I may be about to leave the loveliest person in the world and I am devastated

[StrawberryMoonFace]

Namechanged and IDing details changed as I suspect both DP and some friends use MN.

I met DP fourteen years ago and we have been together for 13. We were 19 at the time, which strikes me as stupidly, impossibly young.

Over the years we have had some issues but got through. For a long time DP was very difficult to live with - timid, depressive, lazy, overweight and unhealthy and drinking too much. With great self resolve, DP has put all of that behind. I have also had issues with depression and I know I haven't been the easiest. When things were hard before, I waited for it to pass and counted my blessings. We have pets (no children yet), and a lovely house, and lovely friends.

DP worships me. And is genuinely the kindest and sweetest person I know. Frankly deserves much better than me. So this is breaking my heart.

The issue is, that after 13 years something has withered or fizzled. I feel this enormous resentment over all the things I have never done because of my commitment to this relationship. I have never really been a single adult. To put it crudely, I don't think I have slept with enough people. DP was only my 2nd proper sexual partner. I am no longer even sure that I am attracted to DP's gender. Or if I attracted enough to sustain me in a marriage for life.

I have spent most of the last week crying or feeling utterly despondent. I can't believe I am about to do something so awful to my best friend, my confidant. But I am also afraid of how much my resentment will grow if I stay.

For months now I have been trying to convince myself that I am not really a sexual person, or that if DP is 90% happy that can bolster my 40% to 60%, IYSWIM. But I don't think that's the case.

I thought we would grow old together.

DP keeps asking me what is wrong and is trying so hard to cheer me up and that just makes it worse.

Please be gentle.

I don't know what to do.

Trucking, the sex is very much in the latter category.

For the first few years there was a novelty element, and then I loved how much I could please DP.

Truthfully, very rarely got much out of it on my own terms.

I've recently been trying to convince myself that I am not a very sexual person, but I don't think thats the case.

To those frustrated by what I am obscuring, I am sorry. You don't have to post if you don't feel you can say anything on the facts I have given. I am giving all the facts I can while protecting both myself and the other person involved. As I have said, I suspect people I know are on MN.

Ultimately you have the choice to just up and leave or try and change the dynamic of the relationship. Leaving seems the obvious thing however you are a part of what created this relationship and you'll be taking who you are forward with you so why would another relationship be any different ?
You want to travel and your partner doesn't want to? Fine go without them, if the very act of you going away without them is a deal breaker then it may hasten the end but many people go away without their partners for a variety of reasons and still have good relationships (including mine).

Once you address some areas of dissatisfaction in your relationship then the other areas will be clearer. Yes you may ultimately still need to leave or you may find that making changes and getting out of the rut improves other areas too. If it is that hard to leave then maybe knowing you've explored all avenues first may make a future departure easier (for both of you)

I don't really think the purpose of life is only to do things that make us feel happy. Depends how you define happiness, if you go full on into "a life well lived, exercising the full range of human capacities" there might be a case for it, but that's a bit of a thicker concept than most people mean when they talk of happiness (except possibly Aristotle).

The whole universe isn't that anthropocentric.Things are a bit bigger than that.

I mention this because, paradoxically, a life pursuing happiness at the expense of any other consideration is quite unlikely to lead to happiness.

You might find a better path to contentment/happiness is found by focussing on what you want to achieve with your life. And starting to do it. Then the decision about who to be with might come a bit easier when you are not so caught up in the actual nitty gritty of it. You might not need to make a decision at all- your current DP might decide to get with the programme or jump ship.

However, if there is any question of you taking someone past their child bearing years, then just end it now and quit dithering. If your current DP has any expectation at all that you will have children together, you need to let them know where you are at PRONTO. Otherwise you will be Chris Moyles.

OP you need to move on
Not because of wanting to sleep around but because clearly you want to be single. You don't feel like your own person at the moment, the good feelings have gone and you are partly staying around because you are worried that leaving will cause the ex too much upset.

You can never leave if you worry about that! You can't live your entire life in an unhappy relationship. It isn't about fault. It isn't working for you so you have to move on. Also re your partner, it wouldn't be the first time someone blossomed after being left. It sounds like the partner is too dependent on you anyway?

I've had a couple of long term relationships with lovely guys and I really left because I wanted to be single, though I didn't fully realise that with the first one.

You don't want children at this point either and they do? Time to move on, best for all concerned.

