Do I chase him? Met someone I think could be 'the One'

[commonpeasant]

After 10 years in a horrible relationship, I finally found the courage to leave. My Ex was abusive and did he best to keep me down. During the 10 years together, I often met lovely men I would befriend, but nothing would ever happen as I was loyal to my DP at the time. All of these friendships fizzled out as the men wanted a relationship rather than a friendship.

Very soon after I left my DP, I met a man who was very different to any man I had/have ever met. We instantly clicked and I foresaw a good friendship. He was/is in a relationship so I never entertained or thought about being with him. I just did not see him in that way. Because of this, I would often chase him down to meet socially (as a friend), but he would almost always decline. I felt nothing of it.

A few months into our very distant friendship (he rarely agreed to see me alone socially), we ended up at my place (after I had literally begged him to allow me to join him and his friends for dinner). I was extremely drunk, he was sober. Because of the alcohol, I was feeling quite frisky.

While at my place, he said he wanted to be with me and wanted to do things properly (wait till we are together before being intimate). I wanted fun. Because of this, he ended up leaving my house and we stopped talking, given we wanted different things.

Fast forward 1 year and I still think about him. I happened to run into him in town and we got talking again. Agreed to meet socially. And here we go again - he seems reluctant to actually physically meet. He sometimes proactively reaches out and tries to set time up, but he never seems to be able to see it through to the end.

If someone told me the above, i'd tell them to move on - he is not interested. But given I genuinely believe this man to be my soul mate, what do I do?

Oh so that's why you/she literally begged him (yeah right.) sorry I think you are clutching at straws and this man is giving you a version of the story which gets him off the hook.

This doesn't make sense as a reverse

He fucked her.

Sorry.

Hugely confused.
Sorry OP but reverses piss people off and it's hand to be supportive when you're cross. I'd say that you should have a name change and repost this as an actual story told from your side and get some proper advice cos you're going to get flamed here and that's not fair when you're probably having a really shit time of it

No it doesnt make any sense as a reverse, even if this man is telling her this load of crap about going round to the OW's house and saying he had feelings for her. And yes, if it's a reverse, he's shagged her. It doesn't really matter what's going through the OW's head.

OP, I'm assuming your DP told you all the things you've posted here about the OW (abusive ex, not having feelings for your DP until the night she got drunk etc).

Did he also tell you that he was reluctant to meet up but that she "chased" him for a friendship? And that he was thinking about leaving you for this woman but was initially rejected, however she does want him now?

I'm sorry but he sounds like an absolute prize prat.

Reverse or didn't like the answers?

Bonkers 😏

Flitting through this feels insane.

I mean this kindly but does 'ambivalence' trigger something for you?
Do you mistake a man's ambivalence for butterflies?

Ok, if I've got this straight your DP has recently reinitiated contact with someone who was at one time the OW? Although at one time he and she were friends before he became involved with you?

Any way you look at it, he's not interested in an honest monogamous relationship with you. He's either looking to cheat or needs 'ego stroking' from outside your relationship. Neither option is one that I'd tolerate.

Either he is a liar (if this is a reverse) and is trying to get out of having cheated on you.

Or you need to stop making an utter fool of yourself (if this isnt a reverse). I was seriously embarrassed on your behalf when I read the OP!

The problem with reverses, apart from being irritating time wasters, is that they are also useless. You do not know how the situation appears from someone else's perspective and it's actually rather presumptuous to assume that you do. You go on unreliable accounts from others and your own projections, present them to us while highly biased, and then expect us all to know an objective truth.

Oh, for Christ's sake. Whoever you are, you need to get off the Internet, get some counselling, and get some sensible boundaries in place, as well as work on having trust in your own feelings/value/priorities. Take a break from this man, whatever your relationship with him. And don't play games with people when you want their advice and support.

Ok, to take things at face value and clutching at straws presume he is telling the truth, is he one who can not say "no" to someone who is being nice to him...right up to the line of the big no-no of having sex with a woman when he is in a relationship with someone else? Is he a bit of a simpleton, Forrest Gump style ?

Either that, or in an effort to make this make sense, he may prefer the friendships of/with women and may be going transgender?

Otherwise, I am with the previous posters who say he is lying and indeed did have sexual relations with the other woman. Sorry.

Just out of curiosity, did you chase him to get into a relationship with him?

Ok, it makes more sense if you are the partner.

No, the OW didn't beg him to be allowed to socialise with him. Is that what he told you?

No, he didn't turn down sex because he really wanted a relationship. Is that what he told you?

Is he currently in touch with this woman?

Why the hell would you be hurt by posters telling the supposed OW to get a grip? It's really hard to give you advice because your misrepresentation, makes it really difficult to believe anything you post. Whatever your relationship with this man is, I hope you start respecting yourself a lot more very soon.

I'm a bit confused, common.

Is it that you're worried that this woman will be a threat to your relationship, if she decides to chase your partner?

If that's the case, then, no. If your partner is truly committed to you, then no amount of chasing by this woman, or any other person will be a threat to your relationship.

And do bear in mind that whatever happened between them is what they (presumably just your partner?) are telling you.

you might want to read all the thread, Hard

Whether or not this is a reverse (like others I'm a bit that it's a reverse, I think OP just didn't like the advice she was getting originally) doing the pick-me dance is pointless. Dump/ block (depending on whether it is a reverse or not) the philandering/would-be philandering bastard and get some self-respect.

I have read the thread, AF.

First the OP told a very detailed tale about being the OW. Then she "admitted" she was actually the wife.

I don't really understand what she was trying to achieve with the thread.

Surely the OW's tale is a red herring. If her DH was committed to the relationship, then no amount of chasing by the OW would cause problems for it. But her DH seems to be blaming the OW's strong feelings for him for his actions.

I'm also a bit bemused about how the OP knows all this detail. My point is that she knows only what her husband has told her. (And in fact, as most of the story is from the OW's POV, then it's all second hand, anyway.)

Like others, I think if the OP is the wife, she would be better to post that in the first place.