Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I chase him? Met someone I think could be 'the One'

96 replies

commonpeasant · 23/09/2016 19:45

After 10 years in a horrible relationship, I finally found the courage to leave. My Ex was abusive and did he best to keep me down. During the 10 years together, I often met lovely men I would befriend, but nothing would ever happen as I was loyal to my DP at the time. All of these friendships fizzled out as the men wanted a relationship rather than a friendship.

Very soon after I left my DP, I met a man who was very different to any man I had/have ever met. We instantly clicked and I foresaw a good friendship. He was/is in a relationship so I never entertained or thought about being with him. I just did not see him in that way. Because of this, I would often chase him down to meet socially (as a friend), but he would almost always decline. I felt nothing of it.

A few months into our very distant friendship (he rarely agreed to see me alone socially), we ended up at my place (after I had literally begged him to allow me to join him and his friends for dinner). I was extremely drunk, he was sober. Because of the alcohol, I was feeling quite frisky.

While at my place, he said he wanted to be with me and wanted to do things properly (wait till we are together before being intimate). I wanted fun. Because of this, he ended up leaving my house and we stopped talking, given we wanted different things.

Fast forward 1 year and I still think about him. I happened to run into him in town and we got talking again. Agreed to meet socially. And here we go again - he seems reluctant to actually physically meet. He sometimes proactively reaches out and tries to set time up, but he never seems to be able to see it through to the end.

If someone told me the above, i'd tell them to move on - he is not interested. But given I genuinely believe this man to be my soul mate, what do I do?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/09/2016 20:16

Of course you have

The fact you call him "The One" when he shows no real interest in you and is with someone else tells us you are actually slightly unhinged in your pursuit of him

Whatabloodyidiot1 · 23/09/2016 20:17

You are cheapening yourself and outright embarrassing yourself into the bargain.
This is cringy to even read.
He doesn't like you.
He doesn't want to be with you.
He's with someone else.
Stop. Now.

Jaimx86 · 23/09/2016 20:17

You like him. He doesn't like you. That doesn't make him the one. Keep looking.

MistressMerryWeather · 23/09/2016 20:18

I think you are kidding yourself.

Original poster
commonpeasant · 23/09/2016 20:18

I am quite hurt by these comments. I do respect their relationship. I would never embark on an affair. However, I was thinking that letting him know I have changed my mind would be the right thing to do under the circumstances.

OP posts:
Somerville · 23/09/2016 20:18

But you're thinking about doing so now, right? (The question you asked in your title "Do I chase him". And you're also calling him The One. (There's no such thing as the one, BTW, but if there was then by definition, he wouldn't be in a relationship with someone else.)

AnyFucker · 23/09/2016 20:20

Getting "frisky" is trying to embark on an affair when you knew he was with someone else. You call him "The One".

You might be hurt by the comments but will it make you take a hard look at your behaviour ?

I would say not, judging your responses here.

Whatabloodyidiot1 · 23/09/2016 20:20

There are no 'circumstances'
If he comes to you and says 'I've split with my partner, let's start dating and see where this goes' then fine.
Until then please please stop, it's painful to read about a woman behaving like you, you sound unhinged/stalkery.......

Luvjubs · 23/09/2016 20:21

It's not the right thing to do. He already has a partner. Please get a grip

MistressMerryWeather · 23/09/2016 20:21

Why would it be the right thing to do, what do you think the outcome will be?

Original poster
commonpeasant · 23/09/2016 20:21

I am crap with words. And probably not explaining myself clearly.

But at least we have a general consensus that I should not tell him how I feel.

OP posts:
TheZeppo · 23/09/2016 20:22

Okay, try looking at it another way:

When he went back with you, he said he wanted a relationship with you.

When he was still in a relationship. So, he has the capability to cheat. You want that guy?

And he's still in the relationship he was going to end (apparently). I reckon they'll get married, actually. He just wanted some fun on the side, told you what he thought you wanted to hear, got it wrong and backed off.

He is not a prize.

AnyFucker · 23/09/2016 20:22

Your behaviour is pretty crap, tbh

SucculentChineseMeal · 23/09/2016 20:23

What is the matter with you? Listen to what everyone is saying and leave him alone. You clearly have no respect for his relationship. Work on getting some respect for yourself

Original poster
commonpeasant · 23/09/2016 20:23

If he comes to you and says 'I've split with my partner, let's start dating and see where this goes' then fine.

He did say this. But I was not ready. Now I am, what do I do?

(he did not actually split though, he was just testing the waters it seems)

OP posts:
memyselfandaye · 23/09/2016 20:26

Are you scared of being without a boyfriend?

It seems like you have to have a man in your life, when really you could do with some time alone.

Stop trying to force relationships and learn to be comfortable within yourself.

Original poster
commonpeasant · 23/09/2016 20:27

He is not a prize, I should keep telling myself that perhaps.

OP posts:
MistressMerryWeather · 23/09/2016 20:28

This is what you do.

You stop contacting this guy and ignore any attempts for him to contact you.

You then sit down and have a long, hard think about why you would even want to be with someone who lied about splitting with his partner so he could 'test the waters' with you.

Ask yourself why you are so willing to beg for his scraps.

Maudlinmaud · 23/09/2016 20:31

Girl code OP. Never go after another womans man!
And NO you certainly should not tell him you are now "ready"
Whatever the fuck that means.

ALaughAMinute · 23/09/2016 20:34

He doesn't want to fuck you, find someone who does.

LuluJakey1 · 23/09/2016 20:34

Begging men for any knd of relationship never turns out well and is a sign of your lack of self-respect.

Original poster
commonpeasant · 23/09/2016 20:35

Please do not flame me.

I am actually the DP of this prize man. Found out last week about what he did with this OW he went to see at her place. Almost everyone IRL has told me to LTB as he must be in love with this OW to have re initiated contact after so long.

I just needed honest opinions. Been with my DP 6 years and love him very much aside from this recent issue.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/09/2016 20:37

Oh for Christ's sake.

Same advice for you...whoever the fuck you are

Get some self respect and dump the crap bloke

He is no prize

YouAreMyRain · 23/09/2016 20:38

If you are actually the DP of "the one", and not the single woman who's been chasing him down who seemed to be the OP then this thread is very confusing. I suggest you start another one, honestly, from your perspective

PacificOcean · 23/09/2016 20:39

What? So this is a reverse? Bizarre. What were you hoping to achieve by doing it this way? Why not just post as yourself??

Swipe left for the next trending thread