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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend has suddenly shut me out and deleted me

59 replies

BlueAndPinkPolkadots · 25/09/2016 08:45

I've been on and off with a guy who works away for a couple of years now, the distance has been testing to say the least but we made it work. For the most part the relationship was quite casual. A few months ago we decided we would make a proper go of it with a view to move in together which would mean me upping sticks and moving 200 miles away which I was happily prepared to do as I adore the man, happy days so I thought - finally we are getting somewhere.

Three months into being "official" and just before I'm about to move across the country he's still got his relationship status on Facebook as single and doesn't want certain friends of his to know me and him are a couple. Rightly so I felt I needed reassurance before I take such a big step, so I sent him a message asking him why he was insistent on being so secretive about the relationship and said I needed to be %100 sure he was serious about me before I took such a big step.

He has a paddy, tells me he lives in the real world and I need to get a hobby as my paranoia is boring (I've raised the issue of our relationship being a secret a total of maybe three times as my moving date approached - I'm not a paranoid person at all) then deletes me from Facebook and totally blanks me. We haven't spoken in three days. Clearly the move is off now and he won't acknowledge a single one of my messages. I've even been doubting my own self esteem wondering whether I came off as paranoid and needy, but then who wouldn't want to know the man they love wasn't playing the field before they made a life changing move? I don't think I need at all, nor do my family.

To salvage the relationship I tell him fine ok the Facebook thing isn't a problem. I understand it doesn't matter. (Mug on my forehead no doubt) but he goes on to completely blank me like he was looking for an excuse to end it anyway. He later tells a mutual friend of ours that he loves me but can't be doing with the 'hassle' as he has a lot on at work.

Am I remotely in the wrong for raising the issue? Would anyone else be okay with his position? Does it seem like he was serious about me at all?

OP posts:
VanillaSugarandChristmasSpice · 25/09/2016 08:51

He sounds very selfish, self-centred and non-commital. I think your relationship is over but he done this in the most appalling and childish way.

He may have been seeing other people....

Be kind to yourself as this is him being a twunt, not you being a mug. Change the word "paranoia" to "suspicious" and everything will become much clearer.

I'm so sorry. FlowersChocolateChocolateBrew

Cary2012 · 25/09/2016 08:54

Of course you're not wrong in raising the issue of him keeping you a secret.

He sounds horrible, I don't want to sound flippant, but girl you've just dodged a bullet!

Have a good cry, pick yourself up and get out there and meet a man who would be proud of you.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 25/09/2016 08:57

Dodged a bullet for sure.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/09/2016 09:08

I think you have dodged a bullet there, you did not know him at all really yet you were prepared to move some considerable distance away (and from your own means of support) for someone like him. He has a lot of red flags about him and those were either minimised or simply not recognised by you. He is the one who has made you feel like this, he is the one who is paranoid and one who has managed to transfer his own issues onto you.

And relationships do not have to be salvaged either. You cannot ever act as either a rescuer or saviour in any relationship.

millymollymomoooo · 25/09/2016 09:08

Get rid!

He has no respect for you and I'm wondering how much self-respect you have for yourself to be with such an openly awful man?

doji · 25/09/2016 09:08

Being needy in a relationship is just a sign that you have some needs that aren't being met. If you being these things up, a decent boyfriend will do his best to address those needs, or at the very least try to find a reasonable compromise. A shitty boyfriend will throw it back in your face, claim you're unreasonable or generally behave like a prick about it. You have the shitty boyfriend variant.

Original poster
BlueAndPinkPolkadots · 25/09/2016 09:10

Thanks ladies,

Despite second guessing myself, I think deep down I knew the reality of the situation is he just wasn't serious about me. He previously claimed he wanted to wait until we had some 'traction' behind us before going completely public, but if admitting our Love for one another and me upping sticks and moving 200 miles isn't traction then I don't know what is.

I'm going through the motions quite badly at the moment. There's been times before now where he's gone in a mood and said were done before mellowing after a day or two and making contact, but the deleting me from Facebook and blanking my every message seems to final to me - it really hurts. His birthday has just gone and I went to a great deal of effort travelling to see him, spent a small fortune on his gifts which I could ill afford, and went out of my way for him big time - I feel such a mug.

OP posts:
lilybetsy · 25/09/2016 09:10

He sounds horrible and not at all committed, I think you have dodged a bullett too..

Collarsandcutoffs · 25/09/2016 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BlueAndPinkPolkadots · 25/09/2016 09:33

I'm trying to drill it in to myself that he doesn't want to be with me and isn't coming back, but blind hope has me wishing he would just reply to my messages. I think he's playing a game now because he's opening even the shortest of messages on Facebook messenger, such as "goodnight" and he doesn't need to click the message to see what I've put - I think he wants me to know he's reading them and choosing to ignore me. He could easily see those messages in the chat list and not open them - they're short enough to fill the window without being opened - it all just seems very callous to me at the moment. Like "I'm seeing what you put and don't think you deserve a response"

My anxiety is playing up badly at the minute, and for a man who knows this his actions seem purely spiteful.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueAndPinkPolkadots · 25/09/2016 09:35

Also I said to him if this is really it for us then just block me, help me to help myself move on as at the moment due to a lack of closure I'm just torturing myself - yet he doesn't block me - just keeps me deleted from his Facebook. What a nasty person he is showing himself to be

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 25/09/2016 09:36

Thank God you found out before you moved.

