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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend has suddenly shut me out and deleted me

59 replies

BlueAndPinkPolkadots · 25/09/2016 08:45

I've been on and off with a guy who works away for a couple of years now, the distance has been testing to say the least but we made it work. For the most part the relationship was quite casual. A few months ago we decided we would make a proper go of it with a view to move in together which would mean me upping sticks and moving 200 miles away which I was happily prepared to do as I adore the man, happy days so I thought - finally we are getting somewhere.

Three months into being "official" and just before I'm about to move across the country he's still got his relationship status on Facebook as single and doesn't want certain friends of his to know me and him are a couple. Rightly so I felt I needed reassurance before I take such a big step, so I sent him a message asking him why he was insistent on being so secretive about the relationship and said I needed to be %100 sure he was serious about me before I took such a big step.

He has a paddy, tells me he lives in the real world and I need to get a hobby as my paranoia is boring (I've raised the issue of our relationship being a secret a total of maybe three times as my moving date approached - I'm not a paranoid person at all) then deletes me from Facebook and totally blanks me. We haven't spoken in three days. Clearly the move is off now and he won't acknowledge a single one of my messages. I've even been doubting my own self esteem wondering whether I came off as paranoid and needy, but then who wouldn't want to know the man they love wasn't playing the field before they made a life changing move? I don't think I need at all, nor do my family.

To salvage the relationship I tell him fine ok the Facebook thing isn't a problem. I understand it doesn't matter. (Mug on my forehead no doubt) but he goes on to completely blank me like he was looking for an excuse to end it anyway. He later tells a mutual friend of ours that he loves me but can't be doing with the 'hassle' as he has a lot on at work.

Am I remotely in the wrong for raising the issue? Would anyone else be okay with his position? Does it seem like he was serious about me at all?

OP posts:

greenfolder · 25/09/2016 10:24

You do not want to settle for that.
You deserve someone who is proud to with you and cannot wait to tell the world.

frumpet · 25/09/2016 10:24

Give him a taste of his own medicine , block him , de-friend him whatever else you need to do to go no contact . He isn't worth your time or energy .

headinhands · 25/09/2016 10:33

He sounds like an ex. Any attempt to discuss what I found upsetting was met with 'you've got mental health issues/you need a hobby'. In reality he didn't care about me and just wanted me to shut up. He soon fabricated a situation where I had to end it but he wanted it to look like I was high maintenance. It was all very head thrashy.

ImperialBlether · 25/09/2016 10:35

You were the one prepared to make the move and suffer the upheaval with jobs etc and he wasn't even admitting he was in a relationship?

You deserve far, far more than this, OP. There's only one reason someone says they're single on FB, in my opinion. You deserve someone who's as good to you as you are to him.

TroysMammy · 25/09/2016 10:38

This may or my not be helpful, fuck him and have a wonderful life you deserve.

EweAreHere · 25/09/2016 10:45

Just stop. You're still asking 'him' to help 'you' with 'your' behaviour. Just stop.

Block him. Take some responsibility for your own actions and block him. Delete him from your life and move on.

You might consider counselling to see why you continued to stay in a relationship that wasn't really a relationship and are now asking him to help you move forward. Anyone who wants to keep their relationship a secret ... and for two years! ... isn't truly interested in having a relationship with you. Find some pride and self-respect, and look for someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

You have indeed dodged a bullet. Be glad you didn't actually move!
Take care.

Finola1step · 25/09/2016 10:48

You are a lucky, lucky woman.

Many of us have had ltr that weren't the right ticket. Many have made life changing decisions which have turned into a crock of shit.

But you listened to your gut. You were right to ask the questions. Yes, you feel rotten right now. But by goodness, you dodged a big, fat bullet.

Now time to look after yourself. Delete him, block him, get rid. Spend time doing things you enjoy with people you care about. Lick your wounds and soon they will heal.

SirChenjin · 25/09/2016 10:54

He's a nasty bully and you got away in time. In a few years time when you're with someone who deserves you and who worships the ground you walk on, you will thank your lucky stars that he showed his true colours before he did any more damage.

Definitely block, de-friend, delete and everything else possible on all forms of communication. He is not worth your time. Take time to breathe and to reflect on this - you've been through a heck of a lot, and you need time to gather your strength and move on. You can do it

Squeegle · 25/09/2016 10:54

Oh my goodness, he is awful. Block him, get him out of your mind, and as the others said, be thankful hat you didn't move. He is childish and selfish - it is nothing you did, apart from you were far too accommodating. He is emotionally unavailable and you would do well to read about emotionally unavailable men and work out why you are attracted to them. It was an illumination for me!

GabsAlot · 25/09/2016 10:56

agree with other pp's

take control block him-hes prob sitting there laughing wiht mates saying look shes still messaging me i got her dangling(sorry to be harsh)

how old is he btw he sound about 18

Squeegle · 25/09/2016 10:57

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/
This is an excellent site. I promise it will help!

ThePinkOcelot · 25/09/2016 11:02

Totally off topic, but what the hell is wrong with using the word "paddy"?!!

