Went away for a rebuilding weekend, now not speaking...

[rumandcokewithice]

Partner and I have had some major issues in relationship recently, some revelations around his use of porn which he had concealed from me since the start of our relationship but which he (of his own volition) has now stopped. We agreed to pause the physical side of our relationship for a while (at first when in shock I wasn't sure if I wanted our relationship to continue at all, but I then felt I did) whilst he got his head together etc.

So to this weekend. I thought it would be a chance for us to spend sometime together and start to reconnect physically (not rampant shagging, but kissing / touching etc). So this is brought up and he doesn't feel ready, he's still pretty ashamed of the secret porn use. Ok, that's fair enough.

For context, over recent months (predating all this stuff) I've put on weight, going from being a bit overweight to quite a lot overweight. Obviously this recent situation with the porn hasn't helped - I am a classic comfort eater so have been eating more as my means of coping/ making myself feel better.

So, onto last night, we were going out for dinner. I had left my fake tan at home, and my tights, meaning I couldn't wear the only 'dressy'outfit I'd brought, and had to wear something else I didn't feel confident in and made me look fat (or rather fatter).

So I wasn't feeling great about myself, it helped by him coming in to hurry me along, and making no comment about how I looked. Not even a cursory you look nice.

So I finished, went out to him and said I was ready but that I thought I looked awful. His response was to say I didn't look awful (but no more). Which upset me.

He asked why I was upset, I explained I needed some validation. He said I wouldn't have believed him, he'd be in the wrong no matter what he said.

We didn't go out in the end, he said that my attitude that evening was awful and he wouldn't go anywhere with me like that.

I was so angry over this - telling me I have a bad attitude, like I'm a child? I went to bed, because I couldn't bear to be around him, and if I spoke to him I wouldn't have been able to keep my temper.

So now it's the next morning. I'm up, he's still asleep. I'm not sure how to clear the air - don't feel I have anything to apologise for, and tbh I'm still more than a bit angry about what he said.

So that it's not all on you, I suspect he is somewhat punishing you after the porn "incident" (whatever it was, I imagine you found out and went tough on him), particularly as you stopped physical contact.
Maybe his compliments were linked to getting sex and as he knows there won't be any sex, it doesn't even cross his mind.

It can be that he feels like the lack of sex is punishment, in the same way you punish your children (not saying it is, but he may take it that way) and he doesn't feel equal to you or feels he has to punish you back by witholding as well.

As it is, I think you may need external support.

I'm surprised that he's said he still feels so ashamed about the porn and I'm surprised at your reaction to the porn,but then I don't have a problem with porn.

But the argument and not going out for a meal that was your fault,you could have still worn the dress(even on a sunday little local shops stay open quite late and quite a few of them usually stock tights if it worried you that much)and gone out and had a nice night.

Your really down on yourself because of the weight gain,believe me I do know how that feels at my biggest I was never bigger than a size 12 but I've put on loads of weight because of my health going down hill.

But even though your DP loves you OP you can't put everything that your feeling about yourself on him,I'm sure your not trying to but I think sometimes when were not happy about something that's going on with ourselves we transfer some of that onto the one were closest to,i know I've done it before and my DH's done the same to me in the past.

I'm working really hard on myself now and what's making me feel so miserable,whilst trying to bite my tongue when I feel like I'm about to lash out(with words not physically)at my DH,it doesn't always work but it's still early days for us and we are trying now which is one positive.

I hope you start talking to one another,get of your chest how your feeling about yourself and how you've reacted to things and what you want to do for yourselve,if you can do that and your DP can do the same that should be the begining to you understanding each other and why each other reacts the way they do towards one another.

It's a really healthy way to get your point across without being negative about one another.

It's all very fraught. You're directing a lot of blame at your DH and that isn't going to help you to reconnect. The dress; the fake tan; the tights - are all your responsibility, as is the weight (and I say that as someone who is prone to comfort eating). In the heat of an argument I can see why you might want to blame someone else but I don't understand why you're still trying to hold him responsible now.
I think Lweji is right that he may be withholding compliments because he associates them with sex or he may be witholding compliments simply because he knows you will be upset by his lack of validation. tbh if it's the latter then that is his problem and you have to try to build up your boundaries and self resilience so he can't hurt you in that way.
Heightened emotions and expectations around this weekend have probably contributed to everything blowing up. Make an appointment with Relate and use that to reconnect instead. It feels as though there is a lot bubbling away under the surface and you both need to bring it into the open.

