation) of only wanting to stop in the second bar because I want to smoke. I am a social smoker so yeh a cigarette would be good, but not sure why it's such an aggressive accusation (he doesn't generally mind me smoking, which I do so very rarely). Not sure why I'm posting, but just feel like I'm constantly accused of being "erratic" or "neurotic" for wanting to do a perfectly natural thing such as stop for a drink sometime?

I can't remember the last time he told me i look nice, or kissed me. Or hugged me:

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 27/09/2016 08:29

As a pp said,if you're not having sex on a 5 star holiday in the sun with no work pressures then I would consider things were pretty much over tbh. Get a tan and make a plan Flowers

roundaboutthetown · 27/09/2016 08:48

It's not really "social" smoking if you do it on a night out with a partner who doesn't like smoking. That's just ruining the air of a non-smoker, nothing social or sociable about it. Stick to smoking when you're out with someone who likes it - otherwise you can't possibly describe yourself as a social smoker, just someone who likes to smoke, however antisocial. Other than that - your relationship sounds like it's dead in the water.

roundaboutthetown · 27/09/2016 08:51

And he ought to be honest with you, rather than resorting to carping. He's the one with the problem, but he's being a coward and trying to provoke you to be the one to do something about it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/09/2016 09:05

The affection has gone. The relationship is over.

Do yourself a favour: get out quick, don't drag it out any longer.

StickyProblem · 27/09/2016 09:06

As Roundabout said. "Social" smoking is smoking with other people who are also smoking, dragging a non-smoker to a smoky place is ANTI-social!

But... sounds like things aren't good and aren't going to get better. What youarekiddingme said is great advice. So you're a smoker, so what? Get what you can from the holiday, on your own, don't drag Mr Miserable around. After the holiday you can look for a partner who smokes or doesn't mind smoking and hang out with them. You don't have to stay with someone who isn't attracted to you.

CoYoAddict · 27/09/2016 09:16

Yes I agree, there is no shame in saying that you want to smoke and like to smoke and if he refuses to accept that (as he is perfectly entitled to) then you are obviously mismatched and should part.

It's funny how this has become all about the smoking and not about the lack of sex though. They are quite possibly connected but I wonder if you gave up tomorrow he'd still not want sex and I suspect the answer would be that he wouldn't. You've become like a married couple in late middle age who live like brother and sister, who who bicker and gripe constantly about one another's foibles and haven't had any passion for years but are quite comfortable with sticking together out of habit, financial comfort and for the sake of the family.

Which is fine at 60 after 35 years years and three kids. Less fine in your early 30's after 3 years and no kids, because you have already skipped ahead and missed exciting, lust-filled romantic part in the middle. You are both being short changed here. Do one another a favour and cut loose.

SlowJinn · 27/09/2016 09:25

youarenotkiddingme has nailed it.

Cocktails, a good book, lie in the sun, have a cigarette, soak up the atmosphere of the Caribbean.
Let him go his own way.
When you're home, leave him.
Life is short. Too short to waste with people who don't cherish you.

pennygoodlife · 27/09/2016 09:28

I'm afraid your relationship has reached its conclusion. No sex for a year, your in your 30's and have only been together 12mths. Move on girl... There are happier times ahead I promise you

miaowmix · 27/09/2016 10:14

I would get the fuck out of dodge, your relationship sounds dead as a doornail. If smoking is a deal breaker for him, he should never have gone out with you in the first place.
Get a tan, have a fag and a cocktail and move on. You don't mention children so I'm assuming there aren't any..?

Original poster
Namechangerooni · 27/09/2016 13:57

So sorry for the delay, I went to bed. To address a few of the questions:

Smoking - he really doesn't mind me smoking, or so he says. I only smoke when drinking/on a night out. I often go 7 - 10 days without any cigarettes as I don't go out much anymore. This is a huge difference from when we first got together and I used to smoke/go to bars 3 times a week (different more social job back then). I get that for a none smoker it can be a real turn off But he's always insisted that smoking doesn't bother him.

Re going to a bar on the way to another bar. You can smoke in either bar (this country allows it). Last night was supposed to be a "big" night out like the old times. We were supposed to be having lots of drinks and go to lots of bars and end the night dancing in a club. One bar was on the way to another. I can't see how bar hopping was the issue, I think he was just waiting to have a go at me. For some background here,We used to be friends before we became a couple. We used to go out and have fun bars/clubbing till the early hours. Now he doesn't do that with me anymore. When we do go for dinner/drinks it always ends around 9 and he seems sullen. On the other hand, he socialises with work friends and never comes home till the early hours.

