Went away for a rebuilding weekend, now not speaking...

[rumandcokewithice]

Partner and I have had some major issues in relationship recently, some revelations around his use of porn which he had concealed from me since the start of our relationship but which he (of his own volition) has now stopped. We agreed to pause the physical side of our relationship for a while (at first when in shock I wasn't sure if I wanted our relationship to continue at all, but I then felt I did) whilst he got his head together etc.

So to this weekend. I thought it would be a chance for us to spend sometime together and start to reconnect physically (not rampant shagging, but kissing / touching etc). So this is brought up and he doesn't feel ready, he's still pretty ashamed of the secret porn use. Ok, that's fair enough.

For context, over recent months (predating all this stuff) I've put on weight, going from being a bit overweight to quite a lot overweight. Obviously this recent situation with the porn hasn't helped - I am a classic comfort eater so have been eating more as my means of coping/ making myself feel better.

So, onto last night, we were going out for dinner. I had left my fake tan at home, and my tights, meaning I couldn't wear the only 'dressy'outfit I'd brought, and had to wear something else I didn't feel confident in and made me look fat (or rather fatter).

So I wasn't feeling great about myself, it helped by him coming in to hurry me along, and making no comment about how I looked. Not even a cursory you look nice.

So I finished, went out to him and said I was ready but that I thought I looked awful. His response was to say I didn't look awful (but no more). Which upset me.

He asked why I was upset, I explained I needed some validation. He said I wouldn't have believed him, he'd be in the wrong no matter what he said.

We didn't go out in the end, he said that my attitude that evening was awful and he wouldn't go anywhere with me like that.

I was so angry over this - telling me I have a bad attitude, like I'm a child? I went to bed, because I couldn't bear to be around him, and if I spoke to him I wouldn't have been able to keep my temper.

So now it's the next morning. I'm up, he's still asleep. I'm not sure how to clear the air - don't feel I have anything to apologise for, and tbh I'm still more than a bit angry about what he said.

I think to your credit you've been very honest OP. I also think that you did have a bad attitude towards him and put him on a spot.

I know it's genuinely frowned upon to admit this on MN as we should absolutely be desired and loved unconditionally (as women, doesn't tend to extend to men apparently) but you know yourself you are feeling unattractive. And yes probably it's not a massive stretch to say that perhaps at present (particularly with a low sex drive to start with) he's not feeling that attracted to you - because of the weight and because your own lack of confidence is blighting the way you project yourself.

You can sort it but I feel perhaps your confidence is further knocked because you're comparing your sex life to the stuff he's been watching. Lose weight, regain your confidence and mojo and let time tell. If it doesn't improve then deal with it at that point but get yourself right first. Own your own stuff and let him own his.

OP are you short of cash? It is always possible to find clothes that are flattering, whatever your size or shape. Even if you just get a couple of outfits that you feel good in, that should make a difference to how you're feeling. I'm sure the lovely people over on Style and Beauty will be happy to help.

I'm sorry, OP, that the night descended into an argument. I agree with PPs that you put him in a difficult position. When you ask a question or make a comment expecting a specific reply, you will often be disappointed.

However, the fact that he cancelled dinner and avoids intimacy is worrying. He does not seem to be on the same page as you with regards to working on your relationship. I don't buy the 'shame' excuse. It sounds to me like he has checked out.

Think a lot of these pps have missed the point. You've been massively hurt by him and had your self esteem knocked by 1) him lying and keeping a habit from you. It's not the use of porn that's the prob it's the fact he concealed it from you 2) he rejected you making up an excuse that he felt too guilty 3) you've put on weight (from emotional eating from his behaviour). He then had the nerve to blame you for having low self esteem!
Don't look to him for validation - you'll need to make youself feel good in spite of him to get anywhere.

I am constantly bemused on threads like this that no one talks about the blatantly obvious. Huge weight gain as the OP has stated has happened is not attractive . It 'doesn't look good '. You know this, it's why you feel so low. He knows this and telling you otherwise is not helpful as it doesn't make anything better .

I say this as someone who was 21 stone. I met DH when I was 10 stone. We all have a 'type' that we find sexually attractive. I had to accept that our sex life disappeared to nothing because DH didn't fancy me anymore. This didn't mean he didn't love me, but sexual attraction is not something you can control .

From the partners point of view it's an impossible situation. Weight issues are often about so much more than food and it's often a no win, whatever they say situation. The best thing to do is wait for the one with the weight issues to decide they want to do something about it and then offer all the support you can.

