Argument with DSis about Dbro's sex life.

[whatshouldihavesaid]

Name changed for this just in case my DSis sees this thread.

I'm one of three, I have an older brother and a younger sister. We're all married, around five years each.

DB lives away but he was home last week for work so the three of us went out. We don't see each other all that often, I don't know his DW very well but I like her.

After a few drinks DB admitted that they were having problems and said their sex life had dried up. Bear in mind we'd had a few. Not drunk but more honest than usual.

He said he'd suggested they try a few things to spice it up and she had rejected him totally, getting quite upset. Now they were in separate bedrooms. They'd not had sex for ages. He didn't know how to fix the situation short term or long term. He loves her and he wants to have a sexual relationship. She's not interested.

I suggested they need to talk. He needed to apologise for offending her, explain how he felt and suggested that when she was ready they could talk about how to move forward. I said that he could ask her if there was anything she'd like to do that might get things going again. (Thinking that if it was her idea he wouldn't be offending her.)

My DSis took a totally different approach, telling both of us that we shouldn't expect her to do something that she wasn't prepared to do and that she shouldn't be pressurised into having sex and that my DB should just suck it up if he really loved her.

DB got a bit angry and said how could she know she didn't like doing anything other than missionary with the lights off if she wasn't prepared to try anything else?

Anyhow the conversation went a bit south after that and I can't stop thinking about it.

So what should I have said? Surely an important part of a relationship is sex and that you both have a responsibility to find a middle way, whatever that might turn out to be, where both parties can be happy?

I'd hate to be in a sexless marriage. But I'd hate to be in a non communicative marriage which left me doing things I didn't want to just to appease my DH.

DB is still confused and unhappy and now DSis isn't really talking to me. I know it's probably none of my business but I'm trying to find peace with the whole thing.

Any ideas?

Yew!

My siblings life is nothing to do with me.

Your poor db, sounds like him & your dsil are having more issues than just a lack of sex. How long have they been married? Any children or stressful events?

Sounds more like your db is reaching out for help, & I don't think it's weird he spoke to his sisters, it's probably difficult for him to talk about it to his friends. He clearly needs some support & sounds like they need some therapy otherwise that is going to be a miserable marriage. Even if he's wrong in his approach to his wife he needs advice on how to communicate with her & talk. Your brother shouldn't suck it up, why should he stay in what sounds like a loveless marriage?

So he suggested "a few" things they should try to "spice up" their sex life, and in response his wife was so hurt and offended that they are now in separate bedrooms and have no sexual contact at all?

I think I'm more with your sister on this one.

What did he suggest to his wife?

His aggressive response about "missionary in the dark" suggests that he was disrespectful towards his wife and their previous sex life.

This sounds like a lot more than a woman losing her mojo.

To me this sounds like a man putting pressure on a woman to take part in sexual activity she wasn't keen on.

I wouldn't be prepared to stay in a sexless marriage, but if DH started demandind "spiced up" sex and disparaging the sex we have now, that would be the end of sexual contact between us.

Maybe forever.

but if DH started demanding "spiced up" sex and disparaging the sex we have now that would be the end of sexual contact between us.

^ this - it is very hurtful when your partner rubbishes the sex life you liked.

Nothing wrong with talking about sex life to family here! However I agree with the other posters about the missionary comment.

It does sound to me like there might be a bigger issue of him not really respecting his wife and it's come to a head. Is that possible?

We don't know how or what he said to his wife, but I can understand why he might not want to resign himself to dull sex for the rest of his life shudder

He does need a bit of tact with these things though.

I think that OP brother was probably quite desperate, and didn't know who to talk to. He asked his sisters because that was safer and less disloyal than asking his friends down the pub.

I don't think it was odd. I think it was a cry for help.

As to who is right, well you both are. Of course DW shouldn't do anything she doesn't want to. BUT sex is part of a normal relationship and if it has disappeared then they need to talk, communicate, find out what is going on. Is it actually about sex? Is there something else here? Is DW OK?

It is not a reasonable assumption that he should just live with it. If my dh did that to me, after a year or two, we would be splitting up. But the issue is communication. DW is shutting down and not talking.

They need help. Counselling, Relate, Sex therapy. something. But step one is an open and frank conversation, for DB to say he isn't happy the way things are and for her to be able to express how she feels and what is going on.

The trouble with the missionary comment to me is that it makes it sound like they've never had what he would consider 'spicy' sex. Why would you marry someone knowing that as an issue? And then bring it up years down the line? Wanting to get the spark back is not the same as never having tried something and your partner resenting you for it. The first is normal in a LTR the second is not.

I think instead of wanting to spice it up he should look at improving the basics (foreplay mainly and not put pressure for PIV ). That's only a guess but that's usually what's important for women.

But also agree with both you and your sister, although the missionary/spicing up comment makes me think he doesn't really have a clue about pleasuring women (big assumption though).

Eh? I'm a woman, and I wouldn't be content with the kind of sex he's mentioning, and would def want to 'spice it up' (though not using that phrase.

Even if he married her knowing what she is like, people change over time, and that includes sexually. YOu have to grow together in a marriage, and that may mean that your sex life evolves. It shouldn't stay the same forever. That sounds awful.

He didn't mention a kind of sex, he used standard disparaging remarks used by people who mistakenly think they are sexually adventurous.

Nobody is under any obligation to change their sexual preferences just because they are married to a boring sex pest who doesn't have any clue how sex actually works.

Hint: that includes everyone who thinks sex is something you "spice up".

I'm must thinking how I'd feel for my SIL to know about my sexual appetites/preferences.

(Thinks).

Vomits.

Leaves thread.

Just an impression I got. It doesn't read like the comment of someone being mature and empathetic. Just seems a bit off to word it like that. Might be wrong.

Hi all,

Sorry, been working so missed a lot of this thread.

Also need to apologise. Think 'spice it up' was actually my phrase, rather than DB's. I shall henceforth never ever say it again!

Spoke to both of them today on text. I don't have a lot of info but it seems that DB and his DW had a long talk and they're both open to seeing a councillor. So that's good.

Asked DSis if she was okay and wanted to talk. She just said she was snowed under with kid stuff. I can certainly relate to that.

Thanks all for your advice. I really appreciate it!

It must be miserable in DB's home while he and your SIL have this issue so if they're considering couples' counselling hope it helps. To me yes it's an important element of a serious relationship but one of many - so agree with other posters there could be more going on beneath the surface.

I hope things are fine between you and your DSis it's a jolt sometimes when we seem to be on the same page with people close to us and then oh look we're not.

On the positive side it's nice that you're all close enough to discuss this. I am not especially surprised one of you held different views so perhaps with DSis the old maxim "Avoid talking about religion sex and politics" holds true.

Nothing wrong with talking about sex life to family except they're going to remember that conversation forever.

"On the positive side it's nice that you're all close enough to discuss this."

I don't really agree because in this context, SIL was also being spoken about.

I was looking at it from the viewpoint of the siblings, I hope to God the SIL never hears it's been discussed with her in laws.

That's the problem with disussing your sex life, or lack of, isn't it-there's usually someone else involved!

If the guy had discussed it with a female friend, rather than his sister, people would probably have thought it was innapropriate or a come on - at least that issue can't be raised with his sister. Where a female perspective is required, I think it was a sensible thing to do.