I'm sorry the evening didn't go as planned OP. It's awful when you have put aside time to do something with a partner and have hopes that it will be lovely and romantic for it all to be ruined.

I have been overweight in the past myself and I know that at that time I would only feel even slightly happy with my outfit if I had all the bits and bobs that made it look even vaguely good. I think most women probably know the sinking feeling when you realise you've forgotten your strapless bra/favourite shoes/hair straighteners or whatever, especially so if your self-esteem is fragile at the time.

I think you should try to separate out some things. If you feel fat and awful, you are the only person who can change that - and you can. Do you want to live life with your weight and self-esteem tied to your partner, going up and down depending on what he does or doesn't do? Saying that you are a "classic comfort eater" is a self-given label (and a bit of an opt-out tbh) not a medical diagnosis You could kick that label out today and be a classic healthy eater instead!

Stop being reliant on your DP for validation and feeling good about yourself, stop blaming the porn for all your problems and stop blaming comfort eating for your weight. You can validate yourself as a worthwhile person, you can choose to move on from the porn issue, you don't have to comfort eat.

I think you are putting way too much emphasis on "secret porn habit".
Do you have a "secret masturbation habit", or do you please yourself on the coach with a cup of coffee like you would do a crossword?

Everything related to human sexuality, with or without somebody, or with or without visual aids (like porn), or a dildo, is a little secret, dont you think?

I would not make a big issue over porn, I dont think it is great, but I dont think it is totally bad either.

I dont understand why you went on a romantic weekend away, not taking fake tan, and clothes that make you feel good?

I also think you sounded needy and over the top. Perhaps the pressure of making it work.

I'm sorry you are struggling. I think the others are right. If you can start feeling better about yourself things will improve. I know it's not easy, I am often the same. But I am sure you can do it!

Op, I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I don't know how deep ingrained your husband's porn use was but my DH was a porn addict and it totally wrecked my self esteem. I felt totally rejected by my DH and this is really common in spouses of porn addicts.

I think the best thing for you to do is to work on your self esteem independent of your DH. Also, try and read as much as you can on how Internet pornograpy affects men and how they can become addicted. There's a great book called The Porn Trap and it has a chapter in there how spouses are affected. I don't know if your husband had an addiction but it will help you to see why you are feeling low about yourself after finding out about secret porn use.

I think Relate would be a great idea and then you can hopefully talk to your husband about how you are feeling and why you are feeling this way.

I would have been one of the posters who said I don't have a problem with porn until my DH became addicted and it ruined my self esteem and our marriage.

Good luck Op.

OP you sound like you need a lot of reassurance which would suggest very low self esteem. You need to be happy with and in yourself before inviting anyone in your life, as they'll always be wrong no matter what they do. Sounds like you've also made this man ashamed of his use of porn...why? I guess again low self esteem.

He was right by the way, if you felt awful then you will look awful and why would he lie and say you looked nice just to please you? No-one should have to do that. If you look like shit you look like shit, so what, if you don't like your weight, lose some. Don't make someone else feel bad because you do yourself, that's out of order and bordering bullying. Sounds like your the boss here dictating the relationship too, possibly bullying him into decisions he may not want to take. If the relationship isn't good then you both need to get out for your own sake and find joy with other people.

You sound very controlling. And you seem to use 'hurt feelings' as a way of manipulating him. You're entitled to feel how you do about porn though you do sound way OTT in your reaction. The argument that evening was solely down to you not getting your own way, ie him not being all over you. You need to drastically rethink your attitude to him before you have the choice to do that taken away from you. Unless that's secretly what you want, then you can be convinced that he's totally wrong.

I think you need to accept and admit it was your fault. Stop fishing for compliments and work on yourself.

The low self esteem is going to be your downfall. While you're trying to get in better shape, wear outfits that you feel fairly confident in. Try and have a positive attitude and don't dwell on things.

You can't loose the weight overnight, but by taking small steps you will become more confident in yourself.

