I may be about to leave the loveliest person in the world and I am devastated

[StrawberryMoonFace]

Namechanged and IDing details changed as I suspect both DP and some friends use MN.

I met DP fourteen years ago and we have been together for 13. We were 19 at the time, which strikes me as stupidly, impossibly young.

Over the years we have had some issues but got through. For a long time DP was very difficult to live with - timid, depressive, lazy, overweight and unhealthy and drinking too much. With great self resolve, DP has put all of that behind. I have also had issues with depression and I know I haven't been the easiest. When things were hard before, I waited for it to pass and counted my blessings. We have pets (no children yet), and a lovely house, and lovely friends.

DP worships me. And is genuinely the kindest and sweetest person I know. Frankly deserves much better than me. So this is breaking my heart.

The issue is, that after 13 years something has withered or fizzled. I feel this enormous resentment over all the things I have never done because of my commitment to this relationship. I have never really been a single adult. To put it crudely, I don't think I have slept with enough people. DP was only my 2nd proper sexual partner. I am no longer even sure that I am attracted to DP's gender. Or if I attracted enough to sustain me in a marriage for life.

I have spent most of the last week crying or feeling utterly despondent. I can't believe I am about to do something so awful to my best friend, my confidant. But I am also afraid of how much my resentment will grow if I stay.

For months now I have been trying to convince myself that I am not really a sexual person, or that if DP is 90% happy that can bolster my 40% to 60%, IYSWIM. But I don't think that's the case.

I thought we would grow old together.

DP keeps asking me what is wrong and is trying so hard to cheer me up and that just makes it worse.

Please be gentle.

I don't know what to do.

Your life is about your happiness. You should never sacrifice happiness long term for someone else's happiness. You need to find someone who finds the same things joyful.

Hard to see how anyone can advise when you are not even disclosing the DP's gender (which I take it is female).

The thing is sexual desire does drop when you are in a long term relationship.
If you started another ltr then that would eventually fizzle a bit too.
We feel full of desire for the first couple of years but then you get used to a person.
If you love him and have a good relationship then I think that's worth working on. You could then go on to have another relationship that isn't as good and then when it drops in sexual desire you'll have not much left.
If you aren't happy then leave but don't be hasty.

Yes op, I read it twice actually just to be sure. I am not posting to upset you. You would be making a big mistake. Like I sad your post is very sad.
When you marry or commit as if you were married, unless there is abuse on either side you don't walk away because you feel unfulfilled, think you are missing out, want to have sex with other people.

Seven it is not selfish at all and of course the op's life is about her own happiness. Should she stay with someone who doesn't fullfil her emotional and pysical needs and remain unhappy just for the other person's sake? No. Never. It's not just about sex, she us clearly feeling stiffled by a DP who is unwilling or incapable of changing anything.

OP, the saddest sentence was how much you like yourself when alone. That's because in those times you can truely be yourself. If you keep ignoring this voice you will most likely regret this more than staying.
Life is just too short.
If your DP chooses to drink again that is on them not you. They are an adult who should take responsibility for their own behaviour.

I don't like the deliberately leaving the sex of each partner out of it. It feels like we're being experimented on (well you wouldn't say that if the sexes were reversed!) or being played (by a man who knows that saying all of this about a woman who wants children would get a unanimous answer).

I can see no good reason for keeping those details out of it.

"WTF is life about than, if not pursuing your own happiness"
Right so people really do think that's what life is all about? No wonder the op is confused.

No law about that AndNow. Lots of people do. Frankly lots of people would have walked long before I am.

As I have made very clear, there are no dependents, this decision is very hard for me, involves a lot more than sex and I am thinking of DP as much as myself.

So if you want to project and witter about my selfish whims you can FO.

Unless of course you are playing devils advocate, in which case thank you

If he's your best friend and your confidant, I think, as much as it will hurt him to hear it, you need to be honest with him. It could just save your relationship; and 13 years with your best friend is worth fighting for right?