He sounds like he wanted the convenience of a girlfriend/sex but wasn't actually that bothered about you, or whether you were happy, and he'd rather put effort in elsewhere with others.

Very cruel of him. But just be glad you found out now.

There are better relationships out there for you for certain!

TheNaze73 · 25/09/2016 09:36

He's a game playing twat. Probably been messed about by other women & taking it out on you.
You're worth more than this OP. Delete him

AyeAmarok · 25/09/2016 09:40

Cross-posted.

Stop giving him all this control over you! It doesn't matter if he says you're over; YOU'VE decided that the relationship is over, because he's not the sort of person you'd want to be with. He doesn't get to decide.

I suspect once you have some distance from this relationship your anxiety will be eased significantly. He is probably a really major cause of it.

Block him.

AbyssinianBanana · 25/09/2016 09:42

Why can't you just block him?

He's behaving appallingly and it's not the first time. Imagine what he will be like if you moved? You know, actually wanting to be an active part of his life and get to know him and his family (because that's why you were moving right)?

He'd be labelling you clingy and controlling and have you doubting yourself within weeks, while he carried on his single life without you.

tighterthanscrooge · 25/09/2016 09:43

I'm wondering if he's in a relationship with someone else where he is living and has now had to bin you off, sorry if saying this has upset you OP.
What an awful selfish man thank the Lord you didn't move across the country!

Cabrinha · 25/09/2016 09:44

It's not worth speculating whether he's opening short messages to mess you about, but I always open them because otherwise the messenger app icon tells me I have unread messages. Also, unread messages irritate me - it's untidy! I would say don't waste any more time thinking about that.

Definitely dodged a bullet. I don't have a relationship status on FB because I think it's twee as fuck. Only person I know who insisted on it was a friend's GF who I think was trying to build a history for immigration! But hiding you in any way in real life is unacceptable.

Time to cut this one right out. Thank goodness you didn't move!

Cabrinha · 25/09/2016 09:45

And even if a relationship is going brilliantly, don't ever spend money when you can't afford to!

Inexperiencedchick · 25/09/2016 09:45

I remember being "needy" and receiving advise from a man-child to do a meditation as he came to a conclusion I have brain problems.
It's not you, it's him!
As PPs said your needs haven't been met and I bet he is seeing other women.
You are not paranoid.
He is keeping his options open, and you don't need to be one of those options ;)
Treat yourself for something nice, don't date for awhile and workin self value. And don't move. 💐

AnyFucker · 25/09/2016 09:50

He's done you a favour by dumping you before you change your whole life for him ( if you can look at it like that)

People who hide relationships have something to hide. Full stop. He will have been shagging around or even have a long term relationship where he lives.

Now stop messaging him. You are demeaning yourself. He doesn't want you and never did. You were just a diversion. Anybody that does the hot/cold stop/start thing is a dick who likes to keep the upper hand. You take that power back now and block him for good.

AmserGwin · 25/09/2016 09:57

In the nicest possible way, you need to have more self respect. Stop messaging him, stop allowing him to treat you like this. This is not the man for you

Original poster
BlueAndPinkPolkadots · 25/09/2016 10:03

Yeah I definitely need to work on having more self respect, I've made myself look like a doormat who can be walked all over. In general I'm not this person, it's the way he's gone about it that's thrown all my emotions all over the place and made me feel desperate. If he had just told me decently that he didn't want to be with me then I would take it on the chin, it would hurt granted but nowhere near as badly as this. I would love to say that if he did finally message me back I could tell him to bugger off but much to my own detriment I don't think I would. I spent quite a while planning this move and he was even talking of us buying a place together, settling for good. It's gone from alleged happiness to complete coldness. I wouldn't be surprised if he was seeing someone else at all. He's a cold cold man.

OP posts:
Donthate · 25/09/2016 10:07

Block him and run for the hills. At least you know what he is like now before you move to be with him. Flowers be kind to yourself

HorridHenrietta2 · 25/09/2016 10:14

You hit the nail on the head in the first post, he was looking for an excuse. There's more going on behind the scenes for sure but, as others have said, you've had a lucky escape and given time for the pain to fade, you will be able to see this.
Please stop sending short messages and torturing yourself about why he opened them. Even if he comes back tomorrow with a brilliant explanation, you will always feel insecure.
Block him and start dating again, find a guy who treats you well.

RaRaRamona · 25/09/2016 10:20

Good advice offered here OP.
Sadly for you , he is simply not that into you but for some reason , is playing games with you.
One word of advice , try not to use the word 'paddy'for temper tantrum. It is derogatory .
Good luck in getting him out of your head.