Sex - I've tried to speak about it, he ends up defensive and shouting that it's not his fault we don't have sex. I've honestly never felt so unattractive, I have tonnes of new bikinis but he hasn't so much as looked me over. I am actually in much better shape than when we first met, I started going to the gym seriously (5 times a week) about 18 months ago, this is the first time I've ever felt really happy with my body on a physical level, yet as he doesn't touch me/look at me I feel really ugly and lonely. So it's a bit conflicting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangerooni · 27/09/2016 14:02

To add, after re-reading a few of the replies- I know smoking issue can derail a thread but smoking is definitely not the issue here, I smoked loads more when we met. I've worried about the effects in the past and considered quitting but he's said that he doesn't think I smoke enough to be that worried. Just a bit of background to show that I really don't think this is the issue for him

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 27/09/2016 14:07

He says it's not his fault? Well, OK, not fault exact but if you are initiating sex and he brushes you off for 12 bloody months he does owe you an explanation. I can tell you with 10% certainty that it's not because you aren't attractive enough or because you enjoy the odd fag.

He's either using porn or has lost his libido or is gay. Could be depressed or simply gone off you entirely. None of these are easy to hear but you do deserve to know.

It does seem the relationship is dead in the water though. You want different things including a sex life. How hard is it to separate on your return? Enjoy the rest of your holiday and make plans for moving on.

pocketsaviour · 27/09/2016 14:09

It sounds like he wants out of your relationship but is too cowardly to be seen as the "bad guy" by splitting. He wants you to do it. So he withholds sex from you (probably getting his needs met elsewhere) and picks arguments with you, hoping you'll bin him off.

Do him - and you - a favour and finish it.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 27/09/2016 15:39

I agree, if he says it's not his fault you don't have sex he ought to be able to say why he's not up for it. Could he be intimidated by your new look, or be worrying that you're working on it in order to attract other men? I know it's daft, but it's the sort of daft fantasy some men come up with.

gratesnakes · 27/09/2016 15:50

You need to split up.

SandyY2K · 27/09/2016 16:03

If it's not his fault you don't have sex whose fault is it?

If you initiate and get knocked back it's down to him.

If he's being so miserable I'd go and socialise on my own and chat to other holiday guests.

You look good and feel great, yet no hugs or kisses even. You might as well be roommates.

SlowJinn · 27/09/2016 16:13

You look fabulous and you're on holiday and he doesn't want sex??Something is very wrong.

Scarydinosaurs · 27/09/2016 16:13

100% split up. You'll be so much happier.

crayfish · 27/09/2016 16:17

I ended my (short) marriage after a holiday just like the one you are on and a relationship that sounds pretty much exactly the same. I figured that if we couldn't have fun together in a 5* resort on holiday with no stress and no pressure, then how the hell were we going to manage another 40 years together?

I was probably the sullen one while he was the bar-hopping smoker one to be honest, and I think the holiday made me realise that actually, we didn't have a lot in common anymore and I didn't really enjoy his company or fancy him. Not being harsh but could this be a similar thing?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2016 16:17

Why did you go on holiday at all, was this really a make or break holiday?

Why are you still together?

HazelBite · 27/09/2016 16:54

I was married, and after 14 months of no sex and being rejected by a sullen and moody H I called it a day, to this day I don't know what his problem was.
I couldn't imagine spending years and years celibate.

I am in my 60's now and happily married to my second H for 30+ years and my sex life is very healthy.
OP do not waste any more of your time with him, you will probably never discover what his problem is, just walk away and move on to better things.

Hillfarmer · 27/09/2016 16:59

Have you talked? Have you asked him why he witholds sex and affection from you? I think he is just too cowardly to say he wants an end to the relationship.

What stops you from confronting him? Perhaps tell him you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who witholds love and affection, who continually criticises you and who seems not even to like you. Call his bluff.

Classybird36 · 27/09/2016 17:01

I love the idea of you trying to enjoy the rest of the holiday for YOU - then deal with dp when you get home. The Caribbean is faaaaar too amazing not to enjoy whilst you're there :) Wine xx

Lunde · 27/09/2016 17:20

Is he having an affair with someone at work?

This is what DH1 was up to when he "went off" sex and started staying out late without me.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2016 17:30

He is detached from you. He doesn't even like you.

There is probably another option lined up for him. Hang on to your self respect and tell him to do one when you get home.

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