Argument with DSis about Dbro's sex life.

[whatshouldihavesaid]

Name changed for this just in case my DSis sees this thread.

I'm one of three, I have an older brother and a younger sister. We're all married, around five years each.

DB lives away but he was home last week for work so the three of us went out. We don't see each other all that often, I don't know his DW very well but I like her.

After a few drinks DB admitted that they were having problems and said their sex life had dried up. Bear in mind we'd had a few. Not drunk but more honest than usual.

He said he'd suggested they try a few things to spice it up and she had rejected him totally, getting quite upset. Now they were in separate bedrooms. They'd not had sex for ages. He didn't know how to fix the situation short term or long term. He loves her and he wants to have a sexual relationship. She's not interested.

I suggested they need to talk. He needed to apologise for offending her, explain how he felt and suggested that when she was ready they could talk about how to move forward. I said that he could ask her if there was anything she'd like to do that might get things going again. (Thinking that if it was her idea he wouldn't be offending her.)

My DSis took a totally different approach, telling both of us that we shouldn't expect her to do something that she wasn't prepared to do and that she shouldn't be pressurised into having sex and that my DB should just suck it up if he really loved her.

DB got a bit angry and said how could she know she didn't like doing anything other than missionary with the lights off if she wasn't prepared to try anything else?

Anyhow the conversation went a bit south after that and I can't stop thinking about it.

So what should I have said? Surely an important part of a relationship is sex and that you both have a responsibility to find a middle way, whatever that might turn out to be, where both parties can be happy?

I'd hate to be in a sexless marriage. But I'd hate to be in a non communicative marriage which left me doing things I didn't want to just to appease my DH.

DB is still confused and unhappy and now DSis isn't really talking to me. I know it's probably none of my business but I'm trying to find peace with the whole thing.

Any ideas?

That's not what I meant Margaret.

Not something I do with DB but that's because he doesn't talk much at all but do speak to my dsil mostly in the context of ttc, of post childbirth etc. Has come up with my aunt too. Not sure what the problem is!

Not bleurgh at all OP. As you were.

As to a solution, I have no idea but I feel for all parties as its very tough. Lots of talking required I think.

If this was three sisters talking and looking for advice it would be fine. I think the brother is crying out for help and it is awesome that he can talk openly with his sisters.

It is a problem, he is looking for a solution. (he is not an asshole)

Well the conversation has happened now. As I said we don't see her very much and we aren't the kind of family who are going to bring it up at the next family christening.

It's not like this thread is outing, only DSis would recognise it.

But from people's replies, I'm getting the message that a sex therapist is in order?

And DSis is talking to me, just not about Db.

I don't think it was a weird conversation between siblings. But my heart goes out to both DB his wife: she doesn't want sex at all, his way of persuading her to want more sex is to suggest she has more of it. Yuk. presumably he has completely missed the point that there is probably a fundamental relationship issue to be addressed and a pair of fluffy handcuffs isn't going to,do,the job.

They need counselling.

Your brother's marriage sounds in real trouble if a conversation about their sex life, resulted in seperate bedrooms. Counselling is a good idea if his wife continues to not talk but he has to make it clear to his wife that not talking, isn't an option. It sounds like the topic has hit a raw nerve with your DSis and I doubt she really thinks 'sucking it up' is a desired sentiment in a marriage. Wait till she calms down and then see if she's more forthcoming.

Not sex therapy, which just addresses sexual problems, proper counselling to address any underlying issues in the relationship. Don't turn it into Fixing her Broken Sex Drive - ther may be much more going on than that. Suggest she reads Come As You Are too.

Conversations about the actual quality of sex within a marriage is not

Why not? Are people not allowed to speak to friends/relations about issues in their marriages to get support?

I think counselling has to be the answer & one of them needs to concede ground & call it. He's going to drive her away if he contributes badgering her & she's going to drive him away if she stays in denial.
I think you handled it well op

I have been the girlfriend / wife with the incredibly low sex drive. I can tell you now that as PP have said, pressurising her for sex will only lead to her wanting it less and avoiding all intimacy in case it leads to sex. Standard (professional) advice I got given was is to take sex off the table entirely for a period of time to let her relax a little, or timetable it (grim I know) so again, the pressure is off her.

That said, it sounds incredibly difficult for your DBro and if she is unwilling to talk about it could become a major problem. Counselling can help.

So you were both right I think. Also as PP have said, perhaps this has touched a nerve for your DSis?

i would rather talk to a sibling than a friend.. we grew up together, we give each other advice all the time and should be able to trust each other explicitly.

I don't think its even slightly weird, and i don't think there was anything wrong with either of your opinions.

No, she shouldn't be forced into doing something she doesn't want to do, but equally, they DO need to talk about it and he could try going back to basics of romancing her again, but without expectations... but they definitely need to talk it through together as a couple.

