I may be about to leave the loveliest person in the world and I am devastated

[StrawberryMoonFace]

Namechanged and IDing details changed as I suspect both DP and some friends use MN.

I met DP fourteen years ago and we have been together for 13. We were 19 at the time, which strikes me as stupidly, impossibly young.

Over the years we have had some issues but got through. For a long time DP was very difficult to live with - timid, depressive, lazy, overweight and unhealthy and drinking too much. With great self resolve, DP has put all of that behind. I have also had issues with depression and I know I haven't been the easiest. When things were hard before, I waited for it to pass and counted my blessings. We have pets (no children yet), and a lovely house, and lovely friends.

DP worships me. And is genuinely the kindest and sweetest person I know. Frankly deserves much better than me. So this is breaking my heart.

The issue is, that after 13 years something has withered or fizzled. I feel this enormous resentment over all the things I have never done because of my commitment to this relationship. I have never really been a single adult. To put it crudely, I don't think I have slept with enough people. DP was only my 2nd proper sexual partner. I am no longer even sure that I am attracted to DP's gender. Or if I attracted enough to sustain me in a marriage for life.

I have spent most of the last week crying or feeling utterly despondent. I can't believe I am about to do something so awful to my best friend, my confidant. But I am also afraid of how much my resentment will grow if I stay.

For months now I have been trying to convince myself that I am not really a sexual person, or that if DP is 90% happy that can bolster my 40% to 60%, IYSWIM. But I don't think that's the case.

I thought we would grow old together.

DP keeps asking me what is wrong and is trying so hard to cheer me up and that just makes it worse.

Please be gentle.

I don't know what to do.

There is absolutely no general principle that people should have several sexual partners and that they are missing out if they don't.

Completely agree.

The grass isn't always greener.

If you are a child free couple why aren't you travelling and enjoying the freedom together?

All I can suggest is that you talk and get everything out in the open and work from there.

I was basically you, OP, several years ago. I left - for someone else. Not proud, but am so, so happy now, living a life I never thought I could or would. I left it far too late to leave and found someone I love an unbelievable amount. I should have left sooner.

There is absolutely no general principle that people should have several sexual partners and that they are missing out if they don't

Perhaps not, but the OP feels like she is missing out and from the sounds of their sex life, I think she is.

I left a marriage that wasn't a bad marriage but wasn't a particularly happy one (for me anyway).

It was hard, I hated hurting him but ultimately I'd have been completely miserable and would have made him very unhappy long term. We had a very amicable divorce and have both moved on.

I felt bad for hurting him but staying in a relationship that's not making you happy isn't fair on either of you. End it and let your dp go on to find someone he/she can be truly happy with and you can do likewise.

OP, think of it this way. If you stay with your partner out of pity, or kindness, you are not doing them any favours. They deserve to be loved by someone who is actually deeply in love with them and attracted to them.

As do you.

I know it's hard. Something similar happened to me - I broke up with a boyfriend who was lovely but our sexual needs just didn't match up. We are good friends now. But staying with someone just because you worry about hurting them if you leave is not a relationship. And it's so condescending, and actually insulting, to the other person.

Op hasn't said they're a woman.

I'd second trying to see a counsellor before making any decisions.
I also think, if a decade of gentle steering hasn't worked then be more blunt and upfront with your DP. If you're thinking of leaving anyway you've nothing to lose by asking directly for what you want first.

Is your DP really stopping you travelling and making time with friends? Or have you just chosen not to because you're prioritising the relationship? The first is a deasbreaker but the second is something you can change I think.

DH had a few months where he felt he hadn't slept around enough as well and genuinely felt like leaving. It was shit because it was so obvious something was wrong. However what stopped him leaving was that he thought once he'd done his sleeping around, he would have wanted me back but was, correctly, assuming I wouldn't be willing to get back with him. However your issues do seem more complex than this.

I think the OP is a man and their partner is female. But I'm not sure that it matters , if they feel that they are attracted to the opposite sex , I'm not sure it can work .

Or do you mean gender ? So you are attracted to people of the same sex as your partner but you want them to act more stereotypically feminine / masculine.

Or do you mea sex - you are with a woman and you want to be with a man ( or vice versa ) ?

It's one thing to say " I just don't love them any more and it's because of all the crap we've been through, we got together very young, we are different people now and it's run its course "

And " I'm with a woman and I realise I'm sexually attracted to men and I want a sexual relathionship with a man/ to explore my sexuality "

To emphasise, I am not going to reveal the sex/gender of either me or DP. As I stated in the OP, I have tried to keep IDing details out of it. I did mean sex rather than gender if anyone is going to split hairs though. Not that it matters.

I know there is no rule saying that you need x number of sexual partners in your life and many people are happy with one or two. I know this because I hadn't been happy with my number for a long time then I wouldn't have stayed this long!

Again, I also l know that the grass isn't greener. At the risk of sounding defensive, people who make relationships successful for 13 years from a young age usually remind themselves of this every so often.

