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Original poster

Husband has been watching porn

86 replies

MrsOs · 26/09/2016 20:36

So tonight my husband went to show me a you tube video of something funny and when i looked at the other sites open they were porn sites. I asked him what they were and he quickly deleted the pages said they popped up from the you tube video.. I knew that wasnt true.

Then he said he went on because they were talking about it at work and he couldnt believe it was that easy to access.. So he looked out of curiosity. I didnt believe that either. He had even deleted the browsing history but stupidly left the pages up.

So then i looked at the advanced web pages section in safari and it showed he had been on pornhubpremium and flirt4free... I confronted him and he confessed to looking at porn.

Im so hurt and angry. He never comes to bed with me and we havent had sex in nearly a year. We have had various rows where i say its over as i dont want to be in a loveless relationship but he says he loves me and its just we are so tired etc etc... Yeah tired of wanking over porn sites.

I thought i knew him.. I didnt think he was like that.. Im so shocked..

Wwyd if you were me?

OP posts:
User14625592 · 27/09/2016 08:30

There are lots of men who choose porn over having sex hence the reason for so many couples having sexless relationships. You can never be sure a man isn't watching porn anyway. If he has a decent phone he is 5 seconds away from as much porn as he wants.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 27/09/2016 08:41

Porn is one thing but......flirt4free sounds more like a cheap hook up site than a porn site!!

What else is he up to op?

imwithspud · 27/09/2016 08:55

I don't know a man alive who would choose wanking to porn over actually having sex, so don't be so quick to assume it's porn > you.

Doesn't mean those men don't exist . A quick search on mn is proof that porn can and does cause problems in relationships. I know this from personal experience and it has been a thorn in my relationship for at least the last 5 years. But of course according to some it's probably my fault somehow.

imwithspud · 27/09/2016 08:57

Op he could easily come up to bed with you at least some of the time but he's making the choice not to so he can look at porn - probably because it's easier. That is not okay.

Original poster
MrsOs · 27/09/2016 10:28

No it isn't ok to replace me with porn, he also swears blind he isn't hooking up with woman via the flirt for free website and I don't think he would go that far but who knows. I just don't know what to do now I'm still so shocked really... Our relationship is clearly in a lot of trouble!

OP posts:
DadWasHere · 27/09/2016 11:46

You say you have no desire for sex since your son was born and you go to bed exhausted. That’s fair enough, little kids are very demanding of time, energy and sleep. But if you have no desire for sex, what is it you want him to do? Do you want him to convince you otherwise, despite yourself, or make it clear he desires you sexually while what you desire is a good nights kip?

Original poster
MrsOs · 27/09/2016 11:49

I think the desire will come back if you are shown love, it's small things like being kissed etc which we don't do. I need closeness to feel sexy and we have none of that anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsOs · 27/09/2016 11:50

The more I get into this discussion the more I'm convinced our relationship is probably over.. I don't know how you fix this.

OP posts:
Dieu · 27/09/2016 11:51

Also, do you have support/childcare nearby? Sounds like you need to start rebuilding your relationship from the bottom up, rather than focusing just on the sex. I get it OP, I really do. With young kids, it's easy to lose your way as a couple. Happened to me, and my ex husband now lives with the OW. Looking back, I can't believe how far we had let things disintegrate. It's easy to take someone for granted, and think we know them so well, but at the end of the day … we just don't.

adora1 · 27/09/2016 12:52

Stop taking the blame for him being a shit partner, he's giving you nothing apart from a trail of his porn habit and as for the flirt for free, are you really that naïve to think he isn't talking to anyone, really?

I'd not go near him anyway until he actually started to treat me with respect, he sounds about 12 and emotionally stunted, he knows alright that you're unhappy and does jack shit about it.

DadWasHere · 27/09/2016 13:07

I need closeness to feel sexy and we have none of that anymore.

You need couples counselling, ASAP. When a baby comes into a relationship it can upset dynamics between parents, their personal triggers for sexual desire and fulfilment can de-sync or come apart, even if they are both good intentioned. They may not even have the same triggers as each other. You could ask yourself what left the relationship first, sex or closeness, or if they walked out the door at the same time.

If you need closeness to desire sex he may need sex to desire closeness. People easily understand the first approach but the polar opposite of it sounds like the cart before the horse or just plain selfish. Its neither actually, there are people who want closeness and no sex and people who like sex casual with no closeness. The people who find that their desire for closeness follows from sex are the ones who fall in love with those they have sex with.

JacquettaWoodville · 27/09/2016 13:13

"If you need closeness to desire sex he may need sex to desire closeness. "

It's not that simple, though.