Mumble, is the Chris Moyles thing an autocorrect?

Nobody is going to identify you from your sex, that's ridiculous. The only reason to obscure it is if it would make a difference to the answers that you don't want to hear. So neutrally, in these circumstances you have every right to leave a relationship that doesn't make you happy and you should do that. If you have dragged it out and wasted a woman's childbearing years, then you should still leave but also you're a bit of a cunt.

It is true that that life isn't just about pursuing happiness, and that perusing happiness doesn't always lead to happiness.

However that is not a good reason for staying in a situation that makes us unhappy.

OP, like you I have been in a long term relationship with my DP since we were 19. You've got two years on us, but I think on paper we have some similarities. Neither DP nor I are the same people we were at 19, but we've grown and grown up together.

Your posts seem so sad, like you are bereft of certain life experiences. It's ok to look back and think "it would have been nice to have done X, Y and Z before now" but still be happy with where you are. You aren't happy with where you are though and that's what struck me.

I also know exactly what you mean a bout those relatives who forever see you as a child/teen and never seem to appreciate that you are a fully fledged adult now. I have those in my life and I think if my partner was one of them I would be desperate to get away.

Ultimately I think whatever you decide does need to be centred around what would make you happier. Staying with your DP or leaving your DP. I appreciate you're trying to please you both, but that might not be possible. furthermore, remaining in this relationship with nothing changing isn't going to make either of you happy. You've said your DP knows something is up; that can't be fun for them either.

I don't really think the purpose of life is only to do things that make us feel happy. Depends how you define happiness, if you go full on into "a life well lived, exercising the full range of human capacities" there might be a case for it, but that's a bit of a thicker concept than most people mean when they talk of happiness (except possibly Aristotle).

Well obviously simply saying the point of life is to pursue happiness is a bit simplistic. However, in general, staying in a relationship with someone you're no longer in love with, or sexually attracted to, is probably not the purpose of life either.

I didn't say that though did I Fatty? Isaid focus on the bigger picture and things will become clearer, rather than getting caught up in some self indulgent and rather teenaged agonising the detail.

Ha, I didn't even notice you've obscured the genders. I'm a lesbian who knows a lot of lesbians, and I've heard this story from women in their late 20s to early 40s so often that it never occurred to me for a minute that you weren't a woman currently with a man.

Even my girlfriend has a similar story: She was with her ex (a man) from their teens, and they were together for over a decade. He is, by all accounts, a lovely bloke and loved the socks off of her. But she realised she didn't fancy him (or his gender), wanted to try different things, craved a relationship with a woman, etc, etc, etc. For a long time she felt she couldn't do that to him because she thought it would break him.

In the end she did do it, though, and now can't believe that she waited so long.

And he's ok. He got on, did his own thing, made changes to his life that presumably he wanted to make for a long time, and is, by all accounts, fine.

I mean, obviously, I'm biased in this particular case. But I certainly know lots and lots of women who have left long term relationships that were no longer compatible with their sexuality, and most do not regret it. Even if they've not found another relationship, they are generally relieved to finally live life on their own terms.

Everything about your OP says that actually, for you this relationship is over but you feel bad about ending it. That reflects well on you but truly, do not stay through pity. People post on here every day feeling devastated that their relationship is over, many of them due to abuse or infidelity. They cope and move on eventually.

Your DP will be the same. Do you have mutual friends who will support DP? You have grown apart and want different things. It will be an awful conversation and DP will be bound to offer to change so be clear and consistent that sadly it is over and you will be moving out or whatever you have planned.

Then make the break and go. Really tough and heartbreaking but the best way. Those who say you should stay and accept this are wrong IMO, life is precious and short. You aren't married and have no DC so you really are free to leave.

When you are single then you can explore who you are and what you want.

Can I ask why you stayed during the times of depression, laziness, and drinking? That must have been while you were quite young, and many people wouldn't want to deal with such difficult issues?

Thing is OP, you can't go on as you are. The resentment you feel will grow and grow until it poisons your relationship.

You are allowed to leave. Your happiness is as important as your partners.

Your partner will not be happy if you are unhappy.

You can't stay with someone out of duty.

There are no kids, so whilst I always think kids come first, in this case, you must be true to yourself.