I think you need to add some excitement to the relationship. That means, go out, see the world.. holidays, weekends away including dirty weekends in Amsterdam, try different things sexually, go into Ann Summers and try on the outfit that makes you feel the filthiest sexiest bitch in the world and surprised DP ;)

It's difficult because I really do understand your feelings. Being with someone for a long-term, getting comfortable etc means that your day often looks the same day-in day-out. Add children to the mix and there's no avoiding it. Me and my DP had the most amazing relationship pre-children; we did a few holidays a year and weekends away, great sex, went for spontaneous nights out together, went and had couples massages. Now we have our son and things just seem a little dull because we can't spontaneously do these things and we have responsibilities - expensive responsibilities! Sometimes I feel my mind wondering, what sex would be like with someone else. I even considered suggesting a threeesome. But really I got thinking, he IS my best friend and I could not imagine spending my life with anybody else.. I really do want to grow old with him. Plus he is actually drop dead gorgeous but because we see each other all the time and life has got a bit monotonous it's hard to appreciate that as much sometimes. But you do need to try and keep things fresh and before you get tied down with children, you need to have a good few years doing interesting things together as it's those memories that make the monotonous times seem worth pushing through.

I also don't believe that life would necessarily be greener on the other side for you. It's just human nature to want to improve things and experience more. But you CAN do that within your relationship and bring that spark back.

Hmmm. You sound a bit like you're in a rut of not prioritising your needs. Your DP doesn't like to travel? But you do! You can holiday separately or tell them it's important to you to go abroad together. I don't know why you wouldn't tbh. As with the sex - you need to be blunt. You can't for example ask someone who isn't into oral to give or receive more of it through coercion but you can suggest things like mutual masturbation which can break the habit of all sex being PIV (assuming a straight relationship, sorry if not).

If you leave and look for someone else without having learnt to put yourself first in a relationship you risk repeating the cycle. If you're convicted about leaving then do - but either way put some thought into how you got here and how to prevent it happening again.

ijustwannadance thank you

Hi. I understand totally. It could be that you powered through the hard times and now things are a bit calmer you've had time to reflect. It could be that you really aren't the same person after all the hurt and you won't be again. I say muster up the courage. You can't live your life for someone else and the resentment will grow. The friends I know who have taken the step you're contemplating are much happier.

Also I was not splitting hairs about sex and gender. There's a big difference between wanting to be with eg another man who is more "macho" or wanting to be a trans person ( different gender ) or with another woman ( different sex ) .

The first one might be a symptom of your general dissatisfaction with your relationship . The second and third are a really big deal.

So you are saying that one of the issues is that you are with a man/ woman and you are not attracted to the because they are they wrong sex? I'm not an expert, but that seems a basic incompatibility ( I note you are not suggesting you are bi ) .

If that's the case, I think you need to be honest with yourself and your partner. Stuff about them knowing you as teenager etc seems a but peripheral to me TBH

Can you afford some sort of impartial advice or counselling to talk it through? It sounds as though you are massively confused.

Life isn't about your own happiness? Really? Don't often feel this but what a stupid comment!
How is it better for anyone in this situation if OP ignores how she feels and carries on because she is in a long term committed relationship and being happy isn't important? ( assuming OP at least is a woman as not many blokes describe themselves as pretty!!)
IF ,which is a big if,with counselling etc it might turn out that there are fixable issues in the relationship that would result in both her and DP being happy,maybe.But neither party is better off as things stand,the DP isn't gaining by continuing in a relationship where the other half isn't sure they are even attracted to the DPs sex.
If you are both going to start again then the younger you both are the better.If you are unsure then counselling so you can talk it through would be a good place to start.soldiering on - not such a good plan. (Voice of experience here )

Right so people really do think that's what life is all about?

Well, yes?

Isn't the purpose of life to do things that make us feel happy? Find careers that make us happy, people that makes us happy, have kids that make us happy?

Obviously we can't be happy all the time, and once you have kids their happiness comes into play, but the OP doesn't have kids and I don't see why they need to make themselves and their partner miserable by staying with them...