Before babies, a couple have more time to be close and to have sex, and both at once, of course. It's not a flowchart, it's an atmosphere.

DadWasHere · 27/09/2016 13:31

It's not that simple, though.

...see the first paragraph.

JacquettaWoodville · 27/09/2016 13:43

Yes, I read it. Thanks for your concern.

DadWasHere · 27/09/2016 19:15

Yes, I read it. Thanks for your concern.

Why be snarky? Just how is the point you are making different to mine? The OP says she does not desire sex because they have no intimacy. Thats a normal attitude to have, but its not a given that getting intimacy will inspire her desires, and his porn use and her becoming aware of it has now vastly complicated things. One partner withdraws sex as the other withdraws intimacy and eventually they both realise something key has left their relationship.

JacquettaWoodville · 27/09/2016 19:36

"Why be snarky?"

As a result of your sarcastic post to me.

This sidebar isn't helping the OP, so I won't respond to you again.

mummarichardson · 27/09/2016 19:43

If you had a healthy sex life and he was watching porn then I would be inclined to echo the thoughts of others that is quite common for a man to watch porn. However with that not being the case then it is totally understandable you feel this way. Perhaps this could be the start of some serious conversations and although you are very hurt there is probably a reason behind him watching porn that you need to get to the bottom of. I had a poor sex life with my husband like a lot of people in the first year of DS life and at first it was me rejecting him and after a while he stopped trying and therefore I started to feel rejected! It maybe something similar.

Original poster
MrsOs · 27/09/2016 20:19

And how did you salvage things?

OP posts:
Blueskyrain · 27/09/2016 22:25

It sounds like neither of you are initiating sex or any other kind of intimacy. I don't think this is his fault any more than it is yours, but either both ought you or one of you needs to break the cycle.

If you need closeness before sex, then perhaps try introducing more closeness. Don't wait for him to hug you or kiss you or hold your hand, maybe try being more affectionate yourself to break the bad habit.

Oly5 · 27/09/2016 22:32

Me and my other half watch porn and I see no problem with it. But we also have a sex life.
The problem here OP is not that he's watching porn but that you guys are not having sex.
You need to sit down and really address this - even with the help of a counsellor.
It sounds like you've both built up barriers around it and it will take time to break down.
It's not
Your fault.... But neither is it his!!

mummarichardson · 28/09/2016 11:16

We talked to be honest, it started with me saying 'how come you don't want to have sex with me anymore' and he rather immaturely retaliated the same question. We then talked it through and put a date in the diary to have a at home date night. Wine, music and no tv! Once we got the first one out of the way, I made a concious effort to initiate it every now and then and his confidence started to build up again and would proposition me, we are by no means Perfect, we can still go a whole month without sex but some months can do it often as well. It's cliche but I think men are quite simple and show them some love and they give it in abundance back!
Still it does require someone to make the first move and once he saw me doing it he becomes more affectionate towards me. Good luck, don't pay any attention to the haters, only you know best Smile

Cocklodger · 28/09/2016 11:36

Well er yeah Dh HAS used porn, but he wouldn't dream of doing it now. we both have our (ethical) objections and I'd be pretty fucked off if he used it tbh.
I really can't stand to see ''all men use porn'' um no they don't, I'm sure a majority do (majority meaning over 50 percent not 99 percent) same as women, but you don't have to stand for it if it makes you uncomfortable. its not your fault he can't communicate with you and lies to your face about it

adora1 · 28/09/2016 14:09

Agree with cocklodger, not all men use and certainly not to the extent of the OPs OH, it sounds like he needs professional help if he'd rather watch porn than be active in his own relationship, this is not your fault OP, you don't have to be cool with his porn habit at all, in fact I'd ask him to stop now and concentrate on you being the real person and if he's not even willing to do that you should end it, it's pretty horrible what he has been doing.

SM91 · 17/09/2021 11:50

I am so upset to hear people condoning this behaviour. If he has to lie or hide ANYTHING it is being dishonest and lying in a relationship. I too have had porn take over my relationship where he would do it over being intimate in any way with me and it destroys relationships. If your getting turned on by watching another women who isn't your partner is is disrespectful bottom line. If you are feeling unsatisfied then talk to your partner and resolve, do not resort to bashing one out over unrealistic pornography and damage your relationship further. Not to mention knock your partners confidence!!!

Marjoriedrawers · 17/09/2021 11:56

Do you honestly believe the reason you haven't had sex for a year is just because he watches porn? Or is watching porn a symptom that the relationship was already in serious trouble? I'm not following how you would be shocked after no sex for a year that he might be wanking, or have you tried initiating sex for a year and he's turned it down?

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