I think it sounds like DB and DSIL do need some help to communicate and find a way forward, hopefully.

I also think DSIL needs not to find out that her husband was discussing their sex life (or lack of it) with his sisters, for the sake of her dignity and continued relationship with you all.

I really don't understand some of the comments on here. The brother was asking his sisters' opinion, I'm guessing that he wanted a female opinion and they were a safe non-judgemental option.

I think the other sisters viewpoint is skewed. No one has mentioned that the sister in law do things she's not happy with but merely to discuss things and open channels of communication. If they don't communicate nothing will ever get resolved and they'll drift furthur apart.

I'd have a chat to your DB OP and let him know if he needs a someone to talk to that you're there. You sound like a fab sister.

I don't think there's any suggestion that OP's Brother is 'pressuring' or 'badgering'. OP only mentions one attempt to confront the issue and that went so badly that it's led to separate rooms. It's impossible to know how it caused such an upset.

I think that your advice sounds fine OP and not so different from your Sister's who only seems to have pointed out that SIL shouldn't be pressured into anything that she doesn't want to do. Something which you would presumably agree with.

This has got to be a reverse?

OP, could you clarify, as I'm not following.

You say they're in a sexless marriage, but is it the case that is a very recent development following your DB's attempt to 'spice it up?'

Because wanting to talk to a partner about a sexless marriage and worrying about the marriage being in trouble due to no sex is understandable.

Thinking the marriage is in trouble because you're dissatisfied with missionary is ridiculous.

Or is the marriage in trouble for other reasons?

Why the actual fuck is he discussing his wife's sexual preferences with his sisters?

that's harsh. men often don't talk about their problems, and its his sisters not some strumpet! and he was pissed......

I do hope she never finds out about this conversation - it would probably strike the death knell on their marriage.

I found out (in that he mentioned it almost in passing) that my XH had discussed, at least in part, our sexual difficulties (well he considered them mine alone) with his friend, whom I could never really get on with. I wasn't very happy about it but he blamed me for this, accusing me of being more concerned about what people thought than about our sex life being shit. (The fact that our sex life - such as it was - was half his responsibility too didn't seem to bother him.)

As he had only told me almost by accident, I can only assume it was something he might well have shared with others - including maybe one of his sisters. It made me feel even less like having sex with him. It felt such a betrayal - I have never been able to even contemplate having sex with anyone else.

Yes, it's his sisters. People his wife will have to have family meals with and spend holidays with for as long as they're together.

Fuck me, this used to be a board for support. It's full of crappy bitch-ploppers now.

OP? If you're still reading, I think your advice was spot on. It's not wrong to discuss private and personal things with your siblings. Not at all.

I agree with you. I'd also go as far as saying if I were your db, if things didn't improve and she wouldnt discuss or try to improve things. I'd likely have to end the relationship. I wouldnt stay in a relationship with no sex.

I can see a DB perhaps wanting to get female perspective on his ideas to re-interest his wife in sex. As long as it doesn't wander into 'stick this in there' descriptive territory or a slagging off of his wife, I don't have a problem with it.

I've also found that many men's ideas of 'spicing things up' always seem to include sexy lingerie, strip-tease, 50 shades territory, and blow jobs. They very rarely include things like sharing housework or doing the nightly wash-and-tidy, getting the kids to sleep, or seeing that the wife has a bit of time for herself in the evening.

No woman should ever be pressured into performing sexually no matter what she may or may not have done or appeared to like in the past. That being said, I also feel that everyone is entitled to a healthy sex life. I think DB needs to stop suggesting sexual practices and start talking 'past practices' and emotional issues. Perhaps she's never really liked certain things they have routinely done and she's just done with pretending. And unless his wife is having physical problems that are affecting her desire then chances are that if he'd take the time to find out what's really bothering her things might improve. At the very least he'll find out the state of his marriage and whether or not he (or she) wants to continue it.

DB may have had only one conversation about this, but I doubt that's the only time he's said anything to her. There may have been one 'sit down conversation' about 'spicing it up' (vom emoji), but I'd be willing to be there have been many occasions of him attempting sex and being less than kind when she's refused or less than kind remarks made during the day.

Honestly wouldn't have a problem with my dh asking his sister for advice. Also I talk to my dsis about sex occasionally. Why shouldnt I my db if he needs the advice of another woman.

BlancheBlue and Blanchedevereux - not a reverse. If you doubt the thread maybe you could go hang out somewhere else instead and talk about the coincidence of your similar names?

For everyone else - thanks for your help. Although I'm worried about DSis. now. Think I'll have a think about the best way to let her know that she can talk to me if she wants to.

Men actually get a really hard time on here from a lot of people. We as women come here and start threads for advice. If men do it they tend to get ripped by a lot of people who reply. We speak to our sisters. Yet here ops db is also being questioned for that.

Who should they ask for female advice when they are hitting a brick wall of communication at home.