Went away for a rebuilding weekend, now not speaking...

[rumandcokewithice]

Partner and I have had some major issues in relationship recently, some revelations around his use of porn which he had concealed from me since the start of our relationship but which he (of his own volition) has now stopped. We agreed to pause the physical side of our relationship for a while (at first when in shock I wasn't sure if I wanted our relationship to continue at all, but I then felt I did) whilst he got his head together etc.

So to this weekend. I thought it would be a chance for us to spend sometime together and start to reconnect physically (not rampant shagging, but kissing / touching etc). So this is brought up and he doesn't feel ready, he's still pretty ashamed of the secret porn use. Ok, that's fair enough.

For context, over recent months (predating all this stuff) I've put on weight, going from being a bit overweight to quite a lot overweight. Obviously this recent situation with the porn hasn't helped - I am a classic comfort eater so have been eating more as my means of coping/ making myself feel better.

So, onto last night, we were going out for dinner. I had left my fake tan at home, and my tights, meaning I couldn't wear the only 'dressy'outfit I'd brought, and had to wear something else I didn't feel confident in and made me look fat (or rather fatter).

So I wasn't feeling great about myself, it helped by him coming in to hurry me along, and making no comment about how I looked. Not even a cursory you look nice.

So I finished, went out to him and said I was ready but that I thought I looked awful. His response was to say I didn't look awful (but no more). Which upset me.

He asked why I was upset, I explained I needed some validation. He said I wouldn't have believed him, he'd be in the wrong no matter what he said.

We didn't go out in the end, he said that my attitude that evening was awful and he wouldn't go anywhere with me like that.

I was so angry over this - telling me I have a bad attitude, like I'm a child? I went to bed, because I couldn't bear to be around him, and if I spoke to him I wouldn't have been able to keep my temper.

So now it's the next morning. I'm up, he's still asleep. I'm not sure how to clear the air - don't feel I have anything to apologise for, and tbh I'm still more than a bit angry about what he said.

Definitely ask if your thyroid was checked as lethargy, weight gain and brain fog are all symptoms of hypothyroidism. Which I have btw. And if you do get it checked make sure they tell you what the actual numbers are, as a lot of GPs just say 'oh its within range' which actually doesn't mean anything.

I've not had any kind of sleep test, although my sleep, once I got over my insomnia earlier this year, has been much better. I don't go to bed early enough, but when I make sure to get myself to bed / asleep by midnight I'm mostly ok. I think my tiredness - leaving aside any possible thyroid problem - is not eating properly (I eat lots of chocolate and snacks and not enough proper foods) and also not drinking enough. Some days I drink less than a litre of liquid. On days when I force myself to drink more, I do feel better (and tend to eat less).

I don't know anything about relationships, so wouldn't dream of giving advice on that score! But I will just mention that I had put on weight, was feeling really tired, and got into the habit of collapsing infront of the tv in the evening.

Well, we started taking a brisk walk round the block together each evening - great for talking and getting fitter at the same time. I lost a load of weight - as I think you eat less if you go out for a walk. As you mention you have older children, so you can leave them to pop out, and your DP is keen to help, you can motivate each other.

Op your DH is the reason you feel unhappy - not the weight. He lied and concealed his porn use to you and your relationship is at mske or break point - of course you're unhappy. The weight is a symptom not a cause of all this.

The human body is rubbish at telling us we are thirsty - if you are thirsty your body will tell you it's hungry usually first and then only when you are really dehydrated, thirsty. When you want to eat something have a drink first - simple. If you are then hungry after 5 mins go ahead and eat.

Regardless of whether you have a chicken or egg issue re dh or your weight one thing is very clear, your weight is making you unhappy. You say quite cheerfully that you eat lots of chocolate and snacks and don't drink enough. Now I'm perfectly aware it's not as simple as eat less, move more...but why are those foods in your house?

Have you tried WW or SW where you would get RL support and encouragement? They do work if you can get in the right zone. I suggest you try to separate the issues that are making you unhappy and work on those which you can change. Dh does seem to be trying too but your self esteem is in your boots. If you do decide to lose weight please do lots of things in the meantime that make you look and feel nice. Haircut, makeup, decent clothes etc. There is so much that can be done for very little.

Hope you take this in the spirit it's meant, not preaching but trying to understand and support.

I don't always buy snack foods, or chocolate, but if I don't they are readily available at work (It's always someone's birthday, other celebration, or cakes are bought for some spurious reason! I could avoid them if I really wanted to, of course. No one is making me eat, other than me).