It's not helpful to ignore the fact that the majority of people do not find huge weight gain a sexual turn on. Do not confuse this with love. I would never 'pick' a 23 stone bloke as a partner. He just wouldn't be the type I would feel sexually attracted to. In just the same way that tattoos and piercings turn me off.

This does not mean that obese and morbidly obese people do not have or deserve a sex life but these couples will be people for whom obesity is not an issue and often a sexual bonus. There are plenty of people out there who prefer big women or men, it's 'their type' . My point is that if your partner has changed his or her body mass drastically either fat or thin from where you were at the beginning then it's extremely likely that there will be sexual incompatibility .

The best thing you can do for yourself OP, is to seriously look at your weight issue. It's your issue, it's making you unhappy. Your partner telling you how great you look when you don't feel it is pointless and soul destroying. Instead get his support to do something about it. Then the compliments will come without having to fish for meaningless platitudes .

I think you could do with going for a bit of help from your gp - you sound very low.

It is no wonder you feel shit about yourself and those people dismissing the porn habit - it really depends on the volume and nature of it, doesn't it? If he's substituted wanking over porn over a healthy sex life with the op, then it's a problem, and a horrible undermining of her self esteem.

But whose to say what came first. Perhaps the 'put on a lot of weight ' came before the porn. It's all very well saying 'he should want sex with his partner whatever her weight' but sexual attraction just doesn't work like that.
At 21 stone my DH didn't love me any less but he certainly didn't want to spend 3 hrs making love with the confident woman of ten stone he met 5 yrs earlier. He simply didn't fancy me . More importantly , I didn't fancy me. !!
I lost 9 stone and hey presto ! as the weight decreased his libido increased.

The porn issue is a deflection for how the OP feels about herself and her inability to face this thing that is ruining her self esteem.

How long have you been together OP ?
How much is a 'lot of weight' compared with when you met. ?
When did the porn use ramp up to an unacceptable level ? What is an acceptable level. ? So many questions but it might give us some perspective.

You could be a previous size 8 who considers putting in a stone a lot of weight and your weight issue is in your head (still an issue - but a different issue)!

. You could have gone from size 10 to size 30 ...You might have found out he has some kind of weird kink pornwise that is unacceptable to you and society in general.
He may be occasionally looking at stuff a lot of us would find ok. (I don't have an issue with most mainstream porn but I am not you. )Until we know a bit more of the reality it's quite difficult to see what's going on.

rumandcoke you do sound sad and defeated.
If you don't want to have joint counselling until your DH has finished his counselling then perhaps you could consider attending counselling on your own? It would actually help you to tease out the different issues eg the lack of trust; the lack of affection; the need for validation. You'll be able to see what issues are your's and which are a product of the relationship.
On a practical level, the pp who suggested Style & Beauty for suggestions about clothes is absolutely right. It might help you reconnect with your body in a positive way. It's a very supportive part of MN with posters of all ages, shapes and sizes.
You can't fix your relationship on your own. DH has to recognise and deal with his issues.

Agree with Marilyn. I think dramatic changes to a partner's looks means that they are no longer the same looking person who the partner found attractive - could mean they find them more attractive or less attractive. I think the key is that if you change dramatically there's a risk that it could go either way for your benefit or loss.

I'm now probably 6 stone overweight (by reference to BMI etc). I've always been a few stone over. When I met my partner I was about 2.5 stone over, and a size 14, now I'm a size 20. I've never been thin in the time I've been with him, and he doesn't find very slim women attractive (he himself is very broadly/ solidly built). I was happy with myself at size 14. I wouldn't have minded being a little slimmer/ more toned but I was pretty confident. Over the last year I've started gaining weight, and my confidence has diminished. When I used to look in the mirror and see someone with a pretty face, good figure/ clothes and nice hair, I just see a fat person.

About 7-8 months ago I started suffering insomnia, being worried about everything and completely overwhelmed. My brain felt foggy, I couldn't cope at work. I was signed off for a couple of weeks with anxiety (which helped) and initially when I went back it was ok. But things got on top of me again, and eating comforted me. I went for some group therapy (all my GP could refer me for) which was ok but it took up an entire evening (2 hours there, plus a 45min journey each way) so I had to skip a gym visit to fit it in, I'd already dropped one session to fit in another (unavoidable) commitment. Anyway, the therapy was ok, it made me realise other people felt like this. But it didn't help my brain feel less foggy, or explain how to cope with constantly feeling overwhelmed. And of course the whole issue with food. I've been back to my GP since but I was basically told to get on with it, she wouldn't just 'keep signing me off' I needed to be more stoic. So that didn't really help.