Dear Rumand, i feel for you, really i do, like many PPs, I have been there and continue to struggle daily with my self esteem and weight. One thing that really helped me, was the approach Gillian Riley suggests in www.eatingless.com I had kept thinking that once i was the right weight, i would sort out my self esteem next. Turns out, it works other way round, eating well and looking after myself well actually builds self esteem. As another PP wrote so nicely, i hope this help you, and anyone else reading this. All the best..

Quint I think wanking on coaches is generally frowned upon, especially when holding coffee...

I'm not controlling at all, far from it.

Topsy, yes he considers he is a porn addict (from what he's now told me I agree). I didn't think I had a problem with porn, but I didn't think he used it at all really. To find out the level of secrecy has been pretty shocking.

It's not me that has made him ashamed, that's his own reaction. He has been reading the Porn Trap which has made him do a lot of self reflection. I think I may read it too.

thought it would be a chance for us to spend sometime together and start to reconnect physically (not rampant shagging, but kissing / touching etc). So this is brought up and he doesn't feel ready, he's still pretty ashamed of the secret porn use. Ok, that's fair enough.

Except I do not think you felt "fair enough" and instead felt hurt and disappointed maybe rejected all over again. If this is true please try telling him so.

The weight is my issue. My self esteem is very much bound up in my looks, which as I feel unattractive is now very low.

What are you doing to help yourself OP?

One thing did stand out to me: the fact he used to compliment you all the time but has more less stopped since you discovered his porn addiction.

Am I right in saying that the porn + the fact he doesn't compliment you anymore has destroyed yourself esteem? Is the issue about the fact you just don't feel good enough for him anymore? Do you feel that, maybe, as you have put on weight, he just doesn't fancy you anymore, like he did?

Any idea too as to why he has stopped the compliments since the discovery? I'm struggling to see a link there.

Sorry that was a lot of questions but I think there is much more to it than you just feeling bad about your weight.

I did tell him I felt disappointed about the weekend; he felt that was my issue for building it up too much in my head (weekend planned long before the porn revelations, since then we had been intending it more for rebuilding than just a general break). But if he's not ready, me bleating about it doesn't make any difference.

My self esteem has always been linked to appearance and weight. I'd gained a lot of weight before all this came to light although I've gained mre since all of this.

I do feel he doesn't fancy me. I felt like that intermittently before all this, more so now.

Did you build it up too much in your head?

Do you think the porn addiction affected your relationship before? Did he reject you in favour of (what turned out to be) porn?

But I do feel you should look at your self esteem and how it's linked to looks. It can destroy you and a relationship.

I wonder if he feels as though you are continuing to punish him for his porn habit?

I may be wrong, but you seem to be the one calling a halt to sex, and then suggesting you start physical (but non sexual) contact again. He must feel as though he is not in control.

Yet at the same time you need (as do I) to feel wanted physically.

Poor chap, and poor you. You've got yourselves tangled into a web and probably need some help to get unraveled. Would you both consider Relate?

He is due to start therapy soon regarding his porn addiction. Seeking therapy as a couple, yes maybe that would help. I think he needs to complete this other therapy first though.

I wasn't aware of him rejecting me previously. He has never had a very high sex drive throughout our relationship, the extent to which that is because he's been addicted to porn since his teens I don't think even he knows. He's never had a relationship without regular porn use.

I was often rejected by men when in my teens and early 20s because I wasn't pretty enough/ thin enough/ (even though I was a size 10-12 at the time) and those early experiences have affected me, especially at times in my life when I've gained weight and feel less attractive.

I was suggesting a slow build up to sexual contact because I didn't think he would feel ready to jump straight in. The fact he says he can't even kiss me (we still hug but that's as far as it goes) shows I was right in that, telling him I wanted to resume our sex life would probably have got an even more negative response.

We're now speaking. I'm still feeling a little sad about everything though. I'm trying to eat better, have started doing more exercise, but obviously the results will take some time, and pending that I'm still feeling awful about my appearance etc. Unfortunately I don't own clothes that look nice,, my nice clothes are too small now. Ones that do fit just look horrible. Thankfully I don't have to go out out much.

Keep talking, don't brush it away.