I did lose a significant amount of weight previously with one of the well known weight loss groups, but the weight didn't stay off long term once I stopped going to the groups (and I couldn't make it there every week due to work and other issues). I would consider trying it again but if I'm honest I feel too fat atm. I don't want to know what I weigh. I think I need to fond a way of doing it myself, somehow. I'm currently writing down everything I eat in a day. Will add what I drink too. Thinking of adding times, as I know I eat too much in the evenings and not enough earlier in the day. Hoping that will help.

Why is it ok for you to have comfort food and not for him to view porn?

Pastoral care are you serious?! He lied about it and hid it. You had hardly equate the two things. Like another pp said it makes me really sad that the op is being slated for her weight when she's already said its not the thing that impacted their relationship.

why is one way of coping with stress more acceptable than another?

The op doesn't lie or conceal her behaviour putting their relationship at risk. Also porn is undermining to a partner if they aren't into it too. Her eating habits hardly undermines her DH's self esteem in reverse.

I have to say I don't quite see the two things in the same way either.

That said, he is the one who's said he's addicted to porn, and never wants to view it again. Those were decisions he reached himself, without my influence.

So, he completely volunteered that he watched and was addicted to porn? What happened?

OP I think you sound lovely. I wanted to say - don't be afraid of whatever weight you are. I mean, don't let that put you off rejoining a group. I would suspect as soon as you start taking control of it he number won't be your focus, but instead the fact you're doing something about it will be, and that will bring you some satisfaction.

I think it's really good your husband is wanting to deal with a porn issue and is moving along with that. Can you show encouragement and support for that too? You both sound like your wires are in a knot a but. Just keep taking and be nice to each other if you can xx

It's really two different additions. One being porn and the other is food.

There's no way a massive weight gain doesn't impact on you and your relationship.

I recommend you go to your GP and ask for a referral to the community Dietician. It's a massive help believe me. I'm under one at the moment and am making good progress. Plus it's free.

I had gained 7 stones from when I got married. Being so big is depressing. It kills your confidence and can turn you into a hermit. You don't want to take photographs, holidays are a reminder. Covering up in hot weather and wearing a costume are not delightful.

I feel so much better having lost 3 stones already and I'm happier too.

Those saying that the weight is a symptom - I'd guard against saying that, because that's what unfaithful spouses use as an excuse. The marriage was bad so they cheated. It's not a justification and you'll end up going round in circles with that view.

So the husband in this situation can say due to the weight gain ... he lost attraction and then went elsewhere. To him the weight becomes a symptom. You'll get stuck in a chicken and egg situation.

It's not helpful to blame anyone but yourself when you gain weight like this. Taking personal responsibility is key.

OP, I sympathise with your anxiety and feelings of overwhelm. I get that too.

I am really surprised that your GP hasn't offered you the option of trying some sort of medication.

The things that have helped me most have been paying for private counselling, and doing things that help me relax (pilates has been great for helping with my breathing - which is very linked to anxiety).

I started medication when I got depression on top of anxiety, and it has really helped with that.

OP, there are several issues here, no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. Let's break them down...

weight you've said your self worth is all tied up with your weight and looks. When you were younger you felt rejected sometimes for still not being pretty or slim enough so losing 6 stone won't fix this issue entirely. Yes, definitely find a way to get back to the gym, or floor exercises at home to build up to it. But you could back this up with counselling to change how you assess your self esteem. You can be happy with yourself, it's within reach.

feeling hurt by DH at The Weekend ok, so it's been mentioned once or twice he was in a lose-lose situation. I don't blame you for wanting him to have made more effort in reconnecting, it's what the big weekend was for, sorry it didn't work out, I think it does hammer home that you, not he is responsible for how you feel about yourself. You are attractive when you feel attractive, you won't need his validation (which is very positive for women.)

dh and porn this is making you feel rejected over and over. This is his demon. If staying with him while he works through this is what you want, you and he need to discuss boundaries and needs. If you need physical intimacy from him and he needs no sexual contact, discuss what level of contact is good for him (hugging, holding hands, I love you's ) and tell him, he absolutely needs to make that effort to support you supporting him.

You come across as insightful and positive and looking for ways to get out of a rut, what a woman!

I'm not surprised you're feeling down Op.I really wouldn't be ok with a porn addicted husband.