Do you feel at times the drinking was a control thing? Stopping you from travelling etc because they needed you? Whether conscious or not, this kind of behaviour is hurtful in a relationship but down right devastating from a parent. If you've put off kids with them is that because you think they might use them as another method of control? If so, definitely get out now.

I also find it difficult to give advice when you are not revealing who is who in this scenario.

People grow and change between 19 and so many years later. If you grow together, that is wonderful , and many young relationships are forged for life.

But I don't believe that many of us in our 40s, for example, would look back on our 19 yo selves and think we knew ourselves enough to make a decision for life. I don' believe many of us would be happy to see our 19 yo Ds and Dds make a lifelong decision to settle with their partner of the same age.

There are no children to consider . Many people on MN will feel that a 'good enough' relationship is a strong decision to make in the interests of a family life . You do not have to make that compromise. And in fact your DP needs to know the score if they are to be able to pursue parenthood.

It clearly isn't just about sex. But the sex (absence of, and feeling the need for something different) is just one small symptom of a bigger syndrome.

None of us can promise to love for ever, or to demand that from our DPs. We have a right to honesty , fairness , kindness, decent behaviour, but no one has the right to expect their DP to sacrifice their life .

I would do counselling , but alone , to get clarity of thought and find your capacity to value your own life as much as others.

And then maybe together because there can be things such as good , or better, endings .

i think everything you're feeling is completely reasonable and understandable. i also think you may be able to work through this with him, but you need to be totally open and honest.

don't beat yourself up so much - you have outgrown the relationship - you could give him the chance to grow with you if you talk it through. if not, then you have the answer which is that you want different things out of life. that's ok. we all change and while it's very hard to move on, it's not good to stay out of loyalty. suppressing resentment and missed opportunities will ultimately take their toll.

i had this sort of growing out with my previous relationship. my ex was a lovely man, but we just wanted different things from life. he is still in the rut he was 15 years ago, and i have moved on and enjoyed lots of exciting new things

the fact that you're talking on here is a positive step. it's great to be able to work things through before you act and potentially cause someone unnecessary pain. you sound very grounded and caring, and i have every confidence that you'll do the best you can, whilst staying true to yourself.

I don't know why you are keeping your gender /sex a secret. The fact you are, makes it look as if it is relevant.

If this is a lesbian LTR and you now think you could be straight, you ought to say so because that opens a whole new vista.

If you are straight and with a man but think you could be a lesbian, then again it would help to be honest.

Because at the moment all we know is you 'alluding' to the sexual orientation which you are uncertain of.

If this is at the crux of your dilemma then yes, you need to spread your wings. being with the wrong person for any reason is no picnic but being in a wrong-gender relationship is even worse if you are unsure.

You are still young and there are some fabulous, beautiful, sexy people out there who you could have life-changing, passionate, mind blowing sex and experiences with (you may also have mediocre too but so what). You cannot stay in a relationship just for the sake of not hurting someone else. You will always regret it and live a life of 'what ifs' and as hard as break ups are, people typically recover eventually. Is there a middle ground though? Is there a way of you going on an extended break by yourself? Say to your OH that you need a bit of time alone to navel gaze/go on a yoga retreat/go learn wind surfing/whatever and start to break them in to the idea of separateness.

Oh and to whoever said life is long.......it really really isn't. It's short and precious and you only get one youth and you need to live it.

Also,having spent a good proportion of my adult life convincing myself that sex isn't really that important,I have decided that actually it is.Not saying you can't have a good relationship without,or that it is the most important thing.but it is important and the effects on a long term relationship of a not really working well sex life can be very destructive and corrosive.Again if fixable,then consider fixing - but if not,I don't know.
There is a difference as well between 'the sex used to be fantastic but has fizzled off a bit after 13 years' and ' the sex has never really worked and I'm not sure after 13 years of that I can keep going'
Don't know which group you are in ,OP,but it makes a difference.( particularly when there is the sexuality question as well)

Reading your responses, the impression that I get is that deep down you've already decided to leave and what you're really looking for is a justification. But I really don't think you can get that from outside parties: justification for leaving has to come from your own feelings about the situation.