Selfish Husband - will they ever change?

[SouthPole]

I had a weekend away with my mates in July, this is after many years of growing, birthing and feeding babies. I wanted to travel to my hometown, go out on the Friday night, have a mad one and take two days to recover, coming home on the Sunday - my hangovers are notorious.

This was my first night out since New Year, which was a mad night in the house with friends.

So, we end up staying in on the Friday and heading out on Sat instead, I am dying all day Sunday but eventually get us in the car to drive home. I make it back and in good form about 4pm.

HUsband texted me in the morning 8am to say something along the lines of "I hope you're back at a reasonable time today". Totally him and totally PA. I was embarrassed for him in front of the girls, whose partners hadn't texted them with a chaser.

Anyway, he's gone home for a week to see his mate who is visiting from Vietnam for the first time in ages.

I am totally happy with this, and have told him plenty of times. He needs to see his male friends more, he works like a dog and I am always trying to get him to take time out to go golfing with his buddies, but work comes first - never family.

I said to him this morning and I know now I shouldn't have, but I did - I said do you see the difference between my actions here and yours in July towards me? i.e. I'm all like "take the week, have a mad one!!" whereas he was chasing me home at 8am on the fucking Sunday.

Anyway, it all kicked right off.

Right down to things that happened a million years ago. He thinks I engineered the argument to ensure he has a shite time. I genuinely didnt (and even took a minute to check whether I had on a sub-conscious level). I am truly happy he's going to have such a wicked week. He deserves it. I wish I could join him! I wish he gave me this freedom to party ad recover once a fucking year.

I couldn't cuddle him before he went.

I fucking hate him right now.

He cannot see the hypocrisy and |I can't let this one slide.

Where do we go from here? I expect no one can tell me. I'm sorry I've gone on.

I'm confused and sad and angry and I feel at the moment if I didn't see him again it wouldn't bother me.

Double standards- not on but he doesn't see it that way. No, they don't change.

You're right, but your timing was pretty much guaranteed to set this off, whether you genuinely meant it too or not.

Should have waited till he came back.

How is the rest of your relationship? It sounds like there's other stuff going on if you've been stewing this long.

My love, YOU have to be a bit more selfish yourself.

Go away more often and do the things you want to do, see the people you want to see!

Inform him that you won't be called to heel, as you don't call him back home.

If he doesn't want you going away, then he can stop his away trips too.

No, they don't change on their own account. Youvhave to make your boundaries and insist they respect them. He kicked off because he knew what he's done and why. He's discouraging you from ever calling him out on this again.

Bugger that for a game of soldiers!

No they definitely don't change. In fact I think they get worse as they get older.

Your comment and timing was always going to either make him feel guilty/like shit, or cause an argument.

I agree with your point, but the timing and what you said was never ever going to have your desired outcome and result in a measured and productive conversation.

I'm on another thread about narcissistic, selfish ex's now. In my experience no, they don't change even if you're apart. Mine is nasty to me even though he left for OW.

Yes, I fear him turning into his father who is ridiculously selfish. And everyone knows it. Actually husband is aware of this selfish streak he has running through him and worked on it for ages.

I think he now reckons he's cured!

Anyway, I defo shouldn't have picked him up on it today but I think looking back I just thought he'd have a bit of a light bulb moment and think "uck yeah, what a prick I was!".

Instead he has turned this into me obviously hating the fact that he's going away for so long when it's actually no fucking different for me, I've practically a single mother anyway he works away so often.

I wonder if he knows that he is taking the piss and his anger is at himself.

I think we need some sort of counselling. Resentment is setting in and we don't like each other any more.

He was my best friend, good God could that man make me laugh.

Now when he sneezes I want to cave his fucking head in with a casserole dish.

You definitely need counselling or some one to one time. In my experience it didn't work, but if you throw yourselves into it and want to stay together it may work.

I suppose a chat is in order after the week away.

I've asked him not to call whilst he's away - of course he's free to facetime the kids, but proper talking must wait. If we miss each other, good. But I fear it'll just be same same for me...

He sees you as his property and/or is narcissistic and/or has jealousy issues.

Can he change? Not a chance.

Specially if his way out is to blame you for who you are and not discussing the issue in a calm way.

Mine can be like this but the more you ignore him and carry on doing what you want (within reason, which it is in your case) then he will eventually get the message. I don't think a lengthy, state of the relationship discussion about it is in order re this issue. It would work better if you show him rather than tell him how it's going to be. After all, what would he, a man, do if the boot were on the other foot? He would have come home when he wanted regardless to what you said, wouldn't he? And there would have been a very brisk I don't go away very often and I'll be home when I'm home.

I think what you said to him is fine. So what if the timing might be bad? I think it's perfect timing anyway. It will give him a bit of food for thought and you have a perfect example to throw at him straight after he was unreasonable about your weekend. I would have and have said exactly the same where my H has been unreasonable when I haven't.

You might think you haven't got anywhere but we shall see. I often have this with my H where I think I am never going to get through but suddenly it clicks. Definitely the best approach in our house is a short, sharp sentence and a show that what he does is not going to work for us.

And, no, he is not going to have a shit week. Do you really think he's going to dwell on what you said ALL week? Really? Of course not, he'll go away and forget all about it in seconds. Ignore, he's just having a tantrum and trying to guilt trip you.

Oh, and I think this is a problem because, at the back of your mind, you're feeling vaguely guilty about going away, which I very much doubt that he will be.

I don't think for one second his week will be ruined and I'm not feeling guilty about bringing up my weekend.

I'm looking forward to some space between us and non-contact. It's a good way of figuring out what we want - do you think?

And yes, knowing the fucking huffing and puffing that will have been going on at home when LO! he had to look after his own children whilst I was away, yes, I probably was feeling guilty whilst trying my hardest not to.

And also give you both time to calm down too.

He came back today. Just as I was settling down for a peaceful fucking week.

Sigh.

And now I'll be pushed into having it out tonight against my wishes. As usual.

So tired after a tough weekend of migraine and bored kids. I can't do this anymore.

Why's he back so soon?

I don't know. He probably wants to talk.

I've told him to leave me be and that I was looking forward to space - he said he could give me all the space I wanted and went upstairs.

I hope very much I am projecting. When I read

• overreacting in a straightforward disagreement, guilt-tripping you, alleging you calculated to spoil his time with his 'friend'
• working so hard
• working away from home a lot
• you already feel like a single parent
• your intuition is telling you you really don't like him
• amazing relationship in the beginning

what was actually going on in my situation, despite all his lies, was

• XH is narcissistic
• saying something calculating to spoil your time with your friends is more likely something he would do e.g. by phoning you to remind you to come home early. Narcissists project big time.
• narcissists are notorious for having affairs

When he came home unexpectedly early sometimes it was because OW had sent him packing that day. No, I'm sorry, they never change.

Can you think of any reasons why he would ?

Have a really good think

If you can't then what is the point of you being together ?

He was aware of these narc tendencies and a long time ago worked on them. Now he thinks he's cured, I think.

We need counselling at the very least.

And I don't think any affairs of owt. The way I'm feeling I'm not sure I'd even care. 😢

Sounds like your relationship is over and you both know it. Your timing was crap but you've probably been resentful since July. If he's come home only a day after going away and has said he will give you as much space as you need expect him to end the relationship.

He's not thinking like that, I know that much!

I don't know whether I am. Such inequalities.