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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has been watching porn

86 replies

MrsOs · 26/09/2016 20:36

So tonight my husband went to show me a you tube video of something funny and when i looked at the other sites open they were porn sites. I asked him what they were and he quickly deleted the pages said they popped up from the you tube video.. I knew that wasnt true.

Then he said he went on because they were talking about it at work and he couldnt believe it was that easy to access.. So he looked out of curiosity. I didnt believe that either. He had even deleted the browsing history but stupidly left the pages up.

So then i looked at the advanced web pages section in safari and it showed he had been on pornhubpremium and flirt4free... I confronted him and he confessed to looking at porn.

Im so hurt and angry. He never comes to bed with me and we havent had sex in nearly a year. We have had various rows where i say its over as i dont want to be in a loveless relationship but he says he loves me and its just we are so tired etc etc... Yeah tired of wanking over porn sites.

I thought i knew him.. I didnt think he was like that.. Im so shocked..

Wwyd if you were me?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsOs · 26/09/2016 22:03

Im not sure how i feel about him now, he was lying right to my face! He also said afterwards that when we first met i asked if he watched porn and he lied because he was embarrassed. He has probably been doing it for years and i had no idea. He swears he hasnt done the live chat that i found on his history but that is a pop up from porn hub... I dont know if i believe him.

OP posts:
Dieu · 26/09/2016 22:13

The porn is only part of the problem. No blame or judgement on you OP, but no sex in a whole year would spell disaster in any normal relationship.

BlasianFashionista · 26/09/2016 22:22

KarlosKKrinkelbeim I am not blaming her, but if there is no sex in the relationship it's only a matter of time before the man strays, how long do you expect him to wait?

In OPs case, he has turned to porn and now she's upset about it, probably wouldn't have happened if they had some kind of sex life.

Original poster
MrsOs · 26/09/2016 22:24

And its my fault we dont have sex? Is it down to me to initiate all the time?

OP posts:
Dieu · 26/09/2016 22:27

Not wholly your fault, no. But it was only a matter of time before things came to a head like this. Genuine question, but did either of you seek help over your sex life?

BlasianFashionista · 26/09/2016 22:30

MrsOs I really feel sorry for you, you shouldn't have to go through this.

Maxwellthecat · 26/09/2016 22:49

I can't believe people still think that if you don't give your husband sex then it's 'only a matter of time' before he strays. he should have the balls to confront their situation not have watch porn then lie about it.

imwithspud · 26/09/2016 22:59

All men watch porn, even if they say they don't

What a load of bollocks.

You haven't had sex with him in over a year, so what do you expect him to do?

More like he hasn't had sex with her because he's been to busy using porn to get his kicks.

Op please ignore the posters who are trying to imply that this is your fault, or that you're over reacting. You don't have to like porn and you don't have to accept it in your relationship. Especially when it is clearly affecting your relationship in a negative way. It seems like your partner is taking the easy route by using porn to get off, rather than trying to make things work with you. That is not okay, in fact it must be soul destroying and you do not have to put up with it.

RealityCheque · 27/09/2016 00:41

Pornhub DOES pop up a live chat window when you select a movie. He is telling the truth about that.

Porn is fine, imo. Replacing you with it, however, is not.

allsfairinlove · 27/09/2016 00:53

Porn is fine, imo. Replacing you with it, however, is not.

This.

Would you say you've ever had a good sex life with your DH? Putting aside his lack of initiative for a moment, is the sex itself good? Or is the lack of initiation the problem altogether?

wayway13 · 27/09/2016 01:17

What RealityCheque said. I wouldn't be bothered about the porn as long as he was still being intimate with me.

Removing porn from the issue, mo, you shouldn't have to initiate sex all the time but you do need to start. Your message at 2144 explains more. You said you lost your sex drive (understandably) and he stopped initiating (understandably). I've been there. I went off sex during first pregnancy then had a bad birth so was off it for ages. DH didn't want to be a sex pest so left it for me to start instigating again. After a few times he took it as an "all clear" and things got back to normal (ie we both initiate). Your DH might just be giving you space. He's kind of between a rock and a hard place there. If he initiates when you've had no sex drive then 1) he's being pushy and 2) he gets rejected. If he doesn't initiate, you're upset that he's not trying. You need to talk to him.

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay · 27/09/2016 01:26

Not all men watch porn. DP knows that's he's perfectly welcome to watch porn, as long as he's prepared to pack his bags afterwards.

DadWasHere · 27/09/2016 02:30

Nothing will grind a partner down more than being the one who has to initiate all the time, because they bare 100% of all rejection when their partner is not in the mood.

Also, initiating sex is often seen quite differently between genders. When a man initiates sex its generally as obvious as a flaming meteor across a night sky, 'grab your tits' obvious. But when a woman says she 'imitates sex' its often not 'grab his cock' obvious. Its feeling she has adequately signalled her sexual desires and if he does not get the message and act on those signals its on his shoulders sex does not happen.

