I had a weekend away with my mates in July, this is after many years of growing, birthing and feeding babies. I wanted to travel to my hometown, go out on the Friday night, have a mad one and take two days to recover, coming home on the Sunday - my hangovers are notorious.
This was my first night out since New Year, which was a mad night in the house with friends.
So, we end up staying in on the Friday and heading out on Sat instead, I am dying all day Sunday but eventually get us in the car to drive home. I make it back and in good form about 4pm.
HUsband texted me in the morning 8am to say something along the lines of "I hope you're back at a reasonable time today". Totally him and totally PA. I was embarrassed for him in front of the girls, whose partners hadn't texted them with a chaser.
Anyway, he's gone home for a week to see his mate who is visiting from Vietnam for the first time in ages.
I am totally happy with this, and have told him plenty of times. He needs to see his male friends more, he works like a dog and I am always trying to get him to take time out to go golfing with his buddies, but work comes first - never family.
I said to him this morning and I know now I shouldn't have, but I did - I said do you see the difference between my actions here and yours in July towards me? i.e. I'm all like "take the week, have a mad one!!" whereas he was chasing me home at 8am on the fucking Sunday.
Anyway, it all kicked right off.
Right down to things that happened a million years ago. He thinks I engineered the argument to ensure he has a shite time. I genuinely didnt (and even took a minute to check whether I had on a sub-conscious level). I am truly happy he's going to have such a wicked week. He deserves it. I wish I could join him! I wish he gave me this freedom to party ad recover once a fucking year.
I couldn't cuddle him before he went.
I fucking hate him right now.
He cannot see the hypocrisy and |I can't let this one slide.
Where do we go from here? I expect no one can tell me. I'm sorry I've gone on.
I'm confused and sad and angry and I feel at the moment if I didn't see him again it wouldn't bother me.
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Relationships
Selfish Husband - will they ever change?
SouthPole · 24/09/2016 17:30
OP - reading this, it seems to me like you're both over- reacting if what you describe is all that actually happened. There is clearly a lot of resentment under the surface and this is not at all uncommon for couples who are both working full time and juggling care of young children. The fact is you both need a break, but you are taking it out on each other.
He has got the message that you were resentful about his double standards regarding "passes", as you call it. He has come home, only to find that you now want him to go away and give you space. He tried to meet you for lunch, but you don't want to. Now he's gone off again.
Like most men, he probably sees you (unconsciously ir not) as default carer. Even though you both work. It's bloody annoying, but it does tend to happen. If he's anything like my DH, it won't be that he begrudges you having time out, but more that he has a crap tolerance level for being stuck in the house with young kids. My DH is fantastic at being out and about with our DC -loads of energy for that. It's the humdrum, unstructured time indoors that he struggles with (you know, the basic stuff that is probably 80% of looking after kids). It's a bit different for me as I'm a SAHM, but I've never left DH with the kids for the weekend in 10 years, though there have been lots of times when he's taken them all camping, out for the day etc to give me a break.
So when your DH texted you at 8am on that Sunday, it was probably the boredom of it that was getting to him- "What am I supposed do with them today?" etc -rather than resenting you having a good time. Totally crap I know, but it is what it is unfortunately.
He may also know that he focuses on work too much and it doesn't take much for you to tap into that guilt.
Far worse things happen than this. You both need to stop doing the tit for tat thing - it's so easy to fall into that pattern but it's very destructive. Tell him a few days space is a good thing and you will talk when he gets back. 
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Well it's no wonder you're resentful. You've gone back to work, yet you're still doing it all at home. Even when you had the au -pair, managing her would have been a job in itself.
I don't know how you can get his attitude to change. Sorry, I know that's not helpful at all. The problem is that so much of what you do is "invisible work" and it's likely he won't even be aware of it because he's never done it.
As I say, my DH is very similar. No qualms whatsoever about telling me he prefers all his food cooked from scratch, even though he won't even go so far as to make a piece of toast for himself. The constant, "Have you seen my...," I can totally relate to - as if I'm the bloody oracle! He works in Bond St, but is yet to buy his own clothes 
let alone wash or iron anything.
I can only cope with this because I don't work. He's very kind and thoughtful in other ways and makes sure we go out regularly as a couple. Also, he will take all the kids away on his own. They've been on more sailing/ camping / survival expeditions than I can shake a stick at! So I do get breaks then, as well as in the day now they've all started school. Also he's not at all weird about money. Happy to pay for cleaners and never questions my spending patterns, etc.
I think every couple has to find a balance that works for them and I think this this is what may be lacking for you?
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