Your partner may or may not dip into depression, drink. But that is not a reason to stay. They have their life, you have yours. Yes, it might hit them hard, but if you stay to prevent their hurt, you are hurting both of you in the long run.

It's hard to walk away when you feel responsible for another person's wellbeing, but your partner needs the truth now, so that they can get on with their life too. I think if you stay then the resentment will grow so big that you won't be able to stand them. At least by leaving soon you can perhaps salvage friendship and kindness?

You don't need to give any more facts or look for any more justifications for leaving. If the relationship doesn't make you happy that is reason enough. There are lots of nice people in the world. You don't owe him a relationship just because he's nice. And in the long run it'll be much better for him if you set him free now for someone who really wants to be with him.

I know it's hard but it's time to put on your big girl pants and just be honest. Kind but honest.

The OP is female - she referred to herself as "pretty" upthread.

To those frustrated by what I am obscuring, I am sorry. You don't have to post if you don't feel you can say anything on the facts I have given. I am giving all the facts I can while protecting both myself and the other person involved. As I have said, I suspect people I know are on MN.

Your coyness over your sex is frustrating because it makes a difference. No one will know who you are because you story is not unique. You're playing a silly game by alluding to the sex, asexuality, gender preferences when all you have to do is spit it out!

You are either a man with a woman ( so if she's 32 and her biological clock is ticking, do her a favour and end it)

You are a woman with a woman

You are a woman with a man.

You are a man with a man.

You talk a lot about 'trying to please your partner sexually' while putting your own needs lower down the list. IME men are quite easily pleased which makes me think your DP is a woman and you are either a woman or a man.

It does make a difference to our responses because anyone in their 30s who wants children- you have said you'd like them- should get a move on or allow their DP to get a move on if they want them too.

You should not expect someone else to make you happy. Happiness comes from within and being honest with yourself and others. If you are UNhappy in this relationship, get out of it. I don't see the complication other than not wanting to hurt someone, but the sooner it's done the more chance they have of finding someone else.

It sounds like you have spent your 20s looking after your DP, being what they needed etc. Meanwhile you have lost yourself and got stuck at who you were being at 20ish It certainly sounds as though your sexual needs were ignored for those years...

Better to split before you end up having an affair IMHO, I fear if you stay that will be the outcome as you are coming across as very unhappy.

I think if you're at the point of writing all that you've written on here then you need to leave. And yes your dp might be broken hearted for a while but eventually they'll be ok. It would be far worse to stay out of pity and take more years of their life when they could be building a new life alone or with another partner. I'd be so humiliated to know my partner had wanted to leave but didn't because I was a nice person. It would be far more damaging than them being honest.

Life moves on and people change and no one knows how much life they'll get. Don't waste yours. Go and be entirely selfish for a bit and see who you are now. It is sad because you clearly care for your current partner but communicate that as best you can and move on.

I think the genders are irrelevant, OP is unhappy in relationship, but seems to need concrete reasons to leave. But as Doreathea above rightly says, OP doesn't need to justify their decision. Being unhappy is justification enough.

I'm a straight woman who knows a lot of lesbians. Can I just ask - please don't cheat on your partner under the guise of " exploring your sexuality " . If you are in a mongamous relationship, cheating is cheating, regardless of the sex of your affair partner.

Please have the respect for your current partner and for yourself to tell them the truth and either end it , or agree to an open relationship if that's what you both want.

Dont cheat then expect admiration for all that " embracing who you really are " BS.

The lesbian/gay issue is relevant though because she says she doesn't know if she's in the right kind of relationship (gender wise.)

This is what she needs to explore.

So it's not only about 'am I happy with Miss X' but also 'Is a Miss Y even what I want now?'

(Or Mr X or Mr Y)

The outcome is going to be the same but the OP sounds very mixed up.

Yeah, I totally get that PollyPerky, I really do, but I think OP needs to leave this unhappy relationship, then explore what they want in the future. Both OP and partner deserves this.

OP

Could you take a break? A finite one, so as not to mess DP around (and if DP isn't happy with the idea, obviously it may be a de facto break up). Three months, say, living on your own somewhere.

On the whole, though, if there is a question of biological clock for your DP, you do need to make a decision fairly soon.

I think you probably should break up with your partner. I am sure you will do it as respectfully and kindly as possible. After the initial pain, your partner will have the chance to find somebody who adores them. I have seen this happen surprisingly quickly so it may all turn out for the best for both of you.