DaveX · 27/09/2016 03:15

I would think 99.999% of men have watched porn - it's almost part of puberty and growing up and I'm guessing now with the internet it's a dead cert thing. But really after a while - smart men realise how damaging porn can be - in terms of erectile dysfunction, unrealistic expectations e.t.c.. My take on the porn thing - is a little every once in a while is ok, but constant porn is a recipe for sexual disaster!

Original poster
MrsOs · 27/09/2016 03:34

DaveX what do you mean in terms of erectile dysfunction?

OP posts:
DaveX · 27/09/2016 03:45

MrsOs it is a well known fact that the continual watching of porn escalates the amount of visual excitation needed to get a erection. This in turn escalates the type of porn needed, i.e. from soft porn thru to extreme porn. I'm guessing that it almost seems to become a addiction cycle - I have not experienced this - but I have read many posts about it and we all have mates who are porn addicts e.t.c.

PastoralCare · 27/09/2016 04:18

I really don't understand why that was a surprise. It may be that not 100% of men watch porn, but if there is no sex life, you can pretty much expect porn.

Then it's a vicious cycle, because the more angry you are at one another the less you are interested in sex with each other the more porn he'll watch.

If there is one thing that most posters will agree on, I think, is that porn is just the symptom, might have been alcohol in other circumstances.

Good luck but rather than being on the attack about porn and waste time trying to understand which pop ups might or might not appear and play "gotcha" take a step back and lay all cards on the table.

What are your grievances, what are his? Rebuild from there.

limbocentral · 27/09/2016 05:02

*Womb
*
"The "cool girls" 'round these parts love to tell women that they have to settle for less, or talk about watching it together with their men. They do this because they fundamentally think that if they don't act this way, they'll be alone. They act out of fear"

Huge generalisation (and extremely patronising?!). I watch porn with my partner at times. We have a healthy, loving relationship - nothing to do with fear! Plus I've spent time "alone" during my life - quite happily.

Ps - I've never been "cool" in my life. Geeky mostly.

OP - I agree that if it's replacing the physical element of your relationship then that's the problem. Talking would definitely seem the way to go - and couples counselling?

BlasianFashionista · 27/09/2016 06:27

DaveX 99.999 that is a huge percentage just because you indulge in it doesn't mean that that high number of men you've wrote down does also, you don't know the population of 99.999% of men and you've never taken part in any surveys so I don't know how you can be so confident, there's men out there that get sex on tab whenever they want it, so porn doesn't even come into it.

I'm sick of people on this site who say "all men so/watch it"

DaveX · 27/09/2016 06:50

BlasianFashionista

"I used to indulge in it when I was younger - I do not anymore"

My "survey" comes from my various close mates, friends and work mates over the last 30 years from puberty till now, and honestly I do not know 1 single male who has not seen or used any porn - really that is 100% true. So yes while 99.999% was a wild speculative figure on my part - it was more a figure of speech, meaning every bloke I've ever known has seen/used porn.

JacquettaWoodville · 27/09/2016 06:53

"there's men out there that get sex on tab whenever they want it, so porn doesn't even come into it."

Like men who buy consent, having a sexual partner does not preclude use of porn.

OP, have you and he ever talked about your relationship?

BlasianFashionista · 27/09/2016 06:56

DaveX That's you, your close friends and word colleagues which is under 1% of the entire nation, and the strange thing is that you've openly admitted it, like watching porn is something good.

Original poster
MrsOs · 27/09/2016 07:05

We have talked.. Things have changed so much since our son was born.. I'm up at the crack of dawn for work, he picks up son after nursery feeds him and then cooks dinner for when i get home I come in eat and then we have a battle getting on to bed and then fall into bed myself exhausted and he stays up as he says that's his unwinding time (now I know what happens then!!) and the cycle continues.. At the weekend I look after my mum and do stuff with son etc. I have said to him before it is like we are brother and sister. But it's like I've gone beyond being bothered to fix it. He makes no effort despite saying he wants to but I suppose I don't either although neither wants to break up. It's like the lack of intimacy has become the major elephant in the room...

OP posts:
katemess12 · 27/09/2016 07:08

Porn likely isn't the reason you're having relationship problems. A lot of men (and women!) watch porn and remain in happy relationships. I'm sure my DH watches porn, but it doesn't bother me and we're very happy.

You need to get to the root cause of your problems, and not get caught up in the fiddly little details like this. If you're fighting etc. that cannot be blamed on him watching porn.

I don't know a man alive who would choose wanking to porn over actually having sex, so don't be so quick to assume it's porn > you.

JacquettaWoodville · 27/09/2016 07:18

"don't know a man alive who would choose wanking to porn over actually having sex, so don't be so quick to assume it's porn > you."

Doesn't mean such men don't exist.

Porn, like buying consent, is a dead cert and is only about the consumer's pleasure. If op's DH is staying downstairs after she goes to bed, how is the having of sex going to happen?