Sorry this has happened to you OP but I really think you deserve better. Far better you find out now than when you've moved your life 200 miles!

Cary2012 · 25/09/2016 11:02

I think you have a fantasy of the relationship you want with this man, and have clung on to this rose tinted version of him to fulfill the fantasy. We've all been there.

For some inexplicable reason (his sad ego perhaps?) he's kept you dangling, feeding your fantasy of a lovely future. Some people get a hell of a kick out of the ego boost of knowing someone is there who would fall over themselves, even up sticks and move hundred of miles to be with them. It's wrong, it's horrible, it happens.

Forgive yourself for over-investing in a worthless man.

I think he's quite recently met someone else, but has kept you as plan B. He's gutless, so rather than tell you the truth, he's turned it around to blame your 'neediness'.

You are not a mug. But you will be if you persist in checking Facebook, or hoping it will change, and be ok. It won't be ok, because he's not a decent man.

Don't waste any longer investing in this dead relationship. Learn from it though. Don't ignore red flags in future.

Set your bar higher. Sadly in this life, many people judge your worth by how you judge your own worth.
Good luck.

AnyFucker · 25/09/2016 11:04

I think "paddy" refers to the Irish being generally a bad tempered nationality (not true of course)

A bit of a shitty stereotype

Original poster

BlueAndPinkPolkadots · 25/09/2016 11:11

Thanks for your words of advice ladies. God knows I needed to hear them. He's definitely emotionally unavailable and I know that in time to come I'll be glad I saw the light now rather than later. At least this way I still have my life here in tact and haven't sacrificed my job, local friends and family to be with him.

He's 26, just turned.. I'm 22 so we are both still young but mature for our ages in different ways. He has always come across as wiser than his years until this point though, like an old soul, and he did a good job of convincing me and the small number of friends who did know about us (2) that he was ready to settle down and there was even talk of a career change and children rolls eyes in fact the way he spoke about it made him sound like a man in his forties, lol

He's in the military and has been since he was 18 so he's always worked away and never had long term and serious relationships. I've known him since I was 13 but I guess I never really 'knew' him at all, it's only been the past few years that we've had a physical relationship and people are completely different depending on the nature of said relationship at the time. He said I was the love of his life which is absolute cock and bull evidently but I'll get over that in time.

I think I definitely dodged that bullet at just the right time, and perhaps I'm too young to be thinking he was "the one" after all

OP posts:

Cary2012 · 25/09/2016 11:12

Oh I don't know AF, I'm Irish, and I get in a right strop at some of the twunts I read about on here!

I don't find 'paddy' offensive, but I appreciate others might.

GabsAlot · 25/09/2016 11:15

well it seems hes been dangling u along for a long time now

you dont treat a friend like that let alone a girlfriend

Original poster

BlueAndPinkPolkadots · 25/09/2016 11:15

And apologies if I caused offence by using the term "paddy"

I wasn't actually aware it was referring to the Irish being supposedly bad tempered, I naively assumed it was a light hearted term used to describe somebody having a tantrum, like having a wobble

OP posts:

shatteredmumtobe · 25/09/2016 11:21

Been there and done that with the military man...... I guess you have to ask yourself even if he was to reply now, would you be able to trust that he wouldn't do something like this again? Surely the seeds of doubt have been been well rooted now.

I know you're probably thinking "just one more message" or "il give him to midday" ...... Just block him and go out and leave your phone for a few hours, trust me in the long term you will feel better for it.

I know it's hard, good luck

shatteredmumtobe · 25/09/2016 11:24

Also, I should add I am now married to a military guy so they're not all like that, but I know the "checking your phone" syndrome only to well.

And honestly if he doesn't want it on Facebook, it's because he's telling someone he is single.

You're worth more than that.

Squeegle · 25/09/2016 11:26

I don't think you're too young to find "the one" btw, but "the one" would treat you as well as your best friend would treat you, and there would NEVER be any reason to keep a relationship secret. I went out with someone when I was about 21, he always insisted on telling people we were just good friends. Kept his options open I suppose. I look back now and think why on earth did I put up with that.

Finola1step · 25/09/2016 11:28

Blimey love, you're 22! 20, flipping 2!

I thought you were more like 42 from your OP. I'm 42, which is great by the way

You really have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste one more second on this prick.

BeMorePanda · 25/09/2016 11:40

Block him. It will feel great.

Original poster

BlueAndPinkPolkadots · 25/09/2016 11:52

I think I'm going to have to. It's clear he has no desire to speak to me about his decision. He even tried telling me a few days ago that I was the one who ended the relationship by telling him I didn't want a secret relationship if I'm moving all that way. I said I wasn't ending the relationship but wanted the relationship to be a proper one. Despite my repeating of the fact "I'm not ending this" he's said I have and said he's sticking with my decision. Such childishness.

On his way to my block list he goes.

OP posts:

shatteredmumtobe · 25/09/2016 12:03

You have no idea how scarily familiar this all sounds, block him from Facebook....... When he does text you, which he inevitably will ..... Ignore, ignore, ignore no matter how tempting "one reply" will seem.

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