There is every risk that I bring only unhappiness to me and DP. I don't mind bringing myself unhappiness but the thought of making DP unhappy is breaking my heart.

At the same time, I feel very constrained by this relationship. That is partly sexual. It is also the fact that I am not the same person that I was at 19. Yes,we have grown together. However there is also a lot of growth that I haven't done. I feel that at some points I held myself back for DPs sake. This I did willingly but now I am starting to want more for myself.

If you haven't been in a LTR young - or even if you have - this may be hard to understand. So think of it this way - you know that grandparent or aunt who forever sees as you as a teenager? Imagine that person being in your life, in your every decision, and in your bed. I've started to chafe.

I recently spent some time away for work. Truthfully, I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been chafing. What surprised me was how much I liked myself when I was alone. One day I caught my reflection in the mirror and thought how pretty I was. I didn't look any different from normal - actually maybe more frazzled and slightly worse. But the difference was me and how I was seeing things. Does that make any sense?

This would be so easy if I didn't love DP. But I do.

We aren't travelling and enjoying the freedom together because DP doesn't want to. If I made it a leaving issue I could probably arm twist, but I am not that sort of person. And that particularly doesn't seem fair when there are other things making me think about leaving.

Don't do it.

I did this to my ex partner because I craved a bit of excitement. He was also the only person I had ever slept with.

I regretted it so much. Turns out the grass isn't greener.

Heron - just a wee bit of an unmumsnetty hug for you.

Gah! Ignore those posters who say don't do it because they did and regretted it. You are not them; you and your circumstances may be entirely different.

Your happiness is more important, because you are the one person in your life who is a constant.

You and your DP deserve to be free to make choices knowing the whole truth - hiding back for fear of hurting is a diversionary tactic often there to protect the one who isn't saying the truth.

It is more likely than not that we do change as we get older, and in order to survive, a relationship needs to grow if both people are going to feel that their needs are being met.

Given what I have read in your OP, I think you should leave. No two ways about it. Obviously you'll get those saying don't because anyone leaving a relationship is a threat to those who are staying in theirs out of fear or obligation. Ignore them. Live your life, and let your DP do the same. Their happiness is not your responsibility. Yours, however, is.

Don't blame your young age getting into this relationship for your feelings. I have been with my husband since my teens and have never wanted to be anywhere else. We grew together and both made tons of compromises along the way.

The reason the relationship isn't working isn't because of 13 years. It's because you doubt your sexual preference and you have fallen out of love with your partner (I accept you still love them though).

No one deserves "pity love". Do the inevitable and go chase your own joy and let your partner chase theirs.

Best of luck

The sex if your partner does make a difference. If you're staying with a woman who wants dcs throughout her childbearing years and youdon't want children, that's different from making the choice to not have children when you're using up your fertile years but the partner has 20/30 of potential to father a child.
One thing that other posters haven't picked up on is your resentment that you carried DP during the depressed overweight drinking years. Do you fear they could return to those behaviour and was your forbearance and loyalty acknowledged? It sounds like you're trying very hard to make a kind and informed choice.

Am I worried about a return to the depression and heavy drinking? Yes, in the back of my mind. There are family traits in that line so its always a possibility. I also know that I wouldn't stick around again so to some extent it doesn't worry me as much. I do worry about a return if I left.

No, I don't think that my forebearance and loyalty has ever been properly acknowledged. DP has once thanked me for my support in getting them out of that rut - in so far as thanking me for never, ever offering them a drink or getting upset when they don't drink since they gave up. But what it cost me to go through those years? No.

Another hug coming your way.

I think you should cut them loose. Whatever the sexes and possible future scenarios earlier rather than later is better.

I think you know you have to leave them. The way you're feeling now will impact them and their happiness. There's no need for you both to be miserable.

I was in a relationship from 17 to 23 (not as long I know, but a long time back then) and it was so hard breaking up, but so worth it in the end.

This has got me be one of the most selfish post I have ever read. And also desperately sad. Having sex with other people is more important to you that destroying a committed relationship. Your life is not about your selfish whims , or even your happiness.

Wow, AndNow

Just wow.

Have you even read what I have posted?

I was thinking that about the sex making a difference because of the child issue. Particularly if the ages have been tweaked a bit and the woman (if there is one) in this relationship is approaching 35 then you're being very selfish to stay and waste their childbearing years if you're never going to want children with them. If you're 32, split up now and children with someone else is still a possibility.

You want different things in life. You started off wanting to look after them, now they don't need you to look after them you want to do other things. But you have discovered they don't. So I think you should be able to have that freedom to do what it is you would like to experience and your dp should have the freedom to now look after themselves. If they relapse, it is not your fault: they have to look after themselves now.

Your life is not about your selfish whims , or even your happiness.

WTF is life about than, if not pursuing your own happiness? The OP doesn't have children and they are no longer in love with their DP for a lot of reasons. Why martyr themselves?