Just to be clear, my partner's use of porn didn't increase after I put on weight. It's always been at the same level, but it's only very recently that I've been made aware of it at all. Partner is not now using any porn, and hasn't for some weeks. As to the physical side of our relationship, this stopped at the time all this came to light of course, but prior to that my weight gain hadn't made any difference to it.

This is sad. I remember when this section of MN didn't unquestioningly accept porn use.
OP for what it's worth, if my DH developed a rampant porn habit it would really hurt me and damage our marriage.
Also, my weight goes up and down like a yoyo and he's nevery fancied me any less. Maybe because he doesn't have a bunch of pornographic images in his head as a comparison.
I'm sorry for your sake that you started this thread. You already sound so down on yourself and now you've had a binch of people pile in and tell you it's all your fault and that your weight is the problem.
Your DH sounds like his attitude was the bad one, he was stand of fish and distant and made no effort to engage even though the weekend was obviously important to you.

I am wondering if you are suffering from anxiety, weight gain, disturbed sleep pattern from peri menopause?
Not deflecting from the issues with your DH, just reading what you said.

I don't have any signs of menopause according to my GP. I had multiple blood tests, those simply showed low vitamin D levels for which I was prescribed tablets. My insomnia resolved after that period off work. I am pretty lethargic most of the time, but that's probably to do with my weight gain. I'm still anxious, still feel overwhelmed, but my GP is just telling me I need to learn to cope with that.

Did your GP check for underactive thyroid as that can cause lethargy and weight gain and also if undiagnosed make losing the weight difficult.

You've had some great advice. If I could get you to do one thing it would be: walk for an hour a day. Use the time to think about all the things whirring round your brain. The fresh air and exercise will make you feel better and sleep better.
I'd echo that you need to love yourself first; nothing is more attractive than confidence and affirmation style self help books really can make you reassess the way you view yourself.

I don't know if they tested my thyroid, would that have been part of the blood tests I had?

I dont think I can blame my weight gain on any medical condition, if I had one. It's because I eat too much. When I ate less, I weighed less. But food is the only thing that makes anything feel better. It gets me through the days at work, in the evenings by the time I get home I'm knackered then I eat more in front of the TV...

I used to do 2-3 hours exercise a week in the gym. I do want to restart that soon. Thinking time doesn't help if I'm honest, it just makes me more agitated. I spend most of my time trying not to think about things (not always successfully). At the gym I have to listen to music to distract me/ make sure I only focus on what I'm doing.

A thyroid test requires a blood test, they may have checked but it would be worthwhile asking if they did and if not asking for one. I appreciate you saying you eat too much but still think it's worth having your thyroid checked, as an underactive thyroid will make losing weight harder. Also an underactive thyroid can cause lethargy and low mood.

Perhaps you were anxious because at some level you knew your DH was lying to you (by hiding the porn use).
I don't think your current relationship problems are caused by your weight. They're caused by your DH hiding a porn habit for years. Of course, that impacts on everything: trust; self-esteem,etc.
By all means, lose weight if you want to do so for you, but don't expect it to fix the relationship. Your DH's revelation has understandably caused a lot of hurt and you both need to face that and decide how, or if, you both move on.

How is your husband interacting with you today? I wanted to say earlier, so often the advice on here is for a couple to reconnect by a regular date night or a weekend away as a treat, I can see why you built it up in your head beforehand. Could you meet him halfway, say something like with hindsight you accept however long ago that weekend was booked maybe it was too soon, while you have said your piece about his previous choices you know you have things to work on about yourself, most of all you don't intend going over old ground but want to look forward. That isn't backtracking on how you felt about his habit or the drop off in sexual interest.

Maybe write a list for yourself of things to tackle.
Perhaps the brain fog and anxiety are linked to the weight gain. Did your GP suggest any reasons for your low vitamin D levels? If there's more than one GP at the practice see if you can talk to a different one, there's no harm in asking. They won't necessarily give different answers but you don't walk in feeling you know they'll dismiss you again.

I agree that the weight is a red herring here.

I also don't think particular clothes or whatever can make you feel more or less confident or happy. Instead, you can make an outfit work with your attitude.

More likely, you did feel anxious about that night, as others pointed out, and in a way it became a self fulfilling prophecy. Or, in some way, you may have needed to have a go at your OH, which you may have repressed in the aftermath of the porn addiction discovery.

It looks like you need to work on your own self esteem, yes.
But, you are going through a bad patch in your relationship. It could be the proverbial make or break, but to make it, you will need to be open to each other and discuss the actual issues instead of blowing off at each other for side issues.

Reading again the description on your OP, yes, you could have avoided the entire argument, and that's the answers you got, as you were asking. He was not faultless, and a more thoughtful man could have defused it easily.
But, you are both in a difficult place. If you can be kind to each other, rather than build expectations in relation to the other person, it can work better.

I quite like transactional analysis for these situations.
Even without a counsellor, you can analyse how each of you adopts the different roles (parent, child or adult) and see how you can have an adult level exchange. Of course, it will then depend on whether he is open to something like this or just shuts down.
I think this may be relevant to you:
www.melmenzies.co.uk/blog/transactional_analysis_getting_off_the_drama_triangle_part_1

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/transactional-analysis.html

OP, I feel really sorry for you. I know that trap of low self-esteem and that aching need for validation so well. But it isn't something that your H can fix for you - you must address it yourself. I am not, and never have been skinny or beautiful and I used to constantly worry about it. I am now in my 50s, bigger than I used to be and I am visibly ageing (obviously) and I couldn't give a stuff. Amongst other things, I took up running and I am not fairly addicted to it. I can't even claim to be a fast runner but I feel so good knowing that I can run for an hour or so and cover miles and miles.

I look back on the person I was and I feel sorry for that person but also sorry for my H - he could never fill the need I had and always hated that i didn't appreciate myself the way that he did.

I know it's a cliche but you could try exercise - its the best mood enhancer I know and along with careful eating will help you shift some wreight xx

Hey, didn't want to read and run :)
I'm not sure about the whole porn thing so I will leave others to advise...
But one thing I will say is a felt similar to some of the things you have said.
I was overweight and just felt dreadful. And my partner couldn't win - if he told me I looked 'nice'.. 'Nice' is what you call your mum. If he didn't comment I felt annoyed and ask if I looked OK... But a 'yes' didn't safice!
Eventually my self esteem got that low that I joined slimming world.. To cut a log story short I lost 4 1/2 stone In 6 months.
I felt attractive... I didn't need my partner to tell me I looked nice anymore and when he did I would bash fully say thanks and believe him!
For so long I blamed him for making me feel bad about myself but in hindsight it was me that was making myself feel bad!!
This isn't to dig at you but to shed a little light on the situation - maybe you do need to look a little deeper at yourself? Xx

Honestly I'd have been happy with nice. Or even ok. I wouldn't have thought I looked any less bad, it wouldn't have made me any thinner of course, but it would have been some small comfort to know HE thought I looked ok.

I will read about transactional analysis, thank you. My partner's previous experience of relationship counselling was that they made him do some sort of projecting thing where you're meant to imagine what the other person is thinking...but I don't get how that works - I know he did that in this disagreement, but it was wrong. As it was a previous time when he said 'you're thinking this' and it was something that hadn't even entered my head! And whenever he's suggested I do it, I have similarly got my view of what he was thinking totally wrong. Maybe I just don't get the point of it?

I think my weight is the reason, or at least the main reason, that I feel unhappy, because it makes me feel unattractive. However I don't think my weight is an issue in our relationship.

We spoke yesterday, cleared the air, he admitted he was being more difficult and less conciliatory than normal. He has offered to help/ encourage me with whatever I want to do in terms of weight loss. The issue around intimacy and lack of remains, he has asked me to give him a little more time.

You mentioned disturbed sleep. Have you had a sleep disorder test ? At 21 stone I had 'brain fog' and terrible insomnia. I was diagnosed with sleep apnoea bought on by weight gain. It's a horrible vicious cycle. Being permanently tired makes you crave sweet stuff . Long term chronic insomnia screws with your hormones and obviously makes exercise really hard to stick to.
I was given a breathing machine. I looked like Darth Vaders Mrs. It was so awful but my god what a difference. I had my first decent nights sleep for years . Anyway. Long story short. I got decent sleep, which meant I started exercising and most importantly eating more healthily. The brain fog lifted. I had been having 30% less oxygen at night than I should have had.. For years..

It's worth checking out OP. It changed my life and can tell you losing 9 stone was actually easy, when